14. Darwin
“WELL, I think it’s safe to call this a breakthrough, Darwin.”
I’ve been seeing Doctor Lucas for over five years now, and I’ve never seen him look so pleased. It’s unsettling. “I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I say, leaning back in my office chair.
Lucas laughs. “Why the hell not? A month ago, you were in a very different place. A bad place, and I believe you’ll agree. When I saw you’d finally kept an appointment, I expected the worst. But you’re telling me you’ve been leaving the house regularly, working in a non-sterile environment, went to a large store, and are in an intimate relationship. Anything else I should know about?”
There is, and I’m not sure why I’m embarrassed to admit it. I scratch my beard, staring at the wall beyond my computer screen. “I’ve been writing. Quite a lot. It’s not anything yet, but it might be.”
The man looks, if possible, even happier. “Oh, is that all? Do me a favor and lift your hands for me to see.”
Reluctantly, I do as he asks. They look normal, or at least close. There are darkened patches in the places where my skin once cracked. They’re not scars, but are still an obvious reminder of where I was not so long ago.
Doctor Lucas grins. “Goddamn, Wilder. I’m impressed. Tell me more about this woman.”
Ah. This is the part of the conversation I wasn’t looking forward to. “Her name is Savvy.” My therapist arches an eyebrow, and I continue, “She’s… Stone’s daughter. I offered to help her with Galactic Guild, and we grew close.”
That has his attention. “Can I ask how old she is?”
I refuse to hide my feelings for Savvy, but that doesn’t make the topic of our age difference any less awkward to broach. “She’s twenty-seven.”
To my surprise, Lucas chuckles and shakes his head. “Not as bad as I feared. We’ll get back to that. So, she’s aware of your history?”
“She is.”
He makes a note on the pad in front of him. “And, have you been physically intimate?”
It’s a testament to how truly gone for this woman I am that my therapist saying the words “physically intimate”in reference to her makes my cock twitch.
“No,” I admit, grateful there’s a desk covering my lap. “We’re taking it slow.”
Slow is good. It’s the sensible thing to do, given my mental health and our history. Plus, Savvy deserves romance for all that I’ve put her through. I can’t go from pretending our relationship is platonic to dry humping her against the snack bar in the space of a few days.
Even if it’s all I’ve been able to think about.
Lucas hums, still scribbling. “Is that something you’re worried about, considering your history of aversion to physical contact?”
I hesitate. “Savvy… Understands. Better than most would. If there are issues, we’ll figure it out.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
I drum my fingers on the surface of the desk, staring blankly at a stack of notes I made late last night as I search for the honest answer. Yes. Yes, I’m fucking worried about it. After all we’ve been through so far, we haven’t even kissed, and the prospect is equally thrilling and terrifying. Memories of the last time her lips touched mine keep coming to mind, a sobering reminder of how badly this could go.
Wanting her isn’t an issue. Even before we settled things yesterday, I’ve had to jerk off twice a day just to take the edge off, and it’s always to thoughts of Savvy. Sometimes, if she’s worn something truly agonizing that day, I’ll press my face in a sweater she left in my car as I work myself, my hips lifting off the bed as her scent invades my senses.
I’ve thought of burying my face between her thighs, sucking away the sweet cream her pussy has made for me. I’ve wondered how it would feel to push my fingers inside her tight hole and watch myself pump them in and out, searching for the place that makes her shake.
So, yes. I’m worried.
Before I can think of a way to tell all this to Lucas, however, an alarm on his phone chimes. My therapist smiles wryly as he silences it. “Saved by the bell. Listen, Darwin, I’ll just say this. For a long time, you had something of a codependent relationship with your OCD. As terrible as it was, it also enabled you to avoid stepping out of your comfort zone. From the sounds of it, you’re out now. Enjoy yourself.”
Lucas promises to have his receptionist call and set up my next appointment, and we end the call, leaving me alone in my silent house.
It’s the middle of the day, and Savvy is working at her driving job for another few hours. I haven’t seen her since yesterday evening, when her friend’s family swept her off to have dinner with them after a day spent cleaning the arena. I declined their invitation, sensing Raven would stab me with a fork if I accepted the offer. Instead, I drove home to my big, dark, empty house.
