Chapter 16
Hannah
I hardly recognized the reflection in the mirror. The woman in front of me looked different…and it wasn’t that I was dressed up, the red, satin gown clinging to my body like a glove, complimenting every curve that was left behind after having my daughters. It wasn’t the subtle make up or the necklace that rested right over my heart.
It was my eyes.
Something had changed.
The apprehension that had been there the last week was completely gone, replaced by something I hadn’t seen or felt in a long time.
Excitement.
It bubbled up in my stomach, sending a tingle to every pore in my body as I realized that not even my anger could keep it contained. I ran a hand through the soft waves in my hair, watching it fall over my shoulders before I took a deep breath and walked down the hallway and to the living room, where Deborah waited.
I wasn’t sure if this was worth it.
Derek had been avoiding me like the plague—our conversations short. He barely even said hi to me and despite my anger and resentment and pain, I couldn”t handle the idea of him distancing himself from me.
Deborah’s eyes filled with pride when she saw me appear and my heart, it almost burst. My mother had never looked at me with such adoration.
“What do you think?”
She cupped my face in her hands, running her thumbs over my cheeks, the motherly action forming tears in my eyes. It was genuine, sincere.
Everything I never had as a child.
“I think this is the best choice you have made in a long time.”
I sniffled, keeping the tears at bay because I was not about to ruin my makeup. “What? The dress?”
Deborah shook her head. “No. Going to the restaurant. Showing him your support. Of course, the dress is a great second best.”
I laughed, embracing her. She ran her hand up and down my back, her comforting touch easing all my worries. It would have been nice to have it growing up, but I had it now and all I could do was appreciate it.
“Now,” she pulled away, running her hands down my arms, “go. Have a great night. Don’t think too much. Don’t worry too much. I’ll take care of your girls, okay? Lily and Noah will have fun with them.”
“Full house, huh? I’ll pick them up afterwards.”
She waved me off. “If you need them to spend the night just let me know.”
I gasped, feigning my surprise as I kissed my girls goodbye. “I will do no such thing. Thank you, Deborah. Let me know if you need anything and—”
“And I’ll lock up before I leave. Go.”
***
The place was packed.
I held on to the pendant, running my thumb over it as I walked inside, my gaze immediately landing on the chandelier at the entrance. I smiled.
I knew Lisa chose the decor—but the chandelier, it was all Derek. Its simplicity gave it away.
“May I take your coat?” An attendant extended his hand and I nodded, sliding the coat from my body before I continued walking inside.
I felt out of place.
These types of events were a constant when my mother was alive, but this...this was different. I wasn’t there to sell anything; I wasn’t there for anyone to sign a contract. This was all for him.
And maybe for me, too.
My lips turned up when I saw him from a distance, his face covered in frustration as Lisa tightened the tie around his neck. He always did hate them. His fingers tinkered with the cufflinks on his sleeves.
Anyone else would think that he was just adjusting his clothing, but to me, it was obvious. He was nervous. It was the little details such as the way his hair was just slightly disheveled. Not enough for him to look undone, but enough for me to know he’d been running his hands through it. It was the way his fingers would move from his cufflinks to the buttons, the way I was sure Lisa scolded him for loosening his tie once again, because he felt like it was suffocating.
I love him.
The thought made my throat dry but as he lifted his gaze, his eyes meeting mine—those eyes showing his nervousness turning to surprise and then relief, I knew Deborah was right.
This was the best choice I could have made.
When I left I wasn’t sure he would even acknowledge me, but my being there told him everything he needed to know.
I wasn’t going to fight.
Not anymore.
He said something to Lisa then moved forward, walking toward me with determination. I squirmed through the crowd, dodging people left and right just to get to him. His green eyes took my breath away as they roamed my body, lingering a little too long on my exposed leg then back to my face.
He hadn’t spoken, but his emerald eyes said everything his mouth didn’t.
“I had to buy a dress,” I whispered, running my hands over my arms. He reached up, moving my long hair off my shoulders, leaving a trail of goosebumps at his touch. “Nothing fits anymore and well...I had to buy shoes to match. And then I stared at myself in the mirror wondering if this was too much or too little...but I’m here.”
