24. Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lina
I slide out from under Carter’s muscular arm. Moving slowly, I inch my body off the bed. Trying not to wake him, I scurry around the room, grabbing my clothes. I bend down to slip on my panties when I hear his smooth voice—right before I get them up to my knees.
“Lina.” His voice is muffled as his face is buried in the pillow. “I know you’re trying to sneak out.”
My nose wrinkles, and I grin to myself. Carter knows me a lot better than I thought he did. “How would I sneak out? This is my house.”
“I don’t know.” He’s lying on his stomach, arms tucked under the pillow above his head. “But I know you were going to leave the room.”
I exhale. He wants me to get back in bed with him. And I want to as well, but things are becoming comfy between us. It’s terrifying. I give in, sliding back off my panties—which is the only piece of clothing I managed to get on before he caught me.
I crawl back into the bed as Carter flips over. Cuddling into the crook of his extended arm, I’m filled with both warmth and terror .
He feels so good. We feel so good. Why do I constantly want to run? There are many reasons why I can’t fully give myself to him. I’m flawed. I’m a flawed human, and the thought of finding my match with another reminds me of the truth. It simply won’t happen.
I comfortably rest my head on top of Carter’s compass tattoo. His most intricate piece of art spans the entire left side of his chest. I trace each cardinal direction with my eyes—memorizing every detail. A familiar action that’s now become a comfort. I need to remember everything for the day that all this will end.
I haven’t forgotten that Carter asked about what happened to me. I’ve never had plans to tell him—or anyone. My friends don’t even know. As an adult, I wish I could go back in time to visit that young, fresh-faced high schooler. I’d give her a hug and tell her she’s not alone. I would reassure her none of it was her fault. But I’d also like to prepare her for how it will shape her entire view on relationships and men.
Unfortunately, those scars have shaped the person I’ve become, and the aftermath has never entirely dissipated.
The darkness that follows me everywhere I go hitches a ride on my back and weighs me down. Desperately pulling me in, it claws at my thoughts, awareness, and mind. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve beaten them—swallowed those memories whole. But soon enough, I get those little reminders, a sharp ping that doesn’t allow me to forget they’re still around, lurking in the shadows.
Waiting.
Watching.
When they strike, they wreak havoc on my psyche .
“Prom night began as most would. My friends and I got ready together at my house. We all had dates with seniors and joked about who was going to lose their virginity finally—”
I feel Carter’s body relax into the bed. His hand comes up to caress my forehead. Running his fingertips along my hairline, he soothes me. He doesn’t ask what I’m talking about, and I have no need to explain what I’m going to say next because he already knows I’m finally about to share something deeply personal with him.
“I went with Kirk. He was on the football team. He was a little cocky for my taste, but it made me proud he asked me since every girl on campus would give anything to be noticed by him. After the dance, a group of us went to Kirk’s family cabin a little north of here. Within an hour or so, the place was overcrowded with high school students looking to have a night of fun and drinking.” I rub my lips together, and the heaviness in my chest returns as I say out loud the events of this horrible night.
“I’ve had way too much to drink,” I slur, struggling to stand on my feet. I feel like I’ve gotten off of a horrible amusement park ride. “What the heck is jungle juice anyway?”
“It’s Everclear and Kool-Aid.” Kirk grabs one of my arms to brace me.
I grimace. “Thank you.”
Then his eyes lock with mine. “You’re so beautiful, Lina. I’ve waited all year to ask you out.” He licks his lips, then leans in to kiss me. The kiss is bad. Not at all what I expected. The smell of Kirk’s breath mimics sour beer—almost identical to how it tastes. I fucking hate beer.
“You didn’t have to wait until prom to ask me out.” I play coy .
I’m a little drunk but still sassy. I’ve liked Kirk since the beginning of freshman year. He’s the only guy who doesn’t show me any attention and the only one I’ve wanted since that day in Algebra. His wavy blond hair is short on the sides and longer on top. He has this arrogant cockiness about him, which pulls me in like a magnet.
“Let’s go upstairs to lie down for a bit before I take you home?” he says, more like a demand than a question. Before I have a chance to respond, he’s leading me up the creaky hardwood stairs. My vision is a little foggy while I let him lead me away from the party—and away from my friends. Even after the amount of alcohol my petite frame drank, distant alarm bells were vibrating in my bones. I push them aside, telling myself he’s a great guy and there is nothing to worry about.