Funny how so recently, this was the most comforting place in the world to me. Now, it’s missing something. Someone. What would change about this room if Savvy lived here? What would it be like to open the bedroom closet and see my clothes hanging side by side with hers? To kiss her awake? To be the person she comes to when she has a fight with her mother or is struggling with work?
Fuck, I’m in this so deep. I’m never going to recover from this—from her—and, seemingly overnight, my priorities have shifted. The gaping hole in my chest that’s been present since the release of my last book is closing up, and, as difficult as it is for me to admit it, so is my grief for Stone.
I’ll always miss him and be grateful for his friendship, but there was so much left unsaid between us, so many resentments never voiced. I also can’t forgive him for the position he left Savvy in, or for not at least setting aside his shame to prepare her for it.
She is my priority now.
Doctor Lucas was right. It was easier to face my OCD than it was to face myself, but I have now. It’s so obvious in retrospect how restricted I was, how much I was allowing my disorder to control me when I was more than capable of controlling it. If I’m going to make her happy, I’ll need to keep trying.
I have to do something. Something deliberate and planned that isn’t falling all over myself to get closer to her.
We are close. Against all odds, things I never dared to hope for are happening,and I refuse to take them for granted. Now comes the real work: building a foundation we can grow on, because this needs to last.I don’t want her to think she was something that just happened to me. Savvy deserves to feel chosen, adored, and special, and while I have no practical knowledge of how to do this, I’m determined to figure it out.
Pulling out my phone, I lean back, thumbs hovering over the screen as I try to decide how to go about this.
Darwin: The kids aren’t working, so let’s play hooky tonight. Galactic Guild can wait until tomorrow.
I slide my phone onto the desk, not expecting her to get back to me any time soon, and turn to my computer. There’s an open document with ideas for my next project, but even as I attempt to work, all I do is rewrite the same sentence five times, aware of the silent phone sitting beside my hand.
When it buzzes a few minutes later and I nearly drop the device in my hurry to see her response, I’m very glad there’s no one to witness it.
Savvy: This is awfully irresponsible, Mr. Wilder. I support it. I’m kind of bummed I won’t see you though…
Savvy: Is that weird to say? I’m sorry if that was super awkward.
Darwin: It is weird to say, because you won’t miss me.
Darwin: I was unclear before. Let’s play hooky together. Come to my house when you’re finished working?
Savvy: Yes, please.
By the time the sun is setting and I know Savvy should be finished with work, I’m beginning to second-guess this plan.
Isn’t the whole point of making a gesture like this to show her I’ve changed? Would it have been better to take her out somewhere? There are dozens of highly rated restaurants within ten minutes of us, but instead of taking her to one of them, I spent the better part of the day doing this? Truthfully, I’ve had more than enough self-imposed challenges for one week and wanted to be able to focus on her, not the panic clawing at my insides or resisting the urge to scrub my hands until the feeling stops. What if that was the wrong thing to do, though?
With a mounting level of panic, I survey the carefully laid table and the flickering candles, and beyond that, the telescope I’ve set up on the back deck beside all the blankets and pillows I could find. It’s supposed to be a clear night, and there have been meteor showers all summer. If we’re lucky, maybe we can catch one.
That’s romantic, isn’t it?
As I arranged it all, I imagined myself showing Savvy how to adjust the settings, pointing out the planets visible from our hemisphere with my arms around her… Fuck, who am I?
I barely recognize the thoughts I’m having, can barely wrap my head around the fact that this is my life now. This might all be new to me, but it feels good. Right. Never in my adult life have I felt so free of my compulsions, as close to typical as someone like me can ever hope to be.
Tonight, I’m not a man trapped by his own mind. I’m Savvy’s boyfriend. Hopefully. Maybe. If she’ll have me.
My stomach twists, because I don’t know. My actions thus far certainly seemed to express how I feel, haven’t they? The things I said yesterday suggested as much, but I still haven’t heard how she feels about this particular plot twist. Maybe it’s all too much, too fast. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’ve never resented my lack of romantic experience so much until now.
There’s no time to reconsider this plan, though, or try to recall how I’ve gone from obsessive recluse to hopelessly besotted boyfriend (hopefully) in under a month. Headlights shine through the front windows, and my heart takes up residence in my throat as I cross to the front of the house
I linger behind the heavy wood door, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans. The doorbell sounds a minute later, but I force myself to pause where I am and not lunge for the handle like the deranged lunatic I’ve clearly become.
