~ 20 ~
Lily
Scrolling on my phone doing nothing in particular, I came across another photo of me and Rona on Reddit.
In this one, we were sitting outside our favourite pub around the corner having some wine.
I still couldn’t understand why people would find us so interesting.
I was fine with giving photographers time at an awards ceremony, and even a carefully selected interview and photoshoot here and there, but the endless press and media attention about an ex-footballer such as myself and an ex-indie-pop star like Rona baffled me.
And it wasn’t just the queer community. Speculation and intrigue about our relationship was also in relatively mainstream places.
I was doing my best to maintain our privacy and keep Rona protected but it was hard when I was also trying to build a new profile as a podcaster.
I would much rather they talk about my podcast rather than who I was in a relationship with.
I stood up from the sofa, needing to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. Rona had hardly moved in hours either.
“Where are you going?” Rona asked. The skin between her eyebrows furrowed.
“Nowhere.” I scanned the room. It was full of Rona’s things. Her shoes, bags, her books and her blanket. It didn’t look like my living room anymore. “Actually, I’m going to take a walk.”
“Where?”
“Just around the corner or something. I’ll pick up some milk. Won’t be long.” I was already by the front door pulling my jacket on, careful not to hurt my shoulder. It was sore again for some reason. “Back in a bit.” The door closed behind me.
On my walk I hid under my cap, wishing I could hide under here permanently.
This morning was my only time off this week and would be for another ten days.
I’d scheduled a lot of interviews back-to-back so I could keep the momentum going with the podcast. I loved it and I couldn’t believe how happy it made me, getting to learn and grow alongside my listeners.
I had another match to commentate on at the weekend and now I was starting to write my autobiography.
I’d been approached by a publisher and had agreed to put something out in six months, as long as I could write it myself.
This meant I had to get to work, and fast.
But I was finding that I couldn’t get the rest I needed when I was around Rona every moment I wasn’t working.
I was starting to feel like I couldn’t fully relax in my own home.
I loved her deeply. I was in love with her, but lately, there was something about our relationship or my life, or maybe both, that was making me feel overwhelmed.
I wasn’t working out and running as much.
I was waking up tired after a full night’s sleep.
Our lovemaking had slowed down, to the point that it was only Rona initiating.
I was finding it hard to be present with Rona and give her the attention she needed, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
I hadn’t seen Nikki or Sophie for ages, and I’d started to feel like it was too difficult to reach out.
They were busy being professional footballers at the highest level.
I didn’t want to bother them with my stuff, especially since I knew they were so focused on coming from behind to compete for the league this year.
The only thing that made me feel relief was being on my own, which at the moment was when I was reading the books of the guests I had invited on to my podcast. It wasn’t passive reading though.
I had to make notes and grapple with their ideas and their work.
I loved this but it didn’t necessarily feel like much downtime or relief.
I pushed open the door of the local shop and the bell chimed.
Keeping my head down, I walked past the chocolate and the crisps and got a pint of milk out of the fridge.
I added a four-pack of beers and a bottle of wine to my basket and threw in a packet of biscuits.
I’d taken to drinking a bit more these days too.
I guess that was another, albeit limited, way I was able to relax.
When I got home, Rona was still lying on the sofa, scrolling on her phone now. I never saw her play music anymore. She hardly left the house. Come to think of it, we hadn’t seen any of our friends together in a while either.
I put the items in the kitchen and washed my hands. I needed to water my plants on the windowsill.
“Are you not even going to say hello when you come in the house now?”
“Huh?”
Rona sat up, cross-legged on the sofa, frowning. “You came back in, but you just ignored me.”
“I didn’t ignore you. I just popped out for ten minutes.”
“You never said hello.”
“I didn’t notice. I’m sorry. Hello.”
There was a long silence.
The last thing I wanted was a bad atmosphere on my only day off. I turned around and watered the three plants by the window. They were thirsty.
“Lily.”
“Yeah.” I pruned a few dead leaves off my little peace lilies.
“We need to talk.”
I sighed, putting the water jug down.
Rona came through to the kitchen, leant against one of the counters, and crossed her arms over her chest.
“What about?”
