~ 21 ~ #2
Thinking about it deeper, I forced myself to put aside my hurt and my ego and fully consider Lily’s perspective.
Was I too clingy and was I using our relationship to avoid my career?
Did I actually want to be seen? I’d thrown myself into the relationship and not given her an inch of space.
I’d abandoned myself. I was squeezing the life out of what we had by holding on too tight. The thing I always did. Ugh.
“Maybe there is. I’m a nightmare, Nell. What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“Aren’t we all, in some way? Nobody’s perfect.”
“I don’t want to fuck this up. I need to be better. I don’t want to lose her.”
“It’s just your first argument. It’s normal. Like I said, it would be weird if you two never argued. Conflict in relationships isn’t the problem. It’s how you repair afterwards.”
“This is the first real test we’ve faced.”
“What are you going to do. What is your gut saying?”
My gut was telling me to leave Lily alone for now and to focus on myself.
I needed it. “That we need a breather. I’ve humiliated myself enough.
I’m still tempted to chase her. But I won’t.
I’m not doing that anymore. I’m no longer going to chase people, even Lily.
I’m done running after women. I am so fucking done with it, Nell. ”
Nell whistled. “Go, you!”
“I don’t know who I am as someone who doesn’t chase their partner. It already feels unnatural.”
“It will do but you’ll get the hang of it, I’m sure, and it’ll only help your relationship.”
The music played.
I took a breath and thought of how good it felt when Lily and I were together.
How nothing matched the connection we had.
All I could do was trust that what we had was bigger than anything I’d experienced before, and that it would not go past us.
If it was about how we handled conflict then I would do the work on myself to be able to have these conversations, and to address what Lily called me out on, and hope that she would do the same.
“You’re right, Nell. I really think you are.
It’s not the conflict that’s the problem, it’s how we repair.
We need to address our own stuff and talk it through.
I want this relationship to be based on something real.
I want us to be able to show each other our worst sides and for us to still be able to hold that for each other.
Like, I really do think she needs to address why she drinks so much.
And why the fuck she feels like being close to me makes her feel like she’s losing herself.
So, if we can’t get through this then we might be in trouble. ”
“And you need to deal with your anxious attachment, Rona. Don’t forget that.”
“God, I know. I’ve been saying that for years, but I really will this time. I think I need to go to therapy.”
“Tell that to Lily. Tell her you’re working on yourself. And let her show you she’s willing to change, too. It can’t be all you who’s doing the work.”
I sat back and ran my fingers through my hair. I had a way forward. The Norwegian artist’s record had come to an end. It needed to be flipped over. I really wanted to hear the other side.
“How are you feeling now?” Nell looked at me, kindly.
“I feel like I need a distraction from all this. I love Lily so much, but it has kind of taken over me.”
“That’s a good idea. Why don’t we say yes to DJ’ing at Utopia? They’ve had a cancellation for next Saturday. Didn’t you get the email? I meant to say.”
“I haven’t checked my emails today.”
“Oscar has been saying he wants us to go out for ages, so he might be up for coming out too.”
“You know, that sounds like the best fucking idea I’ve heard all day.”
***
A week later I was with Oscar and Nell at the popular gay club, Utopia, getting ready to play our set.
I’d completed my yoga routine earlier and I was feeling good.
The club was a big part of the LGBTQ community, and it felt like a lot of exposure.
The club was full, and the energy was high.
A sequence of lights played on rotation, following the colours of the rainbow, giving the club its distinctive look and feel.
People were already dancing in front of the decks.
The heavy bass of the club’s sound system felt good.
It was comforting. Regulating. I wouldn’t be able to fully relax until our set was over, but I wasn’t as worked up as I usually was before playing.
Maybe it was because we knew this venue as partygoers ourselves so well, or maybe it was because I’d been thinking so much about putting myself back out there again and what that might mean.
After the argument with Lily, I’d been exploring whether or not what she said had some truth in it.
