Chapter 18
Hannah
Pulling the blanket over my head, I covered my ears, trying to ignore the loud sound of Derek’s hands banging against the front door. I could hear him calling out my name, fury seeping through every syllable as he yelled, demanding that I open the door. It was clear that he didn’t give a damn if the neighbors called the cops. It was clear he wasn’t going to leave.
“Open the goddamn door, Hannah!”
I fought back tears as I dragged myself off the sofa, hoping I could keep myself together long enough to confront him. Afraid he would cause more of a scene, I opened the door. I glared at him, but he walked past me and turned on the light in the house as if he owned the place. His gaze settled on the blankets on the sofa, then on me, his eyes narrowing when he saw the redness in my own.
It was obvious I had been crying and knowing me as well as he did, he would know something was wrong. I just didn’t want to bother to explain anymore.
Every time I opened my heart to him, the world came crashing down on me, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
Derek sighed. He ran a hand over his face, his exhaustion obvious. He didn’t want to fight but fighting was all I had left. Fighting was better than crying and anger was better than pain. Derek reached out, ready to touch me, ready to caress my face but I moved away from him, forcing myself to believe that I didn’t want him near me.
“What do you want, Derek? It’s late.”
The concern in his eyes soon gave way to disappointment. I told myself it would be easier that way—if he hated me, if he was as angry as I was it would be easier to keep up the fa?ade.
“Why the fuck did you leave like that?” His voice tore at my insides because even though the disappointment was present, so was the pain. He was too transparent, too much like Evie. Derek couldn’t hide what he felt. “Hannah, answer me. What the hell happened?”
He studied me, his eyes roaming my face as his lips pressed together, fully aware we had taken ten steps back.
I could see him giving up.
And I…I was tired of walking on shards of glass around him, fucking bleeding out for him only for it to backfire on me.
Derek kept breaking me into a million pieces and didn’t even know it.
“I’m not leaving until you talk to me, Hannah.”
I shook my head, forcing myself to minimize every single thing that had happened between us that night. Forcing the memory of his kisses away, ignoring the way I could still feel his touch all over my body.
“We have nothing to discuss.”
Derek scoffed, his hands carving through his hair, holding it tight and releasing it...as if he could barely keep it together himself. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”
I scowled. The bitterness in his words fueled me. “What do you want from me, Derek? What kind of sick game is this for you? Because I don’t want any part of it.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Tell me what the hell is happening, Hannah.”
“Ask your friend,” I muttered, walking past him.
Or trying to.
He didn’t let me walk away.
Derek gripped my arm, pulling me toward him, my body colliding against his hard chest. My eyes widened in shock, and I pushed him, making him stumble back.
It was unnatural—shielding myself with anger when I’d let him love me a few hours ago. My chest caved in with the sadness in his eyes, the confusion, the resentment all palpable in the air. I was good at it, destroying everything in my path.
I could almost feel it...the heart I’d torn straight out of his chest, and the damn thing was still beating.
“I’m done.” I forced the words out of my mouth, feeling myself lose the last bit of hope I’d held on to. Derek looked at me in disbelief. “I’m done with you, with whatever the hell was left between us.”
Derek took a step toward me, then another. My breathing hitched but I didn’t move, didn’t dare show how insanely breathless it left me to have him so close. “You’re angry.” His words, so matter of fact, made me falter. “You’re scared, Hannah. Admit it. You’re scared. You’re fucking terrified of what you feel. You’re scared that you can’t control it. I don’t know what the fuck happened...but I know damn well this is nothing more than a front you’re putting up.”
My body shook. My hands trembled by my side as I tried to contain all the emotions swarming through my veins, threatening to take over, especially when I realized Derek wasn’t backing down. I wanted a fight, and now that it was clear I was going to get it, I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
I wanted to hate him.
I wanted to love him.
My poor heart couldn’t decide, and it was clear that Derek was done waiting for me to make a choice.
He gripped my chin in his hand, forcing my eyes to look at his dark green ones, his lips curling as he spoke. “You’re a coward.”
My blood ran cold.
I shoved him again, this time harder than before but to no avail. Derek didn’t flinch, didn’t move an inch as a strangled growl left my lips. Instead, he held my wrist tight, a sneer on his face, full of anger...hate. And there it was...the fucking pain.
