Chapter Twenty-One
“Are you sure you don’t want to go out?”
Siobhan let her head loll sideways against the back of the couch, so she was facing Robin. “I absolutely don’t want to go out.”
“I know it won’t take your mind off things, but we could go to a sports bar and watch drunk men yell at the television screens.”
“In the mood I’m in, I’d probably start cheering for the other team just to make them angrier.” Plus, it would just make her think of being at Jasper’s with Brian.
“Definitely no sports bars, then. I could grab a bottle of wine and we could throw on some reality dating show and yell at them, instead.”
Siobhan chuckled. “That’s tempting, but no wine for me. I want to be able to drive if…you know.”
If Brian called because Oliver was inconsolable or if there was an emergency. Or if he realized he was in over his head and needed help. If their first solo overnight didn’t go well, Siobhan wanted to be able to get to her son.
Robin sighed. “If you weren’t ready to leave him, you should have stayed tonight, too. Brian wouldn’t have minded.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t, since we had sex last night.”
She probably should have made sure her friend hadn’t just taken a big drink of water before dropping that little tidbit, but luckily—with some coughing and spluttering—Robin managed not to do a spit take.
“I’m sorry, you what?”
After taking a deep breath, Siobhan filled her best friend in on not only the last twenty-four hours, but some of the holes she’d left in the story to date.
“Wait. Seriously. Don’t move.” Robin got up and practically sprinted out of the apartment and across the hall. She returned slightly out of breath, carrying a bottle of open wine and one glass. She poured herself a full glass before settling back on the couch. “What the hell, Siobhan?”
“I know.”
“I’m going to forgive you for not having served up this delicious tea before now because I know your history with your family.
Your mother and sister are good at manipulating emotions so you only like to express them when you’re absolutely certain about what you’re feeling.
But this is…yeah. You need to talk this out with me. ”
“How do I know if he’s really into me or if he just likes the idea of us being an instant family? There’s no way to separate Oliver from the equation, so there’s no way for me to judge how much he’s a factor in Brian’s feelings.”
“I know you and I honestly don’t think you would have ended up in bed with him if you weren’t getting an authentic into-you vibe.
” She sighed and sipped more wine. “I don’t think you doubt that he’s into you.
I think it was the jump from bed to cohabitation in the time it takes to eat scrambled eggs. ”
“I know that’s how it sounds, but there’s been something between us almost from the beginning.” Siobhan groaned, closing her eyes for a second. “The second time, I mean. Not the time he was marrying my sister.”
“I’m going to ask you a question that’s probably going to make you mad, but as your best friend, I think I have to ask it anyway.”
Siobhan sighed. “Okay. I’m ready.”
“Janelle and Kelly are…” She paused, frowned, and then waved her hand. “They are who they are, so it’s been just you and Oliver. And me, of course. But is there a chance that’s why you’re attracted to Brian? Because he comes with a big, ready-made family that sounds pretty awesome?”
Siobhan thought about the Kowalski family, and how much she’d loved spending time with them.
They were loving and supportive and funny and very, very focused on being there for each other in all the right ways.
She definitely loved his family and even though she knew she’d have to deal with feelings of not being enough for Oliver when he was older, she was so thankful her son got to be one of them.
“You’re mad, aren’t you?” Robin couldn’t take the silence. “Like, so mad you’re not talking to me right now?”
Siobhan chuckled, and then rolled her head against the couch to face Robin again. She really wished her apartment was big enough for conversational seating. “I’m not mad. It’s a valid question and I’m just processing and trying to figure out just how valid it is.”
“Oh, good. Our friendship would be one hundred percent more awkward if I had to do all the talking.”
“The thing is, I already have the family. I’m Oliver’s mom and they’ve welcomed me in.
I could call Lisa to chat or for advice.
I’ll probably get invited for Thanksgiving.
I don’t have to be with Brian in that way to be a part of the family.
” She sighed. “But it was definitely a valid best friend question. You’re very wise. ”
“I’m the oldest child. It’s in my DNA.”
Siobhan took the glass out of Robin’s hand, downed a few swallows of wine, and then handed it back.
“My problem is that I want Brian. He is everything I ever could have imagined wanting in a man. And more, really. Like there are things about him I didn’t even know to put on my list, like I want a man who’ll carry a rock around in his pocket because it was the first thing his son ever gave to him.
When I’m with him, it just feels right.”
“So when you’re with him, it feels right, but when he asked you to be with him, you left.”
“Yes.”
“I’m going to need more to work with here, Siobhan.”
“It feels so fast and it was all wrapped up with Oliver and yes, it feels right, but what if it’s not?
Right now, we can move on and be cordial and be great co-parents.
If I quit my job and we move in with him and Oliver has his family, but it’s not actually right, it’ll be devastating for everybody. ”
“But what if it’s right?”
Siobhan sighed. “There’s too much at stake.”
“That’s exactly my point.”
* * *
Being alone with an almost two-year old wasn’t quite as terrifying as Brian had feared it would be.
He had a wealth of child-rearing knowledge at his fingertips. All he had to do was send an SOS text message and his phone would be flooded with advice. And if he needed hands-on help, his mom wasn’t that far away. She’d drop everything and head over if they needed her.
It wasn’t a surprise when Sean pulled up to the house a little before noon.
