Chapter 6
MAYA
A few days later, I closed the book and placed it on Elliot’s bedside table. ‘Now, sweetheart, it’s time for you to get some sleep.’
‘Mummy?’ he asked.
‘Yes, love?’
‘Is Daddy gone away?’
‘No, love, he’s not travelling; he’s just working late.’
‘He always works late. I wish he came home early sometimes so he could play with me.’
‘Me too but your daddy is working hard so that we can have all the nice things that we have.’
‘Mummy, will you tell Daddy to give me a kiss goodnight when he comes home?’
‘Of course I will. Now you’d better get some sleep.
’ I pulled the duvet right up over his shoulders and tucked it in beneath his chin.
‘Sweet dreams, baby boy,’ I whispered as I placed a kiss on his perfect skin.
He settled down onto the pillows, his eyes closing almost immediately.
I stood up, replaced the book we had been reading on his shelves, before creeping out of the room.
I came downstairs and went back into the kitchen.
I had had it redesigned last year. Solid oak cupboards were hand-painted in an off-white shade, accented with marble countertops and brass hardware.
The island was five metres long and was perfect for hosting.
We loved having friends and neighbours over or business acquaintances and clients of Hugo’s.
We would put on the perfect show of togetherness.
Hugo would stand with his arm along the small of my back, toasting our guests, and we would smile happily.
No one would ever guess how troubled our marriage really was and that was the way I wanted to keep it.
I entered the pantry, opened the door of the wine fridge and selected the bottle that I had opened the night before and poured the remainder of it into a large glass.
The tinkly sound of it as it hit the crystal was like my bedtime story calling me to relax.
Although I loved my son dearly, he was a livewire and when he finally went to bed, it was my time to unwind and I liked nothing more than rewarding myself with a generous glass.
I took a sip and placed it down again on the marble island.
I began tidying up after Elliot, gathering the Lego blocks and diecast cars and putting them into the toybox in the playroom.
I filled the dishwasher and wiped down the countertops.
Then when I had everything in its place, I pulled the door closed and went into the living room and pointed the remote at the TV.
I flicked through the channels absent-mindedly while scrolling on my phone.
It was after nine when I saw the beams of Hugo’s headlights in the driveway outside.
He seemed to be getting later and later every evening.
I knew he had a lot on at the minute – he was working on a development that was running over time – but another part of me wondered if he was avoiding me.
I felt my stomach clench and I hated how this was now my reaction to my husband returning home from work.
I remembered what Julia had said about not attacking him as soon as he came in the door.
I was trying so hard since our last session.
I had been biting my tongue all week, feeling the knots tighten and clench around the muscles in my shoulders and neck.
Even though I had only been implementing her advice for a few days, I had to say she was right.
Although the atmosphere between us was still strained and we were nowhere near loving, the constant bickering and attacking one another seemed to have calmed down.
However, there were no concessions coming from Hugo; he was still working long hours and was never around so unless that changed, I couldn’t see how we’d succeed in the long term.
As I heard his key in the lock and footsteps coming down the hall, I took a deep breath. I stood up and made my way back into the kitchen to him. I placed my wine glass down on the island. ‘Hi there,’ I forced my tone to be light, easy. ‘How was your day?’
‘Busy,’ he said distractedly as he read something on his phone.
He never asked me about my day or what I had done.
It was as if it never occurred to him that I might have my own life.
Not that my day had been very exciting; I had gone to the supermarket after dropping Elliot to playschool, then after I had picked him up, we’d headed into town to get his uniform.
We had grabbed a hot chocolate and cookie in a coffee shop before coming home. He just wasn’t interested.
‘I kept dinner for you; I can heat it up if you’re hungry?’ I tried.
‘I’ve already eaten.’
‘No worries,’ I said, lifting my wine glass and taking a long sip. I rested my elbows on the marble countertop and turned in his direction. ‘I brought Elliot into town to get his uniform for St Fintan’s today,’ I went on, to make conversation. ‘I can’t believe how grown-up he looks in it.’
He looked up from his screen. ‘He starts next Monday, isn’t it?’
I nodded. ‘Those years have gone so fast.’
‘In the blink of an eye,’ he agreed. He put his phone in his back pocket, then ran his hands through his wavy hair. ‘I’m going to go have a shower.’
My heart sank. It was almost as if he couldn’t bear to be in the same room as me.
I was trying. I was trying so hard but it was one-way traffic – he was making no effort.
Had he even listened to what Julia had said?
It was as if her words had had no effect on him or he thought they were just something relevant to me.
Did he think he was blameless? That our issues were my fault alone?
Why was I wasting my time going there every week?
I didn’t want to give up on my marriage, I really did not want Elliot to come from a broken home like I had, but was it time to accept that he was never going to change?
‘Oh, by the way,’ I said, desperately scrambling for something to say, for some crumbs of his affection. ‘Elliot asked if you could kiss him goodnight when you came in.’
‘All right,’ he sighed as he headed out the door.
I went back into the pantry and had to open a new bottle to refill my wine glass.
As the barley-yellow liquid glugged into the glass, I felt anger writhe inside me like an eel.
I took a sip, clenching my fingers tightly around the fine stem of the glass.
I went back out to the kitchen, pulled out a chair at the island and plonked myself down on it.
I never could have imagined how you could live with another person, share a life with them and yet be so lonely.