Chapter 26
Twenty-Six
It was an awkward state of affairs that fell upon Ashmere Hall the day after Violet left. Awkward, if not expected.
Lucy was distraught, and while she did not seem to fully understand what had happened, she also seemed to realize that it was Rhys’ fault. Violet had abandoned her and the only reason that she could have done so was because of him.
She refused to go anywhere near him, and when he got too close, she started to scream and kick, leaving Rhys no choice but to retreat. No longer the shy little girl who he had once known, she was now possessed of a raging temperament, and Rhys was the one she directed it at.
“Please, Lucy…” He stood in the doorway of the nursery, begging her to come to him. “Let us go outside and play.”
“No!” She was in the corner, her expression was rabid, and when he dared to step his foot into the room, she reared back and opened her mouth to scream.
Rhys winced and pulled his foot from the room. “Are you hungry?”
“No!”
“Perhaps a bath?”
“No! I want Mama!”
Rhys was a patient man. He liked to think that he had what it took to weather the storm of a child’s rage. But for hours now, Lucy had screamed and cried and shouted so that his ears rang and his head throbbed.
And it was not that he was angry at how Lucy acted—of course not! Any anger felt was for himself, as well as Violet.
Oh yes, Rhys was not willing to accept that this was his fault completely. As far as he was concerned, Violet had abandoned them both, and Lucy’s pain and misery were her doing. It was, after all, the only way that he could make himself feel better.
What he wanted was to be able to go to Lucy and hold her.
What he wanted was to be able to explain what had happened and why.
Not that I fully understand it either! What he wanted most of all was to be able to comfort his daughter, and for her to comfort him, because as much as she was hurting, so was he.
He needed her… God, how he did.
But Lucy was a child; she blamed Rhys for what happened, and that was not going to change unless Rhys figured out a way to reach her. But how would he do that? He was at a loss.
“Would you like me to try?” Mr. Marrow stood over his shoulder.
Rhys’ shoulders slumped. “I would, but then I might grow jealous.” He laughed bitterly. “That she would rather be around you than me… How can I explain to her that this is not my fault?”
“Time is what is needed,” Mr. Marrow sighed. “She will come to realize it eventually, just as she will come to understand that you love her and want what is best, Your Grace.”
“Will she though?”
“She knows that you love her, and that you will look out for her. She just needs time to adjust.”
As do I…
It had only been a few hours since Rhys learned of Violet’s leaving, and he was yet to come to terms with how he truly felt. Those hours since were spent trying to coax Lucy into his arms, a waste he now realized, leaving him lost and confused and unsure how to proceed.
He ought to have been happy that Violet had left. Was that not what he wanted? Was that not what he told Sebastian he would force, should she make him? Violet had acted while Rhys had hesitated, and she had made the hard decision for him.
Alas, as was so often the case, things were not that easy.
Rhys did not want Violet to go because he felt nothing for her. In fact, the complete opposite was true. It was because he cared for her, because of his feelings, that he pushed her away. And now that she was gone… I feel her absence not just in this home, but in my chest.
But why had she left? That was what Rhys could not grapple with.
Was it because of how he had treated her this last week? That felt absurd, and he knew that she would not have left Lucy if that was the only reason. There must have been something else… a cause that he did not know or understand.
Or maybe, and this was what hurt the most, it was just that she hated him. He had spurned her, refused her, and in so doing he had turned the one woman against him who had dared to care for him… who he cared for just as deeply in return.
She is right to hate me, and that realization hurts more than anything.
Rhys watched with dismay as Mr. Marrow walked into the room and sat with Lucy. And his heart crashed and caught a flame when Lucy threw her little arms around the aged servant and started to weep.
He wanted that to be him… he wanted to be there for her! But such was the type of man that he was, that Rhys did not know how. And likely, he never would.
With that final thought ringing in his ears, the weight of his failure settled on his shoulders so that it was crushing, Rhys turned from the nursery and walked down the hallway. And as was common in his life, and would be for some time, he did so alone.
Rhys spent the rest of that morning in a state of anxious worry.
He wanted to determine a way that he might be able to help Lucy through her sadness—that he might possibly make her see that this was not the end of the world, as she seemed to think. Try as he might to do that, he could not divorce his thoughts from Violet.
To go after her was the right thing to do, and Rhys was certain that if he did so, if he explained himself and apologized, that she would come back to him. But to do that would be to ignore the warning voice in his head that screamed at him of the dangers such a thing would present.
Still, he was sure that if Violet did return, it would be worse for her in the long run, as it would be worse for Lucy.
I just need to get through these first few days. Once I do, I will realize this was the right decision.
So it was that when Mr. Marrow informed Rhys that they had an unexpected visitor, Rhys perked up, his heart soared, and for a minute he dared to wonder if it was Violet returning. And for those few blessed seconds, he was able to pretend that all was well again.
“It is Miss Beaumont,” Mr. Marrow explained when he saw the hope in Rhys’ eyes. “She has returned to collect a few forgotten items.”
“Oh.” Rhys sank down in his chair. “Yes, that makes sense.”
“Shall I allow her access to the property?” Mr. Marrow asked him. “She is in the foyer at the moment, but I was not sure if —”
“Of course you ought to,” Rhys cut him off. “Her sister is still my wife, legally speaking, and this is still her home.” He said it sharply, as if Mr. Marrow was somehow to blame.
“Your Grace.” Mr. Marrow bowed and turned to leave.
“Wait,” Rhys called out without meaning to. His first thought was to ignore Rose entirely, because that would be easier to do. But he needed answers. He had to know why. “Might you inform Lucy that Rose is here,” he found himself saying. “No doubt she will wish to see her.”
