Chapter 33
CHAPTER 33
Oakley
Please don’t shut me out.
You didtn even give me a chance to esplain
To tell you evertime that I said to him
Everything*
Clementine
Please.
5 missed calls from Oakley West
Oakley
I don’t want to stop testing you
Texting*
Maybe that’s what ou want.
Fuck’s sake
I am so sorry
4 voicemails from Oakley West
T hen one day her phone stopped buzzing. The typo filled texts made her smile for a brief moment, then she was bereft. After the crying jag in her truck following their conversation, she’d spent the rest of the day wallowing with Mack. She ignored her phone and stayed locked away in the MacArthur guest bedroom, replaying everything that had happened.
“That I loved you from the first time I saw you. That I have loved you through every kiss, every touch and every day I’ve known you.”
His words were on a loop for a while and then she thought about what she had overheard. Even in the moment, Clementine knew that she had missed huge chunks of that conversation. But she’d been holding onto these fears and worries for months, all it took was hearing two random words paired together— just sex . That’s what it was meant to be, but after their first night together, it had never just been sex. Wasn’t that why she changed their deal? The doubt lingered, because that was just how her brain functioned. Plus, her history made her wary of her feelings. How could she trust the way her heart tumbled or stomach fluttered when she saw someone if they could hurt her?
It didn’t matter if it was unintentional; she was affected by it. Crushes and infatuations were of her own making, but when the rejection came through, it still stung. She also couldn’t get his expression out of her head. The devastation that she felt in her chest was clear on his face.
Clementine barely functioned through work, but showed up every day to oversee preparation for the Food Fling. Then she would spend time at the new shop space, ignoring the visuals of her and Oakley in there, focusing on Mack’s mural and James’ updates. It was fucking difficult because all of her safe spaces included memories of Oakley—where they’d made cake, played with frosting in her office, eating tostadas and cake on her kitchen floor, her bed where he’d made her laugh until she was crying.
There wasn’t anything or enough time that would help her deal with this the right way. Which was why she was horizontal on Rhiannon’s couch, staring at the ceiling and unable to say what she was really there for.
The words that did come out were, “Shouldn’t all of us be lying down during these sessions?”
“I want my clients to be comfortable. If they choose to lie down, that’s fine.”
Grunting at the non-answer, Clementine linked her fingers on her stomach and closed her eyes. Maybe I can get some sleep here for a change . With a heavy sigh she said, “I’m sorry I don’t have baked goods for you today.”
“I don’t expect baked goods.”
“I know, but feeding people is my whole thing.”
“More importantly, have you been feeding yourself?”
She made another unhappy sound, twisting her lips to the side. She had put effort into her appearance that morning so she wouldn’t show up bedraggled—a dark green jumpsuit, light makeup and her hair was freshly washed. Given that she was in ‘distract myself by doing hard labor mode’, Clementine had been wandering around in baggy sweats, food-stained hoodies and hair in a messy bun.
Food, however, had taken a back seat. She’d been drinking shitty coffee, because even making a cup of filter coffee reminded her of Oakley, but eating was something she wasn’t doing much of. The day before when Mack had come by the new space to start working on his mural, he’d attempted to force food into her hands, but she’d made some dumb excuse about being too busy. For someone who spent all day baking and cooking, saying that she ‘wasn’t hungry’ might not sound so strange. For Clementine to not be hungry meant it was a sign of something bad.
“When shit happens, everything changes, right?”
“Ah, more changes. And apparently more shit.”
She chuckled drily. “I fucked up.”
“We all make mistakes.”
“I keep making fucking mistakes,” she groaned and sat up, elbows resting on her knees as she stared at the floor.
“Let’s talk about this particular mistake.”
Suddenly Oakley’s tear-filled eyes and downturned mouth as she said I’m sorry appeared in her mind. Blinking the visual away, she picked at a hangnail. “I overheard a conversation he was having with a client. They said something about how maybe what we had was more than just sex and I panicked.” Wincing at how ridiculous she sounded now, she looked up at Rhiannon, who nodded for her to continue. “He said the sex was phenomenal.” And that I’m fucking perfect .
Rhiannon tapped her pen against her notebook. “Did you talk to him?”
“Yes. Well…sort of.”
The tapping stopped and her therapist said, “Explain, please.”
Chewing on the inside of her cheek, Clementine stared at her feet and how her laces weren’t threaded through the eyelets of her sneakers properly. Because that was easier than admitting that she let her history and the dumb voices in her head make decisions that day.
“I chose to believe my insecurities over what he was saying to me.”
“Why?”
She blew out a breath. “Because I convinced myself early on that this was going to be like every other time I’ve allowed myself to feel something for someone.”
