Chapter 37
Rowan
“Rowan, wake up.” A hand on my shoulder. “Wake up, Rowan.”
I blinked open my eyes, trying to focus on Valerian.
“I need you to drink this now.” She handed me a cup and helped me sit up.
“That’s it. Drink it all up.” It tasted funny, but was more refreshing than the alcohol that was left for me, so I greedily swallowed it down.
“Good girl,” she said. “Don’t drink the other stuff.
I’ll bring you this morning and night. All right? ”
I just nodded and lay back down, not even watching as she left the room.
I dreamt that night. The first dream I’d had since I’d been taken from my home, all those many weeks ago. Memories from the day swirled into my unconsciousness, haunting me in sleep the same way they did when I was awake.
So I changed them.
I weaved and moulded my dream until all that remained was a cave.
An endless dark cave. Where no one could see me, no one could reach me.
A safe place. A place where I could just be Rowan.
Not Aelyra. Not a prisoner. Not an object to be jeered at.
Not a witness to the depraved acts that tortured me each day. My safe place.
I cut off any thoughts, weaved them away until only silence remained. And I floated in my cave. No emotions. No feelings at all. All of this I locked away, dragging the cool blackness over me like a comforting quilt. I stayed there all night and thought of nothing else.
The next morning dawned, and Valerian waited for me, drink in hand. And so began my new routine.
Eat, drink, torture, sleep, and dream.
Repeat.
I slept. Safe in my cave.
Safe.
Where the air was cool but not freezing.
Safe.
Where the silence was welcome but not guaranteed.
Safe.
Except… he was there.
“Rowan? Where are you?” he called into the emptiness.
Get out.
“I need you to listen to me, Rowan. Tell me where you are,” he pleaded, searching for me in the dark.
I said get out.
“Not until you tell me where you are. Please,” he begged.
No.
“Rowan!”
GET. OUT!
His eyes flared as I ejected him. I woke up, breathing heavily.
Eat, drink, torture, sleep, and dream.
Repeat.
I ejected him again.
Repeat.
“Rowan?”
A new voice this time, but I lay quietly in the dark, ignoring the intruder who walked through my dreams.
“Sister?” he hissed, his voice loud in the silence.
Aenan?
“Rowan, can’t you put a bloody light on or something?”
A torch flared to life on a wall beside him. Holding it high, he looked around, but I knew all he would see was endless dark.
“Rowan?” He sounded concerned now. “Rowan, you need to come out. I need to see you. See you’re all right.”
But I drifted, floated far away, until I could hear him no more.
Repeat.
“Rowan, light the torch, please.”
The torch flared to life beside Aenan and he snatched it from the wall and strode forward, his steps determined as he headed towards me.
I lay quietly on my side, knees to my chest, huddled as tight as I could.
He stopped, the light not quite enough to brush back the darkness I’d wrapped myself in.
But I could see his boots. Right there. Could reach out to touch them if I chose to.
I didn’t. I closed my eyes and wished—
“No! Don’t you dare!” He crouched down, and before I could wish myself away, he grabbed my shoulder, anchoring me in place. His touch burned hot against my skin. “Oh gods, you’re ice cold.” He gathered me closer, the torch dropping to the ground. “Rowan, please show yourself to me,” he begged.
The pleading in his voice nearly broke me. He was the strong twin, the one who held me up. Not the one who was broken.
I let the light chase away my shadows. Let him see me. A fragmented gasp escaped him, and I buried my face, knowing what I looked like.
“Where are you, Rowan? Can you show me?” he asked desperately. “Show me where they took you.”
I don’t know.
“Then show me anything you can see.”
I’m so tired.
“I know, little sister, but you can rest soon. Show me now.”
The black cave transformed into my cell, and I saw myself huddled on the floor, shaking, the chain rattling with my movements. There was another gasp, but he choked it back.
“Good girl. Now show me another room.”
There was only one other room, only one other place I could remember.
The cell bled away to the great hall, and I saw him.
