Chapter 18
Present Day
I smooth my white, A-line, knee-length dress in the mirror, getting ready for dinner with Grandmother. In the last two years, I’ve embraced my role of smiling at her face, smiling at their faces.
They wanted a doll.
I became the perfect doll.
Underneath my elegant clothes and proper demeanor, I wear deceit.
Anger and disgust simmer low in my belly, but I have to keep them contained. I constantly remind myself I might be powerless now, but it will end. I won’t let my emotions jeopardize my plan of escaping.
There is no freedom in a gilded cage, but I swore to myself I was going to get out. One day. And that keeps me going.
I walk down the stairs and find my friends in the living room of our college house. It’s a spacious room, painted in tones of pale gray. The white furniture includes a velvet couch in the middle, a wool hand-crafted rug, and a round table. On the opposite wall, there’s a fireplace. Hardwood floors and crystal chandeliers offer an elegant touch.
The large windows offer the best view of the campus. Acres of perfectly mowed land surround the old and prestigious building. A washed-out gray cement building that looks more like a castle rests in the middle.
The Family built Eagleton College a hundred fifty years ago. The Family is so powerful and rich, they’re untouchable. Every generation has its own leader, and that is the firstborn. Whoever is the matriarch or patriarch of the Family is the unofficial ruler of the region, and delegates the mayor, controls the police, and owns most resources like land and money.
Blake greets me with a jerk of his chin. He used to be so outgoing, but everything changed after his initiation. Kaden and I understand his silence on the subject.
Bailey tucks her phone into her handbag. Behind her sweet appearance, with her fairy-like complexion, is a skilled hacker and computer wizard.
Kaden has his hands in his slacks pockets, glancing outside the window with a forlorn look. I can relate to his yearning.
Time doesn’t heal. It numbs you. But strangely, it also makes you desperate. I know Kaden’s on a thin rope dangling over a hellish abyss.
We don’t live; we exist to be the perfect soldiers for the Family.
In our group, we would die for each other, but sadly we can’t live for each other. All four of us are lost.
Me in my perpetual what-if.
Kaden in his ongoing agony.
Blake in his never-ending fight with himself.
Bailey in her virtual reality.
But we have endured and come so far. We just have to keep going for a while longer.
My phone vibrates in my small purse. Plucking it out, I see a notification, but I quickly mute it.
This is my punishment, reading every notification on Dane. That’s my only bridge to him.
He’s doing fantastic. If he continues like this, he will win his third F1 Championship in a row. My love and obsession with him are all crammed into an aching, longing heart. I should stop looking him up, especially for my sanity.
He was mine for a while. Now he is where he belongs—on the podium, while I remain behind with debilitating nostalgia.
His angry stare has turned into one of determination.
When Kaden opens the front door, I say, “Just a while longer.”
He tips his chin in agreement.
It was two years ago, and three months after Grandmother sent me to the EDC in Maryland, an eating disorder recovery center, I told my friends everything. After that, Blake went out every night, coming home, reeking of alcohol and sweat. I blame myself for that.
Kaden has become more secretive regarding our escape plan.
Bailey spends every minute on her laptop, always on high alert, and I smile at her, proud. She’s our silent but deadly weapon.
Each of us gets into our respective cars, mostly because that’s our only freedom. We each got the car we wanted when we started college. The only condition was that it had to be black—a gift for the next generation who will bring the Family to new heights and success, making our families proud. Until now, it has worked. No more stepping out of line.
When I park my Porsche 911 in front of Grandmother’s mansion, I loop my arm around Kaden’s, and Thomas lets us inside.
My heels clack on the polished floors, a constant reminder: I’m in Grandmother’s lair and can’t afford to slip.
The matriarch waits for us in the dining room, her sharp eyes taking us in.
We each kiss her hand and take our seats for the weekly dinner.
“Abigail, Kaden, looking lovely as ever, the future of this family.”
She looks at Bailey for a moment longer, brows bunched together as if to say, “What am I going to do with you?”
Nothing, because our group would rather die than let them do that to Bailey as well. It’s enough that Kaden, Blake, and I experienced that horrific initiation.
Kaden, Blake, and I asked for a meeting and told Grandmother that to be the close knit family she desires, we want Bailey to pledge her loyalty to her. Weakness leads to a torturous initiation. We didn’t want Bailey to suffer, so we had to act quickly as we couldn’t allow the Family to find Bailey’s weakness. Felix must have searched for some, but there was nothing to ring alarm bells. The next week, she pledged her loyalty to Grandmother, and we called it our first big win against them.
Kaden pulls my chair back, and we exchange a nod before I take my seat.
