8. Ghosts
I roused the crew at dawn, unable to contain my excitement a moment longer. Today was the day I found Pan. I could feel it in my bones. We’d started our search along the Mysterious River, trekking into Tiger Lily’s territory. I would trade mountainous countryside for rolling seas any day. The prospect of scaling another peak or traversing through another mile of suffocating forest seemed torturous. But my patience had officially run out, and my temper had been on a short fuse. I wouldn’t rest until I found Pan.
I’d been on the island for far too long without so much as a glimpse. If Dain hadn’t confirmed his presence, I would have been convinced he’d left altogether. He still hadn’t returned to his underground home. This I knew for certain. I’d assigned a rotating watch outside the place the moment we arrived. Knowing Peter and his ridiculous games, he could be anywhere. The possibility that he may have crossed the veil in search of new Lost Boys weighed heavy on my mind. Hearing his pathetic crowing yesterday gave me some modicum of comfort. But that comfort was waning with every passing moment.
I was committed to scouring the island until I found him. No stone left unturned. The men fell silent as the hours dragged on, and there was still no sign of Peter or his Lost Boys. Even Katherine had kept up with my staggering pace without a single complaint.
We’d reached the edge of Tiger Lily’s lands when frustration drove me to my breaking point. The tenuous grip I had on my temper was quickly slipping. The constant swing of my cutlass had been the only way to forge a path through the dense forest, and my decidedly mortal body was protesting. I gave the signal to stop as I rubbed at the ache radiating across my shoulder. The trees had finally thinned, sweeping into a valley before rising into a daunting mountain range.
I washed my frustration down with a hearty swig from the flask at my belt. The tension eased slightly as the rum warmed my gut. But I was keenly aware of the crew’s silence, and it began to eat away at me. They wanted me to give up. They were waiting for me to call off the mission, but I’d be damned if Pan won this victory over me.
“Any chance you’re sharing today?” Katherine asked warily as she approached me.
“Share?” I barked. The idea of sharing her with anyone sent an irrational flood of jealousy to my already taxed mind.
“The rum, James. I meant the rum,” she said, exasperated.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Kat,” I stumbled over my apology as I handed her the flask. “I didn’t mean to… I’m just?—”
“It’s fine. I know Peter’s absence is weighing on you. Do you want to talk about it?” She took a swig from the flask, her eyes never leaving mine. I wanted to tell her I was beginning to think I was a failure. I’d spent years of my life planning. I’d traveled between realms for this, and I was losing in the last leg of the race. It was enough to drive me mad.
“There’s nothing to talk about. We’re on the cusp. I feel it. We’ll find him soon.” I spoke the lie so eloquently. I couldn’t let her faith in me waver. She was starting to doubt me. It was clear. That’s why she’d started concocting a poison to finish him off. She was trying to take matters into her own hands. She’d taken measure of me and found me wanting.
“If we don’t find him today, there will be another day. Maybe tomorrow we could?—”
“Leave it be, Katherine! This isn’t any of your concern. I’ll deal with Pan on my own. Give me some damn space, woman.” The moment the words left my lips, regret welled up inside me. The hurt look on her face tore open my heart. My mind cycled through an assortment of apologies I could offer her when something caught my eye. A flicker of auburn in a sea of green.
“Don’t shut me out. I can?—”
“Shh.” I shoved a finger to her lips, quieting her so I could focus. There it was again. I was sure of it this time. I broke out into a dead run, chasing after my destiny. I heard my men calling after me, but they were merely an afterthought. I had him within my sights, but I wasn’t about to let him slip through my fingers.
I barreled back through the forest, flashes of auburn luring me on, but I made no gains on him. My heart pounded in my chest, and my lungs burned, but my legs churned on. While my body toiled, my mind was my enemy. Flashbacks from the last time I thought I had Pan within my grasp at Mag Mel plagued me. Had my mind conjured yet another vision of Peter out of desperation? Was I truly going mad?
Just when I was fully convinced that I was merely chasing ghosts, I skidded to a halt in a clearing. There, crouched on an outcropping of rocks, was Peter Pan.
My breath came in ragged pants as I stared in disbelief. “Pan!”
