Chapter 25 Caroline
CAROLINE
Idon’t see much of my husband over the next week.
When this all started, the idea of going an entire seven days without having to interact with Finn Whelan would’ve seemed like heaven. Back then, all I wanted was to be left alone.
Now I’m getting plenty of time to myself. I can swim, sauna, lounge, watch movies, basically do whatever I want without anyone bothering me. I don’t have to think about money, about cleaning the apartment, about my family hunting me down.
I’m free in a way I’ve never experienced before.
And I hate it.
I keep feeling the hammer bashing into Red’s face. I keep seeing Shane’s bloated and disgusting corpse. Sometimes I’ll surface from being under in the pool and feel like I still have blood stuck all over my skin.
I want to talk to someone about it, and Finn’s pretty much the only person I can turn to. Except he’s never around.
Sometimes he’ll appear. An hour here, fifteen minutes there. The door to his room shuts, the shower comes on, and he’s gone as soon as he’s finished. I’m not even sure if he’s sleeping here anymore. I have my own room, my own space, my own life.
But I’m itching for more.
Dermot and Malachy are still out there.
My father is too.
When did I get like this? All my life, I’ve been hiding from my brothers. The idea of getting revenge never even occurred to me. At best I thought I could be like a mouse, hidden and quiet, never making any noise that would draw the attention of predators.
Now it’s like I’m a different person.
Was this in me the whole time and I just never knew it?
Thoughts swirl in my head. But most of all there’s a quiet but intense yearning for my husband. I want his hands on my body. I want his mouth near mine. I need to feel his solid, steady breathing, so I can feel like I’m not falling apart. And I need him to break me, just a little bit.
Eventually, I can’t take it anymore. It’s a Saturday night when I finally storm out of the apartment and down into the city.
I know the Whelan family and I’m very familiar with their haunts.
I’ve been to half the bars and heard about the rest. There’s a non-zero chance I’ll run into someone I know, but that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, right?
To everyone else, I’m just a married woman looking for her no-good husband.
They don’t know I’m a killer trying to find my accomplice.
I hit pay dirt on the fourth place I try.
It’s a bar at the edge of Whelan territory, an old rundown dive with a broken dartboard and sticky floors.
It smells like whiskey and something sour.
Liam’s sitting at a corner booth with a laptop open in front of him and a drink clutched in his hand. He’s frowning at the screen.
“You’re not who I wanted to find, but you’ll do in a pinch.”
He looks up, momentarily startled, and quickly gathers himself. His customary smirk spreads across his lips as he leans back, shuts his laptop lid, and considers me.
“Now what is my boss’s wife doing in a shithole like this?”
“Where’s Finn?” I slide into the booth across from Liam. “I want to talk to him.”
“He’s your husband. You should probably know.”
“Believe it or not, he basically does whatever he wants.”
“No shock there.”
“He’s not answering his phone. He’s ignoring my texts. Where’s Finn?”
Liam grunts and looks away. He seems thoughtful, which isn’t usually like him. “You know what I hate? Fucking computers.”
“Weird, since there’s one right in front of you.”
“They can do basically anything, right? But you have to know what you want first, and that’s always been my problem. I want everything right now immediately all at once.”
“Sounds like a personal problem. Tell Finn I’m waiting for him.”
Liam drums his fingers on the lid. “But you know who is good at computers?” He pauses meaningfully. “Your brother.”
That gets my attention. “You’ve been following Dermot?”
“I’ve been following all of them.” He tilts his head like he’s trying to come to a decision. “I’ve got one question. Does Dermot like to play poker?”
“Seriously? Yeah, he likes it. I’ve seen him playing online a million times. I’m pretty sure he makes money doing it.”
“Professional gambler, huh. He must be pretty talented.”
“I have no clue. I bet he has all the probabilities memorized. What’s this got to do with my husband?”
“Nothing at all. Just wanted to confirm a hunch.” Liam slides out of the booth. “Stay here. Get a drink if you want, on my tab. I’ll fetch the ball and chain for you.”
I watch him go, not sure what the whole poker thing was all about, but a strange bubbly feeling in my gut says Liam’s cooking up another opportunity. I should be terrified, sick at the thought of killing another one of my brothers, but I can’t help the smile that trickles its way up from my core.
When I was twelve, Dermot posted the contents of my diary online.
It was mostly stupid kid stuff, but I was mortified.
All my friends at school saw it and made fun of me mercilessly.
When I confronted him, he just knocked me down and kicked me in the stomach and told me he was developing his own private artificial intelligence and I should be happy to contribute to his brilliant research.
To this day, I think he was just fucking with me.
That was Dermot’s private style of bullying.
There was physical stuff. All my brothers are big and liked slapping me around.
But information was always his favorite thing.
If I had a secret, Dermot would find out, no matter what.
He discovered when I got my period for the first time and told everyone in my class.
