~ 20 ~ #2
Rona rubbed the back of her neck. “My work isn’t going great right now. I’m not enjoying it. But I don’t say there’s something wrong with our relationship because things are hard at work or I’m too busy.”
“It’s not like that.”
“All I do is think about you, put your needs first, love you, and now you tell me I’m suffocating you.”
“You asked me what was wrong, that’s why I told you.
I don’t know why you’ve stopped enjoying your work.
It breaks my heart. I don’t want you to stop doing all the things that you used to love doing.
It feels like all you do is wait for me these days.
I know it’s been hard for you with all the crazy photographers and stuff about us online, but it’s too much pressure.
It’s too much pressure on me.” My breathing was rapid and shallow.
My throat still felt tight. Yet, I was still annoyed.
This needed to be said. Rona was right about that.
We needed to get this stuff off our chests.
“Is there anything else you want to add?” Rona looked incredulous.
“Yes, actually. There is. There’s something that needs to be said.”
“What’s that?”
I took a deep breath. “You aren’t growing anymore in your work and that’s why you’re not enjoying it.
You’re kidding yourself that it’s enough just to produce other people.
The music that you make which is yours is fucking incredible, yet you refuse to put it out there and to put your name on it.
You could be so amazing if you just let go of this fear of being seen and this fear of rejection.
You say you don’t like the attention and the celebrity status, but I think it is something you want, deep down, because you have a talent that is unique and special.
That’s why you keep working with all these top artists.
You want recognition for your work. You want to be significant in the world, but you won’t fully let yourself.
I wonder when you learned to be invisible.
It might have kept you safe before but it’s holding you back now. ”
Rona stepped back from me. A coldness came into her eyes. Her face hardened. “What?”
“Fear of being seen shouldn’t be the reason you don’t strive to become the best version of yourself.”
“Who says I’m not becoming the best version of myself?”
I tilted my head. “Rona, come on. You never leave the sofa. You said yourself things aren’t going great at work.”
“There’s more to life than work. Relationships. Family and friends. Hobbies.”
“You’ve hardly been seeing anyone except me.”
Rona recoiled even further. “Why are you attacking my insecurities? Why are you pushing me away?”
“I’m not meaning to. You said we needed to talk.
I’m just letting you know that I feel like you might be focusing on me a bit too much, and I wonder if you should redirect some of that energy back into yourself.
I want you to become the artist, no, the person, you’re meant to be.
But there’s more to it. I don’t think it’s just because we’re in a new relationship and you want to spend all of your time with me.
It feels like you’re using me to avoid the discomfort of not moving forward in your own career.
It’s putting too much pressure on me, and I feel it. ”
“Why didn’t you say anything? I feel like such a fool running after you while all the time you’ve been feeling like this.”
“You’re not a fool. It’s more a recent thing. Kind of. I’ve always thought you should release your own music.”
“I feel humiliated.”
“And I feel stressed.”
“You see me as an add-on to your life, don’t you? Why did we even get together if you’re not ready or able to have a real relationship? Thing is, you said you were.”
“That’s unfair.”
“Is it?”
“Rona, you know I love you.”
Another long silence took over.
Rona swallowed, hard.
My breathing was still shallow. My heart was racing.
“I had no idea how hurtful you could be,” Rona said, quietly.
Her words hit me like fire. I was trying to help her and be more honest, but that I’d hurt her cut me very deep.
Hurting the person you love was the absolute worst feeling.
“I’m not trying to be. I’m trying to help you.
I believe in you. But you’re too afraid of putting yourself out there and this inactivity is eating you up.
I think you’re not moving forward because you aren’t facing up to your talent.
If that makes me a bad partner, then I don’t know what anything is anymore. ”
“This is you trying to be kind to me?”
“Rona, take a moment and see it from my point of view.”
“I can see it from your point of view. I don’t agree with it.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “Don’t listen to me then.”
“I do listen to you. I spend ages talking to you about your ideas for the podcast. I know how passionate you are about it. I listen to all of it.”
My head felt like it was pulsating. I’d been clenching my teeth, so I loosened my jaw. I took a deep breath to calm down.
Rona continued. “I’m just trying to get my head around what you’re saying to me. So, you’re feeling overwhelmed and you think I need to push myself further in my career, like you’re doing with yours. You think I’m focusing too much on our relationship. Is that correct?”
“Well, yes.”
Rona was quiet for a while. I took the moment to pause as well, worried I’d gone too far.
“You went through such a massive change so quickly, Lily. One minute famous footballer winning awards, next minute high-profile podcaster. You hardly paused at all after your football career ended, and now you say you’re overwhelmed and you think it’s because of our relationship.”
“Like I said, it’s a mix of everything.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Why do you drink so much?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been a bit concerned.”
“You have?”
“It feels like you have to have a drink every day and it feels a little problematic. You drink so hard when we go out, too. You can handle your drink well, but is it good for you?”
“I don’t have to have a drink every day. I can take it or leave it. I’m not an alcoholic.”
“I know you’re not an alcoholic.”
“I don’t drink that much. There’s nothing wrong with a couple of drinks in the evening and then a few when you’re out.”
“I worry about you, that’s all.”
I sighed and scratched my forehead. I closed my eyes, struggling to think clearly. “I didn’t realise it was bothering you.”
“It’s not about it bothering me. It’s about whether or not it’s healthy for you.”
“It’s probably not that great, you’re right. I didn’t think it was an issue but maybe it is. A lot of it is unconscious, I guess. Other times, it’s just about relaxing and switching off.”
“I get that.”
“I know you’re only looking out for me, but I do know how to look after myself.”
“I know.” Rona was hugging herself. “We’ve both said a lot. Can we just take a minute?”
I stayed put on the footstool wishing I could walk out the door to end this conversation as quickly as possible. But then, this was my house.
“I hate that we’ve fought like this,” Rona said.
“I hate it too.”
There was a long silence.
“I’m sorry to have to ask but like I said, I do need some space. I’m feeling overwhelmed and I don’t know how to fix it unless I can recharge on my own for a little bit.”
Rona was quiet.
I waited for her response, my heart beating fast.
“I understand. Take all the time and space you need.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m going to sleep at mine tonight.”
“This isn’t anything to worry about, Rona. I’m sure we’ll work it out, in time. I want to, and I hope you do too.”
Rona sighed, puffing air out. “That’s good because I really needed that reassurance.”
“If you choose to stay where you are in your career, in the end, of course I’ll support you. You matter to me more than what careers we do. I just want you to be happy.”
“Thanks, Lily. I appreciate that. I want you to be happy too. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“Same. We’ll be okay, Rona.”
I watched as Rona went around the room collecting some of her things and placing them into her bag. Then I listened as she went next door to the bedroom and got changed. When she came back in, her eyes were red and puffy.
“Rona…” I couldn’t find any words to say. I felt horrible about our argument and for asking for some space, but I needed it and I didn’t want to make it any worse.
She waited for a beat to see if I was going to say anything and when I didn’t, she frowned at me again, picked up her stuff, and left.
The front door limped shut behind her. I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes, stunned at what had just happened.
That was our first fight. It was so surreal. I used to not be able to picture us ever getting into a fight when we first started dating. I never thought we would ever get this complicated.
The house was quiet after Rona left. My body was heavy and tired.
Asking for space was my go-to solution but this time I could already feel it wasn’t going to give me the relief I needed.
Confused and conflicted, I went for a lie down not knowing yet what was going to make this better or how to go about it, and terrified of the consequences of that.