9. Forgetting
I t had been a fortnight since the confrontation with Pan that had gone so tragically wrong. I’d spent the better part of that first week buried in planning and plotting. I had discreetly sent letters out across Neverland looking for allies. I was determined to turn the entire island against Pan. Apparently, it was going to take more than one epic battle to settle a lifetime of revenge. If I had to destroy Peter Pan one piece at a time, then that’s what I’d do. The scheming was enough to quell my demon for now, but the voices hadn’t stopped. I drowned them out the best I could with rum. It was a daily reminder that my mind was truly broken. Given enough time, I could control them. I had to control them.
Katherine sat silently across the table from me as she ate her breakfast. She’d been giving me the space I’d asked for. Demanded was a more appropriate description of how it all went down, and I hadn’t been nice about it. She busied her days with that damn pixie, the two of them working on the perfect poison for Pan. Her dedication to its creation was an affront to my ego—she didn’t believe I could kill Pan on my own.
I did my best to swallow my pride and ignore it, but I’d been failing miserably. I knew she deserved better from me. The fear of losing her, of letting her down, was driving me to desperation. I couldn’t let her find out how deeply disturbed I really was. I’d rather push her away now while I sorted out all my faults than lose her forever. I had a lifetime to make it up to her. Even though she was within an arm’s length, it felt like we were fathoms apart.
“Katherine—”
A slight rapping at the door interrupted my feeble attempt at small talk. “Come in!” I barked.
The door creaked open, and Smee poked his head in. “Is now a good time, Captain?”
I looked at Kat, ready to dismiss the man if it looked like she would only talk to me, but her eyes never left the food on her plate. The chasm between us was growing, but I could do nothing about that now.
“Yes, yes,” I grumbled, waving him into the cabin. The man had quickly become indispensable. I’d named him as my bo’sun shortly after he’d arrived on the ship. “What news do you have for me?”
“We received a response from the fae. It seems the young princess, Tiger Lily, wants to meet in person to, umm…” He pulled a piece of parchment from his breast pocket and read from the page. “To further discuss your request to kidnap Lost Boys and deliver them to pirates.” This got Kat’s attention. Her emerald eyes shot up to mine. A look of reproach set into the lines of her brow.
“That’s not how I worded it in my letter to her,” I assured Kat. “The youth of Neverland are going to drive me to an early grave,” I mumbled to myself as I stabbed my fork into the egg on my plate.
Katherine cleared her throat but said nothing, averting her eyes back to her food.
“Did she specify a time and place for this meeting to occur?”
“It says that she will send a member of her Royal Guard to make arrangements.”
“Dammit! The fae have no sense of urgency when they live immortal lives. It could be years before she sends for me.”
“And another thing, Captain. The supplies we’ve been storing on the mainland appear to have been ransacked. The men found this note among the remaining scraps.” Smee handed me a piece of parchment with scribbled letters that read Pirats R bad.
“Goddamned brats! Mr. Smee, drop the men to half rations until we can get the stores replaced. Be sure to grab a bottle of rum from my stash and pass it around. Hopefully, that will compensate for the missing half.”
“Aye, Captain. Shall we be expecting you topside soon?”
“I’ll be there presently. You are dismissed, Smee.”
My attention reverted to Katherine once we were alone. “And what might you be up to today?” I asked. Our conversations of late had been nothing more than pleasantries, but I couldn’t think of any other way to break the tension between us.
“Oh, don’t worry about me. I’ll be spending my day with Meadow.” Her every word was punctuated with irritation.
She doesn’t want you.
She knows you’re worthless.
She can do better.
The voices whispered hideous things in my mind.
“No, no, no!” I pushed back from the table, upending my chair. Katherine startled at my outburst and stared at me wide-eyed.
I froze in place, the room and my mind returning to silence. I had no words to explain what had just happened. “Never mind,” I growled before wiping my breakfast from my lap and stalking out of the room.
Consciousness seeped into my drowsy mind the following morning. The bustle of the crew as they busied themselves with the day was altogether too loud. I refused to open my eyes and face whatever consequences I’d suffer after drowning my sorrows with an entire bottle of rum the night before. I was surely going to regret sleeping topside with nothing more than a coiled piece of rope as a pillow.
