34. Chapter 30
Zoe
Fighting the trembling of my hands, I get the key into the lock on the third try. The lights in the apartment are off…
…and for the first time, this place doesn’t feel safe.
Eli’s sitting on the couch, hunched over, staring at the floor.
I would like to go to him, hug him, and comfort him. But I can’t. Not now.
That evening, Damien tore something else out of my soul. He robbed me of a part of myself. A hole appeared inside me. I can’t describe. I don’t know what’s missing, but I know something is.
I can’t take care of Eli because I’m broken myself. Empty. Impure. It feels like something inside me has been tainted, and the stain is permanent.
Carelessly, I toss my purse onto the floor. Let hell swallow it up.
I ignore everything and go get a glass of water. That’s when Eli loses it.
“Where the fuck were you? Where did he take you? I asked you and begged you to get out of his sight. Over and over, but you’re so stubborn.
You’re putting yourself at risk even though we know you’ll get nowhere with him!
And for what? To top it off, Ryker lost contact with you.
He hasn’t heard a thing. He’s been losing his mind, and frankly, so have we all! ”
I feel his screams hitting my back. But my eyes are stuck on the glass of water; I can’t look away.
“He took me on his yacht,” I whisper.
“On his yacht! On a fucking yacht? Wonderful! Did you have fun?”
The contents of my stomach rise to my throat; bitterness stings my mouth.
“Aisling is his boss, not a prisoner. You were right. And Aiden plays an important role in all this, but I don’t think he’s trying to win their favor,” I say, relaying what I’ve learned.
“Fuck this shit! Goddamn it, Zoe! It drove me crazy worrying about you, and you didn’t even give a single sign! Don’t you understand I love you? Look at me, for God’s sake!”
“Then stop yelling at me already. Stop.” My voice is barely louder than a whisper, but my hand slams down on the counter with a thud.
Doing as he asks, I turn to him. Raising my head, looking him in the face feels like an insurmountable effort. One glimpse into his eyes and he’ll know. At least, that’s what I think.
It would be so much easier if he weren’t here right now.
Are you sure? Is that really what you want?
Everything is spinning in my head.
I feel dirty. Inside and out.
The pain between my legs has eased, but it hasn’t gone away completely. A reminder of my own poor judgment. Of my mistakes and my pride.
I believed I had everything under control, that I could destroy them without facing the consequences. Meanwhile, I destroyed more than I could have ever imagined.
The mark of his hands on my body is still there. Left by him.
“Zoe—” Warm hands land on my cheeks and gently lift my head. Inside, I’m panicking, but it’s already too late when our eyes meet. “What—what’s wrong, Zoe?”
I try to deny it, but he won’t let me.
“I see you, sweetheart. What’s going on?” he asks again, and it’s that very tone that makes my eyes fill with tears. They fall down my face in a wet trail.
“It was a mistake.” My chin shakes. “If I could, I’d turn back time…”
Eli wipes away more tears with his thumbs. I can see a struggle in his eyes. He doesn’t know what to do with me. And there are two of us with that thought.
At the memory alone…
My legs give out and I collapse to the floor, and Eli with me. He pulls me onto his lap, hugs me, and strokes my hair.
“I’m here,” he whispers as I cry even harder.
“I’m here with you, sweetheart. Let it all out.
It’s okay. I love you so much. I’m sorry I yelled.
My fear for you was immense. And that scared me even more.
I don’t know… I don’t know what I would have done…
God. You’re my everything. My entire world.
Whatever happened, I’m here for you and I always will be.
As long as you want me. I’m yours. Shhh… ”
His soothing voice is everything, his embrace a source of strength. I love him more than anything. How am I supposed to tell him that the memory of him was what got me through the worst moment of my life?
I thought childhood was the worst. That was another mistake I made. I’ve made so many mistakes…
“I have to tell you something, Eli,” I begin as soon as I can speak. “I’ll understand if you can’t stand to look at me after this.”
“Don’t say that, Raven. Nothing between us is going to change.”
“You don’t know that. I wasn’t completely honest with you. Damien wasn’t a coincidence. I mean, he was at first. When we met at that club, he seemed familiar to me. I didn’t recognize him, but I’d been searching for him.”
I wipe the last tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath.
The nausea is coming back again, like an ocean wave. Right now, it seems like a permanent part of my life.
“I’m confused,” he admits.
“Back when you found the three pictures on my desk, I didn’t tell you there were actually four of them. Damien is his middle name; his first name is Zade. Zade Damien Estrada.”
“Shit. I knew there was something more to it, why you were so determined to keep this going.”
Fixing my gaze on a single point, I recall everything from the beginning.
