CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Zane shifted in his seat, trying to keep his attention on the conversation Jay and Will were having about the upcoming basketball season at the high school. Though their youngest brother, Cole, hadn’t been in high school for several years, and, in fact, was now playing professionally, Jay continued to coach the high school team.
His son, Peyton, was getting ready to start high school and, from the sound of things, he was going to be trying out for the basketball team. Zane had no idea if he’d still be around to go to any of the games, but he suspected he might be.
He looked toward where Kelsey was sitting, wondering again what she wanted to talk about. Was she going to tell him that she wanted to end their marriage and leave Serenity?
The idea left him a little unsettled. But would it leave him so unsettled that he’d ask her not to go? He didn’t know.
He just wanted to have the conversation, so he knew what was going on. There was already too much uncertainty in his life.
It seemed to take forever for everyone to eat and leave. As much as he loved his siblings, he was relieved to see them go. Kelsey helped Rori clean up the kitchen, making Zane feel like as eager as he was to have the conversation, she was the opposite.
“Why don’t you go on?” Rori said. “We’re pretty much done here.”
“Are you sure?” Kelsey asked as she hung up the dish towel she’d been using.
“Positive.” Rori came and gave her a hug. “We’ll be praying for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Want to chat upstairs?” Zane asked. He didn’t want to be interrupted, even though there was no one but Rori and Lee in the house. Still, his family could be unpredictable, and it was possible someone would pop back in for one reason or another.
“Sure.”
Together, they made their way up the stairs to the sitting area on the landing. There was overstuffed furniture in front of the fireplace, which hadn’t been used while he’d been there.
And they wouldn’t be using it right then, either. Cooler days were ahead, but it wasn’t fireplace and sweater weather just yet.
Zane sat down on the couch while Kelsey chose one of the armchairs. She didn’t relax back into it, however. She sat with a ramrod straight spine, her hands tightly clasped in her lap.
As he waited for her to speak, he saw her twist her wedding ring. Was she going to ask him for a divorce?
When she looked up, he could see turmoil on her face. “I think you should contact Sarah.”
Of all the things she could have said, that hadn’t even crossed his mind. In fact, her words rendered him momentarily speechless. He just sat and stared at her, dumbfounded and uncertain of how to respond.
“I don’t think we can move forward without you having some type of closure with her,” Kelsey said when he remained silent.
“Closure?” His first reaction was that he didn’t want closure, but that wasn’t a good response. It wasn’t the right one, given that he was married to Kelsey.
“Or not,” she said, her voice soft. “If things have changed for her, maybe you’d rather try to work things out.” She sighed. “I just need to know.”
Clearly, the unknown was weighing on her, too. “I don’t know what to say…”
“I’ve given it some thought, and if your memory never returns, we don’t have a hope if you can’t or don’t want to move on from Sarah… with me.” Her gaze dropped to her hands, and she fiddled with her wedding ring. “Of course I don’t know for sure that contact with her will help, but it feels like it can’t hurt the situation. It’ll hurt me if you decide to go back to her, but at least I’ll know and can move forward in my life without you.”
Zane frowned. For some reason, that didn’t sit well with him.
The wary expression on Kelsey’s face, her shoulders hunching forward, the way she twisted the rings on her finger—the rings he’d given her—all of it showed how difficult this suggestion was for her.
Could he do it? Was contacting Sarah the right decision? Ever since Kayleigh had suggested it, the thought had lingered more strongly in his mind. And now, here was Kelsey suggesting it.
There was definitely a part of him that longed to see Sarah again. But if she’d moved on with her life, did he want to have her reject him again?
“I think this is the only thing we can do now,” Kelsey said. “Whether or not I like it, I don’t think you’ll be able to move forward without having a conversation with her.”
The unfortunate circumstances they’d found themselves in were rare enough that there was no road map or guideline for how to move forward. No matter which direction they took, it seemed pain was inevitable for one or the other of them. Maybe even both.
Zane sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees. This felt like a monumental decision that he wasn’t sure he was capable of making. And he was strangely reluctant to do anything to hurt Kelsey. At least more than he already had.
But this might be what was needed to move them forward.
Part of him understood that he shouldn’t need to see Sarah to gain closure. He should be strong enough to accept—even without remembering—that they had broken up, and he, and presumably Sarah, had moved on.
But a larger part of him needed to understand what had happened. What had driven them apart when they’d talked about getting married one day? What had changed his commitment to his faith? What had seemed to switch in his outlook for his career?
“Please do it,” Kelsey urged, her gaze holding his steadily. “I feel like there’s no hope otherwise. Especially if you don’t regain your memory.”
For the most part, Zane tried not to dwell on the fact that his memory was still missing. But it was aggravating, especially considering he knew not all brain injuries resulted in memory loss. Why had his?
“I’m sorry,” Zane said. “I’m sorry that I’m not the man you married. That I’m not the man you knew.”
