22. Praise
Chapter Twenty-Two
PRAISE
After having a long ass morning with Mattea, I finally was able to catch up on all my business.
I had a rough ass night and regretted every moment of it.
I lost control. As much as I wanted to blame all of it on Beast, I couldn’t.
How he felt was how I was starting to feel, and the shit was starting to become a huge burden on me.
I wanted everything to go back to how shit used to be, less complicated.
I was so stressed out, mind full of thoughts, I felt like I was going crazier than I already was.
Conflicted wasn’t even the word to describe how I was feeling.
I’d have thoughts of Nia, like what I would do when I finally came face to face with her.
She was the first woman who I knew for a fact I fell for.
The shit high key made me sick to my stomach thinking on how hard she played me.
Although Gunna went out like a straight pussy, I couldn’t lie and hide the fact that it hurt me a lil.
After coming back to the forefront, I felt bad as fuck for how I acted with Kayori.
I had deep ass feelings for her, that had me shook too.
Beast was obsessed with her, while I adored the fuck out of her.
Beast and I moved as one when we took that deposit money back for her apartment.
I wasn’t thinking about how she felt, the selfish side of me wanted her all to myself.
It was twisted how I felt about her. While I was starting to get deep feelings for Kayori, thoughts of Nia kept fucking me up.
I once saw Nia as never betraying or hurting me, I didn’t even think she was even capable to walk away from a nigga.
She tried and did that shit, but she faked it all and end up betraying me.
That video Laquanna sent me of all of them fucking showed who the real Nia was, I didn’t want to believe it.
The dark part of me believed it though, and that’s what I felt was starting to fuck me up with Kayori.
I wanted to trust her, something in me told me that I could.
People changed without you knowing or seeing it though.
I wished I could call my mom up right now, I opted out of that.
All she ever did was trigger me instead of helping me.
I needed fucking help. Every time I got to the point of sanity like now, I felt it in my soul how much help I truly needed.
When I would lose control and turn into Beast, I felt that I didn’t need any help.
Nia triggered me bad, Beast was almost a distant thing buried inside of me.
I lost control once I thought she died, and I hated myself for allowing her to make me lose control of myself again.
Sure, I battled with the voices even with Nia, but I still never lost control.
Now I was struggling hard to get that control I once had before all this shit got out of control.
Kayori is who helped me without even knowing it.
When I said she was my medicine, I really meant that shit.
Just being near her gave me a calm and a peace I craved to have like normal people.
I was cool letting Beast be in control, it gave me a break from caring too much.
Beast was deeply in love with Kayori, and she had deep feelings for Beast. So, my worries were gone the past couple of days.
I knew he wouldn’t fuck it up, up until last night.
Beast was calm, before she kept picking and picking.
Soon as she charged me, I fought like hell with Beast to take back over.
Instead, I felt trapped, feeling stuck in a fucked-up dream that I couldn’t snap out of.
The scariest part about it all was Beast thoughts and the other voices chanting to kill her soon as her hands made contact with me.
That’s when I fought harder with all of my might, I kept trying different methods of thinking.
Even Beast was bothered by the harmful thoughts he couldn’t control.
While Kayori was our medicine, I learned last night that she could also be a trigger.
Beast pride was so strong an apology was rare.
I was willing to give her that, if I could go without revealing that side of me I would, right now it felt impossible.
Taking those pills last night and passing out allowed me to take back over.
I vowed to try to stay more in control since my daughter was now living with me.
I knew I needed to be more stable. Instead of taking three pills this morning I took one, to prevent drowsiness but to be able to control my thoughts a little better.
It was easy for me to stay angry and on edge, but hard as fuck for me to stay at peace and happy with myself and who I had around me at times.
Pulling up to Stone house, I sighed and hoped Kayori was here.
I owed her an apology and I desperately needed to hold her in my arms. Kayori was just as delicate as me.
She wasn’t mental but she had a lot of things to her that I needed to start helping her with.