“About us.”
Oh shit. Here we go. I didn’t answer, afraid of where this was heading.
“Is there something wrong?” Rona asked, tentatively.
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
“Do you even want me here anymore?”
“Of course I do.” I folded my arms too and leant back against the counter opposite her. “I just wanted to relax today.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here. I thought we could spend some quality time together.”
“You’ve been on your phone all morning.”
“I’m waiting on you to show an interest in our day.”
“Do you have plans for today? For this week?”
Rona shifted on her feet. “No. Like I said, I’m waiting on you.”
“That’s just it,” I said, unable to hold it back any longer. “It feels like you’re always here waiting on me.”
“You’re the one always working.” Rona looked down. She looked sad. I felt for her, but I also felt annoyed, like I was gripped by something.
“It’s my job.”
“I feel like you’ve become distant. I feel like you’re pulling away from me, and it scares me.
You used to make plans with me, rush home, stay up late in bed, talking and stuff…
Now it’s like I’m an inconvenience to you.
You’ve shut down. I’ve been waiting to see if it was just because you were busy.
But now I feel like it is something deeper. I think we need to talk about it.”
I didn’t want to have a big conversation today. Every fibre of my being was screaming to leave the room. Leave the house. Maybe even leave the relationship. The thought scared me. “How can you say that I’m distant when I give you literally all of my free time?”
“Lily.” Rona shook her head.
“Can’t you see how important my work is to me? You knew I was at a crossroads in my career when we got together, and that not having a direction was very upsetting and destabilising for me. I finally found my way, and I need time and space to focus on it.”
“I love that you’ve found your way. It’s all the little things that you’ve stopped doing in our relationship.”
“Like what?”
Rona raised her hand in the air, in no particular direction, then dropped it. “I just said.”
“Hmmm.”
“Lily, surely you must have noticed something has changed. Maybe it’s the pressure you’re putting on yourself at work.
Maybe it’s been all this attention we’ve gotten as a couple.
You know I haven’t enjoyed that. It feels like something has crept in between us, and I want to resolve it now, in case it pushes us even further apart.
I love you and I want to know how I can best support you even at times like these, when it feels like there’s something wrong.
I’ll do anything to make it better.” Her eyes searched mine.
I took a deep breath. I loved her so much and this was why I hadn’t already run out the door. “I guess I feel overwhelmed.”
“What by?”
“By everything. Everything’s just a bit much right now.”
Rona held her hands out, palms facing up, like she was asking me what by again.
I walked past her to the living room and sat on the footstool.
She followed me and remained standing, her hands on her hips.
“It’s been a lot. Work and, well, us. We dived headfirst into this. I don’t know why, but sometimes, lately, I’ve been starting to feel a bit suffocated.”
Rona stayed quiet for a few moments. “What by?”
It was my turn to stay quiet. I hated myself for what I was about to say, but I had to. I had to let her know the truth of what I was feeling. I would never lie to her. “By you. By us. I don’t know. I don’t know why I always end up feeling like this in relationships.”
Rona nodded, slowly. “I see. I didn’t realise I was affecting you like that. I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m sorry, Rona.”
She was quiet for a very long time. “What can I do to help?”
“Would it be okay if you gave me some space for a bit?”
Disappointment fell across her face. “Sure. For how long?”
“I don’t know. Maybe a few days? Or a week? Just until I get my head around things.”
She nodded. “Absolutely. Whatever you need.” She continued nodding.
Was Rona really this fine about it? My throat felt tight. Now that the words were out of my mouth, was I willing to rock the boat as much as this?
There was a long silence.
Rona swallowed, hard. “It’s very difficult for me to hear that you’re finding me suffocating. God,” her voice quivered. “What am I even doing here.” Rona started pacing the room. She touched her head. “You never even asked me to move in and yet I spend all my time here. I feel like such an idiot.”
I stood, having expected some kind of reaction like this.
“You’re not an idiot.” I held out my arms to comfort her, wanting to make this uncomfortable conversation go away, even though I knew it had been building for a while and it was inevitable that we were going to have it, even though I didn’t like it.
Rona shook her head.
I put my arms down.