He somehow got a picture of me kissing a boy under the bleachers at a football game, gave it to my father, and watched as he beat me bloody.
I couldn’t take a step in the wrong direction without Dermot finding out and using it against me.
And it was always my fault. That bothered me the most. No matter what he did, no matter how many lines he crossed, it was always for my own good, and I shouldn’t have been breaking the rules anyway. I deserved what I got.
I take Liam up on that drink after ten minutes. It’s an hour and a second glass of wine before Finn appears at the edge of the table. He’s in jeans and a dark jacket.
“Took you long enough.” I tilt my glass to the side and consider him. “I thought Liam had forgotten about me.”
“I was hoping you’d just go home.” He sits across from me and doesn’t look happy about it. “What are you doing here, Caroline?”
“Looking for my husband.”
“You could’ve found me at the apartment.”
“Actually, that’s not true. You’ve barely stepped foot in that place in the past week.”
He glances to the side and I can tell he knows I’m right. “I’ve been busy.”
“No, you’ve been avoiding me. What’s going on?”
Finn still doesn’t look over, and that’s all the confirmation I need. This really is about me, and I don’t understand why.
“I’ve been waiting for you to cool off,” he says after an excruciating pause. He finally meets my gaze and his expression is hard. “We need to take a break.”
I stiffen with shock. For a gut-twisting second, I think he’s talking about our relationship. What the hell did I do to piss him off like this? We were starting to get along—really, really well, actually—and now he wants to move away from that?
But I realize that’s not what he’s talking about. His jaw’s tight and this is clearly difficult for him. “Are you getting cold feet on me?” I ask, trying to make my tone lighthearted and jokey, but it comes out choked and pathetic.
He shakes once. “No, but we’re moving too fast. You don’t want to get caught, right? If we don’t take a step back, your father’s going to figure out what we’ve been doing.”
“You mean murdering my brothers?”
“Call it what you want, but we need to be more careful.”
“Since when did you care about that? Here I was thinking all you wanted was their corpses. I thought you were willing to go to any lengths.”
“I’m concerned about you, Caroline.”
I can’t help but laugh. The idea is hilarious. “And yet you basically dragged me into your revenge murder scheme without a second thought, remember?”
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Too late now, asshole.” I lean forward, voice dropping. My finger stabs into the table. “I want to kill Dermot. I think Liam’s working on a plan.”
“I don’t care what Liam’s doing. You’re not going to be involved.”
“What? Are you kidding me?”
“I mean it, Caroline. You’re out of control.”
I’m tempted to throw my drink in his face.
It’s infuriating. That smug fake concern drives me absolutely insane.
“You weren’t worried when you were fucking me, remember?
” I don’t even know why I throw that in his face.
I’m frustrated and angry, partly because of this sudden twist, but also because I’ve been feeling abandoned for the past week.
He flinches but doesn’t look away. “You’re right. I wasn’t worried then. All I could think about was touching you more. That’s all I can still think about. That’s why we need to slow down.”
“Great, I’m glad you’re worried about getting more sex from me, but that’s not happening unless I’m getting something I want.”
That’s not fair and it’s definitely not nice. Finn’s hands lace together and I notice he’s gripping them tightly. He’s fighting to stay calm right now while I’m doing everything to bait him into anger. I throw back my wine and take a breath before I say something I’m really going to regret.
“I know you’re angry. I can’t even blame you.
I promised I’d let you go after we finished off your brothers and your father, and I swear I’ll give that to you when this is all over.
But right now, if you want to have any life after this is over, we need to be smart.
It’s not about me and you, Caroline. It’s just about you. ”
I make myself pause before I answer. My first thought is some cutting retort, but I’m being a bitch and I need to settle down. When I’ve taken a second, I lean in.
“I’m going to lose my nerve,” I say plaintively. “If we stop, all these ugly thoughts in my head are going to catch up, and I’m afraid of when that happens.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of. They’re the abusers.”
“And now I’m a murderer. Look, I don’t want to get into a discussion of who’s worse.
We’re all monsters here, right? I’m just saying that if we’re going to do this together, we need to keep going.
I’m like a giant rolling boulder with all my momentum behind me, but the second I come grinding to a halt, I doubt I’ll ever get back up to speed. ”
“I hear you,” he says, sliding sideways from the booth. “But that doesn’t change anything. I’ll be your push if that’s what you need when the time comes. For now, get some rest.”
“That’s all I’ve been doing. I’m tired of resting.” He starts to walk away. “When are you coming home, Finn? Where have you been sleeping?”
He doesn’t answer. I watch him go. Frustration rolls down my spine and I have to dig my fingernails into my thigh to keep from crying. Nothing is more pathetic than a girl sobbing alone at a booth in a dive bar.
Screw him. He can run around the city all he wants. I’m not slowing down and I’m sure as hell not stopping. If he doesn’t want to help, that’s fine by me.
I’ll take matters into my own hands.