“Good day, Mr. Starkey.” Katherine’s sweet voice carried on the breeze, and I rolled myself over with a groan. I wasn’t ready to face her yet. “Do you know where I might find Mr. James?” I couldn’t hear Starkey’s response, but I prayed he kept my night's lodging a secret and directed her to wait for me in our cabin.
The shock of cold water ripped me from my drunken stupor. I spluttered and flailed unceremoniously on the deck. The early morning light seemed excessively bright. Before I could wipe the water from my eyes, firm fingers gripped my ear and pulled.
“Ahhh, what the f?—”
“I am done waiting for you to grow up and talk to me like a man!” Katherine scolded as she pulled me to my feet by my ear like a child.
“What in the name of the Divine are you doing, woman?”
“You have been acting like a child, and I’m done ignoring it. Why didn’t you come to bed last night?”
My vision finally cleared, leaving a brooding Katherine in my line of sight, her breasts heaving with irritation. My eyes reverted to the empty bottle of rum I’d left rolling on the deck. I hadn’t been able to face her after my outburst at breakfast. I still didn’t know how I was going to explain myself. Drowning my problems in a bottle of rum seemed like a much better idea than facing them head-on. But the look on her face and the pounding in my temples said otherwise.
“I—I must have passed out topside. I may have indulged a little too much.”
“You chose rum over me?”
“Can we take this conversation to our room?” Katherine’s outburst had drawn curious onlookers. The last thing I needed was for the crew to have a front-row seat to my tumultuous love life.
I wrapped my hand around her arm and started urging her forward. She tore herself from my grip and stormed toward our cabin. Her heeled boots echoed off the planks as she walked.
She paced the room but remained silent until I closed the door.
“Tell me why?” she asked.
“Why what?”
“Why are you shutting me out?”
“I’m not,” I lied. “You knew when we arrived in Neverland that I had an agenda.”
“Well, maybe you should change your mind. He’s only a boy, after all. We can forget all about him and live a good life. Just the two of us.”
“You know I can’t do that,” I growled. Dropping my vendetta against Pan was where I drew the line.
“Why not? I need to know—why can’t you let this go?”
“You know all you need to know. Once it’s done, then, and only then, can we move on.”
“Then let me in. We’re in this together. You could help me finish the poison. I’ve almost perfected it. We’re supposed to be a team. Don’t you trust me?”
“Yes, but… I’m not myself right now, Kat. I’ve sworn to protect you, even if that means protecting you from myself.”
“Do you love me, James?”
“How can you ask me that? You know I love you.”
“You cannot protect me from love. Where you falter, I am your strength, if you would only let me help you.”
“I’m not sure I can be helped, Katherine.”
“If you truly believe that, then all is lost, and you’d let me walk out of your life forever.”
I turned away from her and walked over to the window, the vast expanse of the sea calming me. She was right. I should let her go. The voices in my head confirmed that she was too good for someone like me.
“I can’t,” I whispered.
“What was that?” she asked, forcing me to repeat myself.
“I can’t let you go,” I shouted at her, turning from the window and closing the distance between us. My hand pressed firmly against her neck, pinning her to the paneled wall. “Can’t you see I am not the hero in this story? If I was, then I’d walk away, knowing you deserved better. But you’ve fallen for the villain. A selfish, maniacal villain who left his morals at the gates of hell years ago.”
“Then tell me what you want. Is it me? Or revenge? Because I’m not sure if there is room in your heart for both.”
Something inside me snapped.
“There is no choosing.” The words came out low and measured. A warning emphasized in each word. Without another thought, I took her mouth hard and fast. This wasn’t a sweet, loving kiss. I devoured her. My lips crushed hers, my teeth catching her lip and biting down until she yelped, but she didn’t pull away. She met my fervor with a passion of her own. Her fingernails raked down my scalp and then fisted painfully in my hair. Our tongues clashed in reckless abandon until my mind was swimming with need. My cock pressed painfully against my breeches. I needed to own her. Prove that she was mine in every way. I gripped the bodice of her dress in my fists, and the sound of ripping fabric filled the cabin.
