Chapter 21
Derek
It was an hour and twenty minutes.
Ten minutes less for me to get my shit together.
Ten minutes less to mentally prepare for two parts of my life to collide.
I squared my shoulders, ready for a fight though deep down I knew there wouldn’t be one. Thankful that Hannah was there, I glanced at her, her reassuring smile letting me know that it was going to be okay.
Funny, how I tried to keep my distance from her yet she was the only person who could offer what I needed.
What a way to end the year.
There was a quiet knock on the door and I cleared my throat, glancing at Evie who’s hand was held firmly by Nathan, ready to protect her at all costs.
Was this the right choice?
“I’ll open up,” Hannah said after a few seconds, eyeing me with caution. I took a deep breath and nodded, thankful that she was going and not me.
“Hey!” I heard Dylan exclaim, his voice full of genuine happiness. “Long time no see.”
Hannah laughed, greeting Carina as well. “You have no idea. Come on in.”
He was a few years older than me...old enough that the age difference was noticeable now...and I didn’t have many memories of him as a child because he left before I could even form them...but he was there now. Even if I didn’t want him to be. Even if I was used to being alone.
“Hello, brother,” he said. Guilt flashed in his eyes, like he was remembering the same thing. Hell...maybe part of him regretted it. Maybe in the end he felt guilty for walking away and leaving me alone with an unstable mother. He greeted me with a hug, placing his hands on my shoulders and smiling. “Thank you for doing this.”
I wasn’t sure why the hell I was doing it. We’d seen each other just a year before, but fuck…everything was different now. I felt the weight of the past on my shoulders more heavily and it wasn’t easy to bear.
“It was going to happen sooner or later, right?” I shrugged, turning to look at Evie and extending an arm to her. She looked so much like a child, scared and nervous.
Don’t abandon her, too.
She squeezed my hand, searching for comfort and I placed my arm over her shoulders, hoping she knew that even if Dylan left, I would be there. I would never leave her again.
“Evie, this is Dylan, our older brother and Dylan...this is Evie, our baby sister.” Evie shifted on her feet nervously and Dylan looked at her for a few seconds, a sad smile on his face as he reached out, his hand gently caressing her face.
I knew exactly what he was going to say.
“You look just like mom,” he whispered.
Evie swallowed, her voice breaking as she spoke but kept a smile on her face. “I suppose I do because I don’t look like anyone in my adoptive family.” Dylan chuckled, catching a glimpse at the real Evie and opened his arms to her, embracing her like an older brother should and for that moment, everything was okay. He said something to her and she nodded, their embrace comforting and sweet. Nathan relaxed behind me and Hannah offered me a smile, one that said “I told you so.” The three of us spoke for a few minutes as Dylan reassured us that he was here to stay and I stood to the side, not wanting any part of it.
Because it fucking hurt.
This was always how it should have been.
I pushed the idea away when Evie turned around and extended her hand to Nathan.
Time for more introductions.
“This is Nathan, my husband and our kids...Lily and Noah are outside with his mom, Deborah.”
Dylan furrowed his eyebrows, glancing at the stroller next to Hannah. “So whose kids are those?”
Hannah grimaced, raising her hand and I cleared my throat, making his eyes travel from her to me.
“Yours? Those babies are yours? You and Hannah...what? Holy shit.”
Hannah gave an awkward smile as he approached her and the stroller, looking at our daughters who were wide awake. “Damn.” Dylan chuckled, shaking his head in amazement. “So, when’s the wedding then?” He placed a hand on my shoulder, and though he meant it as a joke the air around us turned heavy with sadness. “I mean, first came kids, then the wedding right?”
“We’re not together anymore.” I said, watching how Hannah looked away. Dylan tried to hide his shock, but failed.
“Well, what the hell happened?”
No tact.
Carina approached, kneeling down and taking Isa’s hand in hers. “What Dylan means to say is that he’s happy to meet them and we should probably eat breakfast because we’re all hungry.”
***
They talked about everything and anything, making up for lost time. Hannah sat back with Carina, talking and laughing without a care in the world, though I could tell the tension lingered. There were many things left unsaid, things that they wanted to ask but didn’t know how. A few hours had passed and as the end of the year neared, I wasn’t sure what the hell I wanted for the next. I walked out of the cabin to the campfire outdoors and sat, stretching out my legs as I thought back to the moment my brother had left...and how it changed and fucked me up. I laughed, alone, watching the flames of the fire burn in front of me and I wished...I hoped for a better future for my daughters. I had to keep my shit together for them...to be a good father, to be a man worthy of being in their lives.
