Chapter 20
Hannah
Colorado was a winter wonderland. I couldn”t help the smile on my face despite the chaos the last few hours had brought. Surrounded by the mountains, I was sure I could at least try to forget.
My gaze met Derek”s who checked in with the receptionist at the resort, pain in his eyes despite forcing a small smile in my direction. It tugged at my heart.
We hadn’t seen each other since two nights ago…hadn’t talked. He’d only checked in on the girls and left.
He was letting me go.
I could see it, feel it, in the way that he kept his distance from me the whole flight. I could sense it by the way he kept his ear buds in despite sitting next to me.
He didn”t even try to talk to me.
Yeah...I was broken. But I had broken him, too.
All over fear.
Such a stupid, selfish, reason.
I watched as his attention turned back to the receptionist, her smile wide and...flirty. Her eyes twinkled as he spoke to her, gesturing toward our daughters and she smiled, her hand on her chest as she surely told him how cute they were.
Evie nudged me with her elbow, forcing my eyes away from Derek and to the beautiful view outside.
”C”mon, I want to show you something.” She pulled my hand, waving to Derek and Nathan before guiding me down a hallway and out a door. We stood on a balcony, the view of snow covering every inch of the horizon, reflecting the bright full moon and the stars. It was a beautiful sight, being surrounded by mountains...by nature.
“It’s gorgeous, isn’t it? I can’t believe I don’t remember the first time we were here.”
I smiled, remembering that visit to the Rocky Mountain state so many years ago when she was not much older than Lily. Our mother had brought us for a business deal disguised as a winter vacation...and for a few days, I was able to see a side of my mother that wasn’t forced. That wasn’t fake.
“Mom looked happy here,” I told her. Evie raised an eyebrow, her eyes lighting up with my words. We always remembered mom for the pain, never for the good times. “I remember you were so excited to play in the snow. You threw yourself in it without a care in the world and made snow angels. Nana watched you and then she gave me a little push. Carter held my hand and dragged me to the snow.”
“Did you make snow angels too?” she asked, grinning.
“I did.” Evie squealed, linking her arm with mine. “I’m not sure what Nana said to her, but she sat down next to her and watched us. She laughed and smiled...and that’s the last time I remember seeing her so happy.”
Evie hummed, leaning against the balcony, lost in thought for a few minutes. Our mother had been far from perfect, but Evie deserved to know that it wasn”t all bad.
Not all the time.
”I know she wasn”t my biological mom...but I wish I would have seen that side of her,” she whispered.
”She wasn”t a woman to show many emotions,” I replied.
”How do you think mom would feel about all the hickeys on your neck?” Evie wiggled her eyebrows, shocking me with her question. I stared at her with my jaw on the floor and then laughed, nudging her gently. ”I think she would disown you.”
”Mom would have disowned me a long, long time ago.”
Evie laughed, but I could see the worry. The questions.
”Just ask...” I said, fixing my gaze on the mountains ahead.
”No...I...” Evie sighed, clearing her throat before forcing the question out of her lips. ”Did you guys use protection?” I could feel the heat rushing to my face but Evie continued. ”Because I can tell things aren”t okay with you two and there”s already two girls involved and—”
”I have an IUD,” I replied. ”We”re good.”
”Are you, though?”
No.
I avoided her eyes, knowing I couldn”t answer truthfully because I didn’t know the answer. I wasn”t sure what was happening anymore.
”It was a one time thing.”
Evie snorted, the sound very unladylike and shook her head. ”Is that what you”re telling yourself?”
I bit the inside of my cheek as I found the courage to say the words out loud. ”Derek told me he couldn”t do it—this. He doesn”t think I”d be happy trying to have a relationship and the back and forth is messing with his sobriety so...”
”He”s walking away,” she finished. ”I”m sorry, Hannah.”
”It”s for the best, I think.”
”You think?”
”I don”t know. I”m torn between love and fear and fear is winning.”
”Fear of what?”
Evie covered my hand with hers, squeezing gently. She wasn”t pushing for answers...it wasn”t curiosity, it was concern.
”Pain.”
A quiet laugh left her lips, and she shook her head with sadness. ”It”s okay to be afraid, Hannah. There is no shame in that. I am terrified of meeting Dylan...but letting fear make the calls is the worst decision we can make...and Derek...he”s just doing what he thinks you want.”
”I know,” I whispered.
But fear was safe. Fear would keep me from getting hurt...or at least it”s what I told myself. We stood there in silence until snow flurries started to fall from the sky, a smile lingering on my lips as I walked to my assigned cabin.
The door creaked as it opened, and though I heard movement and Derek’s voice in another room, all my eyes could see was the piano that was set in the living room near the large window.
