15. Logan
LOGAN
It’s after six as I climb the steps to Savanna’s place. Tonight, instead of a bag of groceries, I hold a battered envelope, stained brown from the dust of the Afghanistan desert.
I reach the top of the steps and hesitate with my finger hovering over the doorbell.
Once she knows what’s in this envelope, it could all be over.
But if I’m to have a future with Savanna, she deserves to know everything.
She says I’ve been making the choices for her, and withholding information is also a choice.
She may kick me out, but I have to risk it.
I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell.
Savanna opens it with a smile on her face. She looks radiant, and I drink her in, wondering if it will be the last time she smiles at me as if I hung the moon.
I smile back, despite the anxiety gnawing at my gut. She opens the door wide, and I follow her into the house.
She turns as soon as the door closes and puts her hands around my neck.
“You want to skip dinner and go straight to bed?” One hand slides down my chest, and the soft touch of her fingertips has desire flaring inside of me.
I’d love nothing better than to take her to bed, but I came here to tell her the truth, and I’m not going to be a coward about it.
“We need to talk.”
Her expression changes in a heartbeat. She drops her hands to her sides and steps away.
“You’re leaving.” Her voice is flat and her expression blank, not even surprised.
“I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere. But I have to show you something.”
She folds her arms across her chest, and for the first time her gaze slides to the envelope in my hand.
“What’s that?”
“I wasn’t entirely honest with you.”
“Logan?” Her voice has an edge to it. “What do you mean?”
Her scrutiny is intense, and it’s hard to look her in the eye. I stride through the living room and stop at the kitchen table. She moves to the opposite side and glares at me, not letting me out of her line of sight.
“I knew you were working at Jake’s Retreat, and I asked to be transferred.”
She goes still, and I suck in a long breath.
“I had to see you again, and I pulled some favors to get sent here.”
Her expression is stony. “How did you know I was here?”
I run a hand down my jaw. “I looked you up a few times over the years.”
“You’ve been keeping tabs on me?” Her voice rises.
“No. Just checking in.”
“It’s the same thing.”
She’s pissed, and I don’t blame her. I need her to understand.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Savanna. I thought your memory would fade, I thought my feelings would fade, but they didn’t. You haunted me. I wondered what you were up to and how the life you had planned out was going. But I didn’t want to interrupt your studies.”
“So you what, stalked me?”
“No.” I shake my head. “It’s all in here.”
I throw the envelope on the table, and she eyes it warily. I slide it toward her, and she uncrosses her arms and picks it up.
I watch her expression as she opens the stained envelope and pulls out the photos printed off the internet, the edges worn and crinkled from the many times I pulled them out while I was on deployment. Her smiling face cheering me up during the darkest hours.
She sinks into a chair as she flips through the pictures. Savanna at graduation with her parents smiling proudly by her side, Savanna sitting on the porch of her parents’ place, Savanna out with friends in a bar, happy, carefree. Enjoying her life.
“This is how you knew my parents had moved.”
“Yes.”
She doesn’t say anything else as she turns over each photo, every bit of evidence that I never stopped caring for her. I wait for her to speak, but she’s retreated into herself and put up a wall I can’t breach.
“I scoured your social media feeds, bracing myself to see you with someone else. I wanted you to move on and be happy, but it also terrified me. Instead of you moving on and marrying someone, you forged your own path. You moved here and bought a house on your own, and I began to think maybe I had a chance.”
I swallow hard, but she doesn’t say anything. I keep talking, needing her to understand.
“When I was injured, I called in a favor and got transferred here. I had to see you. I thought I would get you out of my system, that I would find you settled with someone, or you’d be hideously ugly and a mean person.
But instead, I found the opposite. I found a beautiful, smart, caring woman, and I fell in love with you all over again. ”
She stuffs the pictures back into the envelope and looks up at me. I almost recoil at the blank expression on her face. There’s no warmth, no laughter, just professional indifference.
“You made the decision for me again, Logan.”
“What do you mean?”
“Instead of contacting me to stay in touch, you do this.”
“I didn’t want to interrupt your studies. And I didn’t think you wanted to see me.”
“You didn’t give me the option. For eleven years.”
I hang my head as I finally understand. I tried to do what was best for Savanna, but I never asked Savanna what she wanted.
She should have been able to choose eleven years ago. We should have discussed our situation and decided together. I fucked it up, and I kept fucking it up.
“You’re right. I didn’t let you choose.”
She stands up, and we face off across the table.
“Thank you for showing me this.” Her voice is flat, and it sends a chill down my spine. “I’d like you to leave.”
I open my mouth to protest and shut it again. This is her choice. She knows all of it now. She knows the best and the worst of me, and now she gets to decide if she forgives me or not.
“Understood.”
I head to the door. There’s nothing more I can say. It’s up to Savanna now to make her choice.