Chapter 27
He walks out the door, and a heavy silence falls over the room. I can’t move. I’m in shock. He’s gone. He cut me loose. I just… I can’t… It makes no sense. And it hurts. It’s so painful I want to collapse onto the floor and let myself fall apart. I’m surprised at the depth of my feelings. I knew I liked him, but my heart is breaking right now. Worse than it has ever broken before.
I can’t breathe. I can’t control the emotions waging war on me from the inside out.
I’m still standing in the kitchen. I know I should probably be doing something, but I’m just frozen. If I take a step or say a single word, I’m going to shatter. I don’t want to do that in front of everyone. This stupid show. I should have known. Every season, more than one contestant gets crushed. Why had I thought I’d be different? Why did I think I was special?
Because Sebastian made me believe I was.
And now he’s gone.
Ella is the first to move. She stops when she sees me frozen in place. José is right there with her, filming my shame. I’m the idiot. The show’s big heartbreak. There’s always one that shocks the audience. The big “gotcha” at the end. I’ve always wondered how those contestants could be so fooled. I still don’t have an answer to that because I have no idea how I was so taken in. I’ve never been this caught off guard in my whole life. I just… I’m gobsmacked. And I’m devastated. Sebastian Monroe just destroyed me.
I meet my best friend’s questioning stare, feeling lost and utterly helpless. “He left.”
Ella pulls me into her arms. If anyone understands how much this is killing me right now, it’s her. She’s always been able to see me when others couldn’t. She knows me better than I know myself. “Come sit down,” she says gently.
I follow her into the living room, still stunned. “He’s gone.”
I just can’t believe it.
I fall to the couch and stare at nothing at all. Why can I not process this?
Ella sits beside me and takes my hand. “It’s going to be okay,” she says.
I swallow, fighting back tears, and look at my best friend. “Is it?”
My dads rush forward then. Dad Glen takes the open seat on my right, and Dad Stefan squats down in front of me. He takes my hand from Ella. “Sweetheart, he let you go because he cares about you. It was the right thing to do.”
I shake my head. How could this be the right thing? How could he just leave like that if he really cared about me? He told me he loved me, and then he just walked away.
My eyes fill with the tears I’ve been trying so hard to keep at bay. Dad Stefan’s face crumbles when the moisture leaks from my eyes and streaks down my cheeks. “Baby, don’t cry.”
A single fierce sob breaks free from my chest, but I quickly choke back the others that want to follow it. I’m stronger than this. I won’t break. I take a deep breath, wipe my tears away, and calm myself. There are more important things to worry about than Sebastian. Rich Coleman is dying. Ella and the twins need me. My broken heart is nothing compared to their pain. That thought grounds me, and I shift my priorities. I compartmentalize my emotions. I don’t want to worry the girls when they’re already dealing with so much. “I’m okay.”
Ella doesn’t look convinced, especially not when my voice continues to shake as I speak. “I mean it. I’ll be all right. Now that I’m no longer a contestant, we can focus on what’s really important. I’d like to go visit Rich.”
Ella stares at me for a long, few seconds as if she’s deciding whether or not she should argue with me. “Please,” I say, squeezing her hand. “I’ve been so worried about him. And about Jennifer, and all of you.”
Ella crinkles her brow and purses her lips, but gives in. “Okay. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you.”
I look around the room, surprised to see Andrea, Jeremiah, and Aaron standing near the front door. When did they get here? I’m glad to see them. Andrea is just the person I need to talk to. “If Sebastian let me go, does that mean I’m free from my contract?”
She gives me an uneasy smile. “There are still the post-filming obligations you agreed to, but for now, yes, you are out of the game. Your things will be brought to your apartment this evening.”
My chest throbs a little at the thought of not seeing Katie, Willow, and Emma again. Or Tina and Sadie. That’s how the show works, though. No good-byes. You always have your bags packed so that if you’re sent home on a date, that’s it. You go straight home. My suitcases were packed before I left the mansion this morning.
“We’ll need you to come and sign some things, but then you’re free until the publicity for the season starts. We’ll be in touch soon with a schedule of appearances you’ll need to make. And, of course, you’re still part of the team. I hope we see you back next season. Thanks to you, I’m sure we’ll have one.”
