~ 13 ~ #2
I took my phone out and took her picture. I wanted to capture this moment with her, too.
We reached our tube stop and I led Rona off.
We rode the escalator up, Rona in front of me.
I wanted to wrap my arms around her and breathe her in but didn’t.
Rona moved with the air and confidence of a Londoner, attracting little attention, but she was also luminous if you looked closely.
Thankfully everyone was too much in their own worlds to notice us.
Rona was quiet as we walked towards my former stadium. I wasn’t sure she knew where it was. It wasn’t until we rounded the street and the giant stadium was right in front of us that she recognised it. “Is this what I think it is? Your old club?”
I nodded.
She squeezed my arm and then held my hand. “Are we going in?”
“Yes.”
“Yay! This is so cool! How is this even possible?”
“I pulled in a few favours. The stadium doesn’t get used at this time. It’s empty except for the groundskeepers. I wanted to show you the place that meant so much to me for so long.”
Rona stopped walking and held my waist. We locked eyes as a gust of air blew our hair over our faces. She let hers fly and fixed mine behind my ears. Her lips were full and pink, matching the colour in her cheeks. “Your stage. I can’t wait to see it.”
She dropped her eyes to my lips for a second and I must have done the same. I craved her warmth. Her smell. Her touch. We tilted our heads towards each other. I closed my eyes.
The kiss was soft and slow, neither of us doing much other than pressing our lips together. We’d done so much together already but this kiss was the gentlest.
A giant bus trundled past us and we pulled apart.
We exchanged soft and shy smiles and didn’t say much after the kiss. I held her hand, feeling butterflies in my stomach, and something click into place.
The club was my past and Rona was my future.
I pointed things out to Rona as we made our way into the main entrance, past statues of old greats in the men’s game and huge glass panelled doors draped in the club’s colours of red and white.
I told her that this was the club my whole family had always supported, back when it was only a male team, all the way through to present day, with the women’s, too.
It was a big part of my childhood. I used to come to this place with my dad to watch games and dream of being a player and winning trophies.
That I got to actually do it was still kind of surreal, now that I was looking back on it all.
Tony, the head groundskeeper met us in reception after I let security know I was here. He was dressed in all green overalls, just the same as ever.
“There she is! Thought you’d forgotten about us, Lily!” Tony patted my shoulder. I’d missed him.
“How could I?”
“I saw you on the BBC; you were brilliant!”
“Nah. Just mouthy.”
“Nothing new there then,” he laughed.
“This is my friend Rona.” I instantly regretted calling her this but then again, it was all so new.
“Welcome to the club, Rona. Come on through and I’ll let Lily give you the tour.”
We followed Tony towards the tunnel to the pitch past the changing rooms.
The team was on a losing streak recently.
They’d had their worst start to the WSL since it began.
I was glad Tony didn’t bring it up. Nikki and Sophie were doing everything they could to improve the performances.
I’d been having long chats on the phone with both of them to help figure out what was going wrong, too.
Sophie felt it was the new tactics the manager had insisted on this season, while Nikki thought it was because the team were without their captain, me, and were drifting apart.
I had no answer for her, because I didn’t think that could be the case.
They needed to create a new sense of leadership within the team, and I was happy to encourage this as best I could.
Because the truth was, they needed to move on from me, too.
When we stepped into the stadium and were surrounded by sixty thousand empty seats stretched across the huge dome, Rona’s mouth fell open. “Wow,” she said.
“Not bad is it?” Tony faced us. “I’ll leave you to it.” He squeezed my shoulder on his way past. “Say cheerio before you leave, will you?”
I promised Tony I would.
Rona’s eyes were wide and bright. She looked like an excited kid. “Can we walk on the grass?”
I’d hoped she would like this date. I was slightly worried she might find it boring. But so far so good. “We can, just as long as we’re careful not to scuff it.”
We walked straight out into the middle of the pitch towards the half-way line.
The angle of the sun at this time of year, the earthy smell, the feeling of being the centre of attention in such a giant space all came flooding back.
