Chapter 31
I decidedto walk home from work, believing the five-mile stroll on the first single-digit day of the year would help chisel away the ice that had encapsulated my heart since the breakup with Julia. Well, it didn’t do shit.
By the time I reached my apartment, my fingers were frozen sausages, and I wondered if I’d ever get the feeling back in my dick. Breaking up with Julia reminded me exactly why I didn’t do meaningful relationships. Because what I was going through now fucking sucked. I arrived at my apartment building and fumbled with the keys in my numb fingers. The thought of spending another night alone made me want to pitch a tent and suffer outdoors in the frigid temperature.
This. Totally. Sucked.
I finally inserted the key and pushed the heavy glass door open. Dragging my feet toward the elevator, eyes heavy from nights of poor sleep, my body wanted to collapse, but my mind refused solace. I didn’t bother to take in my surroundings in the dimmed lobby. For all I knew, the building could have been burning, and I would have walked through the flames.
“Brett?” said a small voice behind me.
My head jerked up, and the reflection bouncing off the elevator’s stainless steel doors caught my breath. I spun around and confirmed what I saw: Sara. She sat on a bench next to the concierge desk with no one behind it. For what seemed like an eternity, I just stared at Sara, wondering why she was there, how long she had been loitering in the building, and how she even got in. She wore her regular school clothes, sweatpants, and a long-sleeved T-shirt, and her hair was pulled back in a messy bun. I glanced at my watch, and it was almost 8 PM.
“Sara? What are you doing here?” I asked the obvious.
“I was hoping I’d run into you.” She stood slowly.
“Well, yeah.” I placed my hands on my hips. “I live here. Does your mom know you’re here?”
Sara bit her lip, and her silence said it all.
“Fuck, Sara. Your mom is probably ready to have a nervous breakdown.” I paused. “Don’t tell your mom I said a bad word.” I held up a finger.
Sara laughed. “I’ve heard it before.”
“Yes, but you haven’t heard a thing from me.” I sighed and dropped my hands to my sides. “How about a hug?” I opened my arms, and a second later, Sara tackled me in a desperate bear hug. “You know, I always took Zoe to be the type to run away or go missing. Not you.”
Sara laughed into my chest, but tears glistened in her dark eyes when she pulled away. “Mom misses you.”
The knife was inserted.
“We miss you,” Sara added.
The knife twisted.
“Can’t you guys make it work?” Sara pleaded.
And I was dead. I stood there, paralyzed by Sara”s words. The pain in her eyes mirrored the ache in my heart. ”Sara,” I began softly, ”your mom and I... we tried. We really did.” My voice wavered with the weight of regret. ”But sometimes, love just isn”t enough.”
Sara’s shoulders sagged. “Zoe told me that’s what Mom said to her. But neither of us believes it.” She crossed her arms.
”The two of you are miserable.” Her voice choked with tears. ”You make each other happy. Why can”t you figure it out?”
I ran my hands through my hair, tugging at its roots. “I’m not sure, kiddo. Sometimes, you can’t pinpoint exactly why it didn’t work. Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
“That’s kinda harsh.”
“That’s life.” I shrugged, feeling the finality of a strange weight settling on my chest, crushing my heart even more. Was I giving up too soon? If one of us budged, could Julia and I make it work? I looked into Sara”s tear-filled eyes, searching for an answer to comfort her. But all I found was uncertainty and a longing for things to be different. ”Sara,” I began, my voice filled with resignation. “I think we should call your mom. She’s probably losing her mind.”
Sara nodded, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone, dialing her mom”s number with trembling fingers.
After a few rings, Julia”s voice crackled through the speaker. ”Sara? Oh my God, where are you? Are you okay?” There was a mixture of relief and panic in her tone.
”I”m at Brett”s apartment building,” Sara sniffled. “Are you mad?”
Julia took a deep breath, her voice shaking. ”No, sweetheart. I”m not mad. I”m just really worried. Please, tell me you”re okay.”
Sara glanced up at me, and I nodded, silently encouraging her to speak the truth. ”I”m okay, Mom,” she said, her voice steady. ”I just needed to see Brett and talk to him.”
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line before Julia responded, her tone laced with concern. ”Alright, Sara. I understand. Can I talk to Brett for a second?”
Sara’s eyes shifted to me, sniffing hard. She held out the phone and sighed. “Mom wants to talk to you.”
I took the phone from Sara”s outstretched hand, my heart pounding. Not hearing Julia’s voice for a few weeks had been torture, and suddenly, knowing I was about to hear it in a few seconds sent a flood of warmth throughout my body.
”Julia,” I uttered.
”Brett,” she said softly. ”I didn”t expect to hear from you so soon.”
“Well, that’s what happens when your daughter shows up at my apartment.” I grinned at Sara, who smiled back.