Caelan. Sitting on that throne, Valerian in his lap this time, his mouth at her neck while his eyes watched me.
Watched, as I tried desperately not to from my short leash on the podium.
Aenan stilled beneath me. His heart stopped. One beat. Two. Then started again, faster than before. But I just closed my eyes and let the darkness fall.
It could have been a second, an hour, or more, but when I surfaced, Aenan was still there, stroking my back, whispering soft words. I felt safe. Safe in my cave with my brother, the other half of my soul.
“We’re coming, Rowan. We’ll be there soon. But I need to go now, to prepare. You stay right here. Wait for us. We’re coming.”
Then he disappeared, and I slumped back to the ground and curled into myself.
We?
He meant Orick. Orick and my brother were coming. So, I waited and waited and waited.
Drink, torture, sleep, and dream.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
The Dark Fae did not come for me for three days and when they did, I didn’t move.
Curled in a ball, my body refused to get up.
Even when they yelled at me. Even when they kicked me.
I remained on the ground, weary of it all.
So they dragged me along by my chain until I was once again secured in place for the day’s entertainment.
Caelan sat at the table, his favourite whores around him. Valerian was noticeably absent. I no longer ached to see him. The mate bond was so small now I could no longer sense it. I didn’t know if it remained and didn’t care if it was gone, so hadn’t bothered to look.
The Dark Fae closest to me completely ignored me now too, and I knew, in some small part of my brain, that my time here was coming to an end. Not because my brother had vowed to free me, but because he would grow tired of these games soon. Especially now that I no longer reacted the way he wanted.
Or at all.
I’d tried to give in, tried to hand myself over to the darkness. But just like Caelan, it didn’t want me. Wouldn’t take what I offered. Rejected me repeatedly. So I gave up, and became nothing. Nothing but this dried-up husk of a girl. Dead inside.
“Rowan?” Valerian’s voice sounded at my side.
I didn’t acknowledge her.
“Rowan, I know you can hear me. Here.” A piece of bread and a cup appeared in front of me. “You need to eat now. While you can. I’ll go distract him.”
Footsteps moved away. Then she appeared in my line of sight, pushing through the whores until she was the one who sat on his lap.
No longer feeling the weight of his stare, I ate the bread, my hollow stomach aching with the effort.
I thought it might come straight back up, so breathed through my nose.
Holding it down. Slower, I sipped the water, knowing the next would not come until the morning.
I savoured every drop. Constantly thirsty.
There were sounds, then, in the entrance hall. Voices, yelling, screaming. Caelan leapt from his chair, charging for the door, as did the fae around me. The room emptied so fast, and I watched, wide-eyed, from where I knelt, chained to the floor like the dog I was.
Suddenly Valerian was there, right in my face. “Don’t move,” she said, disappearing behind me, and then the chain fell from around my neck. The iron band clattered to the ground. “You need to get up. Come on, follow me.” She held her hand out, speaking to me as if I were a child.
I stood and took her hand and let her lead me away. My neck felt surprisingly light without the chain dragging it down.
“Come on, faster now.” She raced from the hall, in a direction I’d not been before, down some stairs to a bottom level. I was barely able to keep up with her, my legs not used to the movement, the urgency. “Hurry!” she said, gripping me harder.
We ran down a tunnel, the ground turning to dirt, then to mud, then dirt again. I wore no shoes, and sharp rocks pierced my soles. Glass? Bone? I barely felt it. I just kept moving. Numb to it all. A good little dog told to heel.
I was so weak. My lungs were on fire, and I laboured to draw breath. I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. On following her lead.
Then there was light. Sunlight. So bright I couldn’t see. Tears filled my eyes as I blinked. Blinked and blinked again. I had sat in the dark for so long.
A shape formed in front of me. A man came into view, clearer with every blink.
No.
I took a step back.
Was this just another game, another torment?
“Rowan?”
No, I shouted in my head. No!
I heard someone screaming, but it stopped when a hand slapped across my mouth. A sharp pain exploded on the back of my head. And I fell into darkness.