41. It’s Time
It’s Time
Cerise
Isat at my desk at the front of the lecture hall, the room silent as my students took their exams. Normally, I would walk the aisles to observe each and every one of them.
Not that I thought they would actually cheat, but it made me feel better to know they were truly working independently.
It was a habit I had been unable to break.
Until now.
I couldn’t find it in myself to care any longer. And that was a problem. Since I missed my presentation several weeks ago, I’d been feeling like a ghost wandering to and from work. A wraith who just existed. A former shell of myself.
I did my job and taught my classes but my heart wasn’t in it.
I pushed myself to focus on the test I was currently grading, begging for the clock to hurry so I could go home.
I didn’t want to be here any longer. In this stuffy room and uptight university filled with pretentious staff and colleagues who now regarded me with pity, obviously having heard about my faux pas.
They didn’t want me anyway, it seemed. My research wasn’t good enough. My proposal wasn’t good enough. My lack of discoveries? Not good enough. I couldn’t even maintain a romantic relationship. Not good enough for Liam either.
I wasn’t good enough.
All of my fears had turned out to be true. I was too uptight. Too lost in my own career to put the needs of others before my own. I was selfish.
The comment Liam had made about me being just like my mother still echoed in my head, playing on a loop. I knew he didn’t mean it—just like I didn’t mean the things I said—but I still couldn’t help but wonder…
I wasn’t like her. Was I?
The last student rose and brought me their test. It was Aaric, the graduate student who had accompanied us on the expedition. I gave him a fake smile, hoping he didn’t see the misery behind it.
“Thank you, Aaric. I hope you have a good rest of your day.”
He smiled back and paused. “Doctor Thornheart…sorry for being so bold, but are you all right?”
I sat up in my chair and straightened the collar of my shirt. “Of course I am. Why do you ask?”
“It’s hard to explain. You just seem…different. Almost sad.”
My heart lurched. “You are so sweet for caring. I’m all right. Just some personal things going on. It’ll all work out. Thank you for thinking of me.”
He nodded, seemingly satisfied, as he handed me his test. “I—well, whatever it is. I hope you’re okay and I hope you know that you’re my favorite teacher.”
He hurried and left the room without another word.
The moment he disappeared the tears fell again.
Two days later I stood in my kitchen, brewing coffee.
I had a batch of scones in the oven—baking was the perfect distraction on this early Sunday morning.
My hair was pulled back in a messy braid and I still wore my night clothes, a matching silk navy blue set.
And that wasn’t like me. I never ‘lounged’ around in the morning.
I was always dressed properly and ready to go.
A knock startled me. I set my coffee cup down and strode across the kitchen, wondering who in the world would be here this early.
Turning the handle, I opened the front door.
Emberly and Rosamund barged in without giving me a chance to speak as the former tossed the Sunday paper onto the table and then turned toward me, hands on her hips.
“Look.” She nodded at the table.
“Well, good morning you two. Would you like to come in? Can I offer you some coffee and a scone?” I raised a brow.
“You haven’t been answering your phone, CeCe,” Emberly said with concern. “And I’ve had a hard time hunting you down at work. But I have to show you something.”
I wandered back to the kitchen and took the scones from the oven, arranging them on a rack to cool. Tossing the oven mitt on the counter, I poured two cups of coffee, setting them in front of my friends as they took their seats at the table.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so disheveled,” Rosamund said, her auburn hair pulled back.
I shrugged, taking my seat. “What do you want me to look at?”
“The ad. For the building,” Emberly replied, her amber eyes boring into mine.
“Why? I don’t sit there and fantasize over it anymore. It’s too depressing. I’ll never afford it anyway.”
“Oh for the love of everything, just look at the damned advertisement,” Rosamund barked.
“Sorry,” I muttered, pulling the paper to me.
I scanned the ad for the building. I didn’t know why they wanted me to look at it. Everything was the same…except…my finger caught on something. “What is this?” I whispered in disbelief. “It says it was sold.”
My heart shattered.
“Yes, it was. But look below,” said Emberly.
I continued reading. The entire building had been purchased by investors, it said. But now, instead of asking for unrealistic amounts of money, it was for rent. And it wasn’t that expensive. In fact…I could probably afford it.
“Oh…” I said quietly, unable to comprehend what I was reading.
“Oh? That’s all you have to say?” Rosamund rose and plated up the scones before reclaiming her seat.
