Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
CHLOE
I couldn’t remember a time when I’d ever felt as worried as I did now that I was in Hawk’s vehicle with him on our way to dinner.
The nervousness was such an uncomfortable feeling, and I was willing to do anything to make it stop. Unfortunately, something prevented me from trying to come up with a plan to erase the discomfort.
Fear, perhaps?
While I didn’t fear for my physical safety around Hawk—he’d always been gentle with me—the same couldn’t be said about my heart. He didn’t take care to protect my emotions.
Three days.
Three days of silence. Of being shut out.
Three days of knowing I’d screwed it all up.
Three entire days without seeing or hearing from him.
They’d been the most miserable days of my whole life.
I hadn’t been lying in my cake shop this afternoon when I told Hawk I’d missed him. And though I should’ve been reassured when he instantly made me a promise afterward, I wasn’t.
Because I was analyzing everything he did now. The feel of his touch, the look in his eyes, and the words he said.
Hawk had promised never to leave me like that again. So, he didn’t say he’d never leave, just that he’d be better about it the next time.
And dinner. The promise of an evening together, having dinner with him, would’ve sent me over the moon days ago. To some extent, I couldn’t say I was mad about it now. I was glad for any time I had with Hawk.
But then he said we’d talk tonight.
That’s when I went from feeling bad to worse.
Because what if he’d taken the last three days to consider our budding relationship and decided he couldn’t trust me after what I’d done. I’d agonized over it for days.
At this point, there wasn’t anything I could do to change or stop whatever was going to happen. So, I sat back and waited.
And the next thing I knew, Hawk had pulled his truck to a stop and put it in park. Confused, I looked over at him and asked, “Where are we? What’s going on?”
His features were soft, warm. “This is my place. I’m making dinner for you tonight.”
Hawk didn’t give me a chance to respond before he exited the truck.
As I waited for him to round it, I tried to tamp down the worry that consumed me.
From the start, Hawk had made it clear that traditional dates at restaurants likely wouldn’t be something we’d do very often, if at all.
But I wondered if tonight’s dinner at his place was about strategy.
Would he rather be here instead of out in public because it’d be easier to break things off with me without a scene or an audience?
With how badly my insides were trembling, I was glad Hawk was gentleman enough to open my door, help me out, and hold my hand as he escorted me inside. If he hadn’t, I was convinced I would’ve tripped over my own two feet.
No sooner had we gotten inside, Hawk said, “Dinner won’t take long, since I’ve already done some prep work. Would you like a glass of wine while I finish everything?”
I jerked my chin down slightly. “Sure.”
His head tipped to the side, his eyes searching my face. “Chloe…”
“What?”
“You… You seem so uneasy.”
Shifting back and forth on my feet, my hands fidgeting in front of me, I said, “I’m afraid.”
Hawk stumbled back. “Of me?”
“Not like that,” I assured him. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me. It’s just that I’m worried about tonight.”
“What specifically is bothering you?”
I licked my lips. If this was going to be my last opportunity to speak with him, there was no sense in holding anything back.
Plus, he deserved to hear an apology. “You told me at the cake shop that we’d talk tonight, and I’m terrified you’re going to tell me that you don’t want to continue seeing me. ”
He reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. Was that meant to be comforting? Or was it his way of letting me know I’d figured it out?
Tears welled in my eyes. “I’m so embarrassed, Hawk. Mortified about what I did. And I feel so much regret over not listening to you. I took advantage of the situation and forced you to experience something you weren’t ready for. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
By the time I’d gotten that out, I couldn’t hold myself back any longer. The tears spilled down my cheeks, and I broke down sobbing.
Hawk’s arms were immediately around me, his hands stroking up and down my back, his lips in my hair at the top of my head, alternating between kissing me and murmuring sweet words to soothe me.
I’d gotten myself all dolled up for this occasion, because I figured that even if he was going to end it between us, I wanted to look good when it happened.
And now, all that effort would go down the drain.
It wouldn’t matter what I was wearing or how good this dress looked on me.
My face would be blotchy and swollen and hideous.
It took a while for me to settle, and when I did, Hawk tugged lightly on my hair and urged me to look at him. “I have no interest in ending things with you, Chloe. None at all.” Hope surged in my chest. “The blame for what happened the other night does not rest solely on your shoulders.”
