Chapter Twenty-Three
Caden
I’m an asshole.
A chickenshit asshole.
I’ve seen Adrienne twice this week, and both times I practically ran away. Of course, I took a few seconds to drink her in, recalling the curves of her body beneath the clothes she was wearing. It took every ounce of control I possessed not to grab on to her and kiss the hell out of her. And after that? Cart her off to the nearest bedroom. Or closet. Or bathroom. Wherever. I craved her like I’ve never needed a person before in my life, which is why I had to get away from her.
See? Asshole.
It’s now Friday. Friday. I haven’t talked to her all week. My lips long for hers, my hands itch to touch her skin. This is pure fucking torture, and I have no one to blame but myself.
The worst part is, she hasn’t reached out to me either. Yes, we need to have a conversation, but she knows. After seeing her for a few seconds on Monday morning, the look in her eyes on Thursday was one of understanding and forbearing. Our arrangement is over, even though neither of us has said the words.
So here I am, with my phone in my hand on Friday afternoon, staring down at her text message.
Adrienne: We need to talk.
I know we do, but I’m not ready. Why? Because I’m a coward. The thought of ending it with her leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and a sour burn in my gut, but it needs to be done. Then we can both move forward. Of course, the thought of her moving on with some other guy makes me want to kick a puppy. I never would, of course, but I can’t think straight when I picture her with someone else.
Fuck, why did I have to fall in love with her?
Me: Yeah.
The little bubbles appear instantly.
Adrienne: I’m off tonight. Can you come over? Or I can meet you at your place if you’d prefer.
I consider my options and decide meeting at her townhouse is best. This way, I control my ability to leave when it’s time. I’ve learned you never invite a woman over to your place if you’re going to end things with her. Too difficult to get her to leave.
Me: Your place. I’ll come over when I get done with work.
This way, I’m not freshly showered and less likely to act on the impulses and cravings I have when she’s near. I’m hot, a little sweaty, and dirty from crawling around in an attic all afternoon. The last thing I want to do is get naked right now, unless it’s to shower.
Adrienne : Sounds good. See you in a bit.
And that’s that. The plan is set. I’ll stop by on my way home, tell her it was fun but over, and walk away. Easy-peasy.
But my gut tells me it won’t be so easy at all. Not when I want her with every ounce of my being. And that’s the problem. She makes me want things I have no business wanting. A future. Happily ever after. A life greater than the one I’ve been living.
“You okay?”
I look up, finding Jack standing near his desk, a concerned look on his face. “Yep, great,” I reply, standing up and slipping my phone into my pocket. “Heading out.”
“Me too.” We walk to the door and step outside, making sure the door is secured before we go. “Hey, we may do pizza Sunday night if you’re not doing anything.”
“No plans,” I reply automatically.
“Really?” he asks, his eyebrows shooting heavenward. “Not hanging out with Adrienne?”
“No, that’s over.”
He seems surprised by the announcement. “Why?”
I shrug, glancing over to my truck and ready to get the hell out of here. “It’s time.”
He doesn’t say anything for several seconds. “That’s too bad.”
My irritation spikes. “It’s time,” I repeat, walking toward my work truck, trying to end the conversation.
“She was good for you, Caden,” Jack says before I can get my door open. “You were a different person when you two spent time together. Your smile was genuine, and you seemed…happy. I wish you’d see that not everyone is Dawn, especially Adrienne.”
Without saying a word, I climb into my truck, close the door, and start the engine. As I’m backing out of my parking spot, I notice he’s still standing there, watching me go. I keep my eyes focused ahead and drive away, the words he spoke following me with every inch of distance I put between us.
I drive a little too quickly, but I can’t get rid of the dread riding shotgun. The quicker I get this over with, the faster I’ll be back to normal. You know, living the single life, sleeping with women who want the same things as me.
That nasty feeling in my stomach turns even more sour.
I sigh and shake my head. I’m broken. Right now, all I want to do is move forward. Falling in love wasn’t part of the plan. You’d think I’d just roll with the punches and adjust my sails, but no. My brain can’t seem to get past the fact this wasn’t what was supposed to happen, so the only logical step is to go back to before it did.
My heart will catch up.
I pull into her parking lot and stop in front of her townhouse. The July sun is hot, the humidity sticky and heavy in the air. I jump out and make my way to her door. I lift my arm to knock, but the door opens before I can. Adrienne is standing there, comfortable shorts and a loose-fitting tank top covering her gorgeous body. Her hair is piled high on her head, she’s not wearing any makeup, and her toenails are painted a deep purple.
She looks…amazing.
Casual.
Simple.
Perfect.
It’s time to cut the string.
“Hi,” she says, giving me a small, yet effective smile that goes straight to my balls.
“Hey.”
“Come on in,” she adds, stepping back to allow me entrance.
Her place looks the same. There’s a bottle of water on the table beside a bottle of pills and a sleeve of crackers. Has she been sick? Her cheeks are rosy, but that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe she’s had a fever.