I don’t want you touch me again.
The words were loud in the back of my head, and they tore me apart. It was the biggest lie I’d said, and I hoped he could forget them, because that’s all I needed in that moment.
“You’re perfect,” he whispered. He took my hand in his, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss to the back of it, as if nothing had ever happened between us. “Hell...perfect doesn’t even begin to describe you.”
I let out a breathless laugh, entranced by his words, his eyes, the feel of his touch. He meant every single word he said—he saw me as beautiful, as perfect even though I was far from it.
Feeling bold, I took his tie in my hand, watching his eyes darken with the action, savoring it. He didn’t even need to tell me what he was thinking for me to feel it. “I always did like you in a tie.”
With our fingers intertwined, Derek guided me through the crowd.
He greeted everyone with a smile, at ease and in control until we found Evie who sat with Nathan at a table. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she jumped to her feet, hugging me.
“I’m so happy you’re here! Oh my God...I can’t believe it. And you look stunning.”
“Doesn’t she?” Derek shot me an elated look.
It made my heart soar.
No matter how much I tried to clip its wings, it took flight, landing right in his hands. Derek held my heart in his hands, and I just hoped...I prayed, he would take care of it. It was too fragile and easily broken...and I wasn’t sure I would be able to withstand heartbreak again.
“I’m glad you came.” Lisa’s voice came from behind us. There was relief in her face. “You showed up just in time for the speech.”
Evie squealed, taking a long drink of wine before setting it back down on the table. “Let’s go!”
Derek leaned in, pressing a small kiss on the top of my head. “Stay here. Don’t leave.”
He walked away with Evie and I stayed with Nathan, both of us sitting in silence as Evie began the introductions. She made the crowd laugh like only she could—with her clumsiness and likeability while Nathan watched on with pride and love. It was a beautiful sight, to see the love pouring out of his eyes as she spoke. A few minutes later, Derek walked up to the stage with Lisa by his side. He cleared his throat as he took the microphone, his shoulders tense until he found me in the crowd once again.
“Thanks for sharing your time and being with us for the opening of L’Etoile. If I haven’t already done it in person, I wanted to thank each and every one of you. Lisa and I appreciate the support you’ve given us since we started this journey. If you are here, you have helped change the lives of many different members in our community. From those of us who have battled addiction and homelessness, to those who have simply landed in a rough spot, your sponsorships give us the opportunity to help them back on their feet.”
He paused as the crowd clapped and Lisa offered him an encouraging nod. Even with his nerves, Derek knew exactly what to say.
“If you are here, you know that I’ve had my own struggles. Lisa has helped me time and time again, and I am sure this restaurant will be a success as she leads it. My family—Evelyn and Nathan—thanks for being there for me whenever I need it. And Hannah,” I tensed as he said my name, my gaze flickering from Nathan to Derek. “There are many things I could say about you. Thank you for giving me the biggest reason to stay sober...for allowing me back into your life. More than anything, Hannah, thank you for being exactly who you are.”
I didn”t hear anything else he said, a rush of adrenaline swarming my body at his words. Before I knew it, the soft sound of jazz music filled the restaurant. Nathan stood up, extending his hand to Evie, silently asking her to dance with him which of course, she accepted.
I drummed my fingers on the table, unable to meet Derek’s gaze as he approached, unsure of what I would find in his eyes. That was until he reached down, tilting my chin up and forcing me to see him. He nodded toward the dance floor where several couples already moved to the soft rhythm of the music, his silent request making me falter.
“What?” I asked, barely able to get the word out.
“Let’s dance.”
My smile wavered as I rose to my feet, hoping I wouldn’t fall face first by accepting his request because with us, a dance was never just a dance. A touch was never just a touch.
He brought my hand to his shoulders and his rested on my waist, just enough that he could touch the exposed skin of my back, sending a shiver down my spine. The scent of his cologne and everything that came with him surrounded me. I could feel him looking at me...hard. Really looking at me, through me, trying to read me as if he didn’t already know everything about me. My guard was down, I realized, and this time there would be nothing stopping me from falling into him...nothing to stop my heart from staying with his. The voice in my head that kept me from taking the leap had been effectively silenced.
