Chapter 19
My car flies across the finish line, pocketing another win. Exhaling in relief, pride settles in my chest. I close my eyes for a moment, and that potent mix of adrenaline and exhilaration makes me feel invincible.
I climb out of my car, pumping my arms in the air. My team congregates around me, and I dive right into them as they hold me up.
Cheers explode in the crowds, almost deafening me.
Another win brings me closer to where I want to be—the ultimate race champion.
After the celebration madness ends, I get out of my race suit and take a long shower to relax my muscles.
Images of Abigail invade my mind. In vain, I’ve tried to cure myself of this obsession. I can’t go on like this, or I am going to end up a nutcase. That’s why I decided to return to Greenville and face my feelings for her. While the episodes are still there, I have myself under control. They don’t make me want to crawl out of my skin and burn the world down in the process. I have a strict daily routine that helps me cope.
When I come out, my father steps inside the break room and asks, “Are you sure this is the right decision?”
I’m stable and have come a long way from the boy with a broken heart. The only positive thing I came back with has been my determination. That’s how I have dominated the competition for the last two seasons. Even some commentators said I might outgrow my father’s legacy. I don’t even care about that. Racing anchors me. It’s my happy place.
Do I love winning? Of fucking course. But what I love even more is the feeling of being in my race car, pushing myself and the F1 car to its limits. I feel alive, and that’s the feeling I need to keep me going.
Worry lines his eyes, and I say, “Dad, trust me.”
He places a hand on my shoulder, giving me a little squeeze. “I’m so proud of you. But worrying is part of my job, son.”
“I’m good.”
“Don’t stay up late.”
I snort. “Yeah, right.”
I have turned into a monk, and parties are the last thing on my mind. In order to keep my illness under control, I need a stable environment—nothing that excites my nerve cells. I have stayed away from booze, distractions, and women. Winning trophies doesn’t come close to winning over my fucked up brain.
I call my best friend, and Alec says, “You fucking rocked it.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Out of all the tracks, it has to be the one near Greenville? I remember how you came back, a damn wreck. Are you sure?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say, hanging up.
I can’t keep going on like this, constantly thinking of her. I have to get over Abigail.
Yes, right, that’s why you’re wanting to make her dreams come true. That’s why you win race after race, being motivated that she might watch you.
Thoughts of her swirl in my head, chasing away my sanity. I’m playing with fire, but I can’t allow myself to get burned a second time.
***
My father is on his phone organizing the last aspects of the team’s move, while I play a racing video game in the backseat. The driver is taking us back home after my big win in Las Vegas.
I seek my father’s eyes. “I promise I won’t disappoint you. Thank you for trusting me.”
“You feel so strongly about the move. Let’s hope it brings you the peace of mind you want.”
The moment the driver parks, I’m out and bolt through the mansion’s entrance door.
My little sister squeals as she jumps into my arms. My mom is in the kitchen preparing breakfast and smiling at us fondly.
Jasmine pouts, almost squeezing my neck with how tight she holds me. “I want to come with you.”
Her pout is my kryptonite.
“When did I say you can come with me?”
She points all ten fingers at me and sighs dramatically. This girl has a future as an actress.
“But it’s six years away. I’m going to be old by then.”
My father chuckles while I put her down and each of us takes a seat around the table, enjoying family breakfast.
Afterwards, my family accompanies me to the car. My mom sniffles beside it, and I hug her. “Mom, you act as if I’m going to war.”
She cries even harder, and I add, “I will stay out of trouble, enroll in a few classes while I’m there, and train to be the best racer this world has ever seen.”
“I’m visiting you and soon.”
I look at my dad for help, but he shrugs.
If they want to check on me, that’s fine. I gave them enough reasons to worry over the years. I guess two years of behaving with no episode is not enough.
My best friend greets my parents and then hops in. I get into my limited-edition beast of a supercar, the Mustang GTD, and follow the truck transporting my race car.
I will have a packed program, from training for the last race of the season to classes thrown into the mix. I won’t have time to get crazy.
It’s a long drive, but I need every mile to prepare myself mentally to see Abigail again and know that I made the right decision.
When the team reaches the track outside Greenville, the crew and I check on the race car, and then go through my training plan.
I’m off tomorrow, and I hate free days. My brain always catches on the pauses to give me shit.
When I reach the mansion, the moment I step inside the foyer, I swear her sweet floral smell still lingers. My gaze sweeps over the spacious living room, where a fireplace adorns the right wall. Memories assault me, and I can’t make myself take another step.
It’s my home, yet strangely, it feels more like hers. The original woodwork was restored and used in the renovations, creating a homey ambiance.