“Thanks for stopping by,” she starts, holding my gaze. She looks strong, confident even, but the slight wringing of her hands together lets me know something’s bothering her.
“No problem. I was planning to get a hold of you anyway. We need to talk,” I say.
She nods. “Do you want to go first?”
I should, but I find myself shaking my head. “Go ahead. You invited me.”
“Okay, so I found something out, and I wanted to tell you about it.” She takes a deep, shaky breath before continuing. She levels me with a look of fear and intensity that practically knocks me on my ass. “I’m pregnant.”
The oxygen is sucked out of the entire room—hell, out of the entire universe—with those two little words. Only, those words aren’t little. They’re a giant fucking bomb landing squarely in my lap.
“What?”
Her throat bobs as she swallows. She lifts her head, her chin strong, as she repeats, “I’m pregnant, Caden.”
“But…how? Why? When? How?”
“I’m not exactly sure,” she starts, but I cut her off.
“You can’t be pregnant.”
Her eyebrows draw together in confusion. “Yet, I am,” she replies slowly.
“Bullshit,” I fire back, shaking my head. “We always used a condom.” Except, I realize instantly that’s not true.
“Every time…but once.”
My eyes turn hard, my nostrils flaring. “You said you were on birth control.”
Her eyes fill with moisture, and it’s almost my undoing. I want to pull her into my arms and beg her not to shed a single tear. But my brain just won’t send the right signals. It’s firmly stuck on the fact she’s pregnant, and asshole Caden seems to be in command. “I was,” she whispers. “We had sex one time without a condom. It had to have happened then.”
“All I’m getting right now are red flags, Adrienne. You were on the pill, and I pulled out.”
Her eyes flush with anger at my insinuation. “Fuck you, Caden. I didn’t ask for this to happen, but it did.”
“So you claim.”
Then she throws a figurative punch square in my stomach. “I’m not Dawn.”
And since I can’t seem to control my mouth, I fire back, “Are you sure?”
She stands up straight, her back rigid, her body radiating tension. “You need to leave.”
When I open my mouth, wanting to say something other than more garbage I’ve been spewing the last couple of minutes, she yells, “Now! Get out.”
My heart aches in my chest as I watch the tears fall from her eyes. The anger and hurt are both evident, her face etched with the devastation I’ve just caused. Yet, I can’t stop thinking about what happened all those years ago. The happiness I experienced when Dawn told me she was pregnant, only to have it ripped out from underneath me so fast I didn’t even have time to catch my fall. The bruises and scars have remained, still seen every time I look at myself in the mirror.
“I said leave, Caden,” she demands, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I take a step toward her, my hand automatically reaching out, and even though I have every intention of wiping away the tears I have caused, she flinches and pulls back. That reaction sends waves of realization through me.
“I don’t need your help, Caden. I’ll do this all on my own. You’re not trapped. Go.”
I’m in love with Tyler.
The baby’s not yours.
It’s his, and we’re gonna raise our son together.
Goodbye.
My legs somehow carry me out the door and to my truck. I’m so lost in my own head; I don’t register the slamming of the door or the sounds she makes on the other side when the tears fall. All I can hear are the words once spoken to me. The truths Dawn laid at my feet, decimating my entire life.
I drive, not really knowing where I’m headed. I’m certain it won’t be to my house, however. The last thing I want is to be left alone with my thoughts, which are pretty fucked up right now.
Instead, I drive to Jack’s place. He won’t have the kids until tomorrow, so I don’t have to worry about them seeing my freak-out. Stevie will probably be there, but it is what it is. Maybe she’ll offer some helpful advice. On second thought, she’s best friends with Adrienne, so she’s probably going to kick me in the nuts for being a total asshole.
I pull up in front of their house, noting his work truck is in the driveway. Her car is gone, but that doesn’t mean it’s not in the garage or something. I don’t know how long I sit here, slowly starting to bake in the cab of my truck, since I turned off the ignition. I contemplate just driving off, maybe grabbing a bottle of something to numb the pain and finding some remote field near the river. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and my life won’t be a complete shitshow.
Movement catches out of the corner of my eye, and I look over to find Jack standing on the porch. He waves me in, so with the same wooden legs I’ve grown since the whole mess at Adrienne’s happened, I climb from my truck cab and head his way.
He meets me at the base of the steps but doesn’t lead me to the house. Instead, we walk around to the back deck. “Have a seat,” he instructs, pointing to their little patio set in the shade.
I do as instructed, falling into the first chair I approach.
He goes into the house, returning a few seconds later with two bottles of water. “You look like you could use something stronger, but you’ll have to settle for this.”
Taking the bottle, I chug half the contents in one long pull, reveling in the cold liquid sliding down my parched throat. “Thanks.”