“Do you believe that he thinks it was only sex and nothing else?”
“No.”
Rhiannon cleared her throat and said, “What did you say?”
Clementine winced again. “I was an asshole. Then I yelled that I loved him in the middle of it all. And drove away.”
Silence stretched between them and she knew it wasn’t because Rhiannon was judging her, just allowing her to stew in her admission. She didn’t need therapy to tell her that what she did was ridiculous and unfair. But it helped to have the weight of someone’s gaze in that moment.
“I was so terrible, Rhiannon,” she added in a whisper, throat closing up.
“You were hurt, you reacted and said what you did. You were protecting yourself, even if you did hurt him.”
“I didn’t want to hurt him, I just…”
“Has he done anything to trigger these fears before?” Clementine shook her head at the question, worrying her bottom lip. “With your history and those insecurities, I can see why you’d respond the way you did. But why now?”
She shrugged. “I’d love to blame it on reflexes, but I honestly don’t know. I know that we love each other, but in that moment, I snapped. It was only after that I realized what I’d done.”
“And you haven’t contacted him since?”
“He called and texted a couple of times, but I haven’t responded.”
Rhiannon watched her for a long moment and nodded. “Okay, let’s come back to that in a bit. How’s everything else?”
Breathing out slowly, she looked away. “We’re ready for the Food Fling tomorrow. My contractor has been working round the clock at the new shop and everything is coming together really well.”
“That’s good to hear. Are you excited?”
I’m trying to be. “Yeah, but I’m mostly stressed. I know we can do it. My staff are made up of some of the most incredible people. But we’ve never done this before.”
Rhiannon smiled. “I’m glad you’re putting this much trust in your staff, because that’s really important.”
Trust . She hadn’t said that out loud to Oakley, but that’s the thing she struggled with. That was what she was holding against him. She’d put all of her trust in him and he hurt her, or at least she believed that he had. She didn’t realize she was frowning until Rhiannon pointed it out.
“It’s a different kind of trust,” Rhiannon offered.
Sighing, Clementine closed her eyes. “Is it, though?”
“I think you put too much pressure on trust with Oakley and when he didn’t behave the way you expected, you reacted. I’m not saying that any of that is wrong, just thinking out loud.”
“Trust is important in every relationship. Even you said that.”
“Oh, it certainly is. Friendships, work relationships, romantic partners—trust is the one thing that carries all of that forward. You were hesitant about letting him into your life in the beginning, then you fell in love with him. Which means that, on some level, you trusted him. So what went wrong?”
She opened her mouth to answer, but slammed it shut with a frown. Dropping her eyes to her hands, tracing the burns and cuts marking her profession.
“What you did isn’t wrong , because it was defensive. The important thing is to understand if you meant it or not.”
Clementine shook her head, because of course she didn’t mean it. She didn’t mean to brush him off or get into her truck and leave. She did exactly what he was afraid she would do— push him away and run. And it fucking sucked. The alarm rang, startling her and ending her chaotic train of thought.
Both of them got to their feet, Clementine smoothing down her clothes before she offered her therapist a smile. “Thanks for today.”
“Forgive yourself first, then talk to him,” Rhiannon said. “I’ll see you next week.”
She nodded and walked out to her truck, bracing for the rest of her day. Another one that would be filled with thoughts of Oakley and the mess she’d caused.
When she walked into the Pretty Baked kitchen, she switched her brain off. Morning therapy sessions always left her unsteady, but she needed it that day. After a quick check on how everything was going, including an update from Freya, she grabbed her things from the office. As she prepared to leave, Luna appeared and squeaked when she saw Clementine.
“Chef! Didn’t know you were here. Oakley came by earlier.”
Even hearing his name pinched her heart, but she shook her head. “I’m not here.”
“He looked pretty messed up.”
“Well, shit, Luna. You don’t see me complaining about how messed up I am, do you?”
The kitchen went silent and Luna sucked in a sharp breath, hurrying out of the kitchen. What’s one more mess for me to clean up anyway? Groaning, she closed her eyes and counted backwards to get her breathing stable. Without looking at her staff, she walked out to where her truck was parked.
“Is there something you want to talk about, chef?” Freya’s quiet voice came from behind her.
“I’m fine.”
“I can call Mack or your girlfriends if you’d prefer.”
“Please don’t,” she said with a heavy sigh. “It’s just complicated. That’s all.”
“So he did break your heart.”
“Or maybe I broke his.”
Freya scoffed, leaning against the truck with her. “For as grumpy as you might be, you’re not a bad person.”
“Good people can break hearts too,” she countered uselessly. She changed topics quickly. “Do you think we’re really ready for this festival?”