“But you told me you wanted to go slow, and I ignored you when you said you wanted to stop,” I reminded him. “If that happened the other way around, do you think the blame would be shared?”
His eyes glittered with rage. “Absolutely not.”
God, I felt so sick over what I’d done to him. And knowing what he’d defended his sister from, what he’d gone to jail over…
“So, why should I get a free pass?”
“Sweetness, I was plenty capable in that situation,” he argued.
“I know. You asked me to stop, and I ignored you.”
“And you don’t think I could’ve easily moved you off me?” he countered. My lips parted in surprise. “Chloe, you didn’t take advantage of me. I wasn’t intoxicated or incapable of making decisions. What happened between us was very different than what you’re describing.”
Part of me felt some relief, but there were still concerns. “I think you’re saying that now, but you didn’t feel that way in the moment. You were furious with me.”
“Yes and no.” Hawk reached up and ran his fingertip along my temple in a gentle caress before pushing a lock of hair away from my face.
“I was upset that you didn’t stop, but it’s not because I felt taken advantage of.
I’m substantially stronger than you. If I’d wanted it to stop, I could’ve made it stop. I could’ve removed you from my lap.”
“Why didn’t you?”
He struggled against a smile. “I enjoyed what was happening between us. And you were so fucking hot. The way you moaned, those whimpers… Chloe, I’ll never forget the sound of them for the rest of my life.
I thought you were close, that maybe you could get what I sensed you needed before I lifted you off my lap. But that didn’t happen.”
I could’ve sworn I saw a flush of pink creep over his cheeks. “You were so angry. Why didn’t you tell me this that day?”
“I was embarrassed. It’s… As a man, I’m not sure there’s anything worse than not being able to see to a woman before myself. And in my situation, it’s been a very long time, so it’s even more difficult. That’s another big part of the reason I wanted us to take things slow.”
“I thought you were worried I’d get to know you and decide that dating you was a bad idea.”
Nodding, he said, “I was. But that’s not the only reason I wanted to go slow. The physical relationship was weighing on me, too. Because I like you a lot, and just kissing you drives me wild. The last thing I want is for us to take that step and turn out to be a disappointment to you.”
Everything hit me all at once.
It wasn’t long after I’d met him that I’d noticed the way he responded to casual physical affection. So many years had passed without him having any of that, and getting it from me had thrown him off. No wonder intimacy was something he wanted to ease into with me.
“You could never disappoint me, Hawk. Honest. That day, watching you, I thought it was beautiful. And I loved knowing I’d done that to you, for you.”
“I hate that you didn’t get what you should have.” His arm tightened around me. “I’m sorry that I blew up on you instead. That’s why I wanted to make dinner for you tonight. I need to make it up to you.”
“Well, this is certainly unexpected. I feel better now that we talked about it. You aren’t mad at me, are you?”
Hawk shook his head. “Not at all.”
I held his stare for a few beats before I smiled at him. “I’m glad. And so very relieved.”
“There it is.”
My brows pulled together. “What?”
“Your smile. That’s the first time you’ve smiled at me since that night.”
I hadn’t realized that was the case, but now that he’d pointed it out, I could certainly believe it. I hadn’t felt happy at all over the last few days.
Grin growing, I asked, “So, what’s for dinner?”
He returned the smile. “It’s a surprise. Let me get you that glass of wine first.”
With that, Hawk led me away from the front door and deeper into the space until we were in the kitchen, where he poured me a glass of wine and got started on dinner.
“I can’t believe you did this.”
For three days, I’d been convinced that Hawk and I were over. And now I was here at his place eating steak, mashed potato cakes, and Caesar salad. He’d gone to the trouble of learning how to make them simply because he knew how much I loved potatoes.
It was incredible how much my mood had improved since he’d picked me up.
“You deserved something extra special. I just hope you like them.”
I slid my fork through one and slipped a bite into my mouth. They were scrumptious. “Oh my gosh. This is delicious.”
“You like it?”
I nodded. “They’re so good. I had no idea you knew how to cook.”
“I don’t.” When I sent him a questioning look, Hawk added, “I went to visit my sister yesterday. I told her about you and all but begged her to teach me something.”
“And did she decide on potatoes?”
Hawk’s lips twitched. “I might’ve mentioned they were your favorite.”