Chapter 22
Derek
Dinner dragged on.
Everyone talked, laughed and had a good time but every now and then, I’d catch a glimpse of Hannah on the other side of the room, a glass of wine in her hand and constantly checking her phone.
I did the same.
Only ten minutes until midnight.
A new year...more of the same.
Kind of.
Life had changed drastically in just a few months.
I scratched the back of my head, sighing as she stood up and slipped on her coat. She was leaving. She said something to Deborah, probably using the excuse that she was going to check on our daughters to leave, and then walked to Evie and gave her a long hug. She was fucking stunning.
She had done so little--minimal makeup, a short dress and boots that covered her long legs, and she still managed to take my goddamn breath away. Hell...it wasn’t worth breathing if I didn’t have her. She glanced once in my direction, forcing a smile before leaving Evie’s cabin and walking to ours next door.
I need a fucking drink.
I stood up, heading to the kitchen and avoiding all conversation. I didn’t need comfort or to fake happiness, not when I was dreading what awaited ahead. The uncertainty was troubling. I poured myself a glass of juice because that was all I could drink and stood in the kitchen, waiting for the minutes to pass me by, hoping I could avoid the commotion of the new year.
It seemed eternal, the minutes, the seconds...the countdown, but finally, I heard cheers from everyone, their kisses and I love yous, their grateful laughs for a new beginning. My gaze lingered on the door, hoping she’d come back and smile, but she didn’t. Instead, Evie appeared with a smile of her own and her arms extended.
“Happy new year, Derek,” she said with excitement. “I wish you the best year, full of happiness. Full of everything you’ve ever dreamed of.”
I hugged her back, holding her for a while, hoping her peace would fill up the emptiness in my chest.
“Have you seen Hannah?” she asked, pulling away.
I shook my head. “I think she went to bed early. I’m going too, I think.”
Evie pouted but the joy lingered in her eyes. “Okay. I know...it must be exhausting having two babies at the same time.”
That’s exactly what it is.
I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, mustering a smile for her sake. “Enjoy the night, okay? Don’t stay up too late.”
She laughed. “I am most definitely staying up all night.”
The brisk cold air hit me like a hurricane and I winced, the bitter cold numbing my ears almost immediately.My phone buzzed with an incoming message, a short Happy New Year”s from Lisa. Things between us were tense because even though she”d explained she was trying to find who stole from the gallery, I didn”t want her to do it behind my back. I replied with a thumb up emoji and shoved my phone back into my pocket as I rushed to the cabin, watching the air fog up with every breath I took and paused at the door, hoping Hannah was in bed already so I didn”t have to see her...talk to her. With every pained look in her eyes it became harder and harder to keep up with the facade but as I entered the cabin, the soft sound of piano keys drowned out the creaking of the door. I stilled, the sound stopping me in my tracks as it filled the room with sorrow and heartbreak.
Her eyes were closed, and she was so lost in the music she didn’t hear me, but I saw her—saw the Hannah she was when no one was watching...saw the vulnerable woman she was terrified to be.
And it was beautiful.
Hannah—my Hannah—was completely broken and shattered, yet she was perfect.
Each key gave her soul its voice back, and as a tear rolled down her cheek, a small smile formed on her lips, like it was all she needed.
As if she was finally finding herself in the song she had refused to let her heart sing.
Minutes passed, minutes in which it was only her in her world of music, and all I could do was watch her, engrave the sight into my head—my heart—until she played the last key, and a heart wrenching sob tore from her throat as she stopped. She buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking as she cried.
I took a deep breath, forcing myself to walk the other way instead of taking her in my arms like I wanted to but she heard me, wiping away her tears quickly and meeting my gaze.
She couldn’t hide the longing in her eyes...but she wouldn’t act on it. Not yet. Her war was obvious, and I couldn’t fight it for her as much as I wanted to.
I walked toward my bedroom, sitting on the bed and running my hands through my hair.
It was bullshit.
All of it was.
Life had dealt us shitty cards and expected us to deal with them...didn’t even give us a goddamn manual.
How the hell were we going to figure it out?
How the hell was she supposed to mend a heart that had been broken continuously for years?
“Bullshit,” I muttered, taking off my jacket and tossing it to the sofa by the window.
Coming to terms with reality, no matter how many times I told myself it was for the best, was harder than I thought. I could lie to myself all day long and tell myself it was best for Hannah, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I knew it would never be over between us.
“Happy New Year’s,” she said, her voice soft as she stood by the door. I looked up only to find her playing with the delicate lace of the dress. Her eyes were swollen and the little makeup she had on was gone, leaving behind the Hannah only I knew. “You know...Dylan asked why there wasn’t a piano in every cabin.”
Shit.
I’d made the request as soon as I found out we would be sharing a cabin. It would be my Christmas gift to her…helping her find her voice through the piano.
“Really?” I asked, not bothering to look at her.
She nodded, walking into the bedroom with caution. “They told him they did their best to accommodate requests, but they had to be done at least 24 hours in advance.” I hummed, taking off my watch and setting it on the nightstand . “But I didn’t request a piano, and the girls can’t talk so...”
Was it you?