It was strange, but it was as if I knew every square foot, every blade of grass.
This place was in body. It was in my soul.
Rona was right by my side. “How do you feel being back?”
“Great. It’s home.” My voice was higher than normal. I felt like I wasn’t verbalising something. I couldn’t put my finger on how I was feeling.
Rona nodded. “I can feel the power of this place. It must have felt electric playing here with all those seats filled.”
“It was the best feeling in the world. Especially when I was in the flow. But it’s over now.” My voice sounded flat now.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. I need to let go. I mean, I have already, but now it’s really time. It feels like the old me, not that I have a clue what the new me is yet. This isn’t my life anymore. I had a lovely send off and everything.”
Rona’s eyes were kind. “It was your whole life. It’s okay to still feel connected to it.”
I felt my eyes well up. I looked away, hoping to fuck Rona hadn’t clocked it. “It’s taking me too long to move on. I think my mind has but my heart hasn’t.”
She put her hand on my arm. “It’s okay. You’re bound to feel emotional.”
“Thanks. It’s not like me to show it, is all.”
“This was your purpose and now you’re in search of a new one.”
I searched her face. Her eyes were kind. Her heart was pure gold. I felt like I could tell her anything and she would keep my secrets safe.
“What if I never do anything as good as this in my life again? I feel like I’ve peaked. It’s depressing.”
“It’s not over for you. I think we don’t just do one great thing in life and then stop, we evolve.
You might feel like your next step is even better.
It might not feel like it right now but you’re going to continue having an impact in life, whether you like it or not. It’s your choice how you approach it.”
I absorbed her words. I appreciated her insight.
Nothing had made as much sense to me in a while.
“I like the sound of that.” I held her hand and we walked towards the goal.
I remembered the first time I played on this pitch and the pride I’d felt that day.
How I’d made my parents proud. Maybe Rona was right in that other things would come to mean a lot to me, in time.
“Can I say something else?” Rona gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Please do.”
“There’s no time limit in moving on. Like with grief, you might carry the pain of not playing for this club anymore forever. But it will change as it becomes part of you, and in time, it might not hurt so much.”
I stopped strolling. Rona stopped too. We faced each other. I searched her eyes again, feeling like I was falling into them. Where did this woman come from? How was I so lucky to have met her?
Rona shifted on her feet. “Is it okay, what I said?”
“It’s more than okay. I feel so understood. You really get me.”
A slow smile spread across Rona’s face. “I think the former captain of England is going to do great things. Someone as talented and clever as you won’t fade into the background.”
I was smiling now. All feelings of loss over my footballing career were gone, at least for now.
In its place was something hopeful about the future, something I hadn’t felt since I retired.
The whole afternoon as we were walking around London felt magical.
Like we were in the same flow we’d talked about earlier.
She was making me believe in a new life I could live.
I had a strong feeling that she was going to be a central part of that future, or at least I desperately hoped she would be.
“Will you tell me if I’m going in the wrong direction? I feel like I trust your judgement on these things.”
“I don’t think there are any true wrong directions in life, as long as you aren’t harming yourself or others. It’s all learning, right?”
“See, that’s exactly what I mean.”
Rona laughed. “If you say so.”
“Are you excited for our next thing today?”
“Honestly, everything we do together makes me excited.”
“Good. Because I’m taking you to a fancy restaurant.” I entangled our fingers together and squeezed her hand. “I booked a car and it should be here soon. I know you like the underground and stuff. But I’m trying to impress you so—”
“Everything you do impresses me, Lily.” Rona’s eyes were as misty as mine felt.
There was something locking into place between us. An energy shift. It was undeniable, down to earth, and magical all at the same time.
We headed back into the club, and I had a quick chat with Tony and some other familiar faces. Some of them looked like they were wondering what I was doing here. They all wished me well for the future and I knew it was time to finally let go.
I got a message about the car being here. I was ready to leave and move on with my life, in the fullest sense and just enjoy my evening with Rona.
I didn’t look back when I opened the door of the black SUV for Rona and got in the other side.