“You’re the addiction I don’t want to give up.” I blinked, finally meeting his eyes when he spoke.
I wasn’t sure my ribcage was enough to keep my heart from beating out of my chest, not with the way he looked at me. The fire in his gaze left a dryness in my mouth that no amount of water would soothe.
“God help me, Hannah...I can’t fucking give you up. I can’t and I’ve tried. Believe me...I’ve fucking tried.” He brushed my hair out of my face, his hold tight around my body...afraid that if he let go, he wouldn’t ever hold me again.
My hands traveled to his chest savoring the soft beating of his heart beneath them. “How did we become so messy?”
Derek let out a sad laugh, shaking his head. “I’ve asked myself that damn question many times.” He hesitated for a moment, his gaze briefly fleeing my own as he thought of his answer. “I think neither of us have been ready. The timing has been off. We’ve had a lot of shit to deal with...things that aren’t easy. Things that aren’t part of a normal relationship. It doesn’t make it less real, though.”
“And what makes you think the time may be right now?”
Derek paused, hesitating. “I don’t. I don’t know when the time will be right for us. I just know I don’t want to give up.”
I considered his words for a moment, offering him a small smile before I leaned in, nuzzling his neck. He was still for a moment, surprised at my actions but soon he rested his cheek over my head as we moved to the music in silence. My eyes fluttered closed, letting his warmth surround me as the world around us ceased to exist.
None of it mattered, not when he was with me.
“A few weeks ago, you asked if I wondered what it would be like for us if we were still together, remember?” I nodded, the night clearly replaying in my mind. “The truth is, I don’t wonder because I already know.”
I pulled away, a smile playing on my lips.
“Really?” He nodded, so matter of fact it made me laugh. “Tell me then. What would it be like if we were still together?”
Derek took a deep breath, his eyes taking a teasing glint. Right away, I knew what he would say.
“First of all...those goddamn boxes would be unpacked.” I laughed, shaking my head as he continued. “You cannot have boxes just sitting there against the wall, Hannah. Really. That’s the first thing we would have done.”
“Okay, okay. No boxes. What else?”
“Your piano.” He answered, no hesitation. Tears burned my eyes because he knew me so damn well. “You’d have your piano so you could play whenever you want to. Whenever you need it.” I lowered my gaze, unable to look at him as he said what I didn’t dare admit. “I know you miss it, Hannah. I know it’s not your career, but you love the piano as much as I love this restaurant. No one else may see it, but I do. So, you would have your piano.”
Once again, Derek rested his head on mine, placing a tender kiss on my hair before he continued. “We would have busy schedules with work and all...but we would always have dinner together with our girls. We would clean up the mess and when one of us has a bad day, well...the other would make it better. We’d put the girls down to bed together...read them bedtime stories...” His hold around me tightened and I let out a shaky breath, my hands holding on to his shirt as he spoke. “Then I’d take you to bed and show you what you mean to me.”
His words were like gasoline, igniting a fire that was dormant within me. So quiet...so full of promise. Only for me to hear.
“I’d make love to you every night...I’d make sure there was never a single doubt in that head of yours. I’d make you forget everything, everyone but us and the way I can make you feel.” He pressed a kiss on my cheek then, and I had to bite down on my lip, hoping a moan wouldn’t escape. “There’s not a thing I wouldn’t do to you if you let me.”
Light-headed, I pulled away, meeting his dark eyes, swirling with emotion.
Desire.
I was sure he could see it in my own.
Wordlessly, I took a step back, then another, until I turned around and walked away. I had no idea where I was going, all I knew was that I needed to be alone, away from the people, away from the crowd.
I entered a storage closet, my hand traveling to my heaving chest as I tried to still my crazy heart but when I heard the lock on the door click, all bets were off.
I turned around, only to find Derek walking toward me as I approached him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my lips against his.
And dammit, he was right.
He was everything I needed.