When I do open it, though, I wish I hadn’t resisted.
Savvy looks up at me from the front step, dressed in a little white sundress that makes her skin look gold in contrast, and she’s smiling.
“Hi,” I choke out, dazed by how unbelievably gorgeous she is.
Her smile widens. “Hi.”
I step aside, allowing her past me into the house. Only a few weeks ago, I opened this door and was nearly bowled over by my reaction to her. It seems like so much longer ago than it was; everything feels so different now.
I know now that this isn’t just attraction. I’ve fallen for her and, as we walk side by side back into the kitchen, I realize how terrifying it is not to know if she’s feeling this as deeply as I am.
Savvy stops as we enter the kitchen, and I hear her gasp. “Dar,” she breathes, eyes shining in the dimmed lights. “You did all this? For me?”
My stomach sinks as I watch her take in the table, the telescope, and the food. There’s no question about my intention for tonight to be a date. “Is it too much? I didn’t want to—” My words falter, and I look away from her, staring at the table without seeing it. “I’m sorry if it’s too much.”
A soft, warm hand takes mine, squeezing, and I gather my courage to turn back to her.
Savvy doesn’t look upset. “It’s not too much.” She shakes her head. “It’s amazing, Dar. I don’t know what to say. Nobody’s done something like this for me before.”
I feel a prickle of irritation toward her previous boyfriends for failing so spectacularly, but it doesn’t take long to vanish. If they’d treated Savvy the way she deserves, we wouldn’t be here now. Even if it’s selfish, I can’t bring myself to regret their negligence.
Emboldened, I reach out, tucking a lock of pink hair back behind her ear. “I’ve never done this for anyone, either.”
Her answering smile is—quite literally—breathtaking. “But you did for me.”
I’ll do a lot more if I can make her mine. Everything. Anything. My gaze moves to her lips, watching the tip of her pink tongue dart out to wet them. “Yes,” I tell her at last.
Neither of us move, and something seems to tighten in the space between us as the room floods with heat.
We’re standing in almost the same spot we were nine years ago and, judging by the sudden flash of apprehension on Savvy’s face, she realizes it too. As she goes to step away, though, my hand darts out to stop her.
I can’t hear anything over the blood rushing in my ears.
Savvy gazes up at me from beneath her eyelashes, full lips parted.
Perfect. She’s perfect.
It’s as though the gravity in the foot between us is stronger, and resisting the pull is almost impossible. Something defiant rears inside me as I realize how fearful she looks, how worried she is that this moment will be a repeat of the last time we stood in this spot.
As I lean down to slant my mouth over Savvy’s in a kiss, it’s almost an out-of-body experience.
I see it from the outside as her mouth opens to mine, and hear the rough, hungry noise I make in response.
I see her hands fly to my chest as mine find her waist, squeezing harder than I should in my desperation.
I see the way we rock together, her body bowing to mine, as our kisses turn from sweet to frantic in seconds.
She’s made me so hard it’s painful, an urgent, throbbing ache that I know instinctively can only be relieved by her. I need to fuck her, need to feel my little tornado from the inside, to pump and pump until we’re so lost in each other that we’ll never find our way apart.
Fuck, I didn’t know it was possible to want anything this much.
My hands find her breasts, cupping and teasing them greedily through the soft material of her dress. She feels incredible, feminine and warm against my larger, harder body. I want to bury my face in her stomach and breathe her in, but before that, I need to make her come.
“Savvy, baby.” I tilt my hips forward, showing her how hard she’s made me and drawing a gasp from her swollen lips. “You feel so good.”
“So do you. Oh god, Dar, don’t stop,” she pleads brokenly, pressing against me as my mouth reclaims hers.
Our kiss grows unrestrained and bruising. In my arms, my little tornado is writhing, moaning, and arching her back, trying to get closer to me. I know what she needs, know it with such confidence it’s like I’ve stepped inside her skin.
Reaching down, I grip the back of her thighs and lift, never once moving my lips from hers. It’s as if we choreographed this. There are no awkward pauses or fumbling hands, no clacking teeth or discomfort. No, our bodies have been waiting for this a lot longer than our heads would like us to believe. We’re ready.
