31. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
Trey
I should’ve told Alex and Mandy the truth that night.
I should’ve just told everyone the truth a lot sooner, and maybe if I had, I wouldn’t be here, feeling like an absolute asshole because I fucked up and lost the best thing that I’ve ever had.
I didn’t just lose my boyfriend; I lost my best friend, too.
Normally, I’d call Hudson if I was upset about something.
Even before we got together, when we were younger, he was always there for me.
Listening to me bitch about my exes or break ups or school stuff.
And even after we reconnected, before things got more serious, I found comfort in talking to him about everything, and now…
Now he won’t even answer my calls or texts. Everything sits in our text thread as delivered.
I’ve left voicemails, too, though I don’t know if he’s listened to any of them. Probably not, if he’s not reading my texts…
Mandy’s heels click on the floor, and I turn to look at her as she enters the bathroom to reapply her lipstick.
As usual, she looks great. Her hair is pulled back in a low, wavy ponytail, her makeup soft and fresh.
She glances at me out of her peripheral as she applies the bright red color to her pouty lips and then puts the lipstick back in her little makeup bag on the sink and pulls out a tube of flesh-colored makeup.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” I say, giving her a sad smile.
“No one should go to their friend’s wedding alone . ”
It’s the way she says the word. Alone.
It hits me harder than it should.
“Especially fresh off of a nasty break up.” She nods at me, and it’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her the truth.
She unscrews the top of her tube of makeup and I expect her to put it on, but instead, she positions herself closer to me and carefully applies the applicator to her finger.
Then, she softly presses the pad of her finger underneath my eye.
I startle at the touch. The liquid is cold and makes me shiver.
“What are you doing?” I ask as she carefully pats the skin and smoothes it out.
“You look like shit,” she whispers. “Like you haven’t slept in days.”
Because I haven’t.
I haven’t been able to sleep much, if at all, since Sunday. Since the last time I heard his voice. Telling me we were done.
“This will help you look like less of a zombie,” she says, her tone warm.
Friendly. She rubs the makeup along my skin, her gaze imploring me from beneath her long, dark lashes.
Her makeup looks amazing. I can’t help but look at her like this, up close.
It doesn’t escape me how much easier it would be to be with someone like Mandy. A beautiful, successful woman.
No one would ever question why I was attracted to her. No one would give me weird looks if I kissed her in public. No one would bat an eye if I said I bought a house just to be close to her and see her every chance I got.
It would be easy, but… it would be a lie.
And for the first time in a long, long, time, it feels like I’m not just lying to everyone else, but I’m lying to myself , too.
Because I don’t want Mandy or someone like her.
I want Hudson. I want to hear his soothing voice.
I want to curl up beside him on the couch and smell his crisp rainwater scent and feel the warmth from his body enveloping me.
I want to fall into bed next to him and wake up to his amber eyes and his sexy-as-hell grin.
And I don’t think that’s ever going to go away because now I know.
I know no one else will ever make me feel the way Hudson does, and because of my own anxieties, my own cowardice, I’ve lost the only person I’ve ever really fucking loved.
The tears pool in my eyes without warning, like they have every time I let myself think about Hudson this week. About how I fucked everything up.
“Oh, Trey…” Mandy’s voice is soft and I feel the liquid escape my eye. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to throw salt on the wound, I just thought—”
“No,” I sniffle. “Mandy, you didn’t, I just—” A choked cry escapes my throat because I know this is wrong. All of it.
I should be walking into this wedding with Hudson. I should be celebrating my friends and their love with the man I love.
But I’m not. And it’s one hundred percent, completely my fault. I’ve no one to blame but myself.
“It’s okay. Weddings make people emotional,” she says carefully.
“Yeah, but that’s not why I’m upset,” I say, shaking my head. Anxiety swells in my stomach, making me almost nauseous. I can’t do this anymore.
I just… can’t.
Mandy drops her fingers and grabs a tissue. She presses it to my skin and wipes my tears away.
“Is it because you and your girlfriend broke up?” she asks. “Is that what this is about?”
I can’t help the words that fall out of my mouth.
“No,” I say, finding her gaze. “It’s because my boyfriend and I broke up.”
Her eyes widen.
“Oh,” she says, her voice full of surprise. “I, uh… didn’t realize she was a… he .”
