30. Verge
Verge
ONE MONTH LATER
It’s been a month since Cross passed. I knew the moment his eyes went vacant he was gone.
I’ve seen that look. The look of your soul leaving your body.
I saw it when my mom breathed her last breath, and I saw it in his eyes after he uttered his last words, don’t let her leave you.
Shiloh has been beside herself since that very day.
The funeral was brutal. Tuff and Lucy could barely stand, and Liz was the same.
Shiloh sat at his grave for hours in the rain.
Even when I sat down beside her, she pushed me away.
I know she’s mad, and I feel like I deserve all the grief coming to me.
I knew something was off that night. The words Pierce spoke right before my ride had me on edge, and that’s why I got stuck.
That’s why I was in my head, and that is why she left early, leaving Cross worrying about her, which left him forgetting that he wasn’t supposed to let Tyler out of his sight.
My smoking has gotten ten times worse. I swear I go through about a pack a fucking day now. She hasn’t spoken two words to me in a month, and it feels like someone is slowly carving my heart right out of my chest.
Pierce is out on bail awaiting trial from what I’ve heard around town.
The girls gave their statement the night Cross was killed, and he was taken into custody, but it wasn’t long before his father posted bail for him.
Who knows how that is going to go? I hear his dad is a good defense attorney, but he can’t be that good, can he?
I mean, two eyewitnesses? With a motive?
Only time will tell, I suppose, but he better hope prison gets to him before one of us does. That is all I can say.
Love has grown into my companion at the moment, never leaving my side.
The dog goes everywhere with me, and I like having her around.
She reminds me of him. Even though I didn’t know him long, he left his mark, that’s for sure, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him too.
He always knew how to make someone laugh, and her being around feels as if he’s still near.
Tyler still lives in her trailer beside the barn.
Cash refuses to let her leave and go off alone.
He said he made a promise to Cross, and he intends on keeping it.
Shiloh has been cold and unmoving. I still live in the loft, but she doesn’t sleep beside me anymore.
I feel as if I can’t reach her no matter what I do, and it’s killing me.
I told Cross I wouldn’t let her go or leave me, but she is pulling away all the same.
She hasn’t ridden her horse since that day, so I’ve been keeping Riot and Havoc both in shape as best I can with Cash and Tyler.
Tuff insisted we keep Havoc here as Lucy can’t bear to see her right now, and I understand.
With all the loss I've endured, I can’t imagine losing your one and only child.
Beau comes over to ride too, but we have taken the month off for rodeos.
I am first in bull riding, and taking a month off isn’t going to hurt me.
Especially with us only having about 3 weeks until the NFR.
If we all take any longer off, though, especially Shiloh, considering her and Cross were in first in the team roping, she will lose her chance at the NFR.
I don’t know how to approach this with her.
I know Cross wouldn’t want that for her.
I knew him long enough to know he would want her to finish what they started, and if that means I need to heel for her, I sure as shit will.
Fuck my standings, life isn’t worth living without her, and this month of her being distant and not even fucking there mentally has proven that to me.
It’s evening time now, and I thought I’d go for a ride while the sun sets. I’m in the barn saddling Havoc when Cash walks in, and he nods, looking at me as he pulls Tommy out of his stall. He looks over his shoulder as he puts Tommy in the cross ties and says, “Let’s me and you take a ride.”
I nod and ask, “Where is she?”
“In her room, I think,” he replies with a shake of his head, and his haunted eyes from before look even more haunted now, but he wipes under his nose, clearing his throat before he heads to the tack room to grab his saddle.
She hasn’t left her room since the funeral unless she’s visiting his gravesite. I’ve been in a few times, and she will let me hold her, but she doesn’t utter a word even when I beg her to talk to me.
As we finish saddling and walking out, Tyler walks out of her trailer, looking Havoc up and down.
Her eyes mist over, but she puts her hands in her back pockets, looking at me and then Cash before she lifts her lips a little, attempting to smile, and walks into the barn.
Love runs to her side, and she bends down to pet her head, then looks back up at us.