Savvy hisses in surprise when the bare skin of her thighs meets the cold marble countertop, but I don’t pause.
Dragging the hem of her little white dress up over her head, my eyes roam hungrily over bare, golden skin. They don’t get far.
My cock is going to tear through these fucking pants—Jesus Christ.
I groan, my entire body vibrating with the effort it takes not to lunge at her. “Oh fuck, baby. You pierced them?”
Savvy smiles coyly, her cheeks flushed and breathing ragged. “Do you like it?” Sitting forward, she wraps her hands around my wrists, guiding them up to cup her bare tits.
Holy fuck.
“You’re perfect.” It’s not an exaggeration. The more I look, the more sure I become. Those piercings are hot as fuck, and when I manage to tear my eyes away from them, I’m rewarded with a full view of the tattoo that’s been tormenting me for weeks.
It’s like the artist sprinkled a section of the night sky over the skin of her rib cage. Black and deep-blue ink swirl together, with tiny pinpricks of space left in the ink, allowing her skin to shine through like the light of distant suns.
Emotion clogs my throat as I remember the telescope set up outside, but it’s nothing compared to the rush of raw devotion that comes when I can read the text scrawled along the top of it.
It’s good for the plot.
My eyes lift to her face as shocked recognition settles over me. She has my words tattooed on her body?
“I got it the week I turned eighteen,” Savvy explains quietly, and there’s uncertainty in her face now, as though I could be anything other than awed by her. The thought of her carrying this piece of me on her skin for all these years…
My fingers ghost over the tattoo, half expecting to feel some difference in the inked skin, but there’s none. It’s a part of her. I’m a part of her.
How many times is this woman going to rob me of the ability to speak?
It doesn’t matter. Right now, we don’t need to talk.
My fingers knot in the back of her hair, and Savvy’s surprised gasp has barely left her lips before I’ve dragged her back into me to kiss her with everything I have.
The choreography has changed now. The frantic, dumb lust that possessed me only moments ago has been replaced with a dark, primal need that goes so much deeper.
She was made for me, and now I’m going to fucking take her.
Savvy cries out, panting into my mouth as my hands return to her tits, drawing my thumbs back and forth over the tiny metal balls nestled on either side of the puckered flesh. “So naughty, baby,” I grit out in between kisses.
Her body arches into my touch and—fuck—I’ve never been so hard. Never. I’m making her feel this way. Me. My hands are on her body. Her dress is laying in a crumpled heap on my floor, and I’m the one who put it there.
This stunning, fearless creature wants me. And I want to make her come. Repeatedly.
My hands drop to her hips, and we steal harsh, desperate kisses as Savvy lifts her ass, letting me pull down her panties. They’ve only just cleared her ankles before I’ve sealed our bodies together again. I can’t stop touching her, and I don’t want to. Never have I felt so utterly out of control, so outside my own head. I’m operating on instinct alone, and it’s exhilarating.
Part of me wants to make this last, to draw out every second for as long as possible and remember every gasp or moan I draw from her body. As Savvy’s naked legs wrap around me, though, her hands clutching my shirt, I know it’s a lost cause.
“You need this so bad, don’t you?” I ask, lowering my head to suck roughly on her neck, hard enough to leave a mark. The need to make this woman mine in every way is driving me out of my mind.
I feel, rather than see, her nodding in response. “Yes—oh my god—yes, Dar!” She’s grinding against me, pressing those perky, hot-as-fuck tits against my chest. I tilt her back to take one in my mouth, sucking greedily and batting her piercing with my tongue.
I want more.
I want to worship this woman, to make her feel so good that she forgets every other man who’s touched her. A savage growl breaks from my chest at the thought, and my hands find her bare ass, dragging her to the edge of the countertop.
Her pussy is pressed against my stomach, the heat of her searing even through my shirt.
“I’m going to make you come,” I promise as I switch to her other breast, worshiping this side as fiercely as the first.
Savvy’s hands tighten in my hair. “Please!”
“Look at you,” I rasp, straightening up and gazing between us at her naked body. “I never stood a chance, did I? Holy fuck, you’re going to look so good stretched around my cock, baby.”