Kirk opens the door to a dark room at the end of a long hallway. “No one will find us in here.”
“Are we hiding from someone?” I giggle, wondering if we were playing some kind of a game.
Suddenly, the air is knocked out of me. I’m shoved onto a bed that appeared from the darkness. I gasp. My heart is racing. My eyelids flutter. I grip the sheets, trying to keep my balance, scanning the room to gain my bearings. Before I have time to react, Kirk is on top of me, sticking his tongue down my throat.
On instinct, I push him away.
“What are you doing?” I shout, but it’s no use because he comes right back.
“We are the two hottest people on campus. It makes sense for us to be together.” His words come out filled with spit, misting the skin on my neck. I shiver as his beer-soaked spit rolls down to my upper back .
I jerk my shoulder, moving away. “That’s fine. We can date. But I don’t want to do this here.”
His body weight is pressure on my chest. I can barely capture a full breath of air. I’m wriggling away, but Kirk crawls higher on top of me. From my peripheral, I watch in slow motion as his arms come around to grip my wrists and force them above my head. Now, starting to panic, my mind flips through several things I can say or do at this moment.
But this is his way of playing? Just because I’ve watched him from afar or because we’re in similar friend circles doesn’t mean I know him well.
Licking up and down my face and ear, he’s sloppy. It’s now grossing me out. Still trying to wiggle free, Kirk continues to rub his core up and down my body.
“You’re making me feel uncomfortable,” I grit through my teeth, flipping my head back and forth to avoid his mouth.
The minute I feel his cock grow between us, panic seizes hold of my insides. Like a light switch, I’m now fully aware this is not my choice. He’s strong, and with my hands pinned above my head, I can barely budge.
“Kirk! I don’t want to do this.” Now, I am more sober than I have been the entire night. I guess that happens when a person’s fight-or-flight instinct kicks into overdrive.
“Yes, you do,” he corrects in a tone that indicates he has no intention of listening to me.
“Okay, maybe we can meet at my house? I don’t want to do this here.” I try to negotiate, saying anything I can to get him off my back, but it comes out more like begging.
“No, Lina. This is happening.” His voice is dark—and not a sexy dark, more like threatening darkness that shoots a chill down my spine and another lashing of panic at my back.
As we all were heading to the cabin, the light drizzle of rain and the impending storm caused a light concern among our group, but now the crashing sound of thunder rattling the windows was the only thing I’m not afraid of.
I kick my legs, slicing them through the area, garnering enough strength to free the bottom half of my body. Kirk responds but clenches his thighs tighter, locking my legs into place. I am not a match for this large seventeen-year-old football player who works out multiple times a week. “Kirk! I’m saying no. Please. I don’t want to do this!” I plead, tears spilling from my eyes.
“Is she putting up a fight?” I hear another male voice accompanying a sliver of light from the hallway.
“Yes. I need your help, Landon.”
Every muscle in my body stiffens, and my breath halts. Kirk is asking him for help. Oh my god, Landon is going to hold me down. I know it.
“Please, Landon,” I cry out, begging for help from another one of Kirk’s teammates. Landon was also my lab partner during the first semester last year. He’ll help.
“I don’t know about this man.” Landon’s voice shakes with uncertainty. “If this was for fun and she was down with fucking around, I’d be all for it. But Lina doesn’t seem into it.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Kirk screams behind him. “This is your one chance to fuck the prom queen. Are you going to take it or not?”
“No, man.” Landon shakes his head and then shuts the door behind him, leaving me alone with Kirk.
“Only you and me, baby.” He bites my cheek. A sharp pain shoots up my face and into my ear. I cry out in desperation.
Then, he takes one hand and quickly unbuckles his belt.
I hear his zipper slide down.
Adrenaline pumps through my veins, and I flail my arms and scream.
But no one can hear me over the music blasting downstairs and the storm outside. I attempt to kick him, but my movements are still slower and uncoordinated from the alcohol.
Kirk’s hand finds the bottom of my dress and yanks it up—the sound of ripping fabric ricochets off the walls.
At that moment, I realized this would happen whether it was my choice or not, so I gave up. I released every bit of fight I had left.