Freya nodded, mouth split into a big smile. “Fuck yes, we are. I see it like a wedding, except bigger and more chaotic.”
“You’re the only one who thinks weddings aren’t chaotic.”
“Everyone else is running around like headless chickens, but we’re not. We show up ready to slay and there’s a lot of sitting around.”
Clementine tilted her head. “Never looked at it that way.”
Freya bumped shoulders with her. “We got this, Clem. We’re going to have the best stall at the festival and we’re going to knock everyone on their asses.”
“From your lips to everyone else’s ears.” She shook her head and Freya winked, opening the back door. Sighing softly, Clementine added, “Can you send Luna out?”
She never behaved like the head chefs you saw on television, calling people terrible names and making them question everything about their career choices. She believed in dealing with stressful situations as smoothly as possible. None of it was Luna’s fault. Clementine was so on edge and knowing that he was also miserable made her angry. The tiny blonde walked outside, body tense and eyes wary.
“I’m really sorry for snapping at you. You didn’t know what had happened and you were being a good friend.”
Luna shook her head. “It’s okay, chef. I’m sorry too.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, but thank you for being there for him.”
Luna looked like she wanted to ask about it, instead, she nodded. Then she was hugging Clementine and it took her by surprise that she almost didn’t hug her back. With a gentle pat on the back, she released the blonde and offered her a tight smile.
Feeling only a little better, she hopped into her truck and headed to the new shop. James, her contractor, had been there since early that morning and she knew Mack would be stopping by to start working on the mural. Except, when she walked in, she found her best friend smiling at the tiny Asian woman that was her realtor. Despite her mood, Clementine was happy for him. Mack deserved whatever he and Jesse were building. Instead of interrupting them, she joined James in the kitchen where they were installing the walk-in freezer. She was grateful for the distraction and numbers, because it kept her mind off other things. He took her through completed work, gave her a rundown of what they were doing over the next few days and asked a bunch of questions about light fittings and wood to be used in certain places.
Walking into the main shop space, her distraction bubble burst at the sight of people waiting for her. Ginny and Daisy were huddled together with Mack, three of them frowning and muttering under their breath. She knew exactly what was going on and hated every minute of it.
Whistling to get their attention, she crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t you all have jobs of your own to stay busy?”
Her friends scoffed, but a soft voice apologized before Jesse was rushing out. Mack growled, but Clementine didn’t bother to acknowledge it.
“Clearly you need help,” Daisy said.
“She really does. Extra moody,” Ginny added.
Mack glowered. “What the fuck is going on with you?”
“I'm sorry,” she mumbled, hating that she was spreading her sour mood so effortlessly.
“We’ll talk later,” he said and walked out of sight.
Turning back to the women, she sighed. “What are you two doing here?”
“We’re here to check on you,” Daisy said.
“Why? I’m fine.”
The women exchanged looks before giving her a ‘really?’ eyebrow arch before Ginny said, “Everyone’s talking about the fight.”
Clementine grit her teeth. “It wasn’t a fight. It was a…” she trailed off with a grunt. If not a fight, what do I call it? “A disagreement.”
“But are you okay?”
Shrugging, she turned to face them. “I’m fine.”
“Clem.” Daisy said it softly, clearly trying to placate her.
“I know people who can help us dispose of a body,” Ginny offered with a straight face. Daisy gasped and Clementine snorted.
“We’re not killing anyone.” Daisy waved Ginny away. “I know you’re not the asking-for-help kind, but if you need us…you know where we are.”
“Thanks,” she muttered and after a round of awkward hugs, Ginny and Daisy left.
“ Are you okay?” Mack asked once the women were gone.
Shaking her head, she pressed her trembling lips together and hugged herself. She’d projected all of her fears onto Oakley and hurt both of them in the process. She knew that talking to him was necessary, but Clementine also didn’t want to rush into fixing this. And with the Spring Food Fling just a day away, she felt slightly unhinged. Stop using everything as an excuse to avoid this conversation , her inner voice contributed and she waved her off.
“I made a mistake. I reacted instead of thinking before speaking. I was hurt by something I overheard, so I hurt him back,” she told him, wincing at how juvenile it sounded.
“He loves you. Both of you can figure this out.”
Swallowing hard, she forced a smile. “Yeah.” Maybe . “Thanks for building my stall. I can’t wait to see it.”
“Pretty proud of it, if I do say so myself.”
“And thank you for supervising all of this.”
“Anything for you, Tiny.”
Clementine blinked back tears and nodded. “Soulmates for life,” she whispered and he pulled her into a hug. Burying her face in his sweaty, paint-flecked chest, she allowed herself to let go of her worries for a moment.