I could hear her question though I would never answer it. Not if she didn’t ask directly.
“Do you need anything, Hannah? Because I’ve barely managed to get any sleep and it would be nice to get some shut eye.” My words came out harsher than I intended, making her expression falter, but the heartbreak in her eyes was quickly tearing me apart. She didn’t realize what the sight of her pain did to me.
Hannah blinked rapidly, tears welling in her eyes once again.
“I just...I...”
“You what, Hannah? Came to wish me a happy new year? Came to have a heart to heart? What is it?”
She let out a humorless laugh, looking away briefly, her eyes landing on the window. “I know I’m a mess,” she said, her voice breaking. “I’m a mess, a certified disaster but I don’t want you to let me go.” Hannah shook her head, sniffing as she wiped away a tear. ”You”re avoiding me, you”re walking away from me and maybe it”s too late but I realized I don”t want you to.”
I scoffed, running a hand over my face with a quiet groan. ”I can”t do this—whatever the hell it is—anymore, Hannah. It”s driving me fucking crazy. ”
Biting down on her lip, Hannah stood there, across the room, heartbroken and afraid. She wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore.
I stood up, rubbing my fingers against the palm of my hand, trying not to lose my shit as she quietly cried in front of me but I lacked control when it came to her. My will—everything was gone if she wasn’t okay.
“I’m not sure what you want, Hannah. You want to keep your distance, I’m fucking trying and you seek me out. You say you’re too afraid of getting hurt and yet you’re here. So what the hell do you want? Because for the life of me, I can’t figure you out.”
Her throat moved as she swallowed and she didn’t say a word, nothing for a few seconds...minutes, who the hell knows. All I knew was that it felt like an eternity, as her quiet sobs filled the room. I paced, waiting, hoping she’d speak and put us both out of our misery—either burn what was left of the bridge left between us, or mend it.
“I want you.” The words sliced through the thick air like a knife, piercing straight through my chest and making me freeze in place. Hannah let out a whimper, her hand on her chest as she continued.
“I want you more than anything because I love you more than I thought was possible and it is terrifying. You’ve had my heart in your hands for so many years and I can’t get it back. And the funny thing is...I don’t want to get it back.” Hannah shook her head, her sadness palpable, knocking the air out of my chest.
Was she really saying this?
“And I couldn’t let the year end and another begin without you knowing what you mean to me, Derek. I love you. I always have and I always will.”
Her brown eyes peered at me through the tears, waiting, hoping...for what? I wasn’t sure. And all I could do was stand there like an idiot, without knowing what to do with her words because she’d said them before—we both had, but never had there been such a sense of certainty like in that moment. So many goddamn questions rushed through my mind but as I met her saddened gaze, I knew...I fucking knew I couldn’t turn her away.
I would never be able to.
That woman could do with me as she wished and I’d be a willing participant.
“Say it again,” I said, my last request before giving in.
“I love you.”
Fuck it.
I walked up to her, taking her face in my hands and kissing her lips, tasting her tears as her arms wrapped around my neck without hesitation. Without second thinking. She was mine, she was mine forever, try as she might to deny, try as she might to forget it.
She was the only addiction worth keeping.
I kissed her like the world would end without her because for many months, that’s what it had felt like. Her body molded into mine, giving in without putting up a fight. She was done, and I was glad, because I was too. She tasted like heaven, her mouth willingly parting for me as my tongue sought her out. The world around us ceased to exist and fell into the background as she gave into me, into us, and she surrendered to her feelings.
She broke the kiss, her eyes closed as I rested my forehead against hers and caressed her flushed cheeks.
“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long,” she whispered, the sound of her voice making my chest constrict. “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn and scared. I’ve never been loved before...and with you, no matter how long this has been going on, I still don’t feel like I deserve it.”
This was Hannah.
Vulnerable, exposed...the Hannah no one else got to see. I brushed a strand of hair from her face, admiring her beauty. She was perfect in every sense of the world, everything I’d ever dreamed of even though she didn’t see it. I took her hand in mine, holding it against my chest—a silent way of telling her that the thing that beat inside it was hers.
There was no more room for words.
I’d spend the rest of my life showing her exactly what she meant to me if she would let me.
Her mouth parted in a quiet gasp as my lips began to trace the sensitive skin of her neck and my hands began to roam her body, shivers erupting everywhere that was visible to the eye. I drifted her dress up, caressing her thighs and holding her until she whimpered with need.
She was intoxicating.
Everything about her was addictive and I didn’t want to fight it.
Hell, I couldn’t.
I’d tried many times before only to end up losing and wanting her all over again.
We didn’t bother with our clothes, her shaking hands reaching down between us and fumbling with my belt, freeing me from my confinement as she took me in her hand, stroking me hard and fast as she clashed her lips with mine. I groaned into her mouth, allowing her to take control for those few seconds until we stumbled onto the bed and she brushed my hard cock against her warmth.
Fuck, she felt perfect.
I thrust into her, deep…her soft whimpers turning into loud moans as I took her legs, pushing them back so they were against her chest.
I sunk into her over and over, until she was sweaty and spent…until all she could do was scream my name.