“You okay?” Cash asks, looking back at her, and she nods.
“Yeah, thanks for asking, I'm just gonna ride Venom,” she replies softly.
“You let me know if you need anything,” Cash tells her.
“I will.” She nods, walking off.
Cash looks over to me and points to the pasture beyond the arena, saying, “Come with me.”
I nod, mounting up, and look at Love. “Come on, Love,” I tell her, and she follows as we walk toward the gate.
We walk the horses in a comfortable silence until we make our way to a big hill in the pasture, and Cash stops his horse, and I now realize we are at a grave.
There is a makeshift cross that reads, Boone.
Love lies beside us as we stop the horses.
I look at him, confused, thinking surely they had money for a tombstone, but I don’t ask.
He leans forward on his saddle horn, wiping his eyes, then looks over at me, his eyes filling with tears.
He wipes under his nose, gathering himself before he says, “We spread dads ashes out here because we knew he wouldn’t wanna be in some random graveyard with some fancy tombstone.
He was a simple man, a humble man, and I think mom knew that he wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else but near us. ”
I nod, confused as to why he’s telling me this, but I stay silent, waiting for him to continue. He sighs, looking over at me before he says, “Shiloh is scared you will end up here too, Verge. She loves you, but she’s not going to be able to shoulder the weight of the 8.”
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat, unable to voice any words.
Are the 8 seconds really worth it? Are they worth losing her?
If I can just finish out this season, I’ll give it up, but I feel a weight on my shoulders to finish what I started, not only for me but for my mother. Will Shi understand that, though?
“I know you love her too, Verge. I see it all over your face every time you look at her.” He smiles, looking as if he’s lost in a memory before he pinches the bridge of his nose, and he looks up to me, letting one tear fall before he says, “Take it from someone who’s lost the love of their life without warning, nothing is worth losing that.
I’m saying this because I love my sister, and I’m not trying to make her past traumas yours, but I will not watch her go through the pain I endured when I lost Stella, do you understand? ”
“I do,” I reply. I get it. The only question now is, how do I let go of something that has been a part of me for so long.
I’m lost in my thoughts, trying to keep my emotions in check, when he speaks again, “Cross was her person. The one she went to for everything. We’ve always been close, but not like they were. It’s not gonna be easy to help her navigate life without him. She can’t quit. He wouldn’t want that.”
“I agree,” I say.
“I’m not telling you to not finish what you started.
We have a month, give or take, till the NFR, and I know you are in first, but if you want to continue bull riding after, I’m going to ask you to leave her out of it and let her move on.
I’ll hold her like he did for the last of it, but you need to decide what you can’t live without. Bull riding. Or her.”
“I understand, Cash,” I respond, looking back at the grave.
He nods, sitting up, and says, “I got some things to take care of today, but I needed to have this talk with you. She didn’t ask me to.
I can't get two words out of her since,” he pauses, looking back down to the grave before he says, “You’re a good man, Verge, I know you will do what you think is best.”
I nod, and he turns his horse around, walking off.
I sit there with Love laying beside Havoc, still waiting on me, and look down at the grave.
For so long, I couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died.
I had nothing left. I reckon that’s why I didn’t see bull riding as such a threat, and I was never nervous.
I’ve gotten my hand stuck before and never panicked like I did that night.
The thought of causing her any sort of pain because of my own selfish wants or needs makes me feel as if there is no air to breathe.
I knew when I finally made it off and she had left, I involuntarily hurt her.
I should have never expected her to watch me ride that bull.
The look on her face when I drew Dirty Bird should have been enough for me to say fuck it and pull out.
Cash is right. I need to finish what I started and be done. She’s worth it.
If that means I need to hang up bull riding and heel for her, so fucking be it.
I’ll do whatever it takes to get her back.
I know it won't be easy to get her out of this slump, but I need to convince her life is worth living again and that Cross wouldn’t want her to quit living.
I lean forward on my saddle, taking in the cotton candy sunset, and take a steadying breath.