Kelsey grimaced, then sighed. “Honestly, I’m not sure I knew you all that well.”
“What do you mean?”
After a brief hesitation, she said, “Even though we had a few conversations about previous relationships, you never told me about Sarah.”
That surprised Zane. “Really? I never said anything about her?”
Kelsey shook her head. “The first time I heard her name was in your hospital room when you asked where she was.”
Zane wished he could tell Kelsey why he’d kept that to himself, but he didn’t know. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you.”
“I was thinking I should just leave,” Kelsey said. “And let you get on with your life.”
“No,” he said quickly, surprising himself with his protest. “That’s not fair to you.”
Kelsey slumped back in her seat, like the fight had just gone out of her. “None of this is fair to either of us.”
Zane couldn’t argue with her there. “I’m still sorry for how this has impacted you.”
“I miss you…” The words were spoken softly, and she didn’t look at him as she said them.
He had no idea how to respond to that. Saying that he missed her too would be a lie, and they’d both know it. Still, he was tempted to say the words, just to ease her pain.
The silence between them was heavy, weighed down by the memories and experiences they no longer shared.
“If you’re sure about me contacting Sarah, I’ll do it.”
Kelsey looked up at him, her beautiful eyes sad. “I’m sure.”
He wasn’t totally convinced he bought that, but he wasn’t going to argue with her. He wanted answers only Sarah could give him.
Pushing up from her seat, Kelsey got to her feet. “I’m going to my room.”
Zane maneuvered himself up off the couch and braced himself on the crutches. “Thank you for the talk.”
Kelsey nodded, but didn’t smile or say anything more before she turned and headed for the door to her room. Even after she’d disappeared inside her room, Zane stayed where he was, staring at her closed door.
He needed to talk this over with someone. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he sent a text off to Lee.
Do you have a few minutes to talk?
His reply came back without delay.
Lee: Sure thing. Are you upstairs?
Yes.
Lee: brt
As he waited for his brother, Zane stared blankly at the empty fireplace, thoughts tumbling through his mind.
When Lee joined Zane on the landing, he sat down in the chair that Kelsey had vacated.
“So what are you going to do?” Lee asked as he relaxed back, stretching his legs out in front of him.
“Did Rori tell you what Kelsey wanted?”
“She did.”
“What do you think?”
Lee didn’t say anything right away, which told Zane he probably wasn’t going to like what he had to say.
Finally, Lee took a deep breath and said, “I think it’s too bad that Kelsey has gotten to the point where she feels that this is the best option.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you think that any woman wants the man she loves—and is married to—to make contact with a woman he once loved, still loves, in your case, and was planning a future with? She knows there’s a high risk that this is going to hurt her. And still, she’s doing it.”
“I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet.”
“Don’t lie to yourself,” Lee said. “Even if you’re going to lie to me.”
Zane glared at Lee. “I’m not lying.”
“You are. You called me up here hoping I would validate your decision to contact Sarah.”
Sometimes Zane hated how well his siblings knew him. Especially Lee. Though his brother was always fairly level-headed, he could also be blunt with his observations.
“So what would you say I should do?”
“Let Sarah go. Accept that she ended things between you for a reason that was valid to her, and move on. You have a wife who needs you.”
“I don’t remember her at all.”
“Then date her and ask God to give you love for her.”
Kayleigh had said something similar, leaving Zane to wonder if his siblings had been having conversations about his situation. He mentally scoffed. Of course they were. Was the pastor in on it too? Because his sermon lined up with what Lee was saying.
“I think if I’m able to talk to Sarah, it will make doing that easier.”
“Like I said. You’ve already made up your mind.” Lee regarded him for a long moment. “I’ll be praying that you’re not headed down a road that will leave you with nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“If you don’t get the closure you want from Sarah and can’t move forward, you’re going to lose Kelsey. Or if you discover Sarah is single and decide you want to try with her again, you’ll also lose Kelsey.”
“But I’ll gain Sarah.”
“Without God’s blessing.”
Zane winced at that. But had it even been God’s will for him to be with Kelsey? After all, Kelsey wasn’t a Christian, and it seemed he hadn’t been living a Christian life either.
“I know the family wasn’t too keen on how things unfolded with Kelsey and you, and how quickly you got married,” Lee said. “But I think most of us have come to realize that she’s really a sweet woman. Rori adores her, and so does Carisa.”
Zane had seen that too, but it was a more abstract observation for him. Which he knew wasn’t a good thing.
The hardest part was that while his family had been his anchor for a long time, Sarah had also been an anchor for him. She’d been a huge part of his life. His anchor. His cheerleader. His companion. The love of his life.
“Are you willing to consider another option?” Lee’s question interrupted his thoughts.
“Maybe? Depends on the option.”
“Let me contact Sarah and have a conversation with her. See where she’s at and tell her what’s happened.”
“Why would that be better?”