“I knew you’d want this.” He mocks into my ear as his hard length is shoved into me. My stomach clenches as bile climbs up my throat. Tears continue to spill as Kirk thrusts in and out without rhythm. The skin on my thighs stung from his skin forcefully rubbing against mine. The dryness from my insides causes each of his movements to be utterly painful.
The bass from the music downstairs buzzes through the floor beneath us—the boisterous rain pounds through the cracked window in the bedroom. A light, damp breeze seeps in and dances across my red, swollen cheek.
Kirk continues to rail into me, kissing my barely moving chest as the storm intensifies. After a rumble of thunder shakes the walls of the two-story cabin, lightning flashes illuminate Kirk’s glassed-over eyes and misted face.
An unclear amount of time passes before he finishes on top of my dusty pink prom dress. I lay still with my eyes locked in place, watching the storm rage outside through the sliver of the open window.
Kirk hastily puts his pants back on. Then he turns to fix my dress, pulling it down to my ankles.
“I’m sorry, Lina. I wanted to lose my virginity to you,” he apologizes, opening the bedroom door.
“Get the fuck away from me, Kirk.”
A slam of the door is the last thing I hear before I realize I’ll never be the same again.
I black out for a short amount of time, reliving that night. Clamping my eyelids shut, I’m both surprised and not—that the details are still so vivid. Every one of them came hurtling back from the hidden corners of my brain as if no time had passed. The details weren’t dusty or skewed but crystal clear, like they were waiting to be brought to the surface once again. And like countless times before, my chest tightens, my skin crawls, and my lungs constrict.
I’m ripped from the dense fog when a tight embrace and broad shoulders squeeze around me.
“Fuck, Lina,” Carter says with a broken voice. He rests his chin on the top of my head, pushing my face into his bare skin. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. What a fucking piece of shit.”
Gently lifting my arms to loop around his back, I breathe out a heavy exhale—a release that tingles from my toes, up my spine, and to the back of my head. My heartbeats become steady.
“It was a horrible experience.” I hold on to him tighter.
“Did anything happen to him?”
I chew on the inside of my lip. “Do you mean if I told anyone? ”
“Yes.”
I shake my head, ashamed. “Who would have believed me?”
His muscles flex. “What do you mean?”
“I went to that party. I went upstairs with him,” I continue. “I got drunk—”
“Stop.” Carter draws his head back, locking eyes with mine. His amber pupils dilate. “That doesn’t fucking matter. You said no.”
I look away, feeling defeated and barely able to meet his stare. “Yes, I understand that, but I’m the type of girl these things happened to.”
“What? What the hell do you mean by that?”
“I was flirty, and my boobs barely fit into my shirts by the time I was sixteen. I was a cheerleader, went to parties, and loved the attention of the guys.” I lift to rest my back against the headboard.
Carter shakes his head in disbelief. “Those things don’t ever give anyone the right to do that without your permission.” He squares his shoulders, lets his feet fall to the floor, and pushes off the bed.
I run a hand through my hair, nervous about what he’s thinking. He already sees me as someone who has multiple hookups. I feel like shit. I never should have told him. I’m living up to the stereotype of a woman like me.
Carter slips on his boxers. “I’m such an asshole, Lina.”
What? Surprise sweeps across my face. “You didn’t do anything?”
“The masquerade ball.”
“The masquerade ball?” I ask, confused. But then I remember when he cornered me in the library. “Oh, Carter. That’s not the same thing.”
Carter rubs the back of his neck and paces a few times before turning to me. “How is it not?”
I take a cautious step toward him and slide both my hands into his, which are hanging at his sides. “I never told you no .”
He lowers his head.
I raise a palm to cup his face. “I never told you no . You asked me too.” I smile, urging him to raise his head to meet my eyes. “I wanted you. I knew it was you all along.”
“I don’t even know what I was thinking.”
“Would you have stopped if I would have told you no ?”
He squares his shoulders. “Of fucking course I would have.”
I smile. “I know,” I say, then my eyes flutter closed. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It was a long time ago. It’s not worth giving it more life.”
Silence .
Carter quickly closes the distance and dips his head to meet my sad eyes. “What can I do?”
“Hold me.” My voice is weak, but the instant I’m safely tucked into his strong arms, I know everything will be okay.