Chapter 31 Shiloh
Shiloh
The sun is nearly gone now, and I’ve been sitting here for two hours, staring up at the sky.
It’s not quite dark yet, but it’s getting there.
I’m laying beside my best friend's grave, and even though I’ve come out here every day, it still doesn’t seem real.
Maybe that’s because I don’t want it to be.
It’s cold, but I don't care. I welcome the chill, even if my toes are burning and my hands. The tip of my nose is like ice, and I shiver because it’s the only thing I’m capable of feeling right now.
I feel numb. Why is life so cruel? I haven’t rode my horses or really spoken to anyone since that night.
I blame myself. If I hadn’t been so caught up in my damn feelings, Cross would still be alive.
I know I still love Verge, but I’m so mad at him.
He comes to my room daily, and I’ve let him hold me a few times, but I haven’t spoken because I don’t know what to say.
As much as I want to support him, that night proved to me that I can’t handle it, and I am also mad at myself for that. I feel weak.
“I could definitely use some of your humor right now, buddy,” I say, laying on my back with my head beside Cross’ grave.
His parents had him buried in their family graveyard about five minutes away from our house and five minutes from theirs.
I sigh, letting a tear fall before I say, “I don’t know what to do.
You were always the one I ran to if I needed advice. Who do I run to now?”
“Me.”
I sit up and see Cash standing in front of me. Tears spill from my eyes as I stand up and run to him, and he wraps his arms around me and says, “You can’t live like this, Shiloh, he wouldn't want it for you.”
I pull back, wiping my eyes before I say, “I don’t know how to live life without him. I’m so mad at Verge, but at the same time I don’t feel like I can live without him either. Cash, I’m so lost.”
He hugs me, and I cry into his chest, and he rubs my back until I can gather myself enough to look back at him. He brings his hand to my face, wiping my tears, and his eyes mist over too before he says, “You need to talk to Verge.”
I step back, and when I do, I look over his shoulder to see Verge himself parking his truck, then look back at Cash. “Did you plan this?”
He looks behind him and then back to me before he says, “No, I just knew you would be here, and it’s getting cold out.
But you do need to talk to him. You’re sitting here asking someone for advice.
This is the advice you need. Don’t throw away someone who makes you feel alive, Shiloh.
He will do right by you. I know he will, but you have to be willing to hear him out.
” I look at Cash, and in my mind the man I’m looking at is my brother, but the words coming out of his mouth feel like they are from Cross himself.
I shake my head, knowing in my heart he’s right whether I want to admit it or not. I hug him, and he looks behind him again as Verge exits his truck.
“I love you, little sister,” Cash says.
“I love you, big brother,” I reply. Ever since we were kids after Dad passed, we have always said this to each other.
Our promise to always be there for the other.
When Stella died, he tried so hard to hold it together for everyone around him.
One night, I found him in Merel’s stall completely and utterly wrecked.
I opened it up and sat with him on the floor until the sun came up, and that was the last time I have ever seen my brother truly crumble before my eyes.
The look in his eyes the night Cross passed was similar, and he let tears fall, but it was nothing like after Stella.
I can see in his eyes now the worry he harbors for me, so I will, for his benefit more so than mine, hear Verge out.
Verge then gets out of his truck, and I see Love’s head inside as she hangs her head out of the window.
He hugs me once more before he walks off. He pats Verge’s shoulder before he leaves and gets in his truck to head out.
“Where is your truck?” Verge asks.
“I walked,” I tell him because it’s the truth. Five-minute drive, forty-minute-or-so walk, who gives a fuck at this point is how I feel about it.
“Shi, it’s freezing out, and it’s not safe to walk that far in the dark,” he says, taking a step closer to me, but I back up, and his eyes fill with disappointment.
He has on his boots and a hoodie with his black felt cowboy hat on; he must have been riding.
I’m not oblivious. I know he’s been keeping the horses in shape.
For what reason, I don’t know. I don’t have anyone to fucking swing a rope with anymore anyways.
I shake my head, looking away, not able to come up with a rebuttal for that considering I’m aware it’s not safe, but my give-a-fuck bone is broken, and I truly don’t care.
“Shi, look at me, baby,” he begs.