A small laugh escaped her throat. “Zoe and I will be over soon to get Sara. Figure about twenty minutes.” She exhaled. “I thought I was going to die, Brett. Sara has never done anything like this. If anything, I always thought Zoe would be the one to run away.”
We both laughed, but the tone suddenly shifted. “Everything’s going to be okay, Jules.”
“I hope so.” Her voice sounded so weak. “I’ll see you soon.” And then Julia hung up.
Sara and I went to my apartment and waited for Julia to arrive. During the minutes that passed, I whipped up a ridiculous amount of eggs, maybe hoping Julia would join us. Suddenly, hope filled my lungs, heart, and brain. Maybe I was a gullible man or someone who was foolishly in love with another person who may never let me in, but being here with Sara and knowing Julia was on her way to see me made me realize she was enough. I didn’t need all the outside things people expected to come with a relationship. A house bought together, a baby born from love, no. That wasn’t what I needed. Julia was my anecdote to this unwavering ache, this empty void in my heart. She was all I needed because loving her was enough. We could have a family with Sara and Zoe. They were enough. With them, I felt at home within whatever four walls I found myself. I just needed Julia to see that I meant it without those creeping doubts and lingering scars from the past sneaking up and tarnishing us beyond repair.
As I finished cooking the eggs, the sound of a car pulling up outside reached my ears. I glanced out the window and saw Julia stepping out of her car with Zoe trailing behind. My heart pounded in my chest, and I couldn”t help but wonder what was happening in Julia”s mind. Did she feel this abrupt notion of giving us a second and final chance? Because I was ready to. I was always the more impulsive one in this relationship. Still, all my decisions and instincts I had followed brought me to this moment. How wrong could I have been if it meant ending up with Julia?
Minutes later, the buzzer shattered the silence in the apartment, and I dodged to press the button. I didn’t even bother asking if it was Julia. I just knew. I swung open the door and was met with Julia”s piercing gaze. She looked tired, her eyes lined with exhaustion, but there was a glimmer of hope in them that hadn”t been there before. Behind her, Zoe stood, peering cautiously around her mother”s shoulder. I smiled warmly, inviting them inside.
”Hey,” I said softly, my voice filled with nervousness and excitement. ”Come on in.”
Julia didn’t hesitate when her eyes locked with Sara on the other side of the room. She ran to her daughter, picking Sara up in her arms. Julia silently sobbed into Sara’s sweatshirt before pulling her back at arm’s length. “You scared the shit out of me, you know that?”
“I’m sorry, Mom.” Sara’s eyes dropped to the floor and remained there.
Julia”s gaze shifted from Sara to me as if we spoke volumes without uttering words. “You can never do that again. You promise?”
Sara nodded silently, lifting her watery eyes. Julia frowned and embraced the fragile girl again, swaying. While Julia and Sara shared their moment, Zoe and I locked eyes, each grinning awkwardly.
“I just want to say I’m slightly offended how everyone assumed I would be the one to pull something like this,” Zoe said, holding up a finger. “But I’ll let it slide this time.” She sniffed the air. “What smells good?”
“I made some eggs while we waited.” I stepped forward. “There’s plenty…for all of us.”
Zoe”s eyes lit up at the mention of food. She bounded into the kitchen, her enthusiasm contagious. “I’m eating. Brett, come on.”
I followed Zoe, where she piled steaming eggs onto her plate. As Sara and Julia emerged from the living room, their expressions softened with an unspoken understanding, and my heart swelled with hope. Maybe this was our chance to overcome the obstacles that had kept us apart. As if sensing my thoughts, Julia”s eyes met mine across the room. There was a flicker of vulnerability in her gaze before she quickly looked away. It was clear that she still harbored doubts about our future together. Her trust had been shattered before, and rebuilding it would take time. But I was determined to show her that I was different. That my love for her was unwavering and unconditional.
Everyone gathered around the table, plates heaping with perfectly cooked scrambled eggs, and fell into comfortable chatter.
“You should have heard Mom flipping out,” Zoe said to Sara, smirking.
“I’m really sorry.” Sara scrunched her brow, pleading with the biggest eyes to Julia.
“Never again.” Julia exhaled before shoving a forkful of eggs into her mouth. “These are amazing.” Her eyes locked mine.
“I knew you’d love them,” I said, winking.
“Everything you cook, I love,” said Julia.
“Is that so?” I smiled at Julia, and soon her face warmed. The twins exchanged knowing glances, but I needed to be careful. What was happening across the table may end here. “What else do you love?”
Julia clashed her fork against the plate and cradled her chin on her hand. “Are we still talking about food?”
“That’s a loaded question, isn’t it?” I teased.
Julia squinted, drumming her red nails against the table. “I miss your burgers. I still can’t barbecue if my life depended on it.”
“Aren’t we lucky Brett can barbecue?” Sara chimed in, popping her eyebrows.
