Chapter 30
“Babe,I don’t like this new you,” said Amelia, motioning to my near-lifeless figure in my bed under the covers. “And when was the last time you even showered?” She hovered over me, arms resting on her lips like a disgruntled teapot.
I peered up at Amelia, my dear best friend, just wishing she’d leave me the fuck alone. It had been two weeks since Brett agreed to break up with me, per my stupid request, and I wanted to be miserable under my own terms.
“And since when do you take off from work?” Amelia flailed her arms in her navy pinstriped come-fuck-me suit. Seriously, this outfit was like a second skin on her.
“Amelia. I love you, but please leave me alone.” I hoisted myself from the duvet blanket and sank into the cool cloud pillows. “And I’m allowed to take some PTO. I have unused weeks, so why not use them?”
“Well, put them to better use rather than taking this miserable sabbatical you’re on right now.” Amelia waved her hand in the area and pulled open the curtains that had been closed for twelve days.
I squinted and shielded myself from the bright rays pouring into the room. ”Miserable sabbatical? Is that what you think this is?” I snapped, pulling the covers tighter around me to shield myself from her prying eyes. ”I just need time, Amelia. Time to heal... to figure things out.”
“I know exactly what this is, baby cakes.” Amelia marched defiantly across the room until she plopped beside me on the mattress. “You are drowning in a pool of your own regret.”
I sighed, unable to meet Amelia”s gaze. She was right, of course. Regret clung to me like a glue, suffocating me with every breath. ”I just thought I could handle it,” I muttered, my voice barely audible. “The breakup. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I never realized how much I loved Brett.”
“Love, Brett. You still love him.”
“Of course I do.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s not like those feelings will just disappear. Not everyone is like you.” I tilted my head to Amelia.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow.
“You have this ability to shut down and start over with someone new just like that.” I snapped my fingers. “Well, I’m not like that. I’m an emotional wreck.” I threw the blanket over my head, hoping Amelia would disappear. When she tugged the blanket away and exposed my head, my wish hadn’t come true.
“First off, I’m not this cardboard robot you’re describing. I’ve been hurt in the past, and now I just operate where I keep things on the surface. Maybe one day, I’ll find my great love. Or even two great loves.”
“Two loves?” I popped my eyebrows.
“I have a lot of love to give.” Amelia winked, and for the first time, I cracked a smile.
“Seriously, Amelia. Two loves in life, or two loves at once?” This was a good and fun distraction because Amelia would roll with it and be honest.
“Oh, I don’t know. I think after my divorce, I’ve opened all possibilities.”
“Even dating women?” I raised an eyebrow.
Amelia giggled. “Okay, not all. I love women. I think we’re the best species out there. But I love dick too much. The only vagina I’ll be touching is my own.”
I laughed, holding my midsection. “Please, don’t ever change.”
“Why would I?” Amelia shrugged.
Just then, the telling screech of the school bus brakes came to a painful halt outside, penetrating the room’s silence. Amelia peered through the curtains and nodded. “The girls are home.”
“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute.” I winced. Even my body hurt. Everything ached from this breakup.
“How are the girls handling everything?”
”They”re doing their best, considering the circumstances.” I forced a small smile. ”But I can tell they”re upset. They miss Brett. Who doesn’t?” I threw my arms up, feeling like a fucking failure. Sara continued to smile whenever she saw me and tried to make light of Brett’s absence, but Zoe? She couldn’t mask her emotions and had given me the silent treatment.
“Give it time. Kids are resilient.” Amelia winked and walked to the doorway. “Take a hot shower. I’ll hang out with the girls, okay?”
A weak smile spread across my face, and I fought hot tears. I mouthed, ‘Thank you,’ and watched Amelia leave the room.
“Girls! Your favorite Amelia is here,” she yelled down the steps.
Listening to their laughter, mainly Sara and Amelia’s, and their banter from upstairs, I couldn’t help fighting the guilt spreading in my gut. Guilt for wallowing in my own sorrow while my children grappled with their feelings of confusion. I knew I needed to pull myself together for their sake, to be strong for them even when I wanted to surrender.
I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. The hot shower that awaited me seemed like a sanctuary and a battleground. It was where tears flowed freely, where I allowed myself to succumb to the pain before gathering the strength to face the world again.
I missed Brett so much that I almost felt strangled by the longing. And there wasn’t a single thing I could say I didn’t miss. Everything about Brett I yearned for. I missed his touch—how his fingertips would trace delicate patterns on my skin. I longed for his kisses and how they carried me to another place I’d never imagined myself in. Complete bliss. But it wasn”t just the physical aspects that I craved. It was the way he made me feel alive, desired, and loved. With Brett, every moment felt like an adventure. And his smile. Just everything. I wanted him back, but it was too late. I pushed him away, and he finally listened. I knew it was time to let go. Time to accept that sometimes love wasn”t enough to sustain a relationship.
I turned off the shower, stepping onto the fluffy pink bathmat as droplets cascaded down my body. Wrapping a towel around myself, I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door. I dressed in matching sweats and made my way downstairs. The aroma of pizza hit my nose, and saliva flooded my mouth. Amelia stood behind the kitchen island, handing out gooey slices to the girls.
“When did we get pizza?” I asked.
“Well, we were starving, and you took the longest shower known to man, so we ordered from Nino’s,” said Amelia, popping a pepperoni into her mouth.
“Do you want a slice?” Sara asked, holding up her plate and smiling.
“Sure.” I smiled back, and what she did next almost sent me into sobs. Sara walked over, handed me her slice, and kissed my cheek.
My girl. I pulled her in, squeezing her hard. Of course, this was the perfect moment, only to be dented when the pizza slid off the plate and landed face-up on the floor.