We needed to help each other and lately she had been only focused on helping just me.
The more and more I thought about my actions and my controlling ways, I felt bad as fuck.
I should had just let her move in her own space.
Instead, I panicked when she mentioned moving.
I wanted Kayori to grow confident and see the beautiful woman she was for herself.
I wanted her to see why I was so damn attracted to her.
Why I craved her and wanted to keep her with me every second of the day.
I just didn’t know how the fuck to express myself.
The sick part of me wanted Kayori under me, I wanted her in my space forever.
I felt like if she was there with me and living with me, then my trust issues would be better.
I knew that was far from the truth. My trust was ruined, shit was tainted bad, and I had no clue on how to fix it.
Maybe just maybe I needed to let her go.
I would lowkey rather let her be, than fuck her up more than what she already was.
Keeping it real with myself, I knew that if I really were to let her go, it would cause a trigger.
A trigger that I wasn’t so sure that I could handle.
Making my way to the front door, I mumbled low to myself, “Stay in control, nigga.”
The door opened up, Meshalay stood with her arms folded over her chest. She looked at me long and hard. I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing in her pretty face that was twisted all up. This chick was trying to intimidate me.
“I ain’t tryna get in you and Kay’s business but-”
“Don’t. She ain’t your concern,” I told her flatly. I loved my nigga Stone, so I would respect his woman. If she were anybody else, I would have checked her.
“Beast? Praise? Whoever the fuck you are today, listen to me. Kayori is every bit of my concern, and I was here before your ass.”
“What if I was the devil today? Would you be so bold?” I cocked my head to the side and chuckled, Her eyes grew wide as she swallowed down. “Look Meshalay, I’m here to see Stone, but first I want to see my girl. Stay in a woman’s place, don’t ever try to step to me again.”
“Or what?” She snapped her neck.
Clenching my jaw, I kept telling myself to stay in control.
This was Kayori’s best friend and my boy’s wifey.
All she was trying to do was protect her friend, so I guess I had to respect her for that.
She just had better been glad Beast wasn’t in control because it would’ve gone straight out the window.
“You don’t scare me, nigga. Just like you got a gun, I do too.
Now, I’m gonna mind my business, but keep in mind Kay Kay is like a sister to me and I’ll kill behind her.
If she ever tells me that you hit her or did some foul shit to her, I’ll be the devil and you could be the nutty nigga you already are.
We will see then who wins. You wanna see nutty?
I’ll show you that shit in real form if you hurt my fucking sis. She’s been through enough!”
She switched her ass away leaving me standing alone at her front door.
I couldn’t do shit but laugh. Stone had his hands full with that woman.
I couldn’t even be mad, at least Yori had someone that was real loyal by her side like her best friend.
Walking inside the spacious condo, I went straight to Kayori’s room.
Without knocking, I softly opened her door and stood there as she laid in the middle of her bed with a pillow tucked between her pretty brown thighs.
She stared at her phone, then looked up at me.
Her eyes were red and puffy. I made my way to her as we both remained quiet.
Telling her to stand up, I took in her appearance.
Her hair was all over her head, she had nothing but a silk nightgown on.
Making her straddle me, I massaged her ass and laid my head on her shoulder as I continued to rub all over her back and butt.
That calm and peace that I desperately needed came over me.
Being in Kayori’s arms felt like home, a place where you felt secure and relaxed.
I could show emotions that I hid from everyone else to her and not feel less of a man.
That’s just the balance and comfort she gave without even knowing.
“I’m so sorry, Yori. I would never hurt you, baby. I’m sorry for everything, even the things I can’t control.”
She sniffled and I hugged her tighter.
“I’ll make sure that shit will never happen again, I’ll take my meds daily if that means me staying in control.”
Nigga please! Ain’t shit wrong with us! She either get with it, or deal with it!
Ignoring the voice, I continued making promises I hoped that I could keep.