“We won’t be needing this. I want to look at what’s mine.” I pushed the ruined dress off her shoulders and down to her feet before lifting her up and tossing her petite form over my shoulder.
Her tiny fists pummeled at my back. “James, what are you doing?” she yelled. “We’re not done talking.”
“Oh, kitten, I think we are.” I slapped her ass hard to drive home my point. But she continued to protest, kicking her legs wildly, arousing my demon. I loved it when she fought me.
I tossed her on the bed, her breasts bouncing and her hair in a wild mess around her face. She was stunning.
“Ah, ah, ah,” I cautioned as she tried to squirm off the bed. I pulled the dagger at my belt, twirling it between my fingers. “You stay put.”
“You cannot fix this by fucking me!”
I ignored her for now, walking to the bedside table and exchanging the knife for a length of rope. If she was going to make this difficult, I was going to savor every minute.
“Give me your hand.”
“Why?”
I gave her a cautionary look, and without another word, she offered her wrist. I secured one to the bed, followed by the other. Rage swirled behind her emerald eyes. A finely contained tempest.
“This isn’t what I want, James.”
“Is that so, love?” I challenged, a smug smile creeping across my lips as I crawled on the bed, stalking toward her. She pressed her thighs together, trying to hide what I already knew. I wrenched her legs apart, and just as I expected, she was ripe with desire. Her pink pussy glistened with the arousal she’d been trying to hide from me.
“You think I don’t know what you like? That your darkness doesn’t speak to my own? You cannot hide from me, Katherine.”
Her lips parted, likely another string of questions that were too difficult to answer. I pressed my finger against her lips, halting whatever she was about to say, and pulled a handkerchief from my breast pocket. She jumped when I mopped up her wetness, coating the scrap of fabric.
“Now, open up.” Hesitantly, she opened her mouth, and I stuffed the cloth in. “That’s my good girl.”
I left her on the bed, taking my time stripping off my coat and shirt while I admired the view. My cock throbbed in my pants at seeing her spread out for me. A heady rush clouded my better judgment, pulling out the darkness within me.
I retrieved my blade from the bedside table, pleased as her eyes followed me around the room. I crawled back to her, positioning myself between her legs. She trembled as I dragged the cool metal down her thigh, turning it to tap the flat edge against her clit.
“We’re kindred spirits,” I said as I continued to tease her with my knife. “We thrive on the edge of fear. It’s a potent aphrodisiac, wouldn’t you say?”
I flipped the blade in my hand, gripping it until it cut into my palm, and slowly slipped the hilt inside her tight slit. Her eyes rolled in her head, and a muffled moan escaped around the gag in her mouth. The look on her face with my knife inside her was divine. The blade dug into my skin. Blood filled my palm and dripped onto the sheets. I worked her with the hilt, drawing it in and out until her hips were rising to meet each stroke.
“Not yet, love. I want you on my mouth when you cum.”
I pulled the hilt out, and her desperate mews of protest brought a smile to my lips. She needed this just as much as I did. I licked her sweetness from the handle, slow and deliberate. A growl rolled up my throat in response.
Once it was clean, I turned the dagger on her. My blood still coated the blade and stood out in stark contrast to her porcelain skin. I added a bit more pressure this time as I dragged it along her inner thigh. Just enough to draw a well of blood from her skin. It was mesmerizing to watch as her very life source mixed with mine. She held perfectly still, pleasure and pain dancing in her eyes.
I dropped my knife, bowing between her legs, finally getting what I craved. The sweet tang of her filled my mouth, and I knew I’d never get enough. I ran my tongue in languid sweeps along her slit, pulling new moans from behind her gag, and I needed more. I found her center of pleasure and worked it. I was merciless, increasing the pace until she shattered underneath me. Her hips bucked and her legs clamped around my head like a vise, riding my face through her climax.
When she released me from her grip, I couldn’t wait any longer. I freed my cock from its constraints, the air feeling cool on my heated skin. I coated my length in her wetness. She writhed under me as I rubbed against her overstimulated clit.
