Chapter 10
“We could phone for a takeaway?” I said from where I was sitting very comfortably on the sofa.
“Get ready, Shelley, we are going,” Theo replied sternly.
I rubbed my belly. “Have you any idea how hard it is to move when you’re almost full-term?”
“Shelley, when the Amazon delivery driver came earlier, you seemed to travel faster than the speed of light, so stop pretending you’re having a human-type pregnancy in order to avoid dining with everyone else.”
Huffing, I got up from the sofa and gave my husband some serious side eye as I walked past him. “Don’t say I didn’t give you the chance to avoid this when it all goes tits up,” I warned him.
“It’s a shame the piano is out in the barn, as I feel you need an accompanying funeral march to complement you walking around like you’ve lost your kitten.
“Carry on and you’ll have lost your pussy,” I warned him.
Theo just laughed. I wondered whether if I murdered him, I’d be sent to a human jail. Thirty or so years of a vampire’s life wasn’t that long really, was it?
“Have you dropped your mind guards deliberately, dear wife? If you murder me, I’ll come back and haunt you. My family has form for doing so.”
“Bite me,” I hissed.
“I think it was something similar that ended with us in this, erm, predicament as it is. Now go get changed and let’s take you out where you’ll suddenly turn all nicey nicey because your best friend will be there.”
I gave him a middle finger as I left the room.
* * *
“Welcome, welcome, my good friends,” Rav greeted us as we walked inside. Then he dropped his voice to not much more than a whisper. “My mother has already arrived. Please make me look good. She wanted me to become a doctor and the fact I work at a restaurant not-so-secretly annoys her. She’ll big me up in front of you all, but then will give her usual digs when such opportunities arise.”
“We got you,” Theo reassured him, patting him on the back.
“Shelley, I have seated you nearest the bathroom, as I know pregnant women’s bladders can sometimes become problematic.”
“Thanks, Rav,” I said cheerily.
“There is no such affliction for Shelley but note her satisfaction as she believes she can use it as an excuse to escape dinner if she needs to, where she will spend time on her phone looking at male models on Instagram,” my husband informed Rav.
Rav grinned. “She’s spending time with my mother. If she needs to lie, so be it.”
Theo just shook his head. “Sita’s not that bad,” he said. Then he sighed. “Okay, she is. Can I have a bothersome bladder too?”
“No, I think that would be taking the piss,” I told him.
Rav giggled, but my hubby was unamused.
* * *
It wasn’t too much longer before everyone else had arrived.
Theo stood up and patted his water glass with a spoon. “If I could have your attention please,” he requested.
Everyone quietened down and looked at him.
“Thank you for joining Shelley and I on this impromptu meal out. As you know, the arrival of our baby is nearing, and—”
“You’re hoping curry makes the baby come out so Shelley stops being a mardy cow,” Kim not-so-helpfully interrupted.
“The only beef I have is with you,” I snarked back.
Theo tapped his glass again. “As I was saying, our baby’s arrival is nearing, and although we’d originally planned to come out tonight, just the two of us, I’d like to thank everyone else for attending—”
“And sharing the load, and it’s a heavy one right now in her third trimester,” Kim said, interrupting again.
This time Darius elbowed her. “Enough, Kim. Theo is trying to speak. The only person being annoying so far is you.”
“Take that, bitch,” I shot out at her.
She pulled her tongue out in reply.
Then we laughed.
“I don’t think I will ever understand women,” said Theo and Darius at the exact same time.
“Carry on, Theo,” Max encouraged with a little clap of his hands.
“Basically, I just wanted to say thank you and that dinner was on me.” He caught my raised brow. “I mean, on us, my wife and I.”
That earned another, louder, hand clap from Max. “Yay. Thanks, Theo.”
I glared at him.
“And Shelley. Congrats, hun, on marrying a ridiculously wealthy man so we can all enjoy, his, I mean your generosity.”
“Could I please hand out menus to you all, and get you some drinks?” Rav enquired.
“Look at my boy. Wouldn’t even get up off his backside to make me a cup of tea at home, but pay him and he’s ready to serve anyone,” Sita stated.
“You clearly raised him very well though, Sita, because he is polite and attentive and has never got my order wrong,” I said.
She fluffed at her hair. “It is true. I raised a polite boy.”
Rav mouthed ‘Thank you’ at me.
“I told you we had to come out tonight,” my vampire hearing heard Max mumble to Brandon. “Entertainment, and for free. Better than staying in for Eastenders.”
I glared at him again.
* * *
Soon we were tucking into a selection of starters we’d ordered to share between us all and I was finally beginning to relax and enjoy myself. The food was gorgeous as usual, and having my husband at one side and best friend at the other meant I was both being looked after and enjoying a good gossip and giggle.
“Sita, what do you enjoy doing outside of work?” Theo enquired.
“I would like to be babysitting, but Rav is not ready for providing grandchildren, so I have an unhealthy addiction to For the Love of Dogs on the television. I collect dog plushies though because I don’t actually want the responsibility of a real one.”
“In that case, I’ll buy you a reborn doll for a grandchild,” Rav said from behind his mum. “Then you can pretend you have one of those too.”
“Anything else?” Theo interjected.
“I meet with my friends twice a week. We have a social club held at the town hall. Sometimes we sit and sew, sometimes we knit. Many of my friends have grandchildren to make things for.”
I saw Theo rubbing his forehead. “Any music groups there? I’m interested in learning an instrument.”
“There used to be a music group held three times a week at the town hall. I know because my friend Saira attended there. Unfortunately, about a week ago, there was a break-in, and all their instruments were stolen.”
“St-stolen?” Theo would have gone pale if he hadn’t already been that colour as a vampire dude.
“Indeed. There is a reward for their safe return. So many instruments missing. But all have the initials THO on them for town hall orchestra, so we are hopeful that one day they will be located.”