“Oh!” Amelia and Sara shouted.
“Five-second rule,” I said, scooping up the slice and biting.
“Ugh, you’re fucking disgusting,” said Zoe, twisting her face and shooting me a death stare. She stormed out of the kitchen and threw her uneaten pizza into the garbage, leaving everyone speechless.
“Just ignore her, Mom.” Sadness filled Sara’s eyes.
My eyes shifted to Amelia, who stood silent, a rarity. “I’m going to go talk to her.”
Sara and Amelia exchanged knowing glances, not to stop me. I headed upstairs, taking two steps at a time, and didn’t slow down until I came face to face with Zoe’s closed bedroom door.
I took a deep breath and knocked. ”Zoe, sweetheart, can I come in?” No reply. I opened the door and saw her sitting on her bed, staring into space. I closed the door behind me and waited for a sign to come closer, but Zoe refused to make eye contact with me. The only move she did make was clenching her jaw.
“Zoe, can I sit?” I motioned to the corner of the bed.
Nothing.
“I’m going to sit, okay?” It was as if I was dealing with the most fragile human being. But Zoe was tough. She masked everything under her brooding surface. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe she was screaming for help all this time, and no one offered their ears to listen. “I know you’re upset. I’m upset, too.” I closed my eyes, hearing Zoe shift away from me. “But everything is going to be okay.”
Zoe turned her head away from me, refusing to meet my gaze. And for whatever reason, I took the kid gloves off.
“You can’t speak to me that way,” I blurted. “When you told me that I’m fucking disgusting, I know you didn’t mean me eating food from the floor. I watch you and Sara eat food you always drop from the floor. This is about Brett, isn’t it?”
Zoe’s jaw ticked, and tears coated her eyes, but not one fell.
“Zoe, please talk to me. If we can’t talk, how can we fix this?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” she spoke through gritted teeth.
I stared at her, my heart breaking a little more at her words. I gently grabbed her arm, the tension radiating under her warm skin. ”Zoe, I”m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.” Zoe flung her arm away. “First, Dad broke us. Now you did.” She shook her head, rocking back and forth on the bed. “We liked Brett. You loved Brett. Everyone loved Brett. Why did you break up with him?”
“We were too different. You won’t understand now, but when you’re older, it’ll make more sense.” I wanted to believe what I said, but I didn’t. And now, I was lying to my daughter, who was desperately lost.
“This is bullshit.” Zoe jumped out of the bed, pacing the room. “We were finally a family again. You were happy. It was so great to see you happy. To have someone else here who made us a whole.”
“Zoe, we’ve always been a family.” I reached for her, but she wouldn’t let me have her.
Zoe took a deep breath and turned to face me, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t understand, Mom. Why can’t you just hold onto something good when you find it? Why can’t you just be happy?”
And then my heart shattered. I wasn’t the only one in this house with a broken heart.
“It’s not that easy, Zoe. I’m not doing this on purpose.”
“Then what is it? Dad knew how to be with someone. Even when Joel broke up with him, he knew how to move on. I want that for you. Do you know how hard it’s been watching you struggle? Like, I know you don’t mope openly and all that. But you’re alone, Mom. And when you were with Brett, you lit up. It was like we had the old you back when things were good with Dad and before everything…changed.” She sighed and closed her eyes while I forgot how to breathe. “You love him, Mom. Why isn’t love enough?”
My eyes welled up with tears as I saw the pain in her eyes. I wanted to reach out and hug her, but it wouldn’t be that easy. ”Sometimes love isn”t enough, Zoe.”
Zoe nodded, wiping away the tears. “Well, I don’t agree.” And then she buried her head into her pillow and threw the blanket over her head. “Get out.”
I took a step back, feeling like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I could see the pain in her eyes, the same pain I had been feeling for so long. But I had to be strong for her, for both of them. I couldn”t let her carry this burden alone.
”Zoe, I understand how you feel, but I need you to know that I”m trying to do what”s best for all of us. I don”t want us to be unhappy, but sometimes things just don”t work out how we want them to.”
She sniffled, the blanket still covering her head. ”You always say things will be okay, but they never are. I just want things to be normal again, Mom. I miss the old us.”
I took a deep breath, trying to find the words to ease our pain. ”I know, Zoe. I miss it, too. But we”re still a family, even if things look different. We”ll find our way back to normal, I promise. Brett and I just wanted different things at the end of the day.”
“No, that’s not true.” Zoe sat up, throwing the covers off her head. “You wanted different things and weren’t willing to compromise. Brett wanted to make you happy, but you couldn’t let go of what Dad did to you and the possibility that it could happen again. But Brett is so different from Dad. All he wants to do is make you happy. Don’t screw this up before it’s too late.”
Fuck. I couldn’t breathe. “Zoe. I’ve made my decision. I’m sorry if you don’t agree with it, but one day you’ll understand.”
“You keep saying that, but I promise you, I won’t,” she seethed, pushing her back against the headboard. “Please leave my room.”
It was pointless. I tried and failed. But now, my sadness morphed into a wave of anger. I left Zoe’s room, slamming the door behind me. I leaned against the door, letting Zoe’s words sink in. She wanted me to be happy. And when I was with Brett, I couldn’t deny how Zoe’s mood lifted and reverted to how she was when I was with Peter. We had found a new normal with Brett. The house had a renewed energy. Everyone was laughing. Everyone enjoyed being around each other. It was better than what was happening, and I started to second guess myself whether I really fucked things up.
Soft footsteps ascending the stairs snapped me out of my thoughts, and Amelia came into view, already sporting a frown. She stopped inches from my face and ran a comforting hand down my arm.
“Are you okay?” she whispered.
It took all my strength to utter one word.
“No.”