Derek’s lips tilted up to a cruel smile. “The word bothers you, right? But it’s what you are right now. Running away. Avoiding your feelings.”
“Stop,” I grit out, the word barely audible as I pushed him again, my fists hard against his chest.
“Fucking do it.” His voice was barely restrained, the feelings he was trying to contain quickly boiling over. “Push me. Fight me. Do whatever the fuck you want but quit. fucking. running.”
I could hear my blood rushing through my veins, my vision cloudy as Derek held me against him. Sanity was a long way away. He was pushing me, forcing me to give him a response, to give him anything. I sucked in a breath, shoving him again, hard, hoping he could feel just a little of my pain. I did it again and again, letting rage consume me until he stumbled back, his nostrils flaring. He pulled me to him, his nose brushing my own, his heaving chest brushing against mine with every ragged breath he took.
His eyes were dark.
Darker than I’d ever seen them.
The love that had been present a few hours before was gone...I’d destroyed it.
“Fuck...you...” The words stumbled from my lips with so much hate I didn’t recognize it.
But I meant it.
I meant every single letter.
Derek scoffed. “Right back at you,” he muttered before he smashed his lips with mine.
He’s fucking done, too.
There was no tenderness in his kiss, no love. My arms reached up to his neck, pulling him to me as his arms surrounded my body, tracing every inch of me with his rough touch. My doubts had destroyed the Derek who wanted to show me he loved me, leaving only a man desperate to purge his soul of the pain I’d left behind. His tongue thrust into my mouth and my fingers pulled on his hair as our mouths moved in sync, together...fighting a war both of us were destined to lose. He pulled on my t-shirt, tossing it to the floor while his mouth latched on to a nipple.
I refused to make a sound, but my body responded to his touch willingly, holding on to him as if he was the only thing that grounded me. His hand landed on my throat and my eyes fluttered open, stunned at the dominating touch.
“You have to stop me now.” His voice was raw, unrestrained.
I swallowed thickly, barely able to breathe at the anger and desire in his green eyes. “Or what?”
His hand dipped underneath my panties, and he groaned, the sound primal as he found me wet and ready for him, just as needy to have him inside me as he was.
“Because if you don’t stop me now, I will fuck you.” I let out a shaky breath, holding his gaze as he slid a finger inside me, pressing on my clit with the palm of his hand. “I will fuck it all out of you.” He leaned in, nipping at my earlobe as he spoke. “And then I’m going to make love to you until you can’t remember why the hell you’re angry in the first place.”
His words fueled me. I pulled on his shirt until the buttons gave out, flying across the room and I kissed him again, letting myself get lost in him...in everything Derek was to me.
My savior, my damnation.
The reason for my pain...and the only one who could heal it. He lifted me up and my legs surrounded his waist as he walked with me in his arms until I landed on a hard surface. It wasn’t until he pulled away, unbuckling his belt that I realized we were in the kitchen. Derek slid my panties down my legs, burying his fingers deep inside me before kneeling in front of me for the second time that night.
I wanted to stop him, I wanted to push him away, but his tongue darted out, tasting me and licking me before I could say a word and it dawned on me how quickly he was going to make me lose control. I moaned at the feel of his mouth on me, my hands gripping the edge of the table to keep me upright, watching him even though it would be my undoing. His eyes were closed, and in that moment, I realized there was nothing more erotic than his face between my legs, his sole focus to bring me pleasure. My hands held him close to me, and I bit down on my lip, containing my moans though soft whimpers still managed to leave my lips. His eyes opened, meeting mine with satisfaction when he found me panting above him. He buried his fingers inside of me again, his mouth and touch holding me captive as they continued their assault on my body.
“You’re going to come for me, Hannah. You’re going to scream my name. Right, baby?”
I whimpered…and I wished I could have fought it but when my legs began to tremble, I nodded. I pulled him closer to my wet core even though he didn’t show any signs of slowing down. I let out a moan and my breathing turned shallow as the waves of pleasure began washing over me and Derek not once tore his gaze from me.
“Fuck…Derek…,” I cried out, throwing my head back as the current hit me like a tidal wave. He groaned, holding my trembling body against him as if he couldn’t get enough.