The boy whirled on me, squinting in the late afternoon sun. The flicker of his pixie circling his head.
“Do I know you?”
I stood there, glaring at the boy who’d been at the center of my world for far too long. My body locked in place as a wave of emotions crashed into me. Rage was something I knew all too well, but there was more to it. A blind sense of nostalgia. An unnatural awareness of being exactly where I belonged in the universe. Most surprising of all was disappointment. It snatched at my throat and stuck there. All these years. All this hate I’d harbored for so long toward the idea of Peter Pan and what he represented, and at the end of it all, was nothing more than a simple boy.
He flitted to the ground from his high perch like a bird, taking a step forward to get a better look at me.
“Careful with this one, Peter.” His pixie’s words of warning were in sharp contrast to the sweet, melodic sound of bells that flowed like music from her mouth. But he swatted her away dismissively.
“You look familiar. Have I bested you before?” he asked as a cocky smile cut across his face.
“There he is; there’s the conceited little bastard I know so well. Even after all these years, your mind is still as infantile as your body.”
“Right, so I did best you, and now you’re sore about it. Don’t think it’ll help much, but I’m willing to give you another go at it.”
“You really don’t remember me, do you?”
“Once I’ve bested someone, I have no need to remember them. It’s a waste of time to look backward.”
“And that is why history is doomed to repeat itself.”
“History is for old, dusty books. I only care about the next big adventure.”
“At the rate you’re going, death will be your next big adventure.”
“Are you going to talk my ear off or get on with challenging me? I haven’t got all day, old man.”
“Once upon a time, you promised me a life of fun and adventure,” I lamented. He had to remember me, or it would ruin everything. “I was the first boy you lied to.”
He scratched his head, trying to remember, but Neverland’s magic kept it just out of reach. “Now that I think about it, there have been quite a lot of boys. None of them overly memorable.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. The little fucker was testing my patience. “I know your story from the very beginning. I’m the one who helped you make the rules. You called me?—”
“Jas?” The name rolled off his tongue, a quizzical look in his eyes as he took another step closer to me. “Can’t be. You’re so…” He scrunched his nose and squinted his eyes, really looking at me for the first time. He floated off the ground until we were face to face. His pixie fluttered around us like a possessed house fly, glowing red in her irritation. My hand clutched around the dagger at my belt. I could have ended him at this very moment. But it wasn’t time, not yet. He had to know for certain. His soft, brown eyes went wide as recognition finally hit. “Oh, My Divine, how’d you get so old?”
My hand snapped up to grab for him, but he was too quick, pulling back a moment before I had him in my grasp.
“I had the privilege of getting old because I didn’t roll over and die when you abandoned me in the gutter,” I growled as I drew my cutlass.
“All this time, and you’re still sore about it? You’re the one who broke the rules.”
I pointed my sword at him, inviting him to engage. I was owed a token of revenge, and now the demon within me was ready to collect. “They all break the rules eventually, don’t they, Peter?”
“Now that you mention it,” he stopped and scratched his head with one hand while he pulled his short sword from his belt with the other, “they’ve all been terrible at the game. Maybe next time, I shall bring a girl back instead.”
“Not a fucking chance!” I swung at him, my cutlass glancing off his sword.
“What happened to your manners, Jas?” Peter tsked as he drifted around me, light as a feather.
“Because of you, I never had a mother to teach me manners.”
We moved in a lethal dance, Pan gliding around me effortlessly while I swung my sword in a blind rage. I was one well-placed swing away from ending all of this and devoting my life to Katherine. But the Divine kept him just out of my reach.
“Good form, old man,” Pan praised.
“I’ve had years to practice with this very fight in mind.”
“Ahh, but all those years have made you that much slower. Might I interest you in some faerie dust to even the odds?” He offered with a cheeky smirk on his face, and I knew the reason for it.
“I’m not giving him a single grain of dust,” the pixie ranted in a tirade of bells.
“Don’t worry, Faun. Jas was always the worst at flying. He couldn’t do it even if he wanted to.” It was a low blow. A sore spot between Pan and I. Instantly, I was a child again with all of my flaws on display. Humiliation eating away at me.