I’d come to the conclusion that it did. There was a part of me that did want to live out loud and share my work as myself.
I wanted to conquer this sense of not wanting to be seen.
Why should I have to hide? It was something I had to deal with because not dealing with it was now feeling like stagnation. Lily was right.
“Time to party,” Nell said. “Good luck, Rona.”
“Show ’em what you’ve got,” Oscar replied. He was so supportive. “I can’t wait to hear how it sounds live.”
Oscar and Nell were like family. I pulled them both into a huddle and hugged them together, foreheads touching. “Thanks, guys; you’re the best.”
I took a sip of water after the group hug.
I was looking forward to hearing how my music sounded live too.
When I’d played my set at home for Oscar and Nell, they’d both responded very positively.
This was the most personal new material I had ever shared.
I’d been working for six days straight to get my set to where I wanted it to be, as I was both finishing some of the songs in terms of production and working out a way to mix them all together.
My finished mix was one of my favourite things I’d ever done, and I couldn’t wait to play it for people and test it out.
I warmed up the crowd with a few nineties house classics mixed together so they seamlessly blended from one to the next.
I liked it. It was like a palette cleanser to me and allowed me to feel like I was at home just messing around on my decks, or at a small house party, so I could relax.
I always did better on stage when I made it feel like it was a smaller and more intimate gathering between friends.
Then I dropped Robyn’s Dancing on My Own into t.A.T.u’s All the Things She Said.
The club went wild. It sounded so great.
I was feeling it. Everyone was feeling it.
I’d chosen these two songs together because they were helping me process everything that was happening right now with Lily.
They weren’t literally what we were going through; Lily wasn’t cheating on me, and we weren’t two schoolgirls crushing on each other, but something in their energy felt right.
I missed Lily so much.
We’d had a few brief text exchanges since we saw each other last. Lily asked how I was and said she was sorry.
It was important to me that I let Lily reach out first, and she did.
I said I was doing okay and apologised too.
We both said we loved each other but agreed again on needing some time apart.
Lily was reassuring and kind. I was calm and respectful.
It wasn’t a breakup, more of a timeout. I was giving her space and focusing on myself and my music.
But it was hard.
I kept replaying all the things we said and staring at her messages where she reassured me she was still there and that she loved me. It was taking everything in my power to stay away from her and not throw myself at her and cry into her arms about how hard I was finding all this.
To say that I loved mixing these two songs together would be an understatement. They were my anthems to this time period. Something shifted in me as I vibed with everyone during my mash up. It was cathartic to play them live tonight.
Nell gave me the thumbs up. That meant we were looking good in terms of audio and setup, and ready to progress into the main part of the set.
I was no longer nervous. I’d already shifted into a more openly emotional and vulnerable state through playing and vibing to two classics mashed together.
My songs were going to take the emotion and heat up another level, at least for me.
If I could be me in this moment, then there probably wasn’t anything else for me to fear about playing for any audience.
The next thirty minutes went by in a blur.
I felt every beat, every key change and every note.
These songs were part of me, and now they were out in the wild, being met by the partygoers in this club.
It was strange mixing my own music, rather than playing it live, but it let me sit back and see the crowd reaction and dance along with everyone.
I fucking loved the power of the sounds I’d cobbled together and the samples I’d chosen.
I sang about love, life, death, ecstasy and betrayal, and everything in between.
My most vulnerable and final song was titled The Knowing, although no one knew song titles yet.
I was totally spent by the time I ended my set.
People were coming up to me and hugging me, telling me they loved it.
Nell was still dancing around, having forgotten about her job to pack up the kit.
I didn’t care. It was a special moment, but Lily wasn’t here to share it.
I wanted to run to her and get her attention back.
I wanted her here, close to me, and reassuring me in person that everything was fine.
Instead, I’d told her I was playing the gig and that it wasn’t the place for our first meet up after our fight and Lily understood and agreed not to come.
Pushing these feelings away, I took my headphones off my shoulders and accepted a beer from Oscar.