“His eyes and name seemed familiar. I looked him up. It seemed like Damien Estrada’s story began when he was twenty. Before that, he didn’t exist. But it wouldn’t stop bothering me. One night, a nightmare made me finally understand. He was the man I’d been after.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Eli’s voice is hoarse. There's no doubt a part of him is hurt by my lack of honesty. And rightly so.
“Because you would have stopped me. You wouldn’t have let me stay in his orbit for even a moment.
As a child, he was the quietest of us all.
The quietest and most dangerous. He observed, he planned…
He was damn smart. The others often acted on impulse, but he never did.
He rarely came near me, but when he did, his cruelty was the worst. I wanted to find his weak spot, and while I was at it, learn the truth about Aisling. ”
“You’re right, I would never have allowed it. And neither would Ryker if he knew the truth.”
I close my eyes because what I have to tell him will change everything. Everything hurts. Every part of my body. But the worst pain I carry is in my soul and heart.
“What happened there today?” he asks after a brief pause.
“He’s the one who sent the cat’s head. He got to the surveillance footage before you and started following that trail. Found my real identity. Knew who I was. Gave me earrings so I’d take off the ones from you guys. Put the puzzle together.”
Eli moves back as far as the lockers behind him allow. “What?”
“Please don’t look at me while I’m saying this.
I can’t… I can’t look you in the eyes, Eli.
” I feel him gazing at me with concern. My head falls back onto his chest. The rhythm of his heartbeat calms me.
“Then he took me to the cabin. I thought he wanted something more this time, and I tried to wriggle free. That’s when he said my real name.
He ripped the pendant from my neck before I could react and before I could press the hidden button. Then he ripped my panties off and…”
My breath cuts off. “I fought with everything I had… Believe me, Eli. I fought, but he was stronger. He held my hands and… I fought with everything I had. You have to believe me, Eli. I fought…” I squeeze my eyes shut.
“But he wouldn’t let me go. Only the thought of you got me through it. I’m sorry. So sorry.”
Silence falls in the apartment. Only our breaths leave a trace behind.
Eli’s hand stops stroking me, though it doesn’t fall from my shoulder.
No one utters a word. This terrifies me. Everything terrifies me. I'm scared to open my eyes.
Is this when I lose him?
Tears well up, blurring my vision, as a heavy ache settles deep in my chest.
Somehow, courage suddenly surges within me, and this time I tilt my head back to look at him.
Staring straight ahead, Eli is breathing hard. His beautiful eyes shine with an inner light, like dew-kissed petals, soon to be joined by my own recently fallen tears. His jaw tightens, and when his eyes lock with mine, a hollow ache resonates from a place words cannot reach.
I’ve just broken his heart.
A sob escapes my throat. I’ve ruined everything. Him, myself, our entire future. Nothing will ever be the same again.
“Please say something,” I beg. “It’s all my fault, I know that. I’ll understand whatever you say. I’ll understand if you don’t want to—”
“Don’t even finish that. It’s not your fault.
It’s his. He’s—Jesus. He’s dead. I’m sorry, Zoe.
For everything. I don’t have the words right now to express how fucking sorry I am, how much I regret being a self-absorbed idiot.
And while I was wallowing in sadness that you didn’t want to be my wife, maybe you’re with me out of pity…
you were fighting. And I could have pulled my head out of my ass and prevented this, forced you to stay here.
I could have listened in on every one of your meetings, and maybe I would have sensed that something was wrong. ”
Why? Why is he taking the blame?
The tears won't stop flowing; everything blurs into a single haze.
“It’s not your fault, Eli. Not even for a second.”
“It’s not yours either. I let you down, Zoe. I didn’t keep you safe, and I’m sorry for that. I know it doesn’t change anything. Oh God, please forgive me. I don’t know what to do. Do you want to go to the police to report it? To the hospital?”
“No, no way. I want to wash his touch off me. When I asked him why he didn’t just kill me, he said this would be a worse punishment. I’d feel disgusted with myself and my body. And he was right. It’s already happened.”
In response, Eli’s arms tighten around me. “Your body is the most beautiful home for your soul. We’ll get through this together. I promise you, sweetheart. Nothing has changed for me, except maybe that I love you even more.”
How is that possible?
“I love you too, Eli,” I confess directly to his heart hidden within his chest. “I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore. These tears—”
“These tears are the first tears I’ve shed since I can remember. Since I was a little boy. We’ll get through this, Zoe. Together. I’ll never leave you. And he’ll pay for this. I swear on my life that he’ll cry just as we have.”
And I believe him.
I close my eyes and we sit there together, nestled against each other. I don’t know for how long, but it doesn’t matter. The man holding me is all I need.