48. Carina
FORTY-EIGHT
CARINA
By the time work is done for the day, I’m practically dragging myself to my car.
Sleeping in Henrik’s bed has helped me get more rest, but it’s not perfect since he’s not here.
And I’m plagued with insomnia. I plan to grab a quick takeout meal and go to Henrik’s to eat, shower, and sleep.
I want to be well-rested for my dinner with the Bergs tomorrow night.
Right after the guys left, we had our first dinner over at the Berg’s house, but we’ve been invited back.
I pull my phone and keys out of my purse and head for the door.
The screen lights up with a message from Mia.
Mia
Call me as soon as you see this.
Worry fills my gut. With her message seeming so urgent, I wonder if Henrik is okay. Worst-case scenarios flood my mind. The worst one making my stomach violently churn as my heart seizes.
Right as I’m about to call her back, I notice several missed calls.
Fear tears through me. Rushing to my car, I climb in and throw my purse into the passenger seat before returning her call.
Putting it on speakerphone, I wait for her to answer, a chill running through me.
It feels like forever before she picks up.
“Carina,” she cries. “Thank you for finally calling me back.” The emotion in her voice chokes me, and I struggle to get any words out.
Finally, I croak, “Mia, what is going on? Is Henrik okay?” Sending silent prayers of safety heavenward, I wait desperately for an answer.
“Yes and no,” she says, and I cringe.
“What’s that supposed to mean? Was there an accident?” I shout, panicked. My nerves are shot. The idea of him hurt or worse has me in knots.
With a trembling voice, she says, “No, but something happened.”
Frustrated and impatient, I say, “Mia, just tell me. This not knowing is killing me.”
“Okay, you know how you told me about Hawaii?”
“Yeah,” I answer, not understanding what that has to do with anything.
She quietly confesses, “I told Eirik, and he told Henrik.” And there it is. The realization of what she’s trying to say hits me with such force that I struggle to breathe.
“What?” I pant. “Mia, I hadn’t told Henrik about Hawaii because I didn’t have all the details before he left. Why did you tell Eirik?”
“I don’t know,” she mumbles. “It just came out.” My stomach clenches and my thoughts become a chaotic mess.
Knowing Henrik, I’m sure he’s angry and hurt.
Without the entire story, I can understand why he might think the worst. Before I can figure out a way to fix this, I need to know what he thinks.
“What exactly did you tell Eirik?”
“I told Eirik there was a position in Hawaii that you were interested in since KFCR didn’t have a biologist position available for you.”
Shit. I can almost guarantee if that’s what Eirik told Henrik, he thinks I’m leaving, and without even talking to him. A pained moan falls from my lips as I drop my head against my steering wheel.
“Y-you sounded so excited about the opportunity. I-I didn’t mean to tell him, but it slipped out. I’m so sorry.”
Making myself sit up, I take a few deep breaths and slowly blow them out, jostling my scented tree air freshener. “It’s not your fault. I didn’t tell you it was a secret. Did Eirik say how he reacted?”
“Eirik said he freaked out and ended the conversation. Then he turned off his phone so we couldn’t contact him.
” That’s not good. Knowing my decision to withhold information may have ruined not only my relationship but a lifelong friendship, has me feeling nauseous.
Clutching my stomach, a lump forms in my throat as tears threaten to leak from my eyes.
“Of course he did,” I whisper, more for myself than Mia.
“What?” she asks innocently.
“Henrik thinks his girlfriend, who told him she loves him and wants a future with him, has been keeping secrets from him about a job in Hawaii. And instead of hearing it from her, he hears it from his best friend, who heard it from his sister. I majorly screwed up.”
Mia gasps loudly. “But this is all just a big misunderstanding. He only knows part of the story, right?”
“Yes,” I say as my head pounds. Rubbing my temple, I feel a tension headache coming on.
“So, once he hears the rest, he’ll understand. He’s just really hurt right now. At least, that’s what Edgar said.” Her logic is sound, but Henrik’s fallback mode is grump. He’ll only listen if he wants to.
“What? You talked to Edgar? How? Henrik said he only uses his phone in case of an emergency.”
Mia groans. “Emergency? What would you call this? In my opinion, this qualifies as an emergency. Eirik called me in a panic, and I tried calling Henrik to explain everything. But he refused to answer. So, I did the next best thing—I called my other brother. When he finally answered, I asked about Henrik.”