He stood up then, kissing me, stealing my breath once again with his passion, with everything he gave me. My hands fumbled with his belt, lowering his pants with clumsiness but he didn’t seem to care. He was hard and he let out a hiss when I dropped to my knees, gliding my tongue over him. His hand tangled in my hair as I took him into my mouth, holding eye contact with him throughout.
Derek groaned, his hips thrusting into my mouth as he tried to restrain himself. Knowing I was making him lose control just as much made me feel powerful.
Beautiful.
He threw his head back, allowing me to continue but only for a few more seconds. He forced me to my feet, kissing me, control out the window for both of us.
I’d gladly take everything he wanted to give me. His teeth nipped at my lips, at my neck, biting and kissing and ravishing me with his mouth. We were done pretending, done fighting it. Derek pulled away from me, turning me around and bending me over the table. His arm came around my body, holding me flush against him as his cock brushed over my wet core.
“You’re everything to me,” he whispered in my ear as he pushed inside me. I gasped, my eyes squeezing shut at the intrusion, my body stretching for him like it had many times before. “I’m going to make sure you don’t forget that ever again. I’m going to make sure it’s so fucking engrained in your head it’s all you can think about.”
I moaned as he buried himself to the hilt, his hands on my hips bruising and his words...his words so damn true.
He thrust against me like he was purging his soul. He pushed into me like he hated me, like he couldn’t contain himself anymore. It was too familiar, too right...too perfect to fight. I gave into him, moans spilling from my lips with every movement of his hips, with every one of his encouraging words. He fit inside me so perfectly, it was hard to wonder how I could ever think this was wrong.
His hand gripped my hair and pulled my head back, the pain and pleasure bringing me close to the edge along with the sound of his grunts behind me. The sound of skin against skin filled the house and it didn’t matter, nothing else did, not anymore as he made me his once again, reminding me of everything we were...of everything we could be. His other hand reached around my body, thrumming my clit gently, a clear contrast to his hard thrusts but it wasn’t until he pressed a kiss at the nape of my neck that I realized what he wanted to extend the moment as much as he could.
“Derek, please,” I whispered, my hand covering the one he had between my legs, hoping it would steer him on. He let out a shaky breath, pressing a kiss near my ear. The other hand went to my neck again, his grip around my body tight as he pushed into me.
“I love you.” My eyes squeezed shut at his words. I whimpered, the words too much for my heart to handle as he picked up the pace, his fingers finally moving against my clit...the mixture of emotions mounting. “I love you...I love you...I love you...”
Every thread of control I tried to hold on to snapped.
Every hope I had of ignoring my feelings for him faded as he whispered the words into my ear, over and over.
He was fucking and loving me all at once.
He was taking my heart and holding it, promising he would take care of it and the silly little thing believed it. My body tensed and my lips parted into a quiet scream as my body dangled over the edge and he groaned into my ear, the sound of his pleasure proving to be too much. I cried out his name just like he’d wanted and collapsed onto the table, my legs giving out on me as my orgasm ripped through my body with no compassion. Derek followed, finishing inside of me, our rapid breathing filling the air.
Neither of us spoke.
Neither of us dared move.
Reality hit me like a train and tears blurred my vision as Derek leaned in, pressing a kiss between my shoulder blades before he pulled away.
Don’t regret this.
Don’t regret this.
Please, Hannah, don’t regret this.
I forced myself to stand, and then to take a step and another, until I ran down the hallway, not once turning to face him, even when he called my name. I crawled into bed, pulling my sheets over my body, letting a heartbroken sob rip through my chest and the tears fall.
He’d fucked it all out of me, alright.
He’d showed me how good it could be, how good it was.
It was the unknown that scared me.
I cried, mourning the woman I was too afraid to be because that was the woman Derek deserved.
More than anything, I cried because I was too afraid to give myself the chance to be happy. I hated that part of me...I hated the fear, hated the trauma.
It wasn’t until I felt the bed dip next to me that I realized I wasn’t alone. Derek’s arms surrounded me and unable to fight it any longer, I turned around, burying my face in his neck as I cried.
“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered into my hair. “Just breathe, baby. It’ll be okay.”