My chest constricted and my fingers tingled.
It seemed like an eternity since I”d played the piano.
So many things had happened that had made me a different person and yet, that need to play remained.
It was beautiful...more than any other piano I”d ever seen. The golden details against the white wood made it stand out. It was everything I”d ever wanted.
Drawn to it, I sat on the bench in front of it, my fingers touching the intricate details but not daring to press any key. My vision blurred and my heart begged for me to play, but I couldn”t bring myself to do it. Not yet.
Not when every note would be heavy with the pain in my heart.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
I tore my gaze from the piano, meeting Derek’s curious eyes as he looked at me from the staircase. He leaned against it so casually, as if he expected my reaction. Hell, he probably did. I bit down on my lip, unable to force any words from my mouth as I watched Derek put his beanie on.
“I saw it here and figured you’d be eager to play it. I’m surprised you haven’t yet.”
I pursed my lips, his words hurting more than I expected. He knew me too well. Too much.
“I suppose I was wrong about that, hm?”
I licked my lips, following his movements as he slipped on a jacket with ease. He was going out, and wasn’t even hiding it. And fuck...it hurt.
My chest felt hollow.
“I don’t play the piano anymore,” I managed to say.
Derek’s expression faltered, but he mustered a half smile, shaking his head. “There’s many things you don’t do anymore.”
Oh God.
It hurt. His words hurt more than I could admit. There was no malice in them...they were simply the truth, and he wasn’t hiding it. He was pushing me away the best way that he could—wearing his heartache on his sleeve. I’d shattered him and he was making sure I knew it. I slid off the bench, ignoring the ache in my stomach as I followed behind him to the kitchen, his shoulders tense.
“I’m going out to the town,” Derek stated, slipping his wallet into his pocket.
“Right now?” I asked the question without much thought, watching him raise a curious eyebrow. “I mean...it’s late...”
“It is,” he replied. “But I won’t be getting much sleep anyway. Unless you had plans?”
My mouth opened and closed, but in the end I said nothing.
“I already put the girls down in their playpen so they”re sleeping, but if you need anything just call me or text and I’ll be here.”
I watched him as he walked to the door, not bothering to look back, not until I spoke.
“You don”t have to leave, you know? I won”t bother you.”
Derek stilled, his hand on the doorknob. I preferred an argument than to be alone, but I knew no matter what I said, he wasn’t going to stay.
Not anymore.
“Get some rest, Hannah.”
***
I didn’t sleep. Not enough, anyway. I tossed and turned all night, not getting a continuous hour of sleep until sunrise and by then, it was too late. I stood up, not bothering to try to get any rest and walked to the living room, a quiet sigh leaving my lips at the sight of the piano.
It was the last day of the year and my goal...my wish, was to play the piano again. I wasn”t sure when...and I wasn”t sure if I”d be able to, but I wanted to try.
Finally, my feet continued to move toward the window, admiring the view. It was beautiful at night, but gorgeous when the sun brightened up the sky and every single detail was visible. Surrounded by trees and mountains, there was nothing that could compare to its beauty...to its peace. And I was starting to feel it.
”Good morning.” Startled, I turned around, only to find Derek standing by the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hands. ”Are the girls still sleeping?”
I nodded. ”They should be up in a few minutes.” He took another sip of coffee, watching me intently as I stepped away from the window. I felt exposed, my arms crossing over my chest as I remembered I wasn”t even wearing a bra. He looked away for a few seconds, until I continued talking. ”At what time is Dylan getting here?”
Derek tensed again. ”He”s on his way so...an hour and a half.”
”Does Evie know?”
Derek set his coffee to the side and shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants. He wanted to hide it, but the meeting had him anxious. Perhaps no one else could see it, but I did.
”It”s going to be okay, you know? He”s going to love Evie. And Dylan is great. She”ll love him, too.”
God, I wanted to hold him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and make him forget.
But distance was what I wanted, right?
”It”s funny, right? The mess we leave behind.” I furrowed my brows, not understanding what he meant until he continued. ”My mom never thought about the mess she was making: a son who ran away, one that watched her quite literally kill herself with drugs, and a daughter who she dumped somewhere because she needed to get high. She”s gone and doesn”t even realize that we were left to deal with the consequences of her choices.”
I swallowed thickly, realizing how much the situation hurt Derek. He didn”t show it often, but the heartache and trauma that his mom left behind was palpable in that moment and I wasn”t sure how to help him.
I wasn”t sure if I could.
Derek cleared his throat, running a hand over his face before finally looking at me again. ”You should go get ready.”
He walked away then, his arm brushing my arm and leaving me behind without giving me a chance to say a word.