“Second year of college. I expect it to go as smoothly as the previous one,” Grandmother says, looking at us intently. There’s something on her mind.
I wait with bated breath for some bomb to drop. She opens her mouth when the door opens, and Celine steps inside. Her presence sucks all air from the room. Kaden looks at her for a split second, blinking, but he recovers quickly. Blake squints at her incredulously like he saw a ghost and drinks half a glass of wine in one go. Only Bailey shoots up from her chair, ignoring the disapproving looks from Grandmother.
“You’re back. I missed you.” She hugs Celine, who returns the embrace.
“Bailey.” Kaden’s voice is so low, the message behind it is clear.
“I just wanted to welcome her back,” Bailey says, sighing deeply.
Overcoming my stupor, I say, “This is quite the surprise.”
“Great, indeed.” Blake fills another glass.
“Blake,” Grandmother says in a warning. He places the empty glass down only after he drinks every drop.
Sometimes I wonder if he does it on purpose—either to protect us by drawing her attention to himself or to numb his own pain. Because if Grandmother is focused on chastising him, she ignores us. But I also worry about him.
I look at Celine. Why did she return when all I ever wanted was to leave this forsaken place?
“I don’t want her here,” Kaden says.
“That’s not for you to decide. Celine has been welcomed home, and as such, she will be moving in with you,” Grandmother says.
His fingers tighten around the knife, his body tensing. I pinch his thigh, so he gets a grip.
“But—” I try. With her coming back, I won’t be able to count on Kaden being levelheaded.
Grandmother sends a disapproving glance my way.
“Let’s eat,” Grandmother says.
There is one seat left next to Kaden. Celine takes it while Bailey, Blake, and I exchange a look. Her return threatens to shake the already frail foundation on which we have built our escape plan.
After a staff member brings Celine a plate, Bailey asks. “How was it in England?”
If Bailey is starting a conversation, the situation around the table is dire.
“Bailey, behave,” Grandmother reprimands her, and we all focus on the truffle soup. Every spoonful of the broth and foie gras tastes more and more bitter.
Bailey’s face falls. Blake places one elbow on the table and snickers. “What, Grandmother? It’s our right to know.”
“Enough.” At Kaden’s gravelly tone, silence descends.
I stare at the grandfather clock, wishing time to pass faster.
Right after dessert, Grandmother says to Celine, “You can tell them about your stay abroad.”
“How was it at Preston?” Bailey asks.
“Intense. The school has a tough learning program, but there were a few recreational activities. And once in a while I could visit London, which were the highlights of my stay abroad.”
“Did you make friends?” I ask, genuinely interested.
“Yes, Mia and Hunter.” Celine draws out his name, and I peek at Kaden, whose thumb freezes on the screen of his phone.
“Hunter?” Grandmother asks.
“Hunter Lockwood. His father founded the school.”
“Lockwood… Yes. They’ve done very well for themselves in England. They’re well respected and are quite influential. Are you close with the Lockwoods?” Grandmother asks, sounding interested.
Way to go, Celine. I’m pretty sure Grandmother is planning a wedding in her head if the alliance would be beneficial for the Family.
“Very. Hunter and his twin sister, Mia, have been accepted to study at Eagleton College. They’ll be staying on campus.”
“I’d like to meet them soon.”
“Of course, Grandmother.”
“But for now, I am tired. I believe it is time to retire.”
With that, she stands up, signaling that dinner is over. We all go to kiss her hand.
Kaden and I are the first to leave. Kaden leans against his BMW, his head shaking as if he doesn’t know if her return is a hallucination or reality. I put my hand on his shoulder. We can’t show anything. He should know that.
“Kaden, pull yourself together.”
“I’ll meet you later at the house.”
“Don’t do anything stupid.”
I get into my car, following Bailey and Blake closely before they turn right toward campus. I drive toward a place I have told myself a million times to stop visiting. Yet, I always end up here.
The old mansion was sold and fully restored just as I pictured it. The classical-style mansion combines architectural elegance and natural beauty. The limestone entrance and oval windows give it a timeless appearance. The terrace at the back of the house leads to the small lake. The ground with its white oaks, rolling pasture, and small rose garden, complements the nature surrounding the mansion.
I hope whoever moves in will be happy. I imagine that behind those walls, it’s me and Dane. A dream. The most melancholic what-if of my life.
I speed away, going back to my bleak reality.
“She seems… different,” Bailey says the moment I walk inside the college house.
I nod. It’s in the way Celine carries herself, a self-confidence she never had before.
Blake rakes a hand through his black hair. “Fuck. Just what we needed… If Grandmother accepted her back, that means she’s here to test Kaden.”
“Yes, let’s point out the obvious,” I sigh.