I’m sure they will too. I definitely made this a memorable season. I sort of hate that I did, but I’m glad that Andrea and James, and Tina and Sadie, will still have jobs. I guess I can even be happy for José and all the camera crews. Still wish Jeremiah and Aaron would be canceled, but nothing’s perfect.
Andrea leads me outside to another waiting limo. It’s only a few miles from my dads’ apartment to the production offices where I have to go to sign some release forms. I climb into the car and sink into the back seat. Aaron, José, and his camera man follow me inside. I should have known. They want one last confessional from me while I’m all upset and rejected.
When my eyes start to sting again, I close them. I take a deep breath and try to clear my mind like Willow taught me when we did our meditation. I need to center myself.
The car starts moving. I leave my eyes shut and keep up my breathing exercises. Calm. I can be calm. I can be strong. I will not fall apart in front of this camera.
A throat clears, then Aaron says, “Are you okay?”
Slumping my shoulders, I open my eyes. May as well answer his questions. The sooner I do, the sooner I can be finished with all of this. “I’ll be okay,” I say, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes, then combing my fingers through my hair. I feel like a mess, though I’m probably only a wreck on the inside.
“Are you angry?”
I flash my eyes to Aaron. Am I angry? I take a moment to sort through my feelings. I’m a lot of things right now, but angry isn’t one of them. I try to smile. I don’t know how well I accomplish it. “How can I be angry? He let me go so that I could be with my family and friends during a difficult time. He didn’t want to, but he did it for me. It was very selfless of him.”
Aaron continues with his interrogation. Will this last all the way to the production office? “How do you feel right now? Are you hurt? He didn’t even look back.”
I clench my teeth, but try to keep the smile on my face. So nice of him to point that out. Asshole. “I’m surprised. I’m sad. I’ll miss him. But I have no hard feelings.”
“Do you love him?”
All I can see is the look on Sebastian’s face when he asked me that same question just minutes ago. The hope and then the hurt when I stood there and said nothing. I just said nothing. A surge of adrenaline rushes through my body, ending in my chest, making my heart throb painfully. I made a mistake. I refused to see it this whole time, but it’s there. He’s been trying to tell me for weeks. I was too scared to listen. We had something special. And I ruined it.
“Does it matter?” I ask, refusing to admit my feelings to anyone, especially not a sleaze like Aaron who has no clue what love is.
Aaron lets me ride the rest of the way in peace and quiet, but the cameras continue rolling. I keep my gaze focused out the window and concentrate on containing my emotions. I just want to have a good cry. I want to process my feelings. I’m hurt and overwhelmed and confused. I really thought I was going to be proposed to at the end of this. I wasn’t sure if I’d say yes, but I was confident in Sebastian’s feelings for me. I was looking forward to starting a relationship with him.
I know why he did it. He did it for me. It was thoughtful and generous and very selfless. It was the nicest thing any man has ever done for me. I’m so grateful to him, and yet I’m so disappointed I feel like I’m grieving. I can’t make sense of the conflicting emotions. I’m a jumbled mess. I need Ella.
I let out a breath of relief when we reach the production office and the camera crew doesn’t follow me out of the car. Andrea and Jeremiah lead me to HR, where I sign a few things, and then I’m free to go. Andrea gives me a hug and tells me she hopes to see me again next season. I make no promises. Jeremiah gives me a stiff handshake and warns me that I’m obligated to do some press appearances. It’s in my contract. I roll my eyes and am proud of myself when I don’t tell him to shove his contract up his ass.
A weight lifts from my shoulders as I walk away. A lot of weight. I didn’t realize how much this whole ordeal was really bogging me down.
I’m lost in my own head and don’t hear Aaron calling my name until I’m at the front door about to leave the building. Aaron grabs my arm to stop me. “Vivian! Hold on.”
Ugh. I really don’t want to deal with him right now, but I force a strained smile anyway. “What’s up?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
He flashes me his million-dollar smile and puts his arm around me to guide me off to the side of the lobby. I wriggle out of his hold and give him an impatient stare. “Yes?”
