Chapter 7
LIV
I held my phone out in front of me and waited until Finn’s beautiful grin appeared in the frame on my screen.
I pressed the button to take the photo but he had run off before I had even finished.
I checked to see if I had captured anything remotely decent but his body was a blurry smear of navy across the photo.
‘Come back, Finn,’ I coaxed. ‘Just one more, lovey. Then I promise I’ll leave you alone.’
‘But Mammy, you already gotted one!’ he protested.
‘I know but you’re just so cute,’ I said, ruffling his curly hair.
He still wore it long. We had never taken him to a barber and I trimmed it myself because I couldn’t bear to cut it up short like most boys his age.
‘It’s not every day our little boy starts big school.
I need one to send to Granny and Grandad and Aunty Linda.
Please,’ I begged, clasping my hands together in a mock-prayer.
‘They’ll never speak to me again if I don’t. ’
Today was the day that Finn was starting primary school.
I was excited for him setting out on a new adventure, gaining a little more independence and making new friends.
His little mind was always active and I knew he’d relish the challenge of learning new things but I couldn’t help feeling a bittersweet pang because my baby boy was growing up fast. I had seen how my nieces and nephews entered the classroom as babies in September and after a few weeks, changed and grew so much.
I knew it was nature’s way and I needed to let go but it was hard.
Perhaps it might not have been as poignant if Finn had had a younger sibling but because he was my first child and my last, everything felt heightened, my feelings intensified.
If we didn’t have another baby, every milestone that Finn approached would be our only time to do it.
When he had taken his first steps, when he had first called me Mama, his first day at school would be the first and last time I would get to experience it if we didn’t have another baby.
I could see why Jay fought so hard to give Finn a brother or sister; it was also a way of holding onto the short years of parenthood for a little bit longer.
Time was ticking and the pressure to make a decision felt so heavy on my chest that sometimes, I couldn’t breathe.
And at the back of my mind was the reality that it had taken us two years to conceive Finn so even if we decided to go for it, it might not happen for us.
Finn walked back over, giggling. He started to pose with his arms folded across his chest and pouting.
‘Finn, you are a right monkey this morning,’ Jay laughed, scooping him up into his arms and burying his beard into the impossibly soft skin of his neck.
The child convulsed into laughter. ‘Stop, Daddy, stop! It’s too tickly.’
‘I’m not stopping until you let us take a photo. Do you agree?’
‘Okay, Daddy,’ he finally conceded through his giggles.
‘Right, then,’ Jay said as he placed him back down on the floor. ‘Here, you stand in beside him, Liv, and I’ll take it,’ Jay offered.
I walked over, bent down to Finn’s level and put my arm around him.
‘Stand a little more to the right, Liv.’
I did as instructed and grinned at the camera.
‘Yeah that’s good. Say cheese, Finn.’
‘Cheese, Finn,’ our son echoed and we all laughed.
When we finally had taken the photograph, Jay crouched down before Finn and helped hook his arms through the straps of his dinosaur school bag, then we stepped outside into the warm September sunlight.
It was as though the summer was determined to give us one last blast of heat before the autumn chill arrived.
The three of us walked hand in hand with Finn swinging between us. It was only a short walk to the school.
‘Daddy, do you think my teacher knows everything in the whole wild world about dinosaurs?’ Finn asked as we walked.
‘I’m not sure, little man. It’ll be hard to find someone who knows more than you, that’s for sure.’
‘I hope she does and she teaches me lots and lots of new facts and then I can tell you and Mammy.’ He lifted his feet off the ground and swung again.
‘You know, it won’t be all dinosaurs; you’ll have to do writing and practice your numbers and phonics to help you learn how to read,’ I said.
‘I already know-ded all that, Mammy,’ he said impatiently.
Soon, the red-bricked school building came into view in the distance and I slowed my pace.
When we arrived at the gate, I felt a lump ball in my throat and my heart began to race as we entered the grounds.
I hoped I wasn’t going to start crying; the last thing I wanted was for Finn to see me getting upset.
I swallowed down the lump and reminded myself that this was a happy day.
‘Are you okay?’ Jay asked, picking up on my trepidation.
I nodded because I didn’t trust myself to speak.
Finn stopped and looked around at the other children holding hands with their parents as they entered the building.
Jay crouched down beside him. ‘Are you okay, Finn?’ he asked.
Finn bit down on his bottom lip, suddenly seeming unsure of himself.
‘It’s normal to be scared by new things but you’re going to have so much fun,’ I reassured him, hearing a quiver in my voice.
Finn looked up at me, his head cocked to the side. ‘I’m not scared, Mammy,’ he said, putting on a brave face. ‘Come on,’ he said, tugging on our hands. ‘Let’s go.’
Jay grinned at me and I knew we were both thinking the same thing: how lucky we were, how blessed.
Then the bitter afterthought popped up, ready to crush me as it always did: how could I risk this happiness by having another baby?
How could I tempt fate when my life was perfect as it was?
It was greedy to want more instead of cherishing what I had.
Finn wriggled free from our grip, leaving us to hurry along behind him.
‘Come on,’ Jay coaxed, putting an arm around my shoulder and steering me towards the red-bricked building after him. ‘He’s going to love it.’