Chapter 18
Jay
The past few months have been a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Aiden’s been traveling between New York and Oregon, handling the stress of closing on his property, meeting with contractors, and selling his condo.
When he’s in Oregon, he spends as much time with me as possible, going on hikes, taking drives along the coast, and enjoying late-night movie marathons. I love having my best friend back, and those moments with him mean everything.
But there’s a persistent thread running through everything: my desire for him grows stronger every day. Therapy helps keep me grounded and dispels my self-doubts, but with him, my old insecurities still take over.
I’m scared to ask the questions that really matter—his social media, his sex life, and whether he’d ever want a future with me. My mom and Cynthia tell me to be brave and just talk to him. I want to, but every time I try, I freeze.
And now I’m kicking myself for opening my big mouth.
Aiden sold his condo and is finally moving to Oregon after months of a logistics nightmare. I offered to fly to New York and drive the three thousand miles with him in a small rented moving van. Shipping pods handled most of his stuff, but he wants to bring a few valuables and the cats himself.
Five days cramped in a van, long nights in hotel rooms, and the two of us shoulder to shoulder for hours on end. How the hell am I supposed to keep my hands to myself?
“Well, I think that’s everything,” Aiden says, scanning his empty condo for anything he might have missed.
We’ve spent the morning packing the van and wrestling Maisy and Daisy into their travel carrier. The cats look insulted and miserable. It’s their first trip anywhere besides the vet, and Aiden’s jittery about it and more protective than I expected.
“How are you feeling about leaving New York?” I ask him hesitantly. His excitement about moving has been clear, but now that it’s real, I sense he’s feeling sad about leaving.
He shrugs, “I’m good. Lauren reminded me it’s normal to feel the emotional weight of change. I’ve loved my time living in New York, but I’m ready for this.”
Stepping into the hallway, he locks the door and drops the keys into the lockbox. He’s already said goodbye to Martha next door. She cried when he hugged her and fussed over the cats one last time. She loved taking care of them while he was away.
Last night’s dinner with his friends Lauren and Matt went better than I expected.
Lauren’s steady and down-to-earth, but also hilarious, which made the conversation way more entertaining than I’d thought.
Matt reminded me of my dad when I was younger—grounded and easy to talk to. I had a really good time with them.
It’s early afternoon by the time we hit the road, so we avoid most of the city traffic and head for western Pennsylvania, hoping to reach our first stop by nightfall.
“Did you make a good playlist?” Aiden asks as we merge onto I-80.
“Of course. Prepare to be dazzled by my eclectic genius,” I tell him as I pair my phone with the van’s Bluetooth.
We’ve turned music into a competition—whose playlist proves superior. I pulled from all my favorites, from classic rock and folky country to progressive metal and contemporary pop.
“Okay, musical mastermind,” he teases. “Wow me.”
Pressing play, the slow, aching sounds of ‘Rain’ by Sleep Token filters through the speakers. I’ve always loved this song, but I regretfully forgot how closely the lyrics mirror what I wish I could say but don’t have the courage.
As the last notes fade, a wave of dread settles in my stomach. The air between us feels thick. Panicking, I quickly switch tracks to ‘Shake It Off’ by Taylor Swift, tossing out glitter to lighten the awkward moment.
Aiden raises an eyebrow. “Are you a Swiftie?”
“Um, yeah. Taylor always makes everything better.”
He’s laughing, but by the chorus, he’s singing along. When ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’ comes on next, we’re both belting out the lyrics at the top of our lungs, while I unashamedly dance in my seat like a sixteen-year-old girl on a caffeine high.
The cats have finally fallen asleep in their carrier. The hum of the engine, the steady rhythm of the road, and the good music make the miles melt away. Between road-game challenges and jokes, we reminisce about our early years, and the hours fly by.
“Here’s a game for us,” Aiden says after we stop for gas and a bag of wildly overpriced snacks. “All-time favorite childhood memory. Go.”
I don’t even hesitate. “The Niagara Falls trip our families went on when we were twelve. Do you remember that?”
“Oh my God, yes,” he laughs. “That trip was a blast.”
“I’d just gotten my braces off, and I could finally eat saltwater taffy again. I ate so much of it I threw up on the Maid of the Mist.”
He snorts. “I totally forgot about that. If I remember right, you projectile vomited over the side of the boat.”
“Yeah, not my proudest moment,” I admit. “But that’s not why it stuck with me. That trip was my sexual awakening.”
Aiden glances over at me, a curious look crossing his face. I told him this story when I came out to him when I was fifteen, but he may not remember it.
“We watched the first Lord of the Rings one night in the hotel,“ I remind him. “I had all these feelings for Aragorn. Like, deep feelings. That man in tight leather, with his scruffy beard and smoldering intensity. It was game over.”
He chuckles. “So, the memory of you barfing taffy and thirsting over a hot ranger is your cornerstone moment?”
“Exactly,” I say without shame. “It was a pivotal moment in my life.” I glance over at him. “What about you? What’s your favorite memory?”
“I’ve got a bunch, actually. Like, the first day we met in kindergarten. I’d never had a best friend before you came along. Do you remember our teacher, Mrs. Bright?”
“She smelled like cookies,” I say immediately. “And she handed out those mini chocolate bars if you behaved.”
