Chapter Eleven #2
Autumn and Bluebell were eyeballing Maddie.
Their eyes flitted to each other, then back to her.
They were smirking knowingly, their gazes laden with mischief.
Maddie tried to straighten her face, but it was too late.
She’d been smiling like an idiot. She worked hard to present herself as a person who was generally content, but she very rarely displayed any real enthusiasm for anything.
She certainly never beamed, which is what she’d been doing just then.
This was unnatural behaviour for her. Bluebell, who already knew why Maddie was so happy, was grinning because she was enjoying Maddie’s giddiness.
Autumn was smirking because she was suspicious, though Maddie was almost certain her sister’s reaction had quietly confirmed what Autumn had already guessed.
“Benjamin, could you go and sit with Daddy for a minute? I think he’s lonely,” Autumn said.
Benjamin obligingly picked up the book he was reading and clambered onto Marley’s lap.
Autumn checked that Emma and Ben were fully engaged in conversation with their son before raising her eyebrows knowingly at Maddie, nudging Bluebell for backup as she did. “Tell me,” she whispered. “Right now.”
“Tell you what?” Maddie shrugged.
“Don’t give me that... nonchalance,” Autumn hissed, gesticulating wildly into the air. “You are not a nonchalant person generally. You are the opposite. Extremely the opposite. You’re chalant. Extremely chalant. Tell me. Right now.”
Bluebell put her hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh and Maddie, to her surprise, found herself quite enjoying attention for once.
This was most unlike her, but then she’d never had a happy romantic situation to discuss heartily with her friends.
It was nice. Autumn and Bluebell leaned in closer, their eyes wide with anticipation, their necks craned towards her, ears poised for gossip.
Maddie drew out the revelation, sighing and shaking her head.
“James and I... did something,” she murmured, covering her face with her hands.
Autumn shrieked so dramatically she made Maddie and Bluebell jump.
She also immediately drew the attention of Emma, Ben, Marley and Benjamin, who stopped the conversation they were having to watch them giggling girlishly on the floor.
“What on Earth is going on?” Marley asked.
“Nothing,” they said together, laughing harder.
“Bluebell said something outrageous,” Maddie said, trying to appease her curious brother.
“What else is new?” He shrugged.
“Exactly,” Bluebell said, shooing him with her hand. “Nothing to see here, go back to your business.”
Ben, Emma and Marley returned to their conversation, but Maddie knew she was not the only one who could see her brother watching them out of the corner of his eye.
She subtly shook her head at her two favourite women.
She was happy to divulge what was happening between her and James to them, but she’d really rather nobody else knew.
They’d make a fuss, then it would become a big deal and she’d be left confused. She needed some time.
“I’ll sleep in your room and you can tell me then,” Bluebell muttered.
Autumn gasped. “What about me?”
“Stay,” Maddie said. Autumn’s eyes lit up and she nodded, turning towards her partner and parents.
“Marley my sweetheart, my darling, my love,” she called. Marley stopped talking again to give Autumn his full attention. He looked expectant and mildly amused. “You’re on bedtime duty, tonight.” She grinned. “I’m having a sleepover with your sisters.”
* * *
“It’s been years since we did this,” Bluebell said, crawling drunkenly into Maddie’s bed.
Maddie tapped the empty space beside her, scooching as close to her sister as she could, once Bluebell was safely beneath the covers.
They both sighed happily. “What’s Autumn doing in that bathroom? ” Bluebell muttered.
“Autumn, hurry up,” Maddie demanded. Autumn didn’t reply, but they heard her electric toothbrush whizz to life behind the bathroom door.
She’d asked Marley to go home and retrieve it and — though they had once made fun of her obsessive approach to oral hygiene — they now left her alone about it, well aware that Autumn was very particular about brushing her teeth because her mother had never insisted she do it.
That had led to expensive and complicated issues with her mouth, teeth and gums.
“You look different, Mads,” Bluebell said, staring into her sister’s face. Maddie’s eyes roamed questioningly over her sister’s perfect features in the light of the bedside lamp. “In a really, really good way.”
Maddie smiled. “I’m happy,” she said. “For the first time in ages. It’s taken such a long time. I feel like I’ve been climbing up a really big hill. Like I’ve reached a tipping point of some sort.”
