Chapter 33
Theodore Knight
M y body stills as I step into an ice bath. I force my mind to wander, avoiding the tingling sensations in my muscles and racing heart rate.
The Lakewood Devils lost and it is all my fault. This game would decide where we would play our first game during the play-offs and I had the chance to make it a home game but I failed.
I had lost us the game before even touching the ball. My panic attack before the game invaded my mind and I couldn't focus on anything other than the bile in my throat and the people in the stands who expected victory.
Taking a deep breath, I look down at my fingers. Wrinkles line the tips of my fingers, as purple discolouration sets in. I snatch the towel from the rack next to me and wrap it around my shivering body. It provides minimal warmth as I dress into my heavily dishevelled suit.
I exit the recovery rooms, finding the rest of the team packing their bags in the changing room. The silence consumes the room, no one daring to utter a word. I take my seat next to Austin, as we wait for Coach to come debrief us.
My eyes trace the room, landing on Jake Price. He doesn’t break our eye contact. But I’m not in the mood for a pissing contest.
The past month of training I have had on and off days with Jake always there to pick up the pieces after I fail. His arrogant smirks haunt my dreams and his piercing glare is finally going to make me crack.
“If you have something to say, Price just spit it out.” I say, returning his intense stare.
“If you weren’t so distracted for the past week, maybe we would have fucking won.”
My blood is boiling. I am trying to stay calm, take deep breaths and yet, all I want to do if break his fucking nose. Jake’s next comment sealed his fate:
“But I’m sure daddy’s influence will keep you on the team,”
Red.
I see fucking red .
I’ve never been one for violence but Price has had it coming since the beginning of the year. I stride over to him and block out all of our teammates’ yelling. I slam my fist into his nose.
The crunch of Jake’s bones echoes in the shed, he is holding his nose which has blood running out.
Jake Price is your typical rich asshole, who has never experienced any hardship in his life. Austin and Julian tug me away from Jake, while our other teammates pull Jake away from my reach.
“You don’t know fucking shit. Don’t mention my father again,” I breathe deeply, anger still coursing through me. I don’t register what I’m saying until the words are falling out of my mouth.
“Do you want to know why I have been so out of it this past month? It has been four years since my mum killed herself leaving me with a shitty ass father who only cares about me as a football player.”
My fists clench and my eyes become glassy with tears on the verge of coming out. “I don’t tell people who my father is for a fucking reason. And all you’ve done is throw it in my face for the past year. I’m sorry I played like shit and lost the game but some of us have things going on outside of a game.”
Silence consumes the room and you could cut the tension with a knife.
I can't stay here any longer.
I shrug off Austin and Julian—who were still holding me. I grab my duffle bag, leaving everyone else behind. I can’t be here right now. All I want to do is be alone and stop thinking about everything.
Tears slip from my eyes as my mind wanders back to the changing rooms. I escaped as soon as I could. Forgetting everything, I came to my favourite spot.
It was isolated and hard to find behind the tree cover. The cliff looks towards the city, while the mountains could be seen slightly despite the distance. After finding it in freshman year, it became my secret hide away.
I rub my hands over my face, letting out a sigh. The game was a fucking disaster. Everything with my mum and my dad and—
Jazmine.
Fuck. She probably thinks I forgot about her. Digging through my bag, I found my phone.
Theodore Knight:
Princess, I am so sorry I ran off. I’ll send you my location, I don’t want you to worry.
“Theo, it’s okay.”
I whip my head towards the angelic voice. I must be seeing things. Jazmine Allen is standing five feet from me. I try to open my mouth, to speak, to say anything. Nothing comes.
Jazmine closes the gap between us and tugs me into a warm embrace. Instinctively, I wrap my arms around her waist as she tightens her hold of my neck. Unable to hold them in, tears descend on my face.
“I’ve got you Theo. Let it out,”
The sobs fall freely, tears running down my face. The grief and struggles that have clouded my head for the past four years melt as Jazmine tightens her arms around me.
For once in my life, I’ve found a home outside the football field. Jazmine Allen is my home and I never want to leave.
“You’re here,” I whisper into her shirt. “I didn’t forget about you I promise. I was just—”
“It doesn’t matter. As long as you are okay, I don’t care.”
We hold each other in silence. In the past, it would worry me if there was nothing for me to say. But at this moment, I realise sometimes nothing needs to be said between two people who care about the other.
Jazmine breaks the hug and resumes a place beside me on the back of my open car trunk. She intertwined our fingers before she spoke. “What happened Theo? And I don’t just mean today,”
My chest heaves. “I know,”
“I wanted to say something but I also hoped you would come to me if something was wrong.” Jazmine pauses, her gaze finds mine. “We face everything together from now on. I know you like to take care of me, but I want to do that for you too.”