He grins. “Best teacher ever. Well, her and Mr. Warren.”
“Oh God, no question. Mr. Warren was too hot for his own good. He was, like, 24 when he started teaching us. I crushed on him hard.”
Aiden laughs, then quiets a little. “The summer after sophomore year, when we worked at the ice cream shop? That’s up there, too. Remember those stupid striped shirts and hats?”
I nod and smile, the memory washing over me of hot summer days spent side by side, our arms brushing as we scooped ice cream and blended milkshakes until the sun went down.
“And the football team would come in after practice in those tight pants and barely-there tank tops. We were not subtle about having the hots for them. That was when we finally came out to each other.” His voice softens. “You’ve always been my safe space.”
I watch him from the passenger seat, my heart thudding at a pace I can’t slow down.
“You’ve been that for me, too. Especially lately. What you’ve done for me these past few months, I’ll never be able to repay that.”
He reaches across the console and squeezes my hand, just for a moment, but it feels like more. I’m cracking at the seams with everything I haven’t said, and I know I can’t keep it in forever. I swallow hard, willing the words to rise in my throat, before chickening out again.
After a long first day, we arrive at a roadside hotel well after dark. It’s early December, and we’d been half-expecting snow or black ice, but the roads remain dry.
I get us checked in while Aiden unloads the van with what we need for the night. After getting the cats settled, he throws on some workout clothes and heads to the gym.
Settling into one bed, I start doom-scrolling on my phone. I’d deleted the apps for a while, but I recently got hooked on stupid TikTok videos. A post from an influencer I follow leads me down an OnlyFans rabbit hole, and before long, I’m thinking about Florida and what happened in that hotel room.
I’ve never allowed myself to watch the video. After the trauma of Ray’s reaction and trying to resist wanting Aiden more than I already do, I’ve avoided it like the plague. But before I can talk myself out of it, I’m subscribing to Mac’s OnlyFans page. I’m not about to look at Aiden’s.
It doesn’t take much scrolling to find what I want. Since it’s a pay-per-view, I shell out the twenty bucks and pop in an earbud. I should have plenty of time before Aiden comes back, but I’ll keep one ear trained on the door just in case.
Curling under the covers, I press play. The scene opens with a wide shot of the room—naked bodies moving rhythmically in the throes of pleasure—cocks being sucked, assholes licked, skin slapped.
Watching myself feels surreal; like I’m watching someone else. I’ve never been good at seeing myself on screen. The few videos Ray made me watch left me cringing at every unflattering angle, every flaw only I could see.
This footage switches between angles. I catch glimpses of myself in profile, with my ass being devoured, then a sharp close-up of Leon’s dick sliding in and out of my mouth, making me look vulnerable yet unashamed.
Across the room, Aiden is with Riley, his body arched, Riley’s mouth eagerly devouring his rigid cock with single-minded focus. Aiden’s near the edge of the frame, partly obscured by Chad’s ass, but I can still see enough of his face to notice.
Even in the middle of everything, his eyes keep drifting in my direction. And, from what I remember, it didn’t take long before he made his way over to me.
I scan forward until Aiden enters the frame behind me, full of confidence, sexy as hell, his piercing eyes locked onto me like a target.
His hands slide up my back, his steel-hard cock grazing my ass.
The echo of heavy breaths and deep moans filling the air drowns out his words, but as he leans forward, the memory of the lewd whisper lingers as if spoken just moments ago.
“Are you ready for my tongue in your ass?”
Fuck, I’m hard and leaking from the memory, arousal surging so hard it’s making my head spin. I should shut it down. Aiden could come back at any second. The threat of getting caught should make me reconsider my current choices, but I can’t stop myself. I’m mesmerized.
Over the loud chaos, you can hear his mouth slurping and sucking me as he goes at my ass like he’s starving.
A sharp smack lands on my right cheek, echoing through the room, making me jump forward before I grind back onto his face like a desperate slut.
Watching myself moan and beg for more, with intense lust in my eyes, is mortifying.
A sudden noise outside our current hotel room makes me jump, and I almost drop my phone. But it’s just a door across the hall, opening and closing. Still, I quickly skip ahead.
When the scene resumes, Aiden’s muscular body is wrapped tightly around mine. His smooth, glistening skin covers his flexing muscles that writhe as he thrusts in and out of me, beads of sweat sliding down his back.
The soft murmurs and deep rumbles of his voice still echo in my memory—words he uttered meant only for me.
“Fuck, baby, you feel so good. I missed you so much. I wanted this with you so badly. I want to come inside you, baby, and mark your insides. Give you part of myself that can’t be taken away.”
My eyes become glassy as the images on the screen start to blur, not from the resolution but from the storm raging behind my rib cage.
I remember every word he spoke, the feel of his powerful arms holding me tight, his musky scent, the rush of warmth as he spilled inside me, claiming me in that moment as his.
I’m so hard. Achingly so. But that’s not what’s undoing me. It’s our connection—the impossible, electric tether between us. That’s what’s twisting me up, making it hard to breathe. I ache with want, but it’s more than just wanting sex. I want him. I want all of him so badly.
And he’s right here, about to walk through that door at any moment. But he feels miles away. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to tell him how I feel. If I’m strong enough to take the risk. What if he doesn’t feel the same? But what if he does?
Fuck. This is going to be a very long five days.