The first tear falls as realization sinks in.
By trying to protect Henrik, I ruined everything, even putting Henrik’s relationships with his siblings in jeopardy.
Withholding information had been my choice.
I’d made my decision because I was trying to prevent unnecessary trouble for us.
I’d told myself why bring something up that might never happen.
But now that was all a waste. I hurt the one person I love more than anything. And fixing it seems unlikely.
I choke out, “Mia, I need to talk to Henrik. But if he isn’t talking to you or Eirik, he won’t take my call, and this can’t wait until he’s back. If it does, it’ll ruin everything we have.”
She sniffles and whispers, “I’m so sorry, Carina. I never meant to hurt either of you.”
With the back of my hand, I wipe my damp cheeks, and frown.
“Don’t blame yourself. This falls on me.
I should have told him about Hawaii. Even though I didn’t know the details before he left, I should have told him I hadn’t planned to leave Kodiak for good, and that I was only looking for something to distract me while he was at sea and to give me more job experience. ”
“But—” she starts to object.
With a whimper, I cut her off. “He’s never going to forgive me.”
“Don’t say that. He loves you. His feelings are hurt.
He just needs time.” I hear her words, but I can’t accept them.
Henrik is stubborn, and once he makes his mind up, he sticks to it.
It’s one of the things I love most about him.
He always knows what he wants. He never wavers.
And I feel blessed to have been his choice.
From the moment he told me he loved me, I never doubted him.
But now that I’ve hurt him, I’m fearful I’m no longer his choice.
Feeling the last remnants of my heart shred, I do the only thing I can. “Mia, I have to go. I think he needs space, and I’m giving it to him.” I hang up before she can say anything else.
Scrolling through my contacts, I pull up Mrs. Berg.
Me
I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to make it to dinner tomorrow. I’m not feeling well.
Then I pull up my text history with Henrik. I scan through our previous conversations and declarations of love, and the floodgates burst open. Blinking through a steady stream of tears, I type a message to him.
Me
I don’t know if you’ll even read this or not, but I need to explain myself.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Hawaii before you left.
I knew very little about what the position entailed.
I was offered the job a few days ago but turned it down.
It was only a temporary position studying whales while you’re at sea, but KFCR couldn’t offer me a sabbatical, so I refused it.
It would have been an amazing opportunity to expand my work experience and pad my resume, but I didn’t want to give up Kodiak.
Or you. I’m sorry that my attempt to protect you only left you vulnerable.
It was never my intent. I love you more than anything.
It’s killing me that we can’t talk through this.
I’ll give you some space, and if you want to talk about this or us, all you have to do is reach out.
Again, I’m sorry, Henrik. I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much.
Hitting the send button is torture, but I do it.
I start my car and drive to his house. Letting myself in, I already feel like an unwelcome visitor. I move through the familiar space, quickly grabbing my things. When I’m sure I have everything, I lock up and slide my key under the welcome mat.
I check my phone, seeing that my message to him remains unread.
Me
I removed all my things from your house, and left the key under your welcome mat.
Completely broken, I drive home.
My phone dings as I park, and my heart lurches. Henrik!? I hold my breath as I check the screen, clinging to my last bit of hope. It isn’t him. My chest constricts, causing me to suck in a labored breath.
Mrs. Berg
I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. Do you need anything? I could stop by Henrik’s with a pot of soup. Please let me know. Hugs.
What are his parents going to say when they find out? Swallowing hard, I push that thought out of my head.
Me
That’s very sweet of you, but unnecessary. I’m just going to hunker down and sleep. Thank you for always being so kind to me.
Grabbing my purse, I head for my apartment. I don’t want to talk to anyone but Henrik, and he won’t talk to me, so I turn my phone off. As soon as I get into my bedroom, I strip out of my work clothes and crawl beneath my down comforter.
The last time I’d been in my bed, I hadn’t been able to sleep because Henrik’s warm body wasn’t wrapped around me. Now the idea of that crushes me.
Will I ever experience the comfort and safety of him again?
Closing my eyes, I allow myself to succumb to the barrage of emotion I’ve endured over the last hour. All I know is, when I wake up, my life will be drastically different. And I’m not ready.