Julia chuckled, dropping her dark, gorgeous eyes and keeping them there. I feared she started slipping away at that moment and desperately wanted her to look at me again. But, for the rest of the meal, it didn’t happen.
After we finished eating, Julia and I volunteered to clean up. At the same time, the girls retreated to the living room to watch some television. Finally, Julia turned to face me when the last dish was put away. Her eyes swirled with a familiar longing, and my heart skipped a beat. Without saying a word, she reached out and took my hand. Her touch sent electricity coursing through my veins.
”I want to believe in us.” Her voice was barely audible.
“Me too.” I inched closer.
“But what stops me is that I know what you want. And to think you’d give that up for me if I wasn’t sure I wanted it too…” she trailed off, glancing at the girls in the other room, laughing at the screen. “What if you resented me one day?”
“Stop thinking about the what-ifs that might never be. Look at us now. We’re miserable without each other. Isn’t that enough? We’re enough for each other, Julia.”
“I just don’t know, Brett.”
“I think you’re making a big mistake right now.” I fought the surge of annoyance coursing through me. Why couldn’t Julia just let go and live?
“Maybe I am. But certain things shouldn’t be forced.” Julia was scared, but there wasn’t anything I could do to convince her. I understood what I needed to do one last time. To let her go.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady the ache in my chest. Julia”s words echoed through my mind, each one like a knife, piercing my hope. She was right. Certain things shouldn”t be forced. It pained me to accept it, but I couldn”t keep pushing her to see what I saw for our future.
“Well, I guess you and the girls should head out soon. It’s a school night.” I took a step back, our distance growing.
Julia nodded, hugging her body tightly. She peered over my shoulder and called to the girls, “Zoe? Sara? It’s time to go.” She shifted her eyes back to me. “Thank you again for everything tonight. You have no idea what was going through my mind.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine.” I stuffed my hands into my pockets, my heart sinking.
Zoe and Sara reluctantly made their way into the kitchen. They exchanged worried glances before turning their attention to Julia, who wore a mask of composure. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. Julia craned her neck to the door, and the girls listened to their mother without hesitation.
“Say goodbye to Brett,” said Julia.
“Bye, Brett,” the girls said.
Hours later, I couldn’t sleep. I watched the clock’s minutes pass by, and when it hit 1 AM, I was ready to give up all hope when my phone’s screen illuminated a flash of white across the dark bedroom’s walls. I picked it up, and my heart lurched when Brett’s name flashed across the screen, showing two recent messages from him. I grabbed the phone from the nightstand because there was no way I’d ignore his texts.
Brett
It’s official. I cannot sleep. How about you?
I smirked. Those familiar flutters I always experienced with Brett whooshed through my body as I threw myself onto my back and held up my phone, wondering how to respond.
Me
I can’t sleep either. I wonder why?
Brett
Don’t lie. You’re thinking about those amazing eggs I made tonight.
Me
They were okay…
Brett
Liar. You loved them.
Why was it whenever the word ‘love,’ in any form became present between me and Brett, did my heart lunged in my chest?
Me
You’re right. It’s the eggs that are keeping me up.
Brett
Since we’re talking about food, I have a confession. Whenever I look at a burger, I always think of you.
Me
Aw, that’s sweet. I think.
I had to laugh. How could I not at this point? This conversation turned silly so quickly, but it was exactly what I needed, and soon, I kept fighting off a wave of yawns. I almost forgot how Brett invited a calm sensation into my soul and missed it.
Brett
Wow, I can’t stop yawning. Is it just me? Maybe there’s a chance I will sleep tonight. Or should I say this morning? It’s almost 2.
Me
Ha. I feel the same… Seeing you tonight was nice, and I’m sorry again for Sara showing up like that.
Brett
Never apologize. It was great seeing everyone tonight, too. Maybe we can do it again soon?
Me
I’d love to. So would the girls, I’m sure.
Brett
Great. Well, I’m going to try to sleep. Goodnight, sleep tight.
Me
Goodnight.
I placed the phone facedown onto the nightstand and gazed into the navy sky, speckled with diamonds. I sighed and turned to my side, hugging the duvet closer. The room was quiet, just the occasional tick-tock from the wall clock punctuating the silence. My mind whirled with thoughts of earlier when my phone buzzed again, pulling me out of my musings, and a new message from Brett lit up my screen.
Brett
I forgot to say something. You looked beautiful tonight. Now, goodnight. For real.
Even in the solitude of my room, heat rushed to my cheeks. A slow smile spread as I typed out a simple response.
Me
Thank you. You did too…Goodnight.
A sense of peace washed over me when I put down the phone this time. The room wasn”t so quiet anymore, and the silence felt comforting rather than oppressive. I couldn”t ignore our connection, and about ten minutes later, I drifted off to sleep peacefully for the first time in weeks.