Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
There had been times in Hallie’s life where the fight felt endless. The fight to get to the end of the finish line, the fight to just make it one more day because exhaustion wore on her—just the fight to survive.
She understood how hard it had to be for Jacob to come to terms with everything when his entire identity stemmed from his ability to compete. It made sense to her. She didn’t need anyone to explain the psychology of it all.
Perhaps that was why it had been easy to be patient with him because she understood that time was needed to heal the broken parts of him, literally and figuratively.
They were in the home stretch. She could sense it.
The cast was coming off today but Jacob hadn’t said anything about his plans for physical therapy. She’d caught him multiple times watching clips of his past competitions and she couldn’t help but wonder if he was still on the fence about what he wanted.
She’d given him his space. But now was the time to make a decision.
Ryker had kept in contact with her, sending messages here and there to check in on his brother because Jacob was keeping his cards close to his chest. He wasn’t sharing with either of them what he wanted.
Was it bad she was getting tired of waiting? She was here to help, and he wasn’t accepting her support in the way she knew he needed.
Like right now.
He was inside the doctor’s office and he’d asked her to wait in the car. His excuse had been that he didn’t want her to be bored in the waiting room. Well, she was bored in the car. What was the difference?
The longer she analyzed what he was doing, the faster her nerves rose to the surface. Was he pushing her away? What if he fully planned on returning to the rodeo but he didn’t want her to know yet because eventually they wouldn’t be able to make things work with his schedule?
No. Nope. She wasn’t going to go there.
Hallie had been nothing but supportive and while her self-confidence had taken a hit when she confessed her feelings the first time, she wasn’t going to allow herself to go down a path where she became the clingy girlfriend.
She was smart and capable. They could have a decent conversation about their futures without it getting weird.
This relationship was still new and she didn’t want to scare him off, so she hadn’t planned on telling him that she was willing to follow him across the country to the different events. There would be time for that.
But none of that would even happen if he wasn’t going to get an appointment with Dr. Drake.
She blew out a frustrated breath then straightened in her seat when she saw Jacob exit the building. Her smile was so wide it hurt her cheeks as she darted from the car and rounded it to help him in on his side.
When she opened the door, he ignored it and instead pulled her in for a scorching kiss.
He tasted like freedom. He tasted like endless possibilities.
He tasted like hope. Jacob backed her against the vehicle, his kiss hungry and searching.
She liked this side of him—the unfettered version who wasn’t held back by a brace that locked his neck in place.
Waves of exhilaration and anticipation rolled over her and by the time he released her, she was stunned and breathless.
The temptation to tell him the three words she’d only just begun to recognize hovered in the back of her throat.
She could tell him right now. She could admit that her feelings had only compounded in the last couple of months and that she had no plans of going anywhere but with him.
Then she thought better of it.
There was so much on Jacob’s plate at the moment. She didn’t want to distract him or make him feel overwhelmed. So instead, she pulled him in for a tight hug. “You ready to go home?” she murmured into the crook of his neck.
“Yeah, that sounds great.”
The whole drive, Hallie fidgeted. She chewed on her thumbnail, desperate to ask Jacob what the doctor had said about getting back to work and what his plans were to work with the physical therapist. Making plans was what she was good at.
And they helped everyone stay on task while at the same time remaining calm.
“Have you spoken to Dr. Drake lately? Set up an appointment?”
He grunted, looking out the window.
“You mentioned that they said it looks good, right? That you’re going to make a full recovery, and you’ll be able to return to the rodeo?”
“There are no absolutes, Hallie.” Jacob almost sounded annoyed as he said that, but that didn’t make sense. He’d been in a good mood when he’d exited the doctor’s office.
“I know,” she soothed. “I was just asking because I’m curious what comes next. I heard some doctors will do therapy at home, but since you’re trying to work back up to getting in the saddle, you’ll probably want to go to the office. I’ve kept my schedule open so I can go with—”
“I don’t need you to do that,” Jacob said quietly. Was there a hint of bitterness in his voice?
“Why not? That’s what I’m here for.” She glanced at him, but he wasn’t looking in her direction.
“No, it’s not what you’re here for,” he snapped.
Her eyes widened and she tightened her hands on the steering wheel. “Yes…”
“No, it’s not.” He blew out a heavy breath. “Maybe in the beginning, but things have changed.”
Her heart floundered. Was he actually going to break up with her here and now? That came out of nowhere. What was she supposed to say to that?
“You’re not my doctor.”
“I know that,” she stammered.
“And you’re not my manager.”
“I get that, but—”
This time Jacob turned to face her. “You’re my girlfriend, Hallie and I’m not going to be a burden on you anymore.”
Her mouth fell open. “You’re not—”
Jacob turned his angry eyes toward the window again as if he couldn’t stand to see the hurt in hers.
“The fact of the matter is that you’re overstepping.
I don’t mean to hurt you, but I also don’t want you to stick around if you’re only doing it because you feel bad for me.
All you ever want to talk about is how I’m doing.
If I’m in pain. What my plans are for PT.
You won’t stop and it’s really starting to frustrate me. ”
The fluttering in her chest intensified. She was just trying to be a good girlfriend. He needed a support system. She could fill that role. He needed someone to push him to get to where he needed to be when he wasn’t strong enough to plan ahead. Hallie was a pro when it came to being a cheerleader.
But maybe he was right.
Now that he was gaining some independence back, he probably wanted her to stay in her lane. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did. She’d always been the kind of friend who prioritized those she loved over herself.