“Of course you didn’t,” I say, the disdain evident in my voice.
“I never corrected you.” I bite my lip, the words on the tip of my tongue.
I figure, what’s the worst that can happen if I tell the truth now?
I’ve already lost everything, so what’s the point in hiding anymore?
“Just like I didn’t correct Alex when he assumed you were my fiancée. ”
Mandy nods, understanding falling on her.
“So she wasn’t upset about the photos… he was.”
I nod. “Yeah. Hudson was pretty upset. He hasn’t spoken to me since.”
There’s a heavy silence between us, and I brace for her judgment. But it doesn’t come.
Instead, she dabs the tissue beneath my eyes, her own glazing with sadness.
“Hudson?” she whispers. The silence is thick as she realizes what I’ve actually said. “Your boyfriend was—”
“Hudson.” Saying his name hurts, but it also feels strangely cathartic. “Yeah. But he’s not anymore.”
“Oh,” she says, dabbing my cheek. It’s a strange touch; almost motherly. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
And then she speaks, softer than I’ve ever heard her before.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.” I say the word without hesitation. There is no fear, no worry, no anxiety. I say that one word confidently, firmly, because it’s the truest yes I’ve ever said in my life.
And though part of me expects to feel pain and sadness… I don’t.
I feel better. Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
“I love him so fucking much, Mandy.” The sob that leaves me is cathartic in a way I’ve never known.
She gives me a sweet smirk. I stare at my watch.
We’ve still got at least forty-five minutes until the wedding ceremony, and it’s not far.
Though I was hoping to meet up with Alex to talk about what happened, since we never got to have that conversation like I wanted.
Even if Hudson doesn’t show up today, I don’t want to hide the truth anymore.
Maybe that starts with talking about these things openly, with people I trust. Friends.
Like Mandy and Alex. He’s never shied away from his sexuality and doesn’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just…
who he is, and I think maybe that’s the point. He just loves Mack, and that’s it.
That’s all that matters.
I also feel like I owe him the truth, considering I’d called him and screamed at him about taking those photos down in a heartbroken, drunken tirade and he didn’t even ask me why I was upset.
Which is telling in itself, because Alex always wants details.
It’s a long shot, but I don’t want to give up hope.
I can’t give up hope. If Cameron and Austen can rebuild their friendship and come back stronger—and get married—and if Alex and Mack can put their issues aside and choose each other first, then maybe, just maybe Hudson and I can find some way to reconcile, too.
But if I want to show Hudson I am okay with these things, with being open about how I feel—about him, about us, I need to do what I came here to do.
I need to start fresh, not just with my friends, but with myself, too.
“Awww, Trey…” She sighs, and I hear the sadness in her voice.
“I was an idiot,” I say carefully.
Mandy shifts closer to me, her arm brushing mine.
“Most men are idiots,” she says with a chuckle.
I roll my eyes. “I beg to differ.”
She looks at me with an aching remorse. I know she understands, because she’s sort of in the same boat, but it doesn’t make it any easier to admit.
“I told him it was easier to let people assume sometimes. You know, about us—” I look at her.
“About our fake relationship, because it was good for our image. My image. And though Hudson and I said we wouldn’t hide our relationship…
” I let out a heavy sigh. “I did. I thought it was better that way, you know?”
There’s a soft silence between us.
“You protected me from the assholes, and I’ll always be thankful for that, but… I also used you and our fake engagement as an excuse to shut people out, and I know you did, too.”
I drop my hands, my palms bracing the edge of the sink. “We were going to tell everyone today,” I say softly. “I was scared. I guess.”
“What were you afraid of?” she asks, the concern in her voice evident.
“Fucking it up,” I say with a strained, sarcastic laugh. “I guess I thought if I could just keep things between us, the way they were…things would stay good, you know? I didn’t want to break what wasn’t broken.”
Mandy wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me close. I lean against her shoulder without a second thought. She rubs my arm.
The sob that escapes me is my response. My throat is tight and my heart is racing, breaking all over again as I tell her the truth.
And then I see her hand on my arm. Her bare ring finger.
She’s not wearing her ring.
“Where’s your ring?” I ask shakily. Mandy holds my gaze steady.
“It doesn’t fit anymore.”