Chapter 19
Derek
The light of the morning sun poured in through the window, barely contained by the blinds in Hannah’s bedroom. It didn’t seem to matter to her.
She slept soundly, her hair spread across her pillow and her lips slightly parted.
She looked at peace.
After a night of passion and heartache, she seemed like she could finally rest. I’d held her through the night, held her as she cried and not once did she pull away.
I wasn’t sure what would happen once she woke up, though.
Hannah was unpredictable.
Her actions weren’t always what her heart wanted her to do, and this time, I wasn’t sure I was willing to withstand the storm that came with her.
I wouldn’t be able to fucking handle it.
Not after last night.
Not after she’d let me have her again…let me touch her.
Be inside her.
Because while Hannah could pretend we could be nothing more than fuck buddies, I couldn’t. The woman owned every fucking part of me and didn’t even realize it. She could tear my goddamn heart out of my chest, and the damn thing would still beat for her.
She”d done it before.
I ran a hand over my face and yawned, my exhaustion weighing on me more than before. Hannah had slept but I didn”t get any shut eye, thinking about how it could all go wrong. I glanced at her, a small smile tugging at my lips when I saw a frown forming on her forehead, like she was deep in thought, even in her sleep. I could look at her all day, memorize all her expressions and they would all be beautiful to me.
I loved her...with all my heart. Nothing would ever change that.
But if we were too much...if there being an us hurt her, I’d walk away. It would be torture, it would destroy me, but for the sake of her happiness, I’d let her go.
Unable to stop myself, I reached out and ran my hand down her bare back, watching the goosebumps that erupted on her skin. She shifted, a sleepy groan leaving her lips as her eyes fluttered open.
Fuck.
She blinked once, then twice, her eyes on me as if she couldn’t believe I was there, in bed, laying next to her. Hannah stared and stared but didn’t move, didn’t say a damn word, not until I spoke.
“I can leave if you want me to.”
A hint of fear flickered through her face, her eyes widening as she shook her head without hesitation. “Don’t. Stay.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t stay? So, you want me to leave?”
The flush on her cheeks deepened but her eyes twinkled with amusement. There she was...the Hannah she kept hidden.
The Hannah I’d fallen in love with.
“I mean I want you to stay.”
Her words sent a pang straight to my chest—one of longing and fucking fear. Because as much as the words eased my worry, it was also terrifying. Was it temporary?
She didn’t give me much time to think, turning to her side and reaching up with her hand, caressing my scruffy jaw. Without a care in the world, Hannah pressed her lips against mine, the action tentative...cautious. Like she was afraid, too. My arms wrapped around her body and I held her close, savoring the moment, memorizing the feel of her soft body in my arms where she always belonged.
This couldn’t be wrong.
We both had our issues—more than I could name—but the feeling of her with me, everything was right about it.
Hannah pulled away, her hands on my chest as she looked up at me with amazement. She let out a soft laugh, but I could see the emotions tearing through her heart as everything replayed in her head. I would have given anything to read her mind, to know every single damn thing that worried her so I could find the words to reassure her.
“I’m so sorry for my breakdown,” Hannah finally said.
My hand found hers and our fingers intertwined. “To be honest I’m surprised you didn’t have a breakdown earlier.”
She rolled her eyes, staring up at the ceiling. “And I’m sorry that I left that way...I know it was a special night for you and I ruined it.”
I brushed the hair out of her face and tilted her face toward me, her brown eyes shining with unshed tears. The emotions were there, right on the surface, like she couldn’t keep them inside anymore. And though I knew it was overwhelming, I knew it was what she needed.
“What happened? Hm? What made you so upset?”
She shrugged, trying to look away but I didn’t let her.
“Stop running, Hannah. All I see is you trying to run away from your feelings and you’re getting nowhere. What happened?”
Her brows furrowed as she studied me. She was trying to find something, anything that would tell her she couldn’t trust me, but it wouldn’t be there.
“I overheard Lisa on the phone,” she whispered. “She said you stuck around only for the girls. Said that you didn’t trust me, that you didn’t believe me. And I...” A tear slid down her face, but she didn’t bother wiping it away. “I just...I couldn’t handle it. So, I told her to fuck off and left.”
A sense of unease filled me. What the hell was Lisa up to and why the fuck would she do this?
“Do you really think I would do that to you?”
A heavy silence lingered between us, one heavy with regret and doubt and heartbreak. “No. I know you wouldn’t.” She sniffled, covering her face with her hands, as if ashamed and I did nothing but look. I hated the sight of her pain. Hannah was beautiful but broken and I would spend the rest of my life helping her glue the pieces back together if she let me. “I’m so scared, Derek. I’m so afraid. It’s silly, I know...but...I can’t...I’m not sure how to get through this.”
Ah...there it is.
I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat and laid on my back, staring at the ceiling as if it would offer a solution to our situation. The bridge between us was too damn fragile.
“I can’t do the back and forth,” I admitted. I heard her quick intake of breath, but this time it was me who couldn’t look at her. If I saw her crying, I’d want nothing more than to pull her into my arms again. “It’s not good for me...for my sobriety.”
“I know,” she whispered. Hannah sat up, pulling the sheets over her naked body. “I’m so messed up...beyond repair.”
“Hey,” I said, taking her arm in my hand as she tried to get up and run like she always did. She landed on the bed with a bounce, but all amusement was gone. She was trying to shield herself once again...and I’d be damned if I let her. “We’re all a little fucked up, Hannah...but I meant every single thing I said last night.”
Her lips pressed into a thin line and she shot me an annoyed glare. “Well, you did fuck the anger out of me and now all that’s left is fear so...”
I smiled.
Perhaps the anger was gone but the rest of it...the trauma and the heartbreak still loomed over us. I watched as she sat against the headboard, leaning her head back with her eyes closed...thinking. I brushed her hair back, but she didn’t say a word.
“I meant it when I said it, Hannah...I love you.” She swallowed, looking back at me with a broken expression. “I have always loved you...from the moment I met you. I know I will never love someone else. You’re it for me.”
“Derek...” I stopped her. I didn’t need her to say anything, didn’t need her explanations. What I needed was to tell her the truth, one that neither of us wanted to accept.
“I’ve never been as happy as I am with you.” I smiled, the memories of the times we’d spent together rushing through my mind. “But Hannah...I want your happiness too. If this no longer gives you happiness, then I don’t want it.”
She winced, squeezing her eyes shut as she let out a breath, like the words hurt her. And maybe they did, but I could see a sense of relief relaxing her expression, like the mere thought of that being an option gave her some ease.
For me...well, for me it hurt like a bitch.
“I rather not have you with me and see you happy, than for you to be near me and causing you pain. I love you...it’s as simple as that. But I want you to love yourself, too.” She looked down at her hands, biting down on her lip as if keeping herself from crying. “This all goes deeper than what happened between us, baby...you know that. It stems from our childhood...from all the shit we’ve been through both together and alone. But you don’t have to work through it alone. I can be there for you, holding your hand to help you.”
“Why has it been so hard?” The whispered question gave way to her emotions when her voice faltered. Teary-eyed, Hannah looked up at me, searching for an answer. I cradled her face in my hands, pressing kissing her one last time. She didn’t fight it, even when her tears fell.
I didn’t bother with an answer. Instead, I stood, walking away from her.
She was quiet. She didn’t say a word as my hand turned the doorknob.
She didn’t even ask for time.
Her decision was clear as day.
I hoped...prayed, walking away from her was the right choice...
Because it sure as hell didn’t feel like it.