I swallowed hard, but my face remained stoic. I’d learned to hide my emotions so well over my lifetime that it took little effort to slam a mask in place and throw all my energy into my sword. Sweat beaded on my brow, stinging my eyes. I’d never felt my age until this moment. Pan’s laugh echoed around the forest, making a mockery of me. My life’s sacrifice was nothing more than child’s play to him.
“James!” The alarm in her beautiful voice cut into my concentration. I turned reflexively at the sound. Katherine stood at the edge of the forest, her chest heaving and her eyes wide with fear. My men emerged from the shadows right behind her. That single distraction was all it took. I heard the whistle of the blade, and I felt it rustle my hair before the sting set in. Warm blood spilled down my cheek and onto my shirt.
His laugh overshadowed the sound of my groan. The little fucker had no honor in the way he fought. I should have remembered that.
“Why, Jas,” he started through fits of laughter, “you’ve found a mother after all. It’s not done a bit of good. You still have no manners.”
“Don’t you dare bring her into this,” I growled, raising my sword again to reengage him.
“Peter, what have you got there?” a juvenile voice called out.
“Oh, Pan, you found us some pirates! That’ll be great fun!” called another as several young boys joined us in the clearing. Wide, expectant eyes peered at us from dirt-caked faces.
“Oh, I like this game!” the boys chimed in with agreement.
“You fools, can’t you see he’s using you?” I barked at them. Irritation flooded me at the sheer na?veté of the boys. “You’ll break his rules even if you don’t want to.”
“Speaking of rules, I think we should add a new one to the list,” Pan piped up, commanding the boy’s attention away from me. “Pirates—” he paused for effect, and all of them stared at him in rapt interest, hanging on his every word, “are bad!” he finished, and they whooped in approval. Their calls turned into battle cries as they charged my men, some of them wielding wooden swords.
This wasn’t a fair fight. My men were ruthless pirates, but killing young boys still wouldn’t sit well with them.
“Enough!” I bellowed, the authoritative tone bringing them up short. “Leave Pan and come with me before it’s too late.”
“This pirate talks too much. Grown-ups always ruin the game. Let’s go back to hunting beasts. I hear the crocodiles are quite ornery this time of year,” Pan said with a deep scowl on his face. I’d struck a nerve. If I could turn his Lost Boys against him, that would spoil all of his fun.
Pan turned his back on me, drifting just out of my reach.
“Turn and fight!” I shouted. I couldn’t let him walk away now. But he ignored me completely. His boys followed suit behind him like perfect little soldiers, turning their noses up at my offer. “Turn around and fight me, you coward.” I stalked after him as my rage boiled over. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. A lifetime of planning for this very moment, and it was all falling through my fingers. “You owe me!”
“Don’t worry, old Jas. The game is just beginning.” He cracked a cocky smile at me before he jetted away, and I fell to my knees. My mind was a whirlwind. No single thought could take hold in the chaos. Just a string of whispers that were deafening inside my head.
Failure.
Worthless.
Pathetic.
Defeated.
I was frozen in my own hell, waiting for it to stop. I’d questioned my sanity on more than one occasion, but the hiss of voices in my head confirmed that I’d truly tipped over the edge. The feel of cool fingers on my skin pulled me out of the storm. I flinched, throwing off the offending touch. Whirling on the world, ready to destroy anything and everything.
“James?” The tremble in that sweet voice sliced through the madness, and I found myself peering into emerald eyes. The world, in all its cruelness, came rushing back. The cutlass in my hand quivered as I held it to Katherine’s throat. She swallowed hard but stood her ground, staring down the beast that had taken over.
I hadn’t fully regained control over my demon, but I managed to drop the sword. A trickle of blood flowed from the nick on her neck. Marking how close my blade had come to ending the only good thing in my life. I drew a shaky breath into my burning lungs, trying to get a hold of myself.
“Love, are you… are you alright?” she asked hesitantly.
I grabbed her arm and dragged her body against mine. A mew of panic escaped her lips but then melted into a moan as my tongue found her throat, licking the blood from her skin. I sucked at the wound, pulling more of her life source into my mouth, the silver tang of her sating my blood lust.
I pulled away just as quickly, wiping her blood from my lips. “Never better, love. If war games are what he wants, then game on.”