“If you love me, that means you take all of me just as I am, no ultimatums,” I said as I slid into her, inch by inch. Her greedy pussy clamping down around me. “You take me so well. You were made for me. We fit perfectly.” I ground out as I buried myself to the hilt.
I paused there, fully sheathed, until she began to squirm underneath me. I pulled back and slammed home again. My hand found her throat, pressing her into the bed, applying just enough pressure. A symbolic display. In my own way, I owned her just as surely as she owned me. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, but there was nothing but trust that stared back at me, and it was my undoing. I continued to fuck her, losing myself in every stroke. The voices were silent. It was only the two of us in this carnal moment. My balls tightened as my climax crested and broke. My hips jerked as she milked every drop from me.
I rested inside her while my breathing returned to normal. She’d given me back my sanity, at least in this moment, and I was grateful for the silence. But I couldn’t stay here forever. I got to my feet and collected a washcloth, wiping the smear of our blood from her thighs, leaving a puckered red scratch behind. I meant to clean her, but I couldn’t bear to wipe my essence from her. I wanted her to remember me when she got up and felt it dripping down her leg.
I pulled the saturated gag from her mouth. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but she remained silent as I moved to untie her wrists. As soon as I released her right arm, I shifted my attention to her left. A stinging slap across my cheek caught me off guard.
“What was that for?”
“For making me like it when I didn’t want to. I am not your property for you to stick your cock into whenever you fancy. You cannot fuck me into submission. That's how Blackbeard treated me, and I know you’re better than that. That is why I love you.”
“Blackbeard?” I asked. My mind reeled as I processed all she’d said. The name sounded so familiar. I knew it was important, but for the life of me, I couldn’t put a face to the name.
“Yes, James. Blackbeard,” she said, sounding annoyed. But her eyes softened as she realized the name didn’t illicit the response she thought it should. “James, I’m talking about Edward. Edward Teach. Surely you haven’t forgotten?”
I racked my brain, and the more I pondered over the name, the more the veil of Neverland’s magic hid the truth from me. I pressed against it until recognition slammed into me.
“Oh, Katherine, I am so sorry.” The idea of what she was trying to say made me sick to my stomach. I rushed to untie her. “Please forgive me. I never meant to… I would never…” I fumbled over my words as I pulled her into my arms. There were no words to defend my actions. Shame crept from the pit of my stomach, choking off any feeble attempt at an apology. I was mortified. Not only had I given Kat a reason to fear me, but I’d forgotten the man who’d made our lives a living hell for years. Damn Neverland magic. How many of my memories had already slipped through my fingers? Things were already becoming fuzzy. How long before I forgot the reason I needed my revenge against Pan?
I rocked Kat in my arms, smoothing her hair down in the process. “Can you forgive me?”
“Of course, I forgive you. That’s what it means to love someone, James.”
I grunted at that. “I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of love. I know I’ve been making a mess of things. But I will try to do better. You deserve better.”
“Start by telling me something real. Something deep. Something you’ve never told anybody else.”
I sighed and rearranged us on the bed, trying to delay the inevitable moment of weakness that she wanted from me. It wasn’t natural to let myself be raw and naked in front of anyone. That wasn’t compatible with survival. But if that’s what she needed, I had to try. I tucked her in beside me, pulling the sheets up to cover us. Her head rested on my chest, and my eyes lingered on the rolling waves out the window.
“Have I ever told you why I don’t like faerie dust?” I started.
She shook her head but remained silent.
“You see, for faerie dust to work, you must have a happy thought. That’s what sparks the magic into action. Most everyone can pull at least one happy thought from somewhere. Your parents, siblings, a beloved dog, something. But as life would have it, by the time I met Peter Pan, I had no truly happy thoughts. I was an orphan. Pan was my first friend, but we’d only just met when we set off for Neverland. My mildly happy thoughts were barely enough to get me off the ground. If it hadn’t been for Pan pulling me along, I never would have made it across the veil. And he never let me live that down. He always had a good laugh at my expense because I never got any good at flying. Not like he does. Over the years, I began to loathe the stuff.”
“And what about now?” she asked tentatively.
“Now?”
“Do you have any happy thoughts now?”
I pulled her in tighter. “Only because of you.”