“Are you certain, Your Grace?”
“I am.” He nodded firmly as he stood. “I will speak to Miss Beaumont myself.” Rhys strode from the office, feeling nowhere near as confident as he pretended he was.
Rose stood waiting in the foyer, and when Rhys appeared at the top of the staircase, she showed no indication whatsoever that she was surprised to see him.
“Rose.” Rhys started down the staircase, again to appear confident and in complete control. His world was not falling apart, and he was certainly not at a loss as to what he should do. “I thought I might see you today.”
“Did you now?” She had her arms folded and she raised a questioning eyebrow at him.
“The two of you left in such a rush last evening…” Rhys reached the bottom of the staircase and stopped, almost as if he was afraid to get too close to Rose. “Some might even call it fleeing, as if from a crime scene. It is no wonder a few things were missed.”
“That was my sister’s decision,” Rose said simply. “She thought you might appreciate waking to an empty home.”
“How selfless of her.”
“Personally, I disagreed with her decision,” Rose continued, dropping her arms, her voice softening. “In fact, I am quite certain that she disagrees with it too.”
“She…” He blinked as hope rose in his chest. “She does?”
Rose looked at him with pity. “She did not leave because she hates you, Your Grace. Typically, with Violet, she left because she has the absurd notion that it is the right thing to do.”
“And why does she think that?” Rhys demanded. “Do you know what I woke to this morning? I woke to the sound of tears. A three-year-old girl who has no idea what is going on but knows enough to feel distraught. Did she not think of Lucy when she decided to leave?”
“I assure you that Lucy is exactly who she was thinking of.”
“That does not make any sense!”
Rose exhaled and continued to look sad. “Violet does not know I am here, Your Grace, so what I am going to tell you now is not what she wants me to say. In fact, if she knew that I was here and telling you this…” A shake of the head. “I have no doubt that she would be rather furious.”
“I do not understand.”
“Violet still cares for you,” she explained sadly. “She might not say as much to me, but I know it to be true. Unfortunately, she believes that you no longer care for her. Or that you never did.”
Rhys opened his mouth to tell Rose that was not the case. He was so close… the words were right there… but he shoved them back.
Rose raised an eyebrow expectantly, and Rhys simply scowled at her to continue with what she was saying. He would not beg, and he would certainly not be the one to break.
“And it is because you no longer care for her…” She paused again, just for long enough to make sure that Rhys was not going to argue with her.
“Violet believes that her being here will come between you and Lucy. She wants the two of you to have a relationship, and she is sure that her leaving is the only way that can happen.”
“That is not… did she stop to think… Lucy is distraught!”
“Which pains her,” Rose said sadly. “But that is the thing about Violet. So often she will suffer and hurt gladly if she thinks that it might help those whom she cares about. She always puts others first, and always to her own detriment.”
“I never wanted this,” Rhys said, dropping the facade of anger. “Whatever Violet might think of me or… or how she might think that I view her, I wanted us to live together as a family. I wanted it for Lucy.”
“And what of you?” Rose pushed.
“What about me?”
“Do you want Violet to return? Not for Lucy, but for you?”
“I…” Again, the words were right there. All he had to do was say them. And Rhys knew that if he did, Rose would return to Violet and tell her exactly what he said.
Tell her the truth! Tell her that you are sorry, that you were wrong, that you want her back! And not for Lucy, but for yourself…
“I want her to return because I do not want Lucy to suffer.” He brought himself up, and his expression was straight and fixed. “It was the reason I married her in the first place. That is the only reason.”
Rose said nothing at first.
She looked at him probingly, seeming to see straight through his lies. Rhys had no doubt that she could, too. That whatever he might say, she could still see the sadness in his eyes, and the loss he felt in his heart that hurt more than anything.
“I will tell her you said as much,” Rose said simply. “Again, Your Grace, know that Violet did not leave because she hates you. And know too that it is not too late to fix this.”
“If anything is to be fixed, it is on Violet to do it herself.” He maintained his composure. “She is the one who left, not me.”
Rhys hated himself at that moment. He hated his lies. He hated that he was a coward. And he hated that no matter what he said or what he did, those he cared for were bound to suffer. It always seemed to be the way with him.
“Rose!” a voice screeched from the top of the staircase.
Rose’s eyes grew wide and a smile swept across her face. “Oh, there she is.”
Rose laughed as she hurried towards the stairs, stepping around Rhys and charging up them.
Lucy flew down them, and they met in the middle where they hugged one another as if they had not seen the other in years.
Rose laughed, Lucy cried, and Rhys watched on with a building sense of dread and jealousy that brought unbelievable amounts of shame to him.
“Why did you leave?” Lucy demanded as she held Rose. “Did I do…. Was it me?”
“Of course not,” Rose said to her. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“I want Violet,” Lucy sniffed. “Why is she not here?”
It broke Rhys’ heart.
And while he might have liked to have lain the blame at Violet’s feet, even he could not justify such a thing. As far as he was concerned, this was his fault, and it was up to him to fix it.
But he was stubborn. He was determined to prove himself right.
And most of all, he was scared. Now that he knew that Violet did not hate him, it somehow made it all worse.
If he apologized and she came back, what then?
How could he welcome her back into his life if he would only hurt her in the long run?
No, this is for the best. It might not seem like it right now, but I must believe it.
Rhys ended up leaving Rose and Lucy alone on the steps. He could not bring himself to watch them, just as he hated being reminded of the very real fact that he would never have that relationship with Lucy.
He had adopted the little girl because he wanted to do the right thing, but Rhys should have known that wanting to do the right thing and doing it were two completely different things. Once before, years ago, he had tried that, and it had ended in misery. So why would this time be any different?