Chapter 29
To sayI was in a good mood would be a dream come true. To say I was in a bad mood was my fucking reality. Julia and I had barely spoken the last week since the house hunting from hell excursion happened. We kept things light between us while the ground below us crumbled. It was getting harder and harder to ignore the different things we wanted in the future. While I was sure we would bend for the other, it was only a temporary fix. Eventually, things would snap, and we’d ultimately end. I didn’t have the guts to pull the trigger and didn’t want to. I still prayed for that miracle for things to line up for us, but that light of hope grew dimmer each day. The only thing pissing me off even more than thinking about a future without Julia was our regular customer, Stacey Greenvale, a usually sweet indecisive seventy-year-old, but right now, she drove me up a wall.
“Which meat did you say cooks best on the stovetop?” Stacey peered over thick bottle cap glasses into the counter of meats resting on green beds of kale.
I gritted my teeth and smiled to keep my annoyance at bay. ”Ground beef or diced chicken would be your best bet for stovetop cooking, Stacey,” I replied with practiced patience, pointing out the options under the chilled glass. Stacey”s indecisiveness wasn”t anything new, but today, it felt like an extra burden on top of all the other things weighing me down.
“I don’t want chicken tonight. Is beef different than a steak? Would that work on the stovetop?” She peered innocently at me.
”Stacey,” I forced myself to speak calmly, pushing aside my mounting irritation. ”Any meat can be cooked on the stovetop, but it depends on what you want to make.”
“Well, how about that one?” Stacey pursed her lips, pointing at a skirt steak pinwheel. “How do I prepare that?”
I pinched my temple, losing it. “You can just throw it in the oven and call it a night.”
“I didn’t say oven, Brett. I said stovetop. That’s what my husband wants.”
“Well, you can’t always get what you want,” I snapped, but she remained oblivious.
“What about a boneless leg of lamb? Can that be prepared on the stovetop?”
”Stacey, a boneless leg of lamb is typically roasted in the oven,” I explained patiently. ”It”s not commonly prepared on the stovetop.”
Her wrinkled face crinkled with disappointment. ”But my husband really wanted lamb tonight. Is there any way to make it work? What do you suggest?”
“I suggest you go out to eat.”
“Mrs. Greenvale, how are you, darling?” Mom chimed in from behind me.
Stacey”s face brightened. ”Oh, Natalie, it”s so good to see you! I was hoping to surprise my husband with a special dinner tonight. He’s been craving lamb, but Brett says it can”t be prepared on the stovetop.”
Mom chuckled softly and placed a comforting hand on my tensed forearm. ”Oh, don”t worry about that, honey. I”m sure we can find a way to make it work for you.” Her shit-eating smile turned toward me. “Brett, would you head to the office to grab those catering orders while I help Mrs. Greenvale?”
Silently, I agreed and headed to the back. As I retreated to the office, my frustration continued to simmer beneath the surface. The tension between Julia and me was reaching its breaking point. Oddly enough, I found solace in the familiar chaos of the office, surrounded by stacks of invoices and scribbled notes. I grabbed the stack of catering orders, hoping that immersing myself in work would temporarily distract me from the turmoil in my personal life. As I sifted through them, my mind started to wander. How did I end up here?
The question echoed in my mind as I stared at the stack of catering orders. It was a question I had been avoiding for weeks. Avoiding because the answer scared me. Because admitting the truth meant facing the inevitable end of what Julia and I had. I couldn”t ignore the differences between us any longer.
The age thing didn’t bother me, and I think Julia also got over it. But what I couldn’t get over was depriving myself of having a child. It was a sacrifice I wasn’t willing to make. I was young. Why did I need to close the door on one of the best things I could experience? All I wanted was one baby with Julia. Just one, and it would have been enough. But she didn’t want that. She seemed not to want many things when I started to think about it, and whatever was happening between us, I wouldn’t let falter much longer. Either we would move on with each other or not. But I refused to have our end because we simply stopped speaking to each other. How the fuck could we end like that? Maybe the house thing was a bit much for me. I should have spoken to Julia beforehand, but the idea of us building something, calling something our own, got the best of me, and I acted swiftly.
