17. AVERY #2
“Darker hair…” I muse. He’s not wrong. I was that child in her fancy cotton or velvet dresses with braids, bows, and buns. “There was no Sunday school at our church. We sat in the front row every week, come rain or shine.”
“Is that why Rafe goes to church too? I’ve heard Rowan give him shit, and I don’t think Callie has ever stepped foot in a church since I’ve known her…”
“Maybe. I know that Rafe started attending church with our family five or six years ago. I stopped going after Mom died.”
“Why?”
“I guess I was angry. They were good people, you know? Always doing the right thing and following all the rules…and one day she got sick and ended up in hospital. We thought it was pneumonia, turns out it was advanced-stage lung cancer, and within four months she was gone. Just like that. She didn’t smoke, barely drank, and she was the best person I’ve ever known. So much like Jo.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, and besides, I’m beginning to learn that being a good person doesn’t mean anything. You don’t get extra brownie points or holy tokens or whatever good juju you think you might get. It is what it is…”
Brushing my hair back, Rhett tucks me back into him so that he can hold my gaze.
“Rowan told me once that it’s not about what you do, it’s about what you learn from it…
good or bad. The lessons we learn shape us.
They make us better than the people we started off with the vision and intention of being. ”
“Basically, everything happens for a reason.”
“Basically,” he snickers, touching the tip of his nose to mine. “You know Rowan—he likes to be extra about shit, so…”
“He and Callie are similar in that way.”
“Yeah, they are.”
“It must be nice having a sibling.” He bursts out laughing as though I’ve just said the funniest thing. “What’s so funny?”
“Rowan and I haven’t always been…brotherly.”
“Oh…”
“We’re good now. It was an everything happens for a reason thing.” Still holding my gaze, Rhett presses a kiss to my nose. It’s incredible how secure he makes me feel. I’m safe with him, but even if he’s not with me, I don’t know…I could take on anything.
It’s something brand-new because I always felt like just Avery, hidden somewhere behind my parents or Carl. But not with him. With Rhett I’m at the forefront, and it’s an empowering place to be.
“Rowan and I have always been different. I think when we got to our teens we grew apart, and then I got married…he wasn’t exactly my ex-wife’s biggest fan.”
“In a way he had your back, don’t you think?”
“I suppose you’re right, but he’s such a good guy that when my marriage blew up, we clashed. I was a miserable bastard, and he was Rowan with the funny jibes.”
I can tell that’s not the whole story because he looks away, searching for something else to focus on. It’s one of the things I’ve learned about Rhett—he won’t look you in the eyes when he’s hiding from you.
“I can’t imagine Rowan making jokes out of your situation.
I can’t imagine what it was like for you.
Iris was…I came off my pill, and a month later I was pregnant.
If I’m honest, I didn’t even want to get pregnant.
I kept hoping that I was…it feels awful thinking about it now, knowing how hard it was for you. Yeah, I can’t fathom Mar—”
“He doesn’t know,” he cuts me off brusquely.
It’s the first time he’s felt closed off from me, and a part of me wants to kick myself for talking about it. For trying to put my thoughts into perspective with my experience, when he is still hurting over the past.
“I’m sorry, I…we don’t have to talk about it.”
With a light scoff, he searches my face while his arms slacken around me. Had it been when I first got here or maybe a few months ago, I would’ve let him pull away and turned a blind eye, but I know better now. And I am better.
Threading my fingers with his, I grasp both of his hands and tug them until his arms are wrapped tightly around me again.
“We don’t have to talk about it, but you said you wanted to know all there is of me. That you want more of me. Well, the same goes for me. I want to know every part of you, if you’ll let me.”
He nods, squeezing my hands as he tells me, “She had a baby a few years after we divorced. A little boy.”
“Oh…that must be difficult.”
“Call it karma for the way I treated her.”
“Or maybe it’s an everything happens for a reason thing.
You could’ve had a child together and been in a similar situation to mine where I’m stuck with Carl no matter what.
Or you could still be unhappily married with a child that you would have to protect from your feelings.
That doesn’t sound fair to the child or you.
” And I know what I’m talking about because it’s what I’ve done for years.
I’ve forced myself to believe that I wanted too much from Carl and our marriage, when in fact, I only wanted to be happy and loved and to share that with Iris.
“Maybe I wouldn’t be here with you, and that—” Something akin to a soft grin finally softens his anguish. “That would be a tragedy.”
“It would.”
We sit for a while, watching Iris run around with Breeze.
The two are inseparable, and there is a bit of competition between Breeze and Cap over her attention.
It’s a good thing her bed is low enough that Cap can still get onto it and wide enough that both he and Breeze can sleep with her every night.
“Do you want more kids?” Rhett asks when I shuffle to sit beside him so that we can set out the food he brought. I’m still not sure what exactly it is because he didn’t let me open the basket, but he looks far too happy with himself for it to be something expected.