If I had one wish right now, it would be to ask my mother’s advice.
I slump over the saddle horn, letting my forearms rest on it and petting Havoc's neck. I look out to the setting sun, “Hey, mamma. I miss you. I could really use your help right about now.” My eyes gloss over, and one tear falls down my cheek. I wipe it away, looking back up as the sun starts to dip down on the horizon, and say, “I don’t wanna disappoint you, but I can’t lose her.
I think if you were here, you would tell me to run after her.
Before her, I was about to end it all together because I felt like I had nothing to live for anyways, but with her, I don’t feel that way anymore. ”
I wipe under my nose as another tear trails down my face, and I look up again, and the sun is about a second away from going below the horizon when I say, “Anyways. I love you, mamma, and I miss you.”
I gather the reins in my hands, about to turn Havoc around, when I see Boone’s grave again. I tip my hat in respect before I turn around to ride back before it gets dark to see if maybe, just maybe, I can get her to talk today.
“Come on, Love, lets go.”
Walking Havoc back into the barn, I unsaddle and see Tyler doing the same with Venom. She slightly smiles at me, but I can still see the hurt in her eyes as well. I know she and Cross weren’t together long, but I do know they both fell just as quickly for each other, much like Shi and I did.
“How are you today?” I ask, putting Havoc in her stall.
“Day by day,” she replies with a slight twitch of her lips before she looks over my shoulder to Havoc, who is poking her head out of the stall, nipping my shoulder. She blinks away the tears forming in her eyes before she continues, “I miss him.”
Love walks over to her leg, rubbing her with her head, and she crouches down to pet her again.
“I know,” I reply, walking toward her and petting Venom. She stands from petting Love with her brush in her hand and starts to brush his back.
She looks back over to me before she says, “She went to his gravesite again if you’re about to go look for her.”
I nod, clenching my jaw as my mind races; she snaps me out of my thoughts before she says, “She blames herself, you know,” before I can open my mouth she says, “I blame myself.”
“It was no one’s fault,” I snap. Fuck if if was anyone’s fault, it was fucking mine.
“If I had just not forgotten to stay with someone that night, this all could have been avoided. I just wanted to give them a moment, and it had been such a good weekend…” Her eyes mist over, and she covers her mouth.
I walk over to her, hugging her, rubbing her head, and say, “Tyler, if it’s anyones fucking fault, it’s mine. I should have never put her in that position to begin with. If he wasn’t so fucking worried about her, he would have never let you walk off in the first place, okay? Don’t blame yourself.”
She hugs me back, and I hold her till she gathers herself, pulling back, wiping her eyes, and she nods and says, “Verge, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I reckon we all need to quit blaming ourselves, the only one to blame is Pierce,” I reply.
She sighs, unclipping Venom, and says, “I know that’s the fucking truth.”
She sniffs as she walks past me, and I ask one more time for good measure, “You sure you’re okay?”
“As hard as it is, Verge, I’m no stranger to heartache. I don’t think this will heal anytime soon, but I’m a survivor. I’ll make it out the other side eventually.”
I nod, and she goes to walk off before she asks, “You seen Cash?”
“He said he had some things to take care of today, but I’m not sure where he went,” I tell her, and she nods.
“Goodnight, Verge.”
“Night, Tyler, you let me or Cash know if you need anything okay?” I say.
“I will,” she replies and walks Venom to his stall, then heads out to her trailer.
Taking a breath, I pat my leg, indicating for Love to follow me.
I walk toward my truck, letting Love hop in first, then sit in the driver's seat, tuning it over, and as I do, the radio springs to life and I’m a song flows through my speakers.
Our song. I look to the horizon, and even though the sun is set, blue hour is still lingering, and I can see the pink lingering over the land, and I smile.
“Thanks, mamma.”
It may not be easy to get her back, but the little coincidences like this give me hope that even though I can’t talk to my mom, she’s here and she was listening, telling me to follow my heart, and my heart is leading me to Shi. I put my truck in drive and head out to find her.