“I don’t know what you want me to say…”
Emberly reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “You’re depressed—”
“I’m not—”
“Shh.” She raised a hand. “Let me finish. You aren’t answering your phone. You’re barely teaching your classes and getting your work done. And we’re worried. But this right here”—she pointed to the paper again—“is a sign. Do it.”
“I can’t do that. That means I’d have to quit my job…”
“Exactly.”
I pulled my hand away, my heart in my throat. “You think I should quit?”
“Yes,” Rosamund interjected. “We’re not dancing around this anymore. You’re miserable. I think these last few months with the expedition—and Liam—has opened your eyes to what you truly want. You aren’t happy and we hate to see you this way. Take a leap and fucking do it.”
“No. No way. I just need to get on track and then everything will be back to the way it was.”
That’s not true. Why are you still lying to yourself, Cerise? I thought.
Emberly took a bite of scone and studied me closely. “You weren’t really happy before either.”
I groaned, putting my head in my hands. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve fucked everything up.”
Rosamund cackled. “I’ve never heard you curse before. I’ve also never seen you in your night clothes. You must really be struggling.”
“I am,” I admitted.
“All right, then. Here’s what we’re going to do. The semester is almost over. Which means it’s the perfect time. Have you renewed your contract yet?” Emberly asked.
I shook my head.
“Perfect. Tomorrow, we’re going to talk to the dean and you’re turning in your resignation.”
“We?”
“I’ll come with you for support. I mean, I’ll wait outside, but I’ll be there.”
I was speechless. I really didn’t know what to say. Did I want to do this? Absolutely. But was I prepared to deal with the consequences? I didn’t know.
Rosamund took a sip of coffee and set down her cup. “And then, we’re going to the bank to get you a loan for the supplies and furniture you need to get started with the clinic. Then we will get that place rented for you. This is going to be a great week, CeCe.”
Unable to help myself, I gave them a small smile. I had to admit, their enthusiasm was contagious. This is what I had wanted deep down for years. For my entire life, really. What better time than now?
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…yes. Okay. Let’s do it.”
Emberly popped out of her seat and pulled me out of my chair into a hug.
“This is exactly what needs to happen. I’m sure of it.
And you know we will help you in any way.
We can have a painting party and get the interior decorated.
We’ll help you design it.” She pulled back and wiped away a stray tear I hadn’t realized had escaped. “Okay?”
I sniffled. “Okay.”
“We have to go.” Rosamund rose with her, giving me a hug. “Oh. And make sure you check your mail. It’s piling up.”
They hugged me again and left.
What had just happened? Did I truly agree to quit my job and open a healing clinic for animals? I suppose I did. And I needed to hurry before that location was snatched up. The price was too good to pass up.
Remembering the comment about my mail, I glanced at the pile on my counter. I didn’t see anything of importance, but I thumbed through it anyway until I landed on an envelope with familiar hand writing. My breath caught as I opened it and unfolded the letter.
Hey Sunshine,
You haven’t been answering my calls and I knew showing up unannounced would cause you stress. So here I am, writing you a letter like the fool that I am. I’m truly sorry for any distress I have caused you, especially for making you miss your presentation. I know how much that meant to you.
I’m also sorry for what I said. It isn’t true.
I was hurt and angry and lashed out like an idiot.
You are not your mother, Cerise. You are beautiful and kind and passionate.
You are confident and unashamedly bold. Your laugh is my favorite sound in the entire universe and your smiles are brighter than the sun (I miss them so damned much).
A tear rolled down my cheek. I kept reading.
You are undoubtedly the most amazing person I have ever had the honor to know and my world is darker without you in it.
I know you’re probably in your head right now, trying to figure out your next step. Isn’t that peculiar? That I know you so well? Because I feel like I do. And you know me too, sunshine.
So, right now I’m giving you space because that’s exactly what you need. Even though it kills me not to be able to see you. To hold you and kiss you and reassure you.
But I’m not giving up on this, beautiful. I’ll be there when it’s time. So please, take care of yourself and don’t get in your head. You are perfect just the way you are.
Liam
P.S. Don’t forget what I told you. Find your joy and chase it.
I read and re-read the letter, mulling over Emberly and Rosamund’s words as well. Then I stood, looked at Arthur sitting on a chair, and said, “What do you think about being my clinic cat?”
He answered with an encouraging meow.