His good mood is not deterred by my attitude. “You’re done with the show, but this doesn’t have to be good-bye. Now that you’re free, why don’t you give me your number? I only have two more weeks of filming. I’ll call you as soon as it’s over, and we can see where this thing between us goes.” He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips. “I have a good feeling.”
I have a feeling too, but it’s not a good one. It’s revulsion. And anger. I pull my hand away from him and take a step back, shooting him a glare that could give Sebastian’s a run for its money. “I’ve told you several times there is nothing between us.”
Aaron rolls his eyes and smirks like we’re sharing a secret. “Well, of course you had to say that while you were a contestant. You could have been sued for fraternization with the crew. But you’re free now.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m sorry, Aaron. I don’t know how to make this any clearer. I’m not interested. There is nothing between us, and we are never going to go out.”
Aaron laughs once, but his smile falls the longer I don’t laugh with him. When he finally realizes I’m seriously rejecting him, a nasty sneer takes over his plastic, fake-tanned Botoxed face. “You can’t be serious.”
I simply fold my arms and wait out his disbelief.
“Is it Sebastian? You can’t actually like him. The man is an insufferable asshole.”
I nearly explode from the need to defend Sebastian. “He’s not an asshole. He’s the kindest, most considerate man I’ve ever met. He’s a little gruff on the outside, but deep down he’s sweet and caring.”
Aaron’s jaw drops. “You fell for him.”
I pull my shoulders back and lift my chin defiantly. Yes. I fell for him. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Sebastian is a man worth falling for.
Aaron blinks at me, still incredulous. “You actually love him.”
I admit it out loud for the first time. “Yeah. I do.”
Aaron’s scoff is so hard it knocks me back. “He’s a fraud,” he spats. “A fake. A liar. You think he loves you? He doesn’t. You were just the best option. Nothing more. He never cared about you. And now that you’re gone, he’ll just pick the next best girl. All he needs is a wife.”
I hate to believe anything Aaron says, but it also makes sense. How many times has Sebastian said he has to find a wife? It’s the only reason he did the show. But I refuse to accept that he doesn’t care about me. That he was only playing me to get what he wanted. “You’re wrong.”
Aaron smiles smugly and crosses his arms over his chest when he realizes he’s put a chink in my armor. “I’m not.”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. Even if all he needs is a wife, he’s still a good man. He’s still a hundred times the man you’ll ever be.”
Shock crosses Aaron’s face, but it’s quickly replaced with indignation and rage. “Is that so?”
I shrug.
“You greedy bitch. You just want his money. You’ll regret choosing Sebastian over me. He’s nothing. A socially inept asshole with a bad temper. I’m going to ruin him. I’m going to expose him for the fraud he is. We’ll see how much you still love him when the whole world hates him and he’s got nothing left.”
I barely have time to wonder what he means by “fraud” and when “he’s got nothing left” before Aaron whirls around and storms off. I decide not to dwell on it. Aaron is just spouting garbage. He’s a classic narcissist and doesn’t like being rejected. He’ll say anything to save face.
Letting his anger slide off me, I escape while I can. I catch an Uber back to my apartment and sink down onto the bed, feeling weary all the way to my bones. I can’t remember ever feeling so exhausted. It’s not a physical exhaustion, though, it’s a mental one. I’ve been pushed to my limits for so long that I don’t know what to do with myself now that it’s over.
I look around the empty apartment and can’t stop the memories of being here with Sebastian earlier today from screaming at me. Just hours ago, we stood right here in this room holding each other and joking about our future together. We made out on this bed. Everything was amazing. And now it’s just over. He’s gone. And he’s going to pick Emma. I want to be happy for her, but I’m not. I’m jealous. She’s going to get the future I was just starting to look forward to. And the worst part is, they don’t really love each other. They’ll both be settling. Sebastian threw away the best thing that’s ever happened to either of us. He did it for me, so I could be with Ella and her family. But he still did it. And Aaron was right: He never looked back.
I push the thought away. I can’t dwell on it. I’ll go insane obsessing over the could-have-beens. I’ve survived plenty of failed relationships. I’ll get past this one, too. I just need to focus on what’s important. I need a distraction.
I text Ella.
Me: I’m free. Dinner?
Ella: You bet.