I steady myself by taking a deep breath. My thoughts are all over the place and I don’t want to put all of that onto Jazmine. “I just—” My eyes shut and hand squeezing Jazmine’s. “For once I just want the fucking universe to be on my side. Seems like everything always goes against me. ”
When Jaz doesn’t reply, I continue. “I want to tell you everything but it’s…it’s really heavy and hard to talk about,”
“That’s okay, you can stop whenever you want.”
Here goes nothing. “The summer before my senior year of high school my mum killed herself,”
Jazmine gasps, her hand squeezing mine. “Theo,” her voice breaks.
“Everything was normal. It was Friday afternoon and I was looking for her. She was a professor at the University of Texas but she never worked on Fridays.” I pause.
Fuck. I have never told anyone about my mum. I didn’t think it would be this hard. My hands shake and I push back the rising pain in my body.
“I searched the house and the last place I had to look was the bathroom. Everything was such a blur but, in my gut, I knew something was wrong." My voice cracks as I continue. "The bathroom door was ajar and mum didn’t respond when I called out.”
“The first time my heart ever shattered was seeing her unmoving on the cold white tiles. I tried to wake her, but nothing happened. I could barely see anything because I was sobbing hysterically. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a bottle of pills.
“A few months before the car accident she and her parents were in. My mum was lucky, only sustaining a concussion and a couple of broken ribs. My grandparents on the other hand—” I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut. “My grandfather died on impact and my grandma died after surgery complications. ”
Jazmine's sobs carry into my ears. “Theo," she whispers. "This is…” Jaz pulls me into a tighter hug as if I’m going to disappear if she lets go. “Keep going,” she mutters into my neck.
I wrap my arms around her before continuing.
“The pills were oxycodone. The doctor prescribed them after the accident. I was stuck, part of me wanted to freeze but I didn’t want her to—” I stop, the words on my tongue taste metallic. “I called 911 and had to perform CPR until the ambulance arrived. She barely had a pulse and wasn’t breathing. I knew she was gone but I didn’t want to give up. One of the paramedics had to pull me off of her. There was nothing they could do,”
“Was it the survivor's guilt? After the car accident?” Jazmine asked, pulling away from me.
I nod. “She left me and my dad a letter each. Mum felt it was her fault because my grandparents picked her up from a conference she had attended."
I swallow back my sobs, trying to regain strength in my voice. "Afterwards, I completely lost it. My lifestyle consisted of parties every weekend, drinking to forget and using sex to distract myself. Losing my mum was the worst pain I have ever felt. So, I made a promise to myself that I would never have vulnerable emotions for a woman, I couldn’t bear to lose another important person in my life.
“Looking back, I’m not proud of how I used women. They were basically an object for me to release tension and make myself feel better. Then I met you and everything changed, ”
Jazmine is the person I never saw coming. If I lost her, I don’t think I could come back from that.
“And your dad?”
“He became distant and removed all of his emotions. He didn’t even realise the depths my depression had reached until my face was splashed across the local newspaper and called his reputation in question. When the Dean of Lakewood reached out to say I was going to lose my offer, I cleaned my act up. I found a therapist, which helped for a little bit, but once I thought my problems were fixed, I stopped going.
“My relationship with my dad became non-existent when I moved to Arizona. I felt like the only thing he wanted was for me to play football and make him look good. He and my grandfather played in the NFL, so the goal has always been to go pro.”
Hearing my dad yelling at me from the distance was a punch to my fucking gut. I know I played horribly, but verbally lashing out at me wasn’t the answer. Do I even want to see him again? Does that make me an awful son?
“Okay, so I’m going to say this now, but—” Guilt washes over Jazmine’s features.
“What is it?” I ask sceptically.
“So, I may have run into your father after the game.”
My eyes widened with fear. “If he—”
“No, I’m fine. But I gave him a piece of my mind,”
My face was probably stained with tears and yet, a smile formed on my lips. I am so far gone for this girl. “You stuck up for me, Princess?”
“Yeah, I did,” Jazmine cracks her knuckles—another nervous tick she has—and swallows. “You’re my favourite person, Theo. I won’t let anyone, even your father, think they can walk all over you.”
My vision blurs with tears as I take in Jazmine’s comment. I’m her favourite person. God, all my dreams are coming to fucking life.
“You’re my favourite person too, Princess,”
We turn our heads towards the horizon. The sky is a canvas of colours: pink and orange combining, while yellow is being drained behind the mountains.
Jaz and I sit in silence as we bask in the afterglow, hoping our problems will disappear like the sun.