Bluebell nodded wistfully. “I remember something similar. A watershed. I was sitting on a beach in Greece watching loggerhead turtles hatch. In that moment, I realised I hadn’t thought about Bowie dying for days.
I’d thought about him, but not about those last few weeks.
It felt like life was finally about something else.
I felt guilty for a bit, I even said sorry to him, but then I remembered how much he loved us, and I swear, Mads, you’ll think I’m mad, but I heard his voice in my head telling me to get a fucking grip.
He was laughing when he said it and it made me laugh out loud.
I was just sitting there, staring at these baby turtle eggs, crying and laughing like a weirdo. ”
Maddie laughed and gave her a hug. Autumn, having finished her tooth-cleaning routine, was climbing into bed on the other side of her. It was a double bed and so not quite big enough for three. They’d be snug, but Maddie didn’t mind. She was just glad to have her two best friends back beside her.
“What are we talking about?” Autumn asked.
“Bowie,” Maddie and Bluebell said together.
Autumn nodded and sighed. She buried her head into the pillow a little bit.
Her friend did this often, and Maddie knew it was because Autumn never quite knew how to react to Bowie’s sisters talking about him.
As Bowie’s former lover and Marley’s soulmate, her grief was much more complicated and entirely different.
Maddie grabbed her hand and squeezed, a declaration of reassurance. Autumn squeezed back.
“Tell us about this shag.” Bluebell changed the subject. Autumn laughed and Maddie groaned, covering her face with the duvet. They waited patiently for her to gather herself, then Bluebell nudged her pointedly.
“It was amazing,” Maddie said.
“Did you... you know?” Bluebell asked. Maddie squeaked a yes, bracing herself for the giddiness she knew would come, and it did. Autumn and Bluebell hooted and hollered, playfully hitting the duvet and pillows in celebration “Finally!” Bluebell said. “Well done, James.”
“I felt really comfortable and he knew what he was doing.”
“A fantastic combination,” Autumn said.
“He was excellent at it, actually.”
“How wonderful,” Bluebell said.
“I think it’s because I got to know him first. We didn’t like each other at all when we first met, then we became friends, then I liked him, but it all felt so complicated. It felt overwhelming, so I tried to stop it, to stay away from him, but in the end I just couldn’t.”
“How do you feel about him now?” Autumn asked.
Though Maddie had known this question was coming all evening, she didn’t feel remotely equipped to answer it.
She liked him, that much she knew. She was immensely attracted to him, he took care of her and made her laugh.
She thoroughly enjoyed having him around.
In fact, if it were up to her, she’d spend most of the next few weeks trapped between James and a mattress.
Or a wall. Or the floor. Whatever and wherever, really, as long as he was attached to her.
But it was much more complicated than that.
He had spoken to her at length about how much he hated being at home, how everything reminded him of Harry, how being around his mum made him sad, how travel set his soul on fire, how he never really felt like himself unless he was travelling a stretch of road towards an unknown destination.
Maddie knew how he felt because she felt the same way about caring for people.
Even before Bowie had died and left her the inheritance she was using to open the recovery retreat, Maddie had always intended on going back to work in social care.
It was her life’s purpose, something she’d known since she was a teenager.
They were on different paths, heading in different directions.
She didn’t know how she felt because she didn’t think it was wise to let herself feel any feelings she had for James too deeply.
He would be leaving soon, and she was staying here.
She didn’t regret what had happened between them today, but she was smart enough to know it wasn’t the best decision she’d ever made.
She just hadn’t been able to help herself.
“I don’t know.” She sighed.
“I think you do,” Autumn said.
“Don’t worry about anything, Mads,” Bluebell said. “Just enjoy yourself as much as you can for as long as you can, and sort the rest out later.”
“I literally couldn’t do anything else even if I wanted to,” Maddie confessed. “He lives rent-free in my head now.”
“Oh, God, I remember that feeling,” Autumn said. “I don’t envy you, Mads. It’s like torture.”
“You feel it right here.” Bluebell pointed to her chest. “A yearning, a pining you can’t quench.”
“Even when you’re with them, it’s still there,” Autumn agreed. “You feel like you’ll never get enough of them.”