Chapter 19
Still Izzy
Disneyland was eye opening.
Before today, I would’ve said I thought I knew who Beau was—a tough but quiet guy who didn’t put up with bullshit.
Clearly, I didn’t have a clue.
He shouted. He laughed so hard and loud that people turned around to look. He flirted with babies. He was open and gregarious and so far from the person I thought I knew.
“That was fucking awesome!” Beau shouted as we staggered off the Guardians of the Galaxy ride. He beamed at our VIP guide. “Can we go again?”
Middle-aged Dianne in her plaid vest and blue ruffled skirt smiled patiently at Beau like a doting aunt. “If you’d like.”
I shook my head vehemently. “No, please don’t make me. We survived. We cheated death. Can we do something normal that keeps our feet on the ground? Maybe meet Mickey or Goofy now?”
I could see Dianne fighting the urge to smile. “We can always split up so everyone has the opportunity to do what they want. I could escort you to the ride again Mr. Benoit and then find a character experience or a calmer ride for Ms. Monti.”
“No.” Beau sighed. “It’s not the same if I’m riding with strangers. This is supposed to be a bonding experience.”
“Well, after cheating death twice between the Incredicoaster and that horror show—” I jerked a thumb at the ride entrance behind us. “My adrenaline is almost depleted. I need something calmer with a side of happy, please.”
“You must get that level-headedness from your mother.”
I ignored the pang that threatened to open my deep gaping wound. Push it down, keep it at bay. Swallowing hard, I ignored the pain and poked back. “And I’m starting to see exactly why you became a rock star.”
“Eh.” Beau shrugged. “I’m getting too old to keep snorting bumps with groupies.”
Since this was his third or fourth reference today about what his life used to be like, it passed me without a blimp.
Instead, a snarky comment about Phoebe was on the tip of my tongue, but I let it go.
We were having so much fun—mostly—and there was always the chance that mentioning her might summon her like Bloody Mary or Beetlejuice.
I shuddered.
“Can I assume that you’ve changed your mind about the churro?” Dianne asked with a faint smile, a paper wrapped churro in her hand.
My stomach lurched. “No thank you.”
“I’ll take it.” Beau snatched the treat out of her hand and had a third of it in his mouth before we could blink.
There was an obvious joke there, but I let it go. Oh! I turned to Dianne. “Can we meet Elsa?”
“You want to meet a princess over Mickey?” Beau mumbled around a mouthful of churro.
“Gross. And maybe?”
He sighed. “Whatever my princess wants.”
My whole body convulsed involuntarily, and bile tickled the back of my throat. “Please don’t call me that.”
He frowned. “Okay…”
“For the record—” Dianne lifted a finger. “You don’t have to choose. I can make both of those meets happen.”
“Yes!” I crowed. “Please.”
Beau shrugged. “I’m down with whatever. I wouldn’t mind a picture of you, me, and Mickey though.”
I smiled as a warmth spread through my chest. I wanted that picture too.
Dianne clasped her hands together. “I’m guessing that means you’re both done with California Adventure? Are we good to head into the Magic Kingdom?”
“Lead the way, your majesty.” Beau genuflected before her.
I giggled at his silliness, but felt so light and happy as we made our way across the park and to the next one. We cut through the crowd with ease. Dianne knew the best routes.
As we walked, I turned to Beau. “I’m surprised more people aren’t recognizing you. I thought you’d be mobbed here.”
“Eh, it’d be more of an issue for Leif, or even Mal, but most people don’t care about the bass guitarist. How many can you name off the top of your head, let alone recognize in the wild?”
“Does that bother you?” He sounded unaffected, but it was hard to imagine that it didn’t make him feel some kind of way.
“I do it for the music. I don’t care about the fame as much anymore. Don’t get me wrong—I was a selfish asshole when I was younger. The way I screwed over your mother is a point of fact. But I hope I’m more mature than that now.”
“Theme park rides notwithstanding, I’d say you are.”
“Hey, everyone is a kid at Disneyland.” He grinned back at me. “That definitely doesn’t count.”
From the depths of my bag, my phone pinged. But I ignored it.
But then it pinged again.
Beau turned his head in an obvious attempt to give me a tiny bit of privacy.
When I pulled my phone out, I saw a text from my bestie along with a ton I’d missed from Hunter apparently.
Alexis: How’s Cali? You still want to stay longer?
Alexis: I can always come to you. I miss your face!
I smiled. My bestie was the best.
And then I read Hunter’s texts.
It’s Complicated: Hey, just heard Beau canceled practice. Is everything okay?