He nods, drinking a bit of his own water. I can feel his eyes on me the entire time. “What’s up?” he finally asks as the silence stretches between us. When I still don’t speak, he adds, “Dammit, Caden, if Adrienne quits because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants, I’m gonna be pissed.”
My ears burn with anger as I turn my glare to my oldest friend. “What the fuck?”
“You breaking things off with Adrienne. I can tell you’re upset, so why do it if you’re going to be miserable?”
My eyes narrow. “I didn’t get a chance to break it off, asshole. She told me she’s pregnant.”
It takes a moment for my words to register. When they do, he smiles widely and reaches over, slapping me on the shoulder. “Really? That’s great! Congratulations, man.” Suddenly, it’s as if realization hits him. His smile falls from his face, and he says, “Oh, shit.”
“How do I know the baby’s mine?” I demand, jumping up and pacing back and forth across his deck.
“Who else’s would it be? You two weren’t sleeping with other people, were you?”
“No!” I holler, that one word slowly seeping into my stupid brain. “I mean, I wasn’t. I don’t think she was. She said she wasn’t, but…” I drop back down onto the chair and run my hands through my hair. “What if she’s lying? What if it’s not my baby?” My words are barely audible.
“She’s not Dawn, man.”
I close my eyes, her tear-soaked face filling my mind. “I know that, really, but I can’t help it. I’ve heard this before.”
“You heard this before from a liar who lied to your face for how many months? Six? I’ve known Adrienne for about the same amount of time, and I have to tell you, man, she’s nothing like your ex.”
“I know that.”
“Do you?” he asks. “Look, Caden, I don’t have all the answers. All I can do is give you my perspective from the outside looking in.”
I nod, waiting, desperately wanting to hear what he has to say, because good or bad, I need to hear it.
“You love her and it’s freaking you out. You told yourself you’d never love again and have done everything in your power to keep everyone at arm’s length. Somehow, Adrienne got past your defenses and now you’re scared.”
“I’m terrified.” The confession drips from my lips bitterly.
“Of what?” he asks.
“Of losing someone else I love.”
He nods. “I get that, really. I wasn’t sure I’d ever give marriage another try, but here I am, ready to ask Stevie to spend the rest of her life with me. And you know what? I’m still scared. I’m afraid I’ll mess it up and lose her, but I just can’t picture my life without her. And I don’t want to. Ever. But even though I might lose her at any point, I’d rather spend as much time as I can with her, loving her. That’s greater than my fear.”
I hear his words, letting them permeate my thick skull. It’s not easy, because it’s so convenient to push her away, to ignore my feelings, to hide. But that’s not what either of us deserves.
She deserves love.
She deserves everything.
And as much as I hate to admit it, Jack is right. My greatest fear isn’t loving and losing. It’s losing her, because as much as I tried to fight it, she got in. She showed me friendship, happiness, and love. She showed me more in the last month of being together than I was given in all the time I was with Dawn. I just didn’t see it.
And I’m done fighting it now.
“I fucked up,” I whisper, my throat thick.
“Everything is fixable.”
I sigh and shake my head. “I’m not sure this is.”
He reaches over and places his hand on my own. “Have faith, Caden. She needs the words and the actions.”
I nod, understanding what he’s telling me. I can’t just tell her how I feel and expect everything to be okay. I need to show her what she means to me.
What the baby means to me.
“I’m gonna be a dad.”
He smiles widely. “You’re gonna be a great one. You’ve been the best pseudo-uncle to both Gianna and Christian. Not to mention Joshua.”
“I have no idea what I’m doing,” I say, leaning back and relaxing in the chair.
“And you think I did? I was twenty-one when Gi was born and scared to death. Even now, at thirty-one, I still don’t have it all together. Parents make mistakes and it’s the hardest job in the world, but you know what? It’s the most rewarding too. Wait until the first time your little boy or girl curls up on your chest and falls asleep. Or the first time you hear them say Dada.” He shakes his head, a small grin on his lips. “Best feeling ever.”
“I hope you and Stevie consider having a kid or two.”
He shrugs. “We’ve talked about it, but we’re in no rush.”
“Don’t wait too long. Your swimmers aren’t what they used to be,” I tease.
“My swimmers are just fucking fine, thank you. Olympic gold medalists.”
I bark out a laugh and stand up, stretching. “Thanks for the talk.”
“Any time. I’m always here to give you the kick in the ass you need.”
I nod. “Appreciate it.”
“Where ya off to?” he asks, the hope evident in his question.
“I need to do a little thinking.”
“Probably wise. Take your time but, Caden? Don’t take too long, you know? Time is of the essence. Groveling needs to happen sooner, rather than later, or you may be too late.”
“Understood.”
I throw him a wave and retreat off the deck, heading for my truck. I’m not ready to return to Adrienne’s yet. I still need to come to terms with my past and how it affects my future. Plus, there’s a baby I need to consider.
My baby.
With no destination in mind, I head out of town, determined to figure this out.
Determined to find peace.