“I just don’t want you to backtrack. You seem to forget that I know you, Jacob.” Her statement was said with a sliver of cynicism. “Since you haven’t opened up to me, it feels like you’re hiding. It feels like you don’t want me to stand by your side and support you.”
Jacob sighed and his head fell back against the seat. “That sounds a bit hypocritical, doesn’t it?”
“What?”
He twisted his head around to look at her as she pulled up in front of his house. They sat there in the car for long moments before he sighed again. “I saw the flyer, Hallie. The deadline is in two days. Did you submit anything to that photography competition?”
She gaped. He knew about the competition? And he hadn’t said a thing. He hadn’t nagged her or pushed her into it. He’d waited for her to come to him. And she hadn’t. Granted, she still didn’t know if she even wanted to participate.
A small smile tugged at Jacob’s lips. “See? You and me? We’re both at a crossroads, right?
When it comes to our passions. I have a long road ahead of me, but I don’t want you to get burned out standing by my side.
I don’t want you to hover and nag. Yes, I want your support.
Yes, I want you to be there for me when I ask.
But I also want to continue getting to know the girl beneath the surface.
I want to know your likes and dislikes. I want us to develop beyond a nurse and patient relationship. Does that make sense?”
Hallie nodded. “Yeah, actually. It does.”
He reached across the space dividing them and took her hand. “For the record, I have appointments scheduled for the next several weeks. I’m allowed to drive, so I’ll take myself.”
At that, she shook her head. “The first couple of appointments are going to wear you out. You can’t go alone.”
Jacob frowned, seeming to consider that.
“Fine, I’ll let you take me for the first couple until I get a feel for the state I’ll be in post session.
But after that, I want you to ease up a bit.
” He reached up and traced a knuckle along her cheek.
“I care about you, Hallie. I don’t want you to enable a dependency I might develop. ”
“Would that be so bad, though?” she asked quietly.
“Yes. It’s not healthy.” Jacob studied her thoughtfully for a moment. “We’re our own people and we can complement each other, lean on each other, but we need to also know what we want and fight to keep our own identities.”
He sounded wise beyond his years. It made her look at him in a different light—as if there was more he wasn’t saying. They could be so good together and he didn’t want to risk it.
“Tell you what,” Jacob said quietly. “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
She leaned closer as if against her will.
“I’m terrified that all this work is going to be for nothing.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to compete like I used to.
Heck, the doctor could come back and tell me that there are complications he hadn’t been aware of.
I don’t want to put all this effort into fighting only to lose it.
The rodeo is my whole life, Hallie.” That last part was said on a whisper.
“It’s okay to be scared,” she whispered back, forcing him to meet her eyes.
“Yeah, well from what I can tell, you’re just as scared as I am.”
She frowned. “I have faith you’re going to make it, Jacob. I don’t doubt you for a second.”
He shook his head. “No, I’m talking about you and your photography.”
Her blood ran cold, and she started to move back from him.
Okay, now she understood what he was saying about maintaining a distance.
Her photography was for her and her alone.
This wasn’t about a career. She didn’t need photography to become her whole life even if she’d entertained the idea a handful of times over the course of the last couple of years.
“See? That right there. It’s written all over your face, Hallie. You haven’t brought it up, you haven’t submitted anything, you haven’t done what you have to do in order to follow that dream.”
“What if it’s not a dream?” She meant for the question to be sharp and pointed so he might second guess what he’d assumed to be true, but her voice came out timid and unsure.
“You can’t lie to me, Hallie. I see you out there nearly every day with that camera. I see the way you light up when you look at the pictures you’ve captured. You have an eye for it. But you’re scared.”
She looked away, frustrated that he’d managed to read her so easily and she didn’t have a leg to stand on if she wanted to argue.
Jacob blew out another breath. “So, this is what we’re going to do. I still want you to stay at my place until I get through the brunt of my PT. I want to make sure that I can handle it, and I don’t end up in a heap of sore muscles unable to take care of myself.”
She snorted despite her sour mood.
“I’m going to make a plan that works for me,” he continued, “and do what I can to get back to where I want to be when it comes to competing. That plan is between my manager and me.”
Hallie lifted her eyes, hopeful. She wanted nothing more than for him to find his happy place again.
“And you are going to bite the bullet and submit one picture. It might not be lifechanging or anything, but if you can do that, then I’ll do my best to lean on you when I need my girlfriend most.” Jacob placed a calloused hand to her cheek and she leaned into his touch. “How does that sound?”
Hallie nodded. “That sounds like a good start.”
He leaned in then and kissed her sweetly. It wasn’t anything like the kiss they shared outside, but it spoke volumes. Jacob was trying. He was doing what he needed to get the life he wanted back with a few adjustments. Namely, a girlfriend.
She didn’t know where that would lead them if and when he needed to start traveling again, but based on how well this conversation went, she knew they’d figure it out. He was thinking about her. About them and their needs both together and separate.
How had she gotten so lucky?
When they broke apart, Jacob grinned. “Now that I’m no longer chained, what do you say we go for a ride?”
“Jacob—” she warned.
“Nothing too strenuous. Just a walk.”
She sighed. “Fine. Just a walk. Then you’re coming right back and we’ll take it easy.”
“Woman, I’ve been taking it easy since I got out of the hospital. I’m ready to put my body back to work.” He pushed his way out of the car before she could even correct him. Healing was hard work. And now she had to accept that he was ready for it.