“I think it would be better for her and you,” Lee said. “It would give me a chance to gauge how best to approach the situation for you and Kelsey.”
Zane’s first reaction to that was to say no. He wanted to be the one to speak to Sarah, but he knew that Lee’s suggestion was probably better for everyone. And since he was being selfish enough as it was, wanting to contact Sarah, he should probably be considerate where he could be.
“She was a friend of mine too,” Lee reminded him. “So me contacting her wouldn’t be like a stranger was calling her up out of the blue.”
Perhaps it was the best compromise. However, it would require him to trust Lee to actually want to help him gain some sort of closure, and it was clear that he wasn’t keen for Zane to reconnect with Sarah.
“Will you be honest with me about what she says?”
“Of course,” Lee said. “I’ll be honest with her and with you.”
“Okay. Then I guess I’ll let you do it,” Zane said. “But don’t put it off.”
“I won’t.”
Zane wanted to believe him. But knowing how his brother really felt about the situation, he wasn’t sure they’d agree on the best way for Lee to handle contacting Sarah. But it was out of his hands now.
“Have you tracked down any information on her yet?” Lee asked.
“I don’t have any contact info for her on my phone, and I couldn’t find her social media, so maybe she’s blocked me.” Which was probably for the best. He hadn’t wanted to see pictures that would indicate she’d moved on with her life.
“Okay. I’ll see what I can find.”
“You’ll let me know right away?”
Lee gave him a long look, then nodded. Slapping his hands on his thighs, he pushed up to stand. “I’ll talk to you later.”
Alone again, Zane stayed on the couch, mulling over everything. Imagining all the different ways the situation with Sarah could unfold. The jumble of thoughts made his head ache, so he got up and crutched his way to his room.
Though he wanted to go to wherever Lee was, Zane instead went to his bed and laid down. He covered his eyes with his arm, trying to calm his thoughts.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
The verse flitted through his thoughts. He’d memorized it as a child, and he’d heard many sermons about the verse, where pastors had used it as a reminder that God’s ways were not always easily understood. But even when he didn’t understand, he should still trust that God had a plan and would work things out for His honor and glory.
Zane realized in that moment that it wouldn’t bring honor or glory to God if he chose to abandon Kelsey, especially if he did so to reunite with Sarah. He’d known that—in his heart, he’d known it—but feeling so disconnected from the present had made him desperate for something that was familiar.
Zane knew he should tell Lee not to bother contacting Sarah, but he didn’t move. His head pounded, and all he wanted in that moment was to fall asleep and wake up with his memories intact. That would make everything so much easier.
He could get his job back, or at least, another job of equal importance, since he’d regain all the knowledge and experience he’d forgotten from the past few years.
But more importantly, he’d once again be past all the feelings he had for Sarah. He’d remember Kelsey and all the reasons he’d had for marrying her so quickly.
They could pick up the pieces of their lives and move forward.
If only his memory would just return.
He must have dozed off at some point because a knock on the door jerked him awake. “Come in.”
The door opened, and Lee stepped into the room. “Sorry. Did I wake you?”
“Yeah, but it’s okay.” Zane pushed himself up to sit propped against the headboard. He leaned down to scratch along the top of his cast, wishing he could reach inside and scratch where it really itched.
Lee came in and spun the chair from the desk around and sat down on it. “I’ve been in contact with Sarah.”
Zane frowned. “Already? How long was I asleep?”
“About an hour or so.”
“And you found her that quickly?”
“It wasn’t overly hard,” Lee said. “We still had some mutual friends on social media, and they were able to give me contact information for her. I was able to get hold of her, and we had a brief chat.”
Zane’s stomach twisted with nerves. “And?”
“She’s willing to talk with you,” Lee said. “Actually, she’s willing to come here to Serenity.”
“Really?” Zane felt a rush of excitement, though he tried to tamp it down.
“Yes. But she’s not coming alone. She’s married.”
And just like that, hope died. Stabbed through the heart. “Married?”
“Yes. And her husband will be coming with her. If you’re okay with that.”
Zane didn’t want to meet the man who had captured Sarah’s heart and gotten her to marry him when Zane hadn’t managed to do it. But even if the guy didn’t come, he wouldn’t cease to exist. If his goal was to get closure with Sarah, Zane knew he needed to meet the man.
“I’m okay with that.”
Lee gave a nod, as if he approved of that response. “They said if you want them to come, they’d be able to come on the weekend.”
That was so close, and yet so far away. “Where are they coming from?”
“Seattle.”
“Wow. They’re not that far away.”
“Nope.”
“Did she say anything else?”
“Not really. Just that she was sorry to hear what had happened to you, and she was happy to come speak with you.”
“Thanks for doing that.”
“I was happy to,” Lee said. “I just hope that it helps you move forward.”
Zane hoped that it did, too. If his memory wasn’t going to return, talking with Sarah felt like the only way to get past where he was currently stuck in his life.
He just hoped that it worked out that way.