Chapter 33
LIV
After Maya had left and Jay had coaxed me round, he made a Sunday roast with all the trimmings, then we all curled up on the sofa and watched one of the Minion movies together with hot chocolate and lots of treats.
As I took in my family, Finn giggling at the film, Jay fishing in the bowl for the Maltesers that we had mixed in through the popcorn, this simple happiness was all I ever wanted and I was so grateful for everything that we had.
I put what had happened earlier with Maya out of my head, I felt a bit embarrassed now about how I had reacted if the truth be told.
I knew Jay would never have deliberately flirted with her.
I was just being jealous, letting all my old insecurities rise to the top.
At bedtime, we brought Finn upstairs and changed him into his pyjamas.
We tucked him in and sat on the side of his bed as Jay began to read his story.
I traced my fingertips in delicate circles over his forehead as he rhymed off the story with Jay.
He knew this book off by heart and loved reading it aloud with us.
When he had finished, Jay closed the story book which Finn had insisted on reading twice. I kissed him on his forehead, his button nose, his cheeks, then Jay did the same until Finn was giggling uncontrollably.
‘Mammy and Daddy love you so much,’ Jay said. ‘Never forget that.’
‘Did you and Mammy talk about the baby yet?’ he asked hopefully.
I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my heart twist inside.
‘Not yet, little man,’ Jay broached. ‘It’s a pretty big topic.’
‘It’s okay if you and Mammy can’t talk about it because I have a plan.’ He smiled.
‘You do?’ I asked, intrigued.
‘I’m going to ask Santa for a baby!’ he announced proudly.
We exchanged a look over his head. Shit, I thought. This had gone too far now. We had been stringing him along, full of hope, and now if we weren’t going to give him what he wanted, Santa was the backup plan. My heart beat wildly and I felt the familiar panic wind itself even tighter around me.
‘R-really?’ Jay fumbled for a response. ‘Ehm, I’m not sure if Santa can bring babies, Finn.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because babies need a lot of care,’ I explained. ‘What if Santa delivered a baby to the wrong person or to a person who didn’t want to mind it?’
‘But we’d mind it and I’d help you and Daddy,’ he reasoned.
‘Look, Christmas is a long time away still. Mammy and I will try and talk about it soon,’ Jay said. ‘Night night, Finn.’
‘Goodnight, sweetie,’ I said as I folded the top of the duvet and tucked it beneath his chin, then we stood up from the side of his bed and crept out of the room.
‘Fuck,’ Jay whispered as we stood on the landing outside his door moments later. He rubbed his hands down over his face.
‘What are we going to do now?’ I sighed.
‘I honestly don’t know but we need to decide once and for all. It’s not fair to prolong it any more for him.’
The train was hurtling down the tracks towards me and I couldn’t run from it any longer. I needed to make my decision.