It’s Complicated: Kinda freaking out here. Let me know you’re okay
It’s Complicated: If you don’t reply in the next hour, I’m coming over
It’s Complicated: On my way
Oh shit. Bypassing a text reply, I hit his contact and called him back.
He answered on the first ring. “Tell me you’re okay.”
“You are ridiculous. Of course I’m okay. I, uh, I’m at Disney with Beau.”
A short silence buzzed over the line followed by a cacophony of horns and muffled yelling. “Shit. I missed the light.”
I giggled.
“But, um, that’s great. I think. Right?”
“Yeah,” I answered softly. “Yeah it is.”
“Right. Okay. You’re busy, so I’m going to go. Fuck, I feel stupid.” He muttered the last bit almost to himself.
And my heart melted. “It’s not stupid. You’re not ridiculous. I didn’t mean that. I really, really appreciate that you were worried about me. It’s sweet.”
“You know that’s right up there with nice as far as non-compliments go for guys, right?”
I laughed incredulously. “What does that even mean?”
“Ignore me. This was stupid. I gotta go.”
He ended the call before I could object.
Sighing, I typed out a quick reply to Alexis and sent her a picture Dianne had taken of us at the pier bridge with the huge Mickey Ferris wheel in the background.
Alexis: Glad to see he’s finally showing up. Call me later!
I shoved my phone back into my bag and tried to push Hunter’s strange reaction to the back of my mind.
“Problems in paradise?” Beau rumbled next to me.
I shook my head. “Just my bestie. You met her in Washington.”
“Right.” Beau snorted. “We’re just going to pretend like I didn’t hear your end of that call. Got it.”
“Do you want my input on your marriage? Because I have opinions there that I know you don’t want to hear.”
“Doubtful. But noted. Relationships are off limits. Got it.” He sped up slightly so he could walk in step with Dianne. A minute later, they were laughing as Beau gestured gregariously.
And I walked alone slightly behind him. Like an outsider.
It soured the rest of the afternoon for me.
I pretended and put on a happy face as we posed with Mickey and when I met Elsa, by myself yet surrounded by six-year-old girls.
But I felt the distance between me and Beau.
I might’ve been faking it, but he was definitely less than warm with me and spent more time talking to Dianne than before.
We went on a few more rides in Disneyland then ate a few snacks. And by the time we were waving goodbye to Dianne, I was a weird riot of emotions.
Beau called me on it on the drive back to his place.
“Look, I get that this is new and strange or whatever. I don’t know where the boundaries are here. I’ve never had a kid before. But you’re also an adult. I’ve never done any of this—and I know you haven’t either. So I’m going to make mistakes as we figure this all out.”
I nodded. “I agree. I’ve never even had a father figure before.
” I cleared my throat roughly. “Mom never really dated while I was growing up, or if she did, she did it outside of my realm, so I never knew about it. The closest thing I’ve had is my bestie, Alexis’ father, and even that has been distant. ”
He inclined his head. “It’s going to take a minute for us to figure out how to relate or whatever.
I’ve never even had a female friend before—not since like high school, maybe—so all this is new to me.
Clearly, I can’t treat you like one of the guys and rib on you about your secret boyfriend or girlfriend. I don’t even know which you have.”
“Neither. It’s not like that. We’re…whatever. Complicated. Temporary. It doesn’t matter.”
“That’s not what it sounded like to me, but I’m happy to let it go.” Beau shifted on the bench seat until he could mostly face me. “All I’m saying is that I’m here for you. I want this to last longer than just this visit. I’m in it for the long haul, but I’m guaranteed to make mistakes. Clearly.”
I smiled slightly at his emphatic tone.
“So if you could give me some grace while I fumble my way through this, I’d appreciate it. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to disappoint you. But I want you to know that it’s never on purpose. I want to be in your life however and whenever you’ll let me.”
“Okay.” I moved my shoulders while I took in his words. It definitely had me feeling better about him—about us. And I relaxed a little.
Until he bumbled on.
“But you gotta grow a thicker skin. Let some things roll off your back. You can’t be so sensitive about a little teasing.”
I blinked. What the fuck?
And Beau blundered on. “You let one little comment get in your head, and you pouted the rest of the day.”
“Are you serious?”
“What?”
“You were the one who let one comment ruin the day. I said something about Phoebe, and you stomped away and gave me the cold shoulder the whole afternoon. You did that, not me.”
“No, no. I agreed with you about Phoebe. She’s being a real bitch lately. Or maybe always. You were the one who refused to even tell me if you’re seeing a guy or a girl. I don’t know anything about your life.”