Worthy of being in Hannah’s life...even if it was just as the father of her children.
Because she’d move on eventually. She would move on and be happy, and that would give me happiness, too.
At least with Hannah, I had closure but with the many things from my childhood, I never would.
“She’s a fucking ray of sunshine, isn’t she?”
I sighed, watching as Dylan sat next to me, offering me a cup of coffee. Hell, I’d left behind alcohol but was clinging to coffee to stay awake. I took it, holding on to the cup for dear life because I didn’t want to have this conversation with him...but I would. He knew it, too.
“Ask,” he said with a small nod. “It’s been years and you’ve never asked and now that I’m here, you should, because I don’t know if there’s going to be another chance.”
“Why? Because you’re going to leave again?” The question was full of hate, of resentment, and I didn’t try to hide it.
“No. Because you have a family now, and it’s time for you to close that chapter of your life.”
I scoffed, running a hand over my face. “Why did you leave, Dylan? Why was it so goddamn easy to leave? Why did you never check up on me? On mom? The woman was falling apart and tearing me apart in the process and you didn’t...fuck...you didn’t give a shit! You walked away and never looked back. Do you have any idea how badly that fucked me up?”
“I do,” he nodded.
“Then why the fuck did you do it? Did you not care?”
Ah, to close that goddamn chapter would be painful. I could feel it in the tightness in my chest, and it dawned on me, I never fucking let it go.
“Because I had to watch her fucking die, Dylan. I watched her doing drugs every goddamn day of my childhood. I walked with her to the fire station where she left Evie, and went with her so she could get her next high. I watched her destroying herself little by little with guilt, with every demon that followed her. And you...you were out there, having your own struggles but not once, not a single fucking time remembering you’d left behind a mother and a brother.”
My words, laced with venom, made him flinch. He swallowed thickly, looking at the fire as I spoke, not once meeting my eyes.
And perhaps I was unfair...but he didn’t know what it had been like. He didn’t know what I’d seen.
“I couldn’t do it,” he said with a shrug. “Six days before I left she OD’d.” My jaw clenched and I looked at my brother, watching how his gaze turned distant. “She swore up and down that she was going to stop. She fucking promised me she wouldn’t do it again, that she would be there for us and that she would be the best mom she could be. And six days later, I found her shooting up again. I couldn’t do it. I tried to take you with me, Derek. I did.”
Dylan laughed, looking down at his feet, his hands in fists. “You didn’t want to. You wanted to stay with her. That’s always been you, Derek. You love and you stay, you don’t walk away from those who you love. And I couldn’t go back. If I did, I wouldn’t have been able to leave again. I know you went through a lot. I know I shouldn’t have left you alone...but you forget, I was a kid, too. I was just trying to survive.”
Survive.
That’s all I had been doing. Surviving.
Little did I know he had been, too.
“How long have you been sober?” He asked.
I cleared my throat. “Only a few months.”
Dylan nodded, glancing back at the cabin. “Well you need to stay that way. You have a lot, Derek, a lot to lose if you relapse. You have a family, two beautiful girls and I don’t know what happened with Hannah...but I know for a fact you have her, too. Move on. Leave the past behind. Our mom didn’t have the help we do. She didn’t have anyone to turn to. We do.”
“She had us,” I said.
“Maybe. But sometimes all the love in the world isn’t enough.”
He was right. We sat in silence, watching as the fire died down, watching as that chapter in our lives came to a close. It had taken years to have this conversation, years for us to have the courage to talk about it and now that it happened and the anger had dissipated, I wasn’t sure what else to feel.
”She”d be proud,” Dylan said, looking at me. I didn”t meet his eyes, watching as the last flame evaporated. ”She”d be proud of you, for having a family, for trying your best to be present. And she would be proud that despite her addiction, you loved her for who she was. Just mom.”
I swallowed thickly, seeing from the corner of my eye how he stood up, placing a hand on my shoulder, a gentle brotherly action I never had.
”And for the record, I am, too.”
I didn”t cry. Fuck...I couldn”t remember the last time I had but in that moment, something burned my eyes and I struggled to keep the sensation at bay.