“Hey, man. What’s wrong?” Alec asks.
“Nothing.”
Up the flying spiral staircase, I show him to a guest room.
My feet carry me back down into the living room. Dark floors and green walls mix with the cream furniture, topped by black and golden lights. The entire house has been designed with an earthy color scheme. I can still see Abigail giving herself to me—for a while, a short while. In the spot where we made love, a big velvet couch now rests. Shaking myself, I turn on the TV and start a video game.
“You’re getting destroyed,” my best friend says, coming inside.
“You wish.”
Each of us tries to win the game, and we play until my stomach rumbles.
The drive and the exhaustion have caught up to me.
With the season’s final race approaching, I need to be well rested. I can’t afford to screw up when I’m this close to another series win.
I throw the controller aside and stand up.
In the kitchen, I make myself a protein shake. Alec scratches his neck and says, “Why do you want to take classes, man? You don’t need them.”
I need to fill every waking hour. We might be best friends, but I never told him everything, just that there was this girl who broke my heart.
“Because I want both. I’m a perfectionist like that.”
“Crazy motherfucker. But I’m coming to check on the girls while I’m here.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“Not my fault you took a vow of celibacy. More for me.”
“The sacrifices you have to make.”
He chuckles. “I’m going to hit the campus while I’m visiting. Wanna come?”
I shake my head, and he shouts over his shoulder on the way out, “You’re no fun.”
I lock myself in the gym, and when my muscles strain, I stop my physical training. But my restlessness spars with my rationality. I should go to bed, but instead, I take a quick shower. After changing, I head to my car.
The beastly engine vibrating under my ass always has a positive effect on my thought process, calming me down. I drive for a while with no destination in mind until I come to a halt at the cliff, memories of us together assaulting me instantly. When I step out, I follow the traces of tires and a white delineation mark. Someone is organizing races here.
I inch toward the edge of the cliff. The wind ruffles my hair, the crisp air lashing at my jacket. I can already tell this decision is going to cost me. Hopefully not my sanity, but again, that will be an ongoing battle anyway.
When I return home, the sun is setting on the horizon. My favorite mix of colors—red and oranges—creates a perfect flame. If you can’t beat them, join them.
Some enjoy reading, listening to music, or binge-watching shows. I have a peculiar hobby, setting and watching things on fire, which has always had a soothing and calming effect on my brain. Pulling out my lighter from my pocket, I play with the flame. It’s me who controls the fire, not the other way around. I extinguish it with my palm until the relaxing effect has me standing up and going to my bedroom.
Maybe tomorrow I will see her. Maybe I won’t.
My heart craves her and my mind focuses on its favorite madness. Abigail’s the storm and tranquility. The chaos and peace. It’s as if I uncapped the lid on my past, and now I have to deal with the consequences.
With every second, I doubt my decision to come here. No, I’m stronger than my impulses. I control my thoughts, not the other way around, I tell myself as I get ready for bed.
When I wake up at the crack of dawn, I change and drive the ten miles to the track.
I greet the guys from the crew first. After the team meeting where we discuss what went well in the race and what we can improve for the next one, I change into my race suit.
As I sit inside my car, Samuel, the chief mechanic, speaks through the two-way radio in my helmet.
“We put new tires on. Today’s practice is just to test them.”
I listen to him, reflecting on how far we’ve come—from me begging him for another chance to him finally trusting me. My chest swells with pride. I earned and deserved this second chance, and I will never allow my ego, my past, or my brain to sabotage that.
I itch to press the pedal and feel all that power at the tip of my foot, making my body pulse. But this is practice, a warm-up consisting of ten to fifteen laps.
With my fingers glued to the wheel and my eyes laser-focused on the circuit, I complete each lap, taking curve after curve with Samuel’s voice in my ear.
“Good, drive it back.”
“How was I?”
He chuckles. “You did good.”
I grumble low, bringing the car back.
He arches a brow. “You don’t need me to stroke your ego.”
“My ego is a tamed kitty.”
“No, it’s a sleeping panther.”
I burst into laughter as I drive into the service garage. Taking off my helmet, my team gives me shit.
“I packed your lunch,” Jeremy, one of the control engineers, says.
“Don’t start fights with other kids,” Derek, an engine engineer, says.
“Fuck off.”
“He just wants a career to fall back on when his good looks don’t bring in all the millions,” Tim, the spotter, says.
I run after him, but he ducks, circling my car.
“Don’t be late.” Samuel points at me, and I get in my car. The red beauty was a gift to myself after I won my second championship. Excitement kicks in every time I start the engine, and it purrs under me.