“And whose fault is that?!” I all but shrieked. “I put my life on hold. Came out here to spend time with you, but you don’t give a shit. And then the one day I have with you, you don’t ask me a single question about myself.”
“Not true.” Beau pointed at me. “I asked about your secret relationship last night and you pushed back. I made one little comment about them today, and you jumped all over me. I was just avoiding the fight, considering we were in public, but if you want to go off on Phoebe, I’m all ears. Tell me what’s on your mind.”
“Oh my god. You don’t get it. That’s not the point!
I wanted to spend time with you. Learn about you and who you are.
Maybe brag to you about my school grades or tell you about when I was twelve and had braces and almost swallowed a bracket.
But you talked more to Dianne today than you did with me. ”
“I thought Disneyland would be fun,” he muttered, his shoulders slumped. “A bonding experience or whatever. I lost out on so many moments of you growing up. I just wanted to have a little taste of that for myself.”
“It was nice. I’m not saying it wasn’t. I appreciate the gesture—really—but we can’t go back. I’m an adult. I’m a whole person here and now. And it feels like you don’t care.”
“I do. I swear I do.”
“Then show it. Show up. I need some actual action and not fluff and condescension. Because that’s what it’s feeling like.
I was actually starting to like you just now, and then you hit me with that ‘grow thicker skin’ crap.
It’s not helpful. Find out who I am before you start in on how I need to change.
Because I’m sure as hell not going to spill my guts to someone who only has criticism for me.
You need to show up first. Be there for me. ”
“I…I’m not sure I know how to do that.”
“I guess if you care, you’ll keep trying.
I’m not saying today was all wrong and horrible or whatever.
I’m just saying I don’t need all the pomp and pageantry of your fame and money.
I don’t care about all that. I don’t give the first shit about Beau Benoit, Rock Star.
I just want to get to know you, the man—the guy who’s supposed to be my father. ”
Beau nodded slowly. “I think I can do that.”
“Okay.” I sat back in my seat with a sigh.
“Gotta say, I’m proud as hell that you’re able to stand up to me like that. You’re a strong woman. Clearly your mom did a good job.”
My stomach hollowed. I wanted to tell him to stop bringing her up all the time. It was hard as hell to bury my emotions when he kept poking at my wound.
But I also couldn’t just give him constant criticism. Especially after that little speech. Pot, meet kettle.
So instead, I just gave him a vague smile.
He stretched his long legs in front of him. “And just to double check—relationships are off limits?”
“Oh my god.” I groaned then had to laugh. I seriously appreciated the distraction from my almost jaunt into the dark place. “Fine. Just this once, you get three questions. What do you want to know?”
“Guy or girl?”
“Guy.”
“Where did you—never mind. I don’t want to waste a question there. Are they treating you right?”
“Of course, I wouldn’t be with them if they weren’t.”
“Truly your mother’s daughter,” he mumbled to himself. “And also a stupid, pointless question. Shit.”
“One left,” I teased.
“Shit. Um… Can I bank it for later because I’m coming up blank?”
I sighed. “Fine. But just the one until or unless I change the rules, and I reserve the right to change the rules at any time.”
“Damn, sounds like I should meet with my lawyers before I agree to anything.”
“That’s also your right.”
“You sure you didn’t go to law school?”
“I thought about it for a minute, but I didn’t like all the endless hours and homework.”
“You’re smart enough to do anything you want.” He gave me this smile that made me feel the kinds of things I hadn’t felt in so long. “Proud of you, kiddo. We’ll figure out this thing—me and you. I want to do better, but I might need you to help me out along the way.”
“I think I can do that.”
“Good.”
We rode along for a few minutes in silence.
Then he turned to me and asked, “You want to get dinner together or hang out with your guy instead?”
“How about we get an early dinner together, and then I’ll go see me guy? Best of both worlds.”
“Sounds like a plan, kiddo.” He settled back in his seat with a sigh. “Definitely should’ve been a lawyer. That’s straight out of Solomon’s playbook—split the baby.”
“You didn’t strike me as a religious guy. Are you? Your family?”
“Our family,” Beau corrected as he tilted his head. “I went to one too many summer vacation bible schools growing up so my Ma could get a break—mostly tagged along with the neighbors. We weren’t especially religious. Just generic Christian, I guess. What about you?”
And we visited the whole way to the restaurant and even over our meal.
It was the best experience I had with Beau to date.
And I really hoped it wouldn’t be the last.