Brian had posted a photo of the damage he’d done taking out the gate at the top of the stairs, but in the original family group chat because it would hurt too much to see Siobhan’s name coming up on his phone.
There had been a lot of jokes, of course, but they also knew it would be tough for him to fix it while Oliver was there, and nobody wanted the little guy taking a tumble down the stairs.
Sean was there almost three hours, and Brian made small talk with him.
But he didn’t let on that maybe Siobhan hadn’t left under the best of circumstances.
It was too fresh and tender, and he couldn’t take talking about it yet.
And not only would Sean want to talk about it, but he’d tell Emma and then everybody in the family would want to talk about it.
Mostly, he tried to keep Oliver and Stella out in the yard as much as possible. Not only did the open sky and fresh air help Brian’s state of mind, but his best strategy was to wear Oliver out so he’d be good and sleepy by bedtime.
Shortly after they finished supper—dinosaur chicken nuggets and fries from the oven because he wasn’t going to fight food battles on day one—Brian’s phone chimed with a text message from Siobhan.
How’s Oliver doing?
Was the wording deliberate? She hadn’t asked how they were doing or how he was handling things, but wanted to know specifically how Oliver was.
He’s good. We finished eating and now he’s telling Stella about all the kids at his school. He’s told me several times that he’s sleeping here tonight and will see you tomorrow, so he’s reassuring himself.
Only a few seconds passed before the dots flashed to indicate she was typing, and then her response came through.
Okay. I’m not sure if hearing my voice would make it better or worse, so I’ll leave it alone. But call me if he needs me.
I will.
And that was it. No more dots and no reply.
The next morning, he and Oliver were both a little out of sorts. Oliver had gone to bed alright, but Brian had tossed and turned, staring at the ceiling, and trying not to think about Siobhan being in this bed with him last night.
Maybe, if he’d kept his mouth shut, she’d be with him tonight.
His mother used to tell him he was the most guarded of her boys because he was the opposite when he was little.
He’d shared pretty much every thought and emotion in his head, but they were often used against him and he’d learned not to share.
Clearly, Siobhan had gotten through those defenses and here he was again.
Then, about two in the morning, Brian had awakened to Oliver calling for his mommy. He hadn’t wanted daddy at all, but eventually he’d calmed down. Brian let Stella in the room to help Oliver feel better, and eventually he’d gone back to sleep.
There was oatmeal for breakfast and then a short visit from his grandparents.
They’d managed to distract Oliver until it was almost time to leave, and Brian was grateful.
He knew Oliver would adapt and get used to this new reality, but right now he felt guilty for changing up the boy’s life.
Even though he was handling it better than Brian expected, it was a tough age for a change in routine.
By the time they pulled into the parking lot of the store where they were meeting Siobhan, Brian was exhausted.
He treasured the time he spent with his son, but his regret that he’d screwed things up so badly with Siobhan was turning him inside out.
He’d thrown his own bags on the front passenger seat with Oliver’s, and when they were done here, he and Stella were going to head straight north to the campground.
He needed to be outside, doing hard work and sweating out the feelings he had no other outlet for.
“Mommy!”
Siobhan was leaning against the trunk of her car, and she offered up a huge smile and wave when she saw Brian’s truck. Of course that was for Oliver, Brian told himself, but it still took his breath away.
He got Oliver’s bags out of the truck while Siobhan freed her son from the car seat and covered his face in kisses. Oliver talked as fast as his little mouth could make words, telling her about the yard and Sean and the nuggets and he made it sound like he’d had the time of his life.
Since Siobhan had chosen a store parking lot and not a restaurant or a park, there was nothing to do but leave.
He put Stella on the leash she hated and let her wander on the grass separating them from the next parking lot over, and then he brought her over to say goodbye to Oliver.
The little boy hugged her, getting some kisses in return, and then Brian opened the door so she could get back in the truck.
Siobhan had Oliver buckled into the car, but she stepped back so Brian could lean in and give him a goodbye kiss. “I’ll see you soon, little man.”
“Bye, Daddy.”
His heart squeezed in his chest, and he ruffled his son’s hair before closing the door. Then, as he turned to face Siobhan, he reminded himself very sternly that he wasn’t going to put his emotions on her again.
“He did good,” he said in a remarkably steady voice. “He woke up in the night and was a little confused because you weren’t there, but he calmed down and Stella helped. He went back to sleep pretty quickly, so I didn’t see any reason to wake you up.”
“It’ll get easier.” She gave him a shadow of a smile. “For everybody.”
“Yeah. If I don’t talk to you before then, I’ll meet you at the courthouse, I guess.”
“Brian, I’m sorry.” She crossed her arms over her chest, tears shimmering in her eyes. “It’s a lot and I’m scared and I handled it badly.”
He wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her until that tremor in her voice went away.
There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he couldn’t pour out his feelings in this parking lot when she was about to get on the highway with their son.
This was neither the time nor the place, and he couldn’t do it.
“We’re good,” he said, knowing it wasn’t enough.
She nodded slowly and when she realized he wasn’t going to say more, she sighed. “I should get going. He gets bored in his car seat.”
“Drive safe.”
He turned away before he could change his mind—before he could back her up against the side of his truck and kiss her until she admitted that she felt the same way he did—and slid into the driver’s seat. Stella whimpered, giving him an accusing look.
“You’ll see him again soon,” Brian promised as he buckled his seat belt. “Now, let’s go split some firewood.”