At this point, I was still with Julia. To be with her in the future and close the door on having my child created a heavy ball in my stomach. But then, the idea of breaking up with her, the true love of my life, created an ache spreading throughout my body, settling in my heart. I wasn’t sure which was preferable. The lesser of two evils.
The door clicked open, and my head shot up to the noise.
“I want you to take the rest of the day,” said Mom, standing in the doorway.
”What? Why?” I stammered, trying to process her words. “I’m fine.”
Mom crossed her arms, her face pooling with concern. ”Brett, honey, I can see how stressed you are. I know things aren”t easy with Julia right now. You need some time to clear your head.”
I let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through my hair. ”You’re probably thrilled.” I shook my head. “I don”t know what to do, Mom,” I admitted, feeling the weight of my uncertainty crushing me.
She stepped into the office and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “It’s not always easy.” Mom rubbed the center of my back, how she used to do when I was a little boy and home sick from school. “Give yourself some space to figure out what you really want.”
”But what if what I want and Julia”s wants are too different?” I questioned, my voice tinged with worry. “You’re probably thinking I told you so.”
Mom gave me a sad smile. “It’ll all be okay, honey. And that’s the last thing I was thinking. I just want to see you happy. If Julia makes you happy, then it’s good enough for me. But that shouldn’t matter. It all comes down to you at the end of the day.” She left me and my nagging thoughts alone with one last shoulder squeeze.
I packed up the remaining catering slips, tucked them neatly away, and turned off the weak desk light, not that the room even needed it. Pulling out my phone, no messages greeted me. It was as if my fingers took over, and before I knew it, they dialed Julia’s number.
My heart raced as I waited for Julia to answer the phone. The silence on the other end felt like an eternity, and doubt began to creep into my mind. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I should’ve taken some more time to think things through. But then, just when I was about to hang up, her voice filled the line.
“Hey,” she said, her tone guarded.
“Hey, Julia,” I replied, my voice emotionless. “When was the last time we actually spoke on the phone?”
“Probably a week,” she laughed, and the sound instantly filled my chest. “It’s been a hectic few days.”
Lies. We were tiptoeing around a truth that would break us. “Can I come over tonight?”
“I don’t know, Brett,” she said hesitantly. “I think maybe we need some space right now.”
My heart sank at her words, and I was about to agree, but a flame ignited in me. “Fuck that. Let me come over. Are the girls going to be home?”
“No. They’re with Peter tonight.” Julia’s tone remained flat and caged.
“Perfect. I’ll see you around six?”
“Alright,” she said with a hint of resignation. “See you at six.”
I grabbed a pack of burgers and buns on my way out of the market. The meal that started it all.
Four hours later, I pulled up to Julia’s house, instantly spotting her mom-mobile in the driveway, and parked next to it. I grabbed our food and jogged to the front. Julia opened the door before I could even knock, a mix of surprise and apprehension written across her face. She looked as stunning as ever, her long brown hair cascading down her shoulders, contrasting with the white long-sleeved tee and blue fitted jeans. The nervousness in her eyes mirrored my own, but I pushed it aside as I held up the bag of burgers.
“I come bearing peace offerings,” I said, half-smiling, hoping to lighten the heavy atmosphere.
She let out a small chuckle, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Burgers, huh? Like old times?”
“Old times?” My face twisted. “Babe, we’re just getting started.”