“He has to be stronger than that,” Bailey says.
I want to believe that. I do. But I know how strong and weak the person you love makes you feel and act.
Going into my bedroom, I change into a pair of ripped jeans, a long sleeved top and biker jacket, put on red lipstick, and meet with Blake downstairs. We get into our cars and drive toward the cliff.
Blake found me one night, speeding and not caring how near the edge of the cliff I was as I completed one lap after the other.
He is now my steady partner in my dance with adrenaline. But for a few moments, I am near Dane. For a while, I am free. L’appel du vide—the call of the void, when you entertain self-destructive thoughts— whispers in my ear, but I always pull away.
There are a few cars aligned. Money is being exchanged.
I step out, and Tyson pulls me to his side.
“Ready to lose?” his best friend, Xander, asks me.
I pretend to think. “Hmm, right? That will never happen.”
Tyson shakes his head at him, smirking. “She’s going to leave you in the dust, bro. Again.”
“We’ll see about that.”
Tyson is in charge of organizing the races, among other things like fighting rings. He has a penchant for everything illegal and adrenaline-inducing. He’s a fellow student with too much money and no care. He has become someone between an acquaintance and a friend.
It’s always two cars competing. Two cars is the maximum the strip of the cliff can take, and it’s one against one, until the last race. The winner takes all the money.
I’ve won more than a few times. And the guys went from chuckling at a girl competing against them to getting tips from me.
“Start your engines,” Tyson says.
A girl lifts the checkered flag, and my mind spirals back to a time when I was with Dane and I was supposed to be his checkered flag.
While Dane chases his dreams, I chase my freedom—a noble goal if he wouldn’t have invaded every molecule in me.
Sick with love. Sick with craving. Sick with sadness.
I rev my engine, trying to expel my weakness.
When the flag drops, adrenaline pumps through me, and I take off, speeding right over the finish line. The race always happens in a blur, going too fast for my liking.
Blake is next. He rolls the window of his McLaren down and says, “Good race, but I will be faster.”
“Sure.”
He shows the muscles he has packed on since he started fighting, and I point at his head. “Use your brain to win the race.”
He chuckles, and I take a step back. I have zero nerves when Kaden gets behind the wheel, but with Blake, I’m terrified. There’s just something about his careless attitude that makes me uneasy, not to mention the underground fights he participates in within an abandoned building on campus grounds.
When Blake wins, he lifts me in the air, twirling me around.
With my mind pondering over Celine’s return and implicit complications, no wonder I lose the next race. I drive aimlessly until I reach the end of Greenville. I have my foot on the accelerator, ready to cross the invisible line, but, like every time, I stop myself and drive back. I could never abandon my friends.
The security guard at Eagleton recognizes me and opens the steel gates. As the heirs, we have to live on campus.
Parking, I walk inside our college house. Darkness and silence greet me.
I switch the light on and sigh, aware of where Kaden and Blake could be. I take the stairs toward the basement. The moment I open the door, I catch the end of their fight. I don’t understand the need for physical violence. There are methods that are even more efficient, like knowing the vital pressure points that don’t inflict permanent damage.
“Are you done being animals?” I ask, entering.
“Not everyone is a Kyusho Jitsu expert like you. We actually like to use our fists,” Blake says.
“Yes, we’re done,” Kaden says.
“Celine has changed… we worked too hard…” I sigh, then add, “You did great tonight.”
“Grandmother still doesn’t trust us.”
“In this family, trust is the greatest luxury. None of us can afford that,” Blake says, leaning on his back, eyes pinned to the ceiling.
“She will be her eyes.”
Kaden nods, but I see the struggle there.
“You can’t trust her. And we’ve come too far for her to ruin our only chance to escape.”
He pats his chest, feigning hurt. “Thank you for your trust.”
“Shut up. We all know only Celine has that power.”
Kaden and I have just one weakness. And in our cases, they could be lethal. If I have to keep reminding him of that, then so be it.
He storms out, leaving me with Blake. We look at each other, neither of us wanting to voice our obvious concerns.
“Not enough fighting for you?”
“Abi, you’re one surprise away from exploding. Maybe you need your own coping mechanism.”
I flinch at the truth behind his words and return to my room.
In my bedroom, after I take a shower, I get in bed with my laptop, give in to my secret addiction, and search for Dane.
I zoom in on the pics and videos to analyze every micro gesture, as if his eyes and lips could tell me that I am still on his mind and in his heart.
I love seeing him content and doing what he loves and is meant to do. It reminds me my sacrifice has been worth it.
After his big win in Las Vegas, he climbs out of the car, pumping his fists up in celebration at the crowds who cheer for him behind the fence. On the podium, he sprays champagne along with the second and third place winners. He’s so cocky when he gives the interview, declaring he’s looking forward to winning the season’s last race.