“My husband likes to do investigative missions. Sometimes he even dresses as a spy. Might this be something for you to get involved in Theo? Locating the stolen instruments and returning them,” I asked him, an eyebrow raised.
Theo swallowed. “I’d be delighted, and I wouldn’t even accept the reward. Finding them would be rewarding enough.”
“I’ll help you, Theo. Being an ex-police officer, I have a nose for these kinds of situations,” Darius added.
“You’ll have to come to ours tomorrow night, Darius,” I suggested. “Get your heads together and see if you can drum up any ideas for where they could be.”
“Drum up. Good one.” Darius laughed.
“Don’t want to blow my own trumpet, but I’m good at musical puns.” I turned to my husband. “What about you, Theo, darling? Maybe you can bass your investigation at our house and look for leads. That’s a guitar joke, by the way.”
“I get it, Shelley. I’m very familiar with musical instruments, though I can’t play many.”
“Oh, I know you are, sweetie. Anyway, I’ll let you and Darius orchestrate things.”
I was having even more fun now, even if it was at my husband’s expense. That was one expense I’d not argue to share.
* * *
Our main courses arrived, and Rav slipped the naan breads onto the table. “I’ve got you a garlic naan, Shelley, on the house,” he said, winking at me. He was never going to let the fact I threw garlic naan at Theo’s head the first time I met him go. The man had said he was a vampire and at the time I’d thought I was human. What else was I supposed to do to try to prove a point?
I let Rav’s teasing go though seeing as I loved a garlic naan. In fact, tonight I was enjoying all of the food. I felt fit to burst, I’d eaten so much. As a vampire, I didn’t need to eat for nutrition, but I still had a love of a good curry and all of the sundries that came with it.
Kim’s phone rang and I heard her say hello to Freya. In the background, I could hear one of the babies crying. They were almost six months old now, and Kim had said Cedric appeared to have started teething.
“Put him on speakerphone,” Kim said. Suddenly, the restaurant was full of the sound of a distressed baby screaming.
“Cedric, sweetie, Mummy is coming home, don’t worry,” she said.
Darius began to gather their things together. Looked like they were going to have to leave early.
“It’s okay,” she said. “Sshhh, sweetheart.”
Other customers in the restaurant were starting to stare over at us, wondering why their ears were being assaulted when there was no baby present.
I rubbed at my right boob as I felt a weird pressure there. As Cedric let out a blood-curdling cry, I felt my nipple cramp and then my right bra cup felt wet. I put my hand inside my bra without thinking, but Theo saw and grabbed it. “What are you doing, Shelley, we’re in pub—”
Then we both saw that my hand was dripping in blood-red ‘milk’.
“My milk’s been activated by Cedric’s cry,” I explained.
Theo quickly began cleaning up my hands and Max screamed. “Oh, ugh, ew, for goodness’ sake. I don’t want to be thinking about my boss’s breasts, and they’re leaking.” He started making puking noises. His scream had made Cedric worse and that in turn made my boobs spurt bloody milk again. I clutched at my breasts over the outside of my top.
A woman strode over from a nearby table. “Do you think you could stop grabbing your boobs in front of my boyfriend, thank you very much. I thought he was going to propose tonight, but he can’t stop staring at you instead.”
She glared at Kim next.
“And turn your phone off speaker. We don’t all want to hear your snivelling brat.”
Darius and Theo both moved at superfast speed to hold down Kim before she ripped the girl a new arsehole. Darius took the phone from Kim, turned it off speakerphone, chatted with his mother and then with a quick goodbye, they were on their way home.
“I’d better go clean myself up,” I told Theo.
“Could I get some water?” Max shouted to Rav. “I feel all hot.”
As I stood up from my seat, my full-to-bursting stomach made its true self known. There was a weird sensation which travelled over my stomach until I felt a pop. Then water gushed from between my legs. I automatically put my hand over my mound as if the baby might fall out.
“Good God, she’s playing with her vagina now. What kind of establishment is this?” the woman shouted.
“That’s not the water I meant, Shelley.” Max heaved again.
“I’m… I’m… in labour,” I announced.
The woman looked at my feet. “Oh, crap. Is there a doctor in the house?” she yelled.
“Unfortunately not,” Sita replied. “I tried my best; I could do no more.”
“My apologies,” I said to the woman. “My milk came in as well.” I pointed to my boobs.
“But there appears to be blood there. Oh dear, you really must get to the hospital. You might have an infection with your milk. That happened to my friend once.”
I noticed then that my husband was very quiet.
He looked frozen in place, clearly in shock.
“Theo, I’m in labour. Do something.” I elbowed him in the side.
“What? Oh, erm, but the baby isn’t due for another three weeks.”
“Oh silly me. I’ve made a mistake,” I told him.
“Three more weeks, honey,” he said.
I picked up the garlic naan and slapped his face with it. Once might have possibly been enough, but I was, as my bestie had said, a ‘mardy cow’, so I did it a couple of extra times to be sure Theo got the memo.
“Can someone please order me an ambulance,” I shouted.
“On it,” Rav said. Only he was laughing so hard at the fact the garlic naan had once again factored into our date that I doubted he’d manage to utter the words.
The woman who’d come over got out her mobile phone. “I’ll sort it,” she said.
And so five minutes later I found myself flat on my back on a stretcher, about to be taken out in an ambulance. My boobs were still leaking blood, and my contractions had started.
“I’m finding it hard to get my head around what has occurred and is occurring this evening,” Theo said.
“I did tell you not to complain if it went tits up,” I said, clutching my own.
Max walked past me, a smirk on his face.
“Dum dum dum, dumdumdumdumdum,” he said, sounding out the Eastenders end of episode theme tune in its full dramatic fashion.