Julia dropped her chin, quelling a grin. She stepped back and motioned for me to enter, which I did. Stepping into Julia’s house, a mix of familiar scents enveloped me. The sweet aroma of vanilla candles mingled with the comforting smell of fresh laundry. It felt like home, even though it technically wasn’t. Julia led me to the living room, where I stared at the couch, the place where we first had sex and changed everything. Julia gestured for us to sit down, and I placed the bag of burgers on the coffee table before sitting next to her on the couch. The tension between us was palpable, but there was also an underlying longing.
“Brett,” Julia began, and my name falling off her lips said it all.
This wasn’t going to be good. Suddenly, eating the burgers or anything made my stomach flip. I wasn’t ready for this and dragged a hand down my face. “Let’s hear it.”
“I’ve been thinking over the last week, and while we can definitely love each other, I don’t think it’ll be enough for what each of us truly needs.”
“I need you, Julia.” I pivoted until our eyes locked. “That’s what I need.” Right? Or was this another Band-Aid I slapped on?
“Maybe right now. But what about in a week? A month? We can’t keep having the same conversation about what we want from a relationship.”
My eyes darted wildly around the room, my lungs tightening, and then it hit me. No matter what I said, it was too late. Julia had already made up her mind. I had hoped this conversation would be different and we could find a way to make things work. But as I looked into Julia’s eyes, I saw the truththat our paths were diverging, and I could do nothing to change it. At that moment, a mix of emotions swirled inside me. Anger, frustration, and disappointment battled for dominance. How had we allowed ourselves to get entangled in each other’s lives only to realize we were on different pages? It felt like a cruel twist of fate, a reminder that no matter how much passion and chemistry we shared, love alone couldn’t bridge the gap between us.
“Wow.” I forced the word out. “So, this is it.” My chest heaved, and I ran my clammy hands up and down my thighs.
Julia nodded, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “I think it’s for the best, Brett. We both deserve to find happiness in our own ways. And I don’t think we can give that to each other.”
Her words hit me with the force of a sledgehammer. It was over.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and mustered up a weak smile, trying to mask the pain that clenched my heart. “There’s really no way?”
“Brett.” Julia’s gravelly voice barely masked the pain threatening to break her. “If there was a way, we wouldn’t have this conversation. I can’t give you what you want.”
“What if I change my mind?” I wasn’t giving up yet and squeezed her knee. “What if I don’t want a baby?”
Julia’s gaze softened as she reached out to cover my hand with hers, her touch comforting and heartbreaking. “Brett, it’s not just about the baby. It’s about our entire lives and the paths we want to take. We’re at different stages with different priorities. I don’t want you to give up on your dreams for me, just like I can’t sacrifice my happiness for yours.”
Well, fuck. This was it. But I couldn’t be here anymore. I never intended to get angry, except I didn’t know how to control the rage either. I stood up abruptly, the couch legs scraping against the wooden floor, echoing throughout the room. Julia flinched and reached out, trying to touch my arm, but I jerked away.
“Don’t,” I snapped. “Just... don’t.”
Her hand fell back to her side, and she looked at me with tears glistening in her eyes. “Brett, please...”
“Is this what you really want?” I asked, my voice desperate. “To throw away all that we had?”
Tears spilled over Julia’s cheeks as she took in a shuddering breath. “No,” she admitted softly.
“Then what do you want?” My voice cracked.
“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” Julia tore her hands through her hair.
“Don’t make this harder? Harder for who? You’re giving up on us. I don’t want this. I’m willing to bend. To be patient. I’m willing to change, but you’re not.” I stormed across the room and headed straight to the front door. I heard Julia scrambling behind me, but I refused to look back.
I twisted the doorknob, my hand shaking with anger and heartbreak. The door swung open, the cool night air slapping my face. I stepped forward, ready to leave it behind, when a soft voice stopped me.
”Brett, please...” Julia”s voice was barely a whisper. I turned to look at her, my eyes clashing with hers.
“If this is what you want, this is exactly what you will get.” It was surreal how much I loved her and how much I suddenly hated her. “Goodbye, Julia.”
And then I slammed the door. Right in her fucking face.