Goosebumps erupt over her body, and I know they’re not from the cold.
She likes it when I call her that, likes it when I praise her beautiful body. “Can I touch you?” I keep my eyes on hers, searching for signs that this is going too fast as my fingers drag over the delicate skin of her inner thigh, edging closer to her pussy.
Savvy’s eyelids flutter as she spreads her legs further, making room for me. “You can do anything you want.”
Her words make me throb. There’s a thousand things I want to do to her, an endless list of desires that begin and end with making my girl moan. I may not have done this before, but I’m going to figure it out. I have to.
As I move to touch her, though, something shifts inside me.
No. No. No.
Instead of moving to Savvy’s pussy, my hand drops to the counter, curling into a fist as the familiar too-hot, crawling discomfort seeps through me. I swallow, forcing myself to breathe through my nose.
“Dar?”
I can’t look at her, so I turn away, frustration and horror taking root inside me, warring with the lust that was so potent only seconds ago. “Just a second,” I tell her, and my voice is strained. Part of me wants to turn around and take what’s mine, while the other—the stronger, more familiar part—wants to end this. To walk straight to the sink and turn the water on as hot as it will go, to clean and clean until I rid myself of the horrible, clawing thoughts that have violated the best moment of my life.
Fuck—God fucking damn it. How will I ever look her in the eye again? How will I ever convince her I want her more than anything, when my actions say the opposite?
“Dar.” Savvy’s hands find my face, guiding me toward her again. Even through my panic, my heart wrenches at the softness in her expression. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I swallow, shaking my head as I try to break away from my spiraling thoughts, humiliation and guilt burning in my chest.
“Dar,” she insists, leaning forward and pressing the sweetest kiss to my jaw. “Let me in. Please.” And there’s no mistaking the strain in her voice. I realize with a jolt that it isn’t my disorder stopping tonight in its tracks, it’s my reluctance to open up to her.
My eyes squeeze shut. “I’m thinking there’s something… something in your… it will burn me.” I can’t say it, I just can’t. That my brain is trying to tell me that the slick, shiny wetness coating Savvy’s beautiful pussy, physical proof of her attraction to me, is anything other than glorious… This is my worst nightmare come to life.
Except, Savvy seems to understand without me needing to say it. “Dar,” she murmurs, holding my gaze. “Watch.”
I watch.
My heart leaps into my throat as one slim hand slides teasingly down her bare body. By the time she dips two fingers between the lips of her pussy, coating them in her own arousal, I can’t breathe.
“Watch,” she whispers again, lifting those same fingers to her mouth.
Before I can even process what her intention is, she’s wrapped her lips around her fingers, sucking away her own wetness.
My cock throbs, and I make a rough, wounded noise. “Baby?—”
“See?” Savvy murmurs, and before I can recover from the gesture, she does it again. “I won’t hurt you, Dar. I promise.”
For a moment, all I can do is stare.
I love her.
This woman, who’s made friends with my inner monsters, who’s shown me the world isn’t something to hide from… I’m in love with her.
I’m so in love with her, I’ll never recover. So in love, that if I dedicated the rest of my life to writing out my devotion to Savvy Laurence, I still wouldn’t come close to capturing the intensity of my feelings for her in this moment.
My hands have relaxed, and, forcing myself to go slow, I reach for her again.
Savvy meets my kiss without hesitation, arching closer to me, and the cold metal of her piercings brushes my chest.
I can taste her arousal on her lips, and a guttural groan breaks free from my chest as our kiss turns from reverent to hungry in seconds. We’re in the same position we were before I pulled away, and the lust kindling between us is just as potent. It’s as though no time has passed, like we never stopped.
Savvy isn’t put off by what just happened, she hasn’t gone cold or become self-conscious. She understands me and sees all of me, even the parts I wish she didn’t have to, and she wants me anyway.
It takes every ounce of control I possess to keep from dropping to my knees and telling her right now.
I love you.
I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.
“Savvy,” I plead, my head falling back as my little tornado attacks my neck, kissing, licking, and biting like I did to her only minutes ago. “I want to eat your pussy, baby. Let me make you feel good?—”
“Baby steps,” she murmurs, even as her hand finds the hard ridge of my cock, stroking me through my pants and making me shake. “I have an idea.”