~ 21 ~
Rona
Nell lowered the vinyl onto the record player like she was handling precious rare jewels. “If there’s one thing in life that we can turn to in times of distress, it’s music. See if you like this one.”
She’d brought some of her new vinyls over to ‘cheer me up’.
Her new stuff was excellent. The music permeated my flat and knocked at the door of my gloom.
She was right, only music could bring me out of this.
It was what I always turned to in life, whether I was feeling happy or sad or angry or excited.
In music, I found regulation. It could calm me down or get me worked up.
Poetic and wise lyrics could infuse with my psyche more than the best self-help books.
It was the feeling that came with the words, delivered through carefully selected musical choices.
When Nell had got here, I’d been playing George Michael’s Ladies and Gentleman album.
Now, we were listening to a new folk artist from Norway with an ethereal voice that made me want to sit up and take notice.
Nell and I shared such a similar taste in music, and I loved the way she was curious about new stuff, and somehow I always loved the new stuff she found.
The only exception had been when she had gone through a heavy metal phase.
I could appreciate it, but I didn’t love it.
“The production is excellent,” I confirmed. “Her voice is amazing.”
“Do you know she said playing live was like taking a shit in public to her. It was the most mortifying thing to her to stand on stage and pour her heart out. She said it live on stage at Glastonbury and everything.”
“She did?”
“The crowd loved it.”
I had to at least consider that times may have changed since I was touring with the band.
Back then, it was all about appearing to be a certain way.
At least that’s how I’d felt. But more and more people now seemed to be valuing pure authenticity and unique artistic expression.
There was a rejection of affectation and pretence, which I loved.
It was expected that you should be unapologetically yourself, and it was okay if you were different to the norm.
In fact, the more different to the norm nowadays, the better.
I was seeing it in almost all of the artists and bands I worked with, too.
“Do you want to tell me more about the argument?”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah. I’ve hardly eaten since leaving her place.
I feel so abandoned, humiliated, and rejected, but mostly just sad.
I didn’t see this coming. Lily’s been pulling away and showing signs, but I never thought it would lead to her telling me I was overwhelming her.
I thought Lily was my person and my safe place.
I don’t know if this is just an argument or if it means we can’t get past these issues. I’m worried about it.”
Nell’s face was kind and deeply sympathetic. “Oh, Rona. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
I wanted to make it better with Lily. The urge to call her or go back around to her place was so strong. But I knew I needed to give her space, and I needed some space and time to figure out why I was the way I was myself, and maybe do something about it.
But part of me was pissed off with Lily, too, and I didn’t want to feel that way about her. I needed a minute on my own, to let the dust settle.
“Do you think I’m a coward for not releasing my own stuff?” I waited for Nell’s response.
She sat down on the chair beside my sofa with her thinking face on but didn’t say anything.
“Nell?”
“Rona, you know how I feel about your potential solo career and putting yourself out there. I’ve been banging on about it for years. So has Oscar. Why is it so much worse when Lily says it to you, too?”
“It just is. She said I was using her to avoid the discomfort of not moving forward in my career.”
“You were in an argument. I bet she regrets saying it like that. I bet there are things you regret saying, too.”
“There are. I questioned how much she drinks. I feel terrible about it.”
“Wow. Okay. You guys really went for it.”
I grimaced. “I know. I think I was out of line.”
“The heat of the moment. Arguments bring up all kinds of shit. Go easy on yourself. It would be weird if you guys didn’t argue. You’re only human.”
I took a breath, seeing things more clearly from talking it out with Nell. “I do think she has a problem with her drinking. I think she’s avoiding her issues. But then, I have to leave her to it don’t I. It’s her life.”
“It takes courage to raise these types of things. It sounds like you really care for her. You never know, it might get her to reassess if her drinking is a problem for her. You did good, dude.”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s never nice to be called out, is it?”
“It’s the worst! I can’t believe she called me out on my music and said I’m holding myself back.”
“If you ask me, I think it’s a good sign that she challenges you and she won’t take your shit. She wants what is ultimately in your best interests. She’s not just going to sit there and let you shrink away into your own fears just to keep the peace. If anything, it makes me like her more.”
Nell was right. It was a good sign in Lily. It made me trust and respect her even more too, in a way, deep down, even though I didn’t like it. Although, did it even matter anymore, if ultimately she was feeling suffocated by our relationship. By me.
“Like Lily said, it’s your fear of rejection. And now you’re falling apart over not making the most of your talents. You’re at another creative bottle neck, and it is destroying you.”
“Say what you really mean, Nell.”
She sat back and folded her arms. “You need to get there on your own terms in your own time. I think it’s clear all the people who know and love you the most all support you and are encouraging you. But in the end, it’s got to come from you.”
I didn’t say much after that. I needed to reevaluate my entire life.
A long drive in the country blasting my favourite songs was in order.
There was something about what Lily and Nell were saying.
A memory of being told off by my parents for being too loud and taking up too much space at a family gathering popped into my head.
Come to think of it, they were always telling me off for being expressive at inconvenient times to them.
Apparently, as a child I was very unladylike and needed to learn some manners.
One time, I’d stood up and shouted ‘bravo’ while clapping my hands during a trip to the theatre when I was ten.
My mum was enraged at me for embarrassing her like that in public and punished me for it for quite some time.
She criticised me for being my most true and authentic self.
She didn’t like who I really was, and wanted me to conform.
In the fullness of time, I realised there was some inherent homophobia in my parents.
They were better now but they didn’t really celebrate me as a person.
Being tolerated was not the same. So, I’d learned from an early age to become smaller and take up less space.
I became quieter and stopped drawing attention to myself. It was safer that way.
We listened to the music play, which was one of my and Nell’s comfort zones. We hadn’t spent a lot of time together in a while. Sitting together in my flat, I realised I’d missed it. “How are things with Vee? Tell me the truth. Don’t worry about me and Lily having trouble.”
Nell’s shoulders relaxed and she smiled, massively. She grinned widely and was obviously trying not to. “Very well. We’re in love.”
I smiled back, happy for her. Nell had met Vee after we got back from Greece. Vee was a hot femme from Lithuania and seemed to fit Nell perfectly. “That’s brilliant.”
“She lets me be a woman, you know? She loves that I’m masc presenting but she doesn’t expect me to act like a man.
She looks so sweet, but I can tell you, she’s anything but.
But in a good way, if you know what I mean.
She doesn’t take any shit from anyone. For the first time in forever, I feel like my partner is taking care of me equally. I love it.”
My heart swelled at how happy Nell was. “Aw, that’s the best!”
“We’ve been spending all our time together. Never thought I’d be in this position but we’ve officially lesbian merged our entire personalities and lives. Joined at the hip doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m joking obviously, but you know what I mean.”
“I do. So does she wear your hoodies?”
“She steals them!”
“Do you use all her beauty products?”
Nell laughed. “I do. I think she’s onto me.”
“It’s mad how we’ve both found our people at the same time, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
“But see, this is what I mean, Lily and I have been like that, we were like that pretty much the whole time since we’ve been together.
This is why I don’t understand how she’s now saying I’m overwhelming her.
I didn’t realise I was doing anything wrong.
Spending time together is what we do. It’s what couples do.
So what’s the difference with us? I still don’t get how I’m supposed to know when that becomes a problem. ”
Nell winced, and then weighed up her thoughts, it seemed. “Given how hard you fell for Lily, it’s not that surprising you repeated the same pattern. It’s just a shame you struggle to feel secure in your relationships. I hope you know that we’re solid, yeah?”
“I do,” I replied, feeling comforted.
“Is there any truth to what Lily is saying?” Nell said, tentatively.