My eyes flutter closed, and a tear falls as I sniff. I then drag my eyes open to look at him. He looks just as broken as I feel. He strides toward me, putting his arms around me, and I allow it.
“I’m so mad at you,” I cry.
“I know. I’m sorry. I should have pulled out the second I drew Dirty Bird.
I’m sorry. You can yell, you can scream at me.
Hit me if you want. I can take it.” He pulls back, taking my face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe my tears.
His calloused hands on my face make me feel a sense of warmth in this cold at the familiarity of them.
I lean into his touch, needing his warmth, surrendering to his loving embrace.
Just like in the very beginning, I can’t help my draw to him no matter how hard I try.
As I get lost in his touch, he brings my eyes to his before he says, “What I can’t take is not having you. ”
I shake my head, unable to voice the words. I know I want him, but I also know my heart can’t take the uncertainty of watching him bull ride anymore.
“I can’t do it, Verge. You don’t understand,” I say, and he backs up, and I immediately miss his touch. His eyes gloss over, and my heart cracks at the sight of it.
“You think I don’t understand loss, Shi? How could I possibly understand how you’re feeling right now? Let me give you a little glimpse into my past, baby,” he says as he chuckles, shaking his head, but I can tell it’s anything but humor.
He looks at me with his eyes pained and haunted before he says, “My dad left when I was two, my mom was all I had, and she got sick.” He chokes but presses on, swallowing hard, clenching his jaw before he looks back at me and continues, “Three years, Shi, I watched my mom die in front of me. For three years she held on for me, and I knew that. She was tired, but she didn’t want to leave me.
When she died, I had nothing left but my dog, and fuck if he didn’t get run over the day the bank took the only place I had ever called home away from me too. ”
I step forward, my heart bleeding for him as tears stream down my face, and he steps forward, meeting me in the middle.
He looks away as another tear falls from his eyes, cascading down his face, and then back to me before he says, “I almost ended it that night. I had nothing to live for, just my truck, my clothes, and bull riding. I sat at my mom’s grave with whiskey in one hand and my revolver in the other. ”
I choke, unable to even fathom the thought of him killing himself.
“Verge,” I sob.
He puts his hand on the nape of my neck, letting his tears fall freely before he says, “You want to know why I was so good? Because I didn’t fucking care if I lived or died, Shi, but when I met you…
” He pauses. “When I met you, it gave me a life worth living again, and that’s why I got stuck that night.
Bull riding is a hell of a lot easier when you have no one or nothing to fucking live for, but I do now.
I want to live for you, baby. I’m done after this season. I won't risk losing you.”
I pull him to me, kissing him, and his salty tears hit my lips, and he kisses me back, pulling me closer. He pulls back and says, “Stay with me tonight, please. Let’s figure this out together.”
I nod, taking his hand, but then looking back to the grave behind me in the dark of the night. As I’m staring down at the grave, I hear him say, “I made him a promise, and I intend to keep it.”
It’s then I remember the words Cross said to him that night: Don't let her leave you.
He wraps his arm around me, kissing my head as he leads me back to his truck, and we head back home.
Once we are back in the driveway, we get out of the truck with Love at our side, walking along with us.
I haven’t seen much of her considering I’ve been in my room, but when I have seen her, she’s always been by his side.
She honestly warms my heart, and I feel like Cross is near when she is, so I’m glad he insisted Verge come get her.
Verge lights a cigarette. I was hoping, before Cross, he would quit, but the butts in the trash tells me he has been smoking a hell of a lot more since all of this happened.
I can’t say I’m surprised, though, knowing this vice of his started when he was stressed.
He is standing at the entrance, and I see Riot poke his head out of his stall, looking at me, and I walk over, rubbing his soft nose.
“Hey, buddy,” I whisper. I then look over across the way and see Havoc looking at me, and my heart hurts.
“He wouldn’t want you to quit, you know,” Verge says, stomping out his smoke and throwing it in the trash as he walks over to Havoc, petting her and looking back at me.
“Well, I have no one to rope with now,” I sigh.
“If you’ll have me, I think Havoc here wants to finish what she started too,” Verge replies, smiling at me.
“What?” I ask.
“You heard me,” he counters, walking toward me, putting his hand on my neck.