Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
SIX WEEKS LATER
“I’m nervous. What if I’m not ready?” I ask Pepper.
It’s been six weeks. I’ve been doing daily sessions with Pepper and all kinds of alternative therapies while I’ve been here.
I feel lighter. My mind isn’t as dark a place as it was when I came in.
I’m not cured, though. I’ve learnt that there isn’t a cure for clinical depression.
I’ve also learnt coping mechanisms and now have tools to help me refocus my mind when it starts to go to those darker places.
“If I thought you weren’t ready, I would have recommended you stay longer. You’re ready, Zara. What are you nervous about?”
“I haven’t spoken to him in six weeks. What if he doesn’t want to see me anymore?”
“Ares?”
I nod my head. I’ve spoken to my parents and my sister once a week.
But I haven’t called him. I wanted to give him space and time.
Because I realised what I did to him wasn’t fair, and I’m so embarrassed.
Ares found me. He was the one who carried me into the hospital.
I should never have put him through something like that.
“What if he doesn’t? What will you do?” Pepper asks.
“I don’t know. I love him.”
“I know you do. But you have proven you don’t need him, Zara. You’ve been here for six weeks with no contact and you’ve made huge progress. Don’t forget how strong you are or how far you’ve come by yourself.”
She’s wrong. I do need Ares. I think I’ll always need him. But not in the way I was using him before. I don’t want Ares to be my crutch. I want him to just be mine. It will crush me if he doesn’t feel the same way anymore.
Kyla says he calls her asking about me every week, but is that just out of some kind of obligation? I don’t know.
“Zara, you’ve got this,” Pepper says, shaking me out of my own mind.
“I do have this.”
“You are going to be okay, and I’ll still be seeing you twice a week at your house,” she reminds me. “If you need me, you can always message or call.”
“Thank you,” I tell her.
I’d made progress with Dr Finn. But being here in a facility where the sole focus was on my mental health and finding ways to cope with my depression has helped me more than I thought was possible.
I continue colouring in the flower I’ve been working on for the past five minutes. One of the tools the centre has me using is mindfulness colouring. At first, I thought it was childish, but I gave it a go. And surprisingly, it does work to help quiet my mind.
“I’m going to need to invest in a colouring book company.” I laugh.
“Well, the world is your oyster, Zara. You can achieve anything you want to.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me if my parents already invest in some form of book company. I honestly don’t even know all the companies they own.”
“You have no control over what family you’re born into.
What you do have control over is how you use the opportunities that family presents you, Zara.
Remember, you can do great things with your opportunities.
Are you more fortunate than others? Sure, but you are also a kind-hearted young woman.
You want to help others. You want to earn your way in life. And I believe you will.”
“I really do appreciate all the help you’ve given me. I think this place might just have saved me.”
“No, you did that all on your own by acknowledging that you needed help. Not everyone can achieve that first step.”
My parents are hovering. They picked me up and brought me home. I asked them not to tell anyone I would be here today. I didn’t want word to get back to Ares.
“You don’t have to watch me. I’m okay,” I tell my dad, who made up some excuse of playing a card game with me. He’s sitting in the living room of my suite.
“I’m not watching you, Zara. I’m hanging out with you because you happen to be one of my favourite people in the entire world and I’ve missed you,” Dad says.
“I’ve missed you too, but I don’t need you to babysit me. I need you to trust me when I tell you I’m okay.”
“That might take a little time,” he says. “I’m sorry, but losing you isn’t something I’m prepared to do, Zara. If I have to hover over you to make sure that doesn’t happen, then I will.”
“Okay.” I nod my head. I understand his fear. I can’t fault my parents for worrying about me. This is exactly why I never wanted them to know.
“I was thinking it might be time for a remodel.” My dad looks around the room.
“Why?”
“Freshen things up. You’re not a little girl anymore. Maybe change some of the pink?” he suggests.
“I like pink. I don’t need to change anything. Besides, I’m going to be living on campus next year.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. I want a normal university experience—dorm room and all.”
“Why?”
“For one, you don’t like my boyfriend. I want to be able to have him visit me. For two, I want to experience the university life.”
“We can revisit this conversation later,” Dad says before changing the subject. “Speaking of boyfriends, have you spoken to him?”
“No, I want to surprise him. I’m going to his place, after school,” I say.
“Okay.”
I blink. Did my dad really just say okay? As in, he’s okay with me going to visit Ares? “You do know I’m talking about Ares, right?”
“I would hope so. I’d like to think you didn’t move on to some other punk-ass kid over the last six weeks. I’ve just gotten used to the idea of you being with a De Bellis.”
“You mean you don’t hate Ares anymore?” I ask.
“I’ll always hate him for you, but I can accept that you like him, and I trust you to only ever be with someone who treats you the way you should be treated,” Dad says. “Know your worth, Zara, always.”
“I do. And Ares treats me really good, Dad. He likes me a whole lot.” I smile. I really hope that’s still true.
There’s a knock. I look up and frown. Mum isn’t home. Maybe it’s Kyla.
“I’ll get it,” Dad says, standing and walking over to the door.
His body blocks the threshold so I can’t see who’s on the other side.
“The door stays open,” Dad grunts before he looks over his shoulder at me.
“Yell out if you need anything.” He then steps around the body currently hovering in my doorway.
Ares. He’s here. I stand but don’t move. My hands shake a little. I’ve been so nervous about seeing him, afraid that he wouldn’t want to see me. Now he’s here.
“Ares? What? How?”
“Did you forget to tell me you were coming home, P?” he says, taking slow steps towards me.
I shake my head. “I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to come to your place after school.” I smile. “Surprise,” I add quietly when he stops right in front of me.
Neither of us moves. I don’t know how much time passes while our eyes remain locked.
“I fucking missed you,” Ares says, breaking the silence.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d still want to see me,” I whisper.
“Why the fuck wouldn’t I want to see you, P?”
“Because of what I did,” I tell him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to apologise enough for the way you found me. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I did, and how that must have been for you, and you have to know that I’m sorry.”
“I don’t need you to be sorry, Zara. I just need to know that you’re still mine,” he says. “You wouldn’t let me call you. I was going out of my damn mind wondering why the hell you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”
“I wanted to give you space, to be able to decide if this is something you really want, Ares. I’m a lot. I know that. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to walk away. I wouldn’t like it, but I’d understand.”
“I’m never going to walk away. We’re supposed to be in this together.” Ares closes the distance between us. His arms wrap around the back of my waist, and he pulls me tight against his body. Burying his face in the crook of my neck. “I really, really missed you.”
“I missed you so much,” I tell him.