The corner of his mouth tips up in a mischievous grin as he stares right at the camera, sending a shiver down my spine. I shut the lid, curl into bed with my sketchbook, and take out a pen to draw him.
***
The next morning, both Bailey and I prepare Celine’s room. While I hang the blue curtains—a peace offering knowing that’s her favorite color—Bailey arranges the duvet on her bed.
We eye each other, but we both remain silent and walk downstairs. We’re the first to arrive in the kitchen. I prepare myself a cup of coffee, and Bailey picks up a banana from the fruit basket on the counter.
Kaden steps inside, looking like he didn’t sleep all night.
“Kaden, I know how you feel about her, okay, but Celine is the Trojan horse.”
She came back for a reason. I don’t trust her intentions—and Grandmother’s motives even less.
Blake enters, going straight for the fridge and grabbing a protein shake. “We don’t know that for sure.”
“Are you both out of your minds? We’re risking our lives here,” I shriek, not believing them.
“Abigail, enough,” Kaden dares to say, and I purse my lips.
“Celine has to be hurt,” Bailey says, looking at Kaden with accusation.
“Don’t look at me like that. I did what I had to do to protect her,” he counters back.
Blake finishes his protein drink and discards it in the trash. He turns to Kaden, crossing his arms over his chest. “You see, bro. You should have done that for me. I would have built you a fucking thank you statue.”
I lift my arms in the air. “We’re so over your suicidal tendencies. Grow the fuck up,”
When he storms out, Kaden says my name with a hint of warning.
“What? We all had to sacrifice. This will end badly,” I say and stomp back upstairs. Propping my hip against the windowsill, I see a black Mercedes Coupe parking in front of our college house.
Celine gets out wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, her light-brown hair is pulled up in a high ponytail, carrying a newfound confidence that strengthens my belief she has changed.
Time to play my fucked up role. I’m sorry, Celine.
I move to the hallway, and from the top of the stairs, I open my mouth. “Honey.” That term of endearment makes me wanna throw up in my mouth, but I keep my poker face on.
Celine looks from me to Kaden, her eyes squinting.
“Make yourself at home. Abi is waiting for me,” Kaden says.
We enter his bedroom, and he grips the edge of his desk. It might crack any second. Kaden expels a long breath. It’s a sad, disheartened sound.
“She hates me, Abi.”
“That can’t be. I won’t believe it.”
“Then you didn’t hear what I heard. You didn’t see what I saw.”
“Kaden, she’s hurt and thinking you betrayed her. Let’s not forget the issue of us.”
“I don’t trust her. Do you have any idea how fucking soul crushing it is not to trust the person you love? But I have to keep her safe.”
“And that’s what we’ll do, whatever it costs us.”
Going to my room, I leave the door ajar, hearing Bailey showing Celine to her room on the right side of the staircase. I stay away, knowing I am the last person she would like to see after the show I put on.
It feels like I’m hiding in my room when I hear Celine running down the stairs. Curious, I go downstairs, my other three friends are already in the hallway. A girl and a guy flank Celine as they walk inside. The girl is a petite brunette with silver eyes. The guy carries a dangerous aura, sharing the same eye and hair color as her. They must be the friends Celine was talking about.
“You two forgot even the most basic rules of human decency and manners. Hi, excuse them. I am Mia, and this is my brother, Hunter,” she says.
I like her for saying that. I take her hand in mine and say, “Abigail.”
Bailey’s cheeks turn a pinkish color when she sees Hunter, and Blake’s eyes sweep over Mia, who swallows nervously. Kaden and Hunter shake hands, and I suppress my amusement when Hunter’s jaw tics. I guess Kaden is trying to make a point.
“Let me show you my room,” Celine says to her friends.
When they are out of earshot, Blake states the obvious. “She has a plan of her own.”
“Kaden, this is not good. She’s not the same. She left one way and turned into this version. Celine doesn’t even care that we see it because she knows how to behave around Grandmother. Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know, but I will find out.”
I follow Kaden into his room. He sits on the edge of the bed with his face between his hands.
“I need to be alone.”
“And how would being alone help you? Letting guilt kill you as if it hasn’t done that every day, bit by bit. I wouldn’t want to be alone…”
“I thought… she…”
I place a hand on his shoulder, wanting to comfort him.
“Hurt changes people, but Kaden, you still love her. Maybe you should let her see that.”
“She is with someone else. I can see that she doesn’t give a fuck.”
“We implied that we’re together. That doesn’t help either.”
“To protect her, Abi, because I’d take her hate than risk her well-being.”
I know that. I have done the same.