It is vital to control and redirect all that energy zapping through you when you’re at the start line. Everything is enhanced, and overcoming the pressure makes or breaks you as a race car driver.
But now, as I drive toward Eagleton College, my heart races and my mind is all over the place.
If I don’t escape the chokehold she still has on me, I will always be stuck in this hellish limbo, trapped with the ghost of my past. This sick brain of mine would feed off that weakness all my life. But I’m here to get better on every level.
The campus is spread over acres of land, with the impressive gray college building in the middle. I don’t even know what she studies or where she lives.
I pass the security, the wrought-iron gates opening. Students are milling around the campus, walking, chatting, coming, and going out of various buildings connected to the main one.
I park the car and as I step out, a black McLaren pulls in and parks right next to me. When Blake gets out, he shakes his head at me and crosses his arms over his chest.
“That’s the first time I wanted you to be a fucking mirage.”
I jerk my chin in a greeting. “Blake.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Studying.”
His eyebrows draw together. “Look, I have no problem with you. So don’t start any problems with me, and we’re all good.”
“I’m not here to cause problems.”
“Asshole, you scream problems.”
I chuckle, and we approach the other, shaking hands.
“So?” he asks. There’s something darker in his gaze, his bulkier body giving off a brooding vibe.
“I moved here.”
“You know how huge this country is?”
“It’s also a free one.”
“You’re playing with fire.”
“Nah, man, just a few flames.”
We walk in the same direction, and I ask him, “What are you studying?”
“Biochemistry.”
“Looking to create a new drug?”
“Maybe. What about you?”
“Business.”
Before we part, he says, “We have a lot more on our plate than we need. One surprise was enough this week. Just do your thing but stay out of ours.”
“I can’t promise that.”
When I turn, I bump into a girl.
“Watch where you’re going,” she grumbles, looking so tense she might snap at any moment. She reminds me of me. That anger holding her in its claws.
She lets out a disgruntled sound when a black Porsche and a BMW park next to each other.
“I can’t believe them,” she snarls.
When Abigail steps out of the car, nothing in me is prepared to face the volcano erupting inside of me, burning up everything in its wake.
The girl elbows me. “Yes, Ms. Perfect-Beautiful, but also the one who goes behind your back and ends up with your man. You wouldn’t stand a chance. So stop looking at her like she’s everything you want.”
That right there are all the signs I need to know that this is personal.
The asshole gets out of his BMW. Abigail and Kaden move together in that fucking perfect harmony they have.
I should get in my car, drive as far away as I can, and never return.
The girl gasps, staring Kaden down. “The traitor.”
It’s as if she conjured his attention because when Kaden looks at her, then at me, he does a double take. Abigail follows his gaze and freezes.
“I could wrench both their necks,” she says.
I thought I had anger issues, but I think I just met my match.
Our eyes lock in a four-way stare, and a thought flashes in my head.
“You’re Celine.”
She whips her head to me. “How do you know that?”
A smirk stretches my lips. “We’re going to be great friends.”
Celine looks at me with brows furrowed, then walks away. Kaden watches her with his gaze brimming with longing.
I don’t care. I don’t fucking care. I chant in my head not to go there and snap his neck. If Abigail prefers to be second, it’s her thing. Whatever. Not my problem. I don’t fucking care.
They approach me, signaling their unity for the millionth time. I would burn it to ashes and enjoy the carnage. With every minute here, the cap to my bottled emotions loosens.
“What are you doing here?” Abigail asks, her voice raising to a high pitch only to crack.
I look at my nails, ignoring them.
“The rule you should have respected the first time around still goes. And this time, if you don’t follow it, there will be consequences,” Kaden says.
“So you say.”
This standoff is starting to bore me. Two guys fighting for a girl. Looking at said girl, her face is ashen. I wonder how many times I would fight for her, only for her to choose him.
“Give me a moment,” she says to him.
“Are you sure?”
A silence wrapped in nervous energy and tension stretches between us once we’re alone. Her nearness tortures me once again with sweet temptation and shattered dreams. I’m a hostage of my love for this woman. How the hell will I escape her clutches when she has her hand curled in a fist around my heart?
“You’re here,” she says and clamps her mouth shut as if it were a slip.
Memories and broken wishes crash together in my chest.
All my mouth comes up with is a grunt.
She bursts into hysterical, maniacal laughter. “And here I thought the worst already happened.”
“Are you and that Celine girl like sister wives?” I ask.
She pushes me into the wall, and so many good memories surface from my lips on hers and her back against a wall.
“Jealous?”
“Princess, you reek of wanting me again.”