Chapter Eleven #3
“You question your own sanity,” Bluebell said. “There have been times when I have fundamentally questioned whether I know anything at all about myself, given how silly I’m acting over the mere existence of a person and their proximity to me.”
“Does it die down eventually?” Maddie asked, feeling overwhelmed.
Autumn and Bluebell were not only sensible women, they had both been staunchly anti-monogamy for periods of their lives.
Bluebell still had no plans to enter a traditional relationship, and Autumn hadn’t had any desire for a boyfriend until she’d met Bowie at age thirty-two.
If even they had been swept up by the borderline hysterical level of desire Maddie felt like she might be tipping towards, there was absolutely no hope for her. The two women were silent for a moment.
“I’m pretty sure she’s talking to you,” Bluebell prompted Autumn. Autumn laughed softly. Maddie knew she didn’t know how to answer the question.
“You really want me to talk like this about your brother?” she asked. Maddie and Bluebell nodded.
“Just, you know...” Bluebell said. “The PG version.”
Autumn chuckled, repositioning herself so that she was propped up by her elbows.
“Honestly, when Marley and I finally gave in and first got together, I genuinely thought I would never get enough of him. We were obsessed with each other. He could put his hands on me absolutely anywhere and I’d succumb.
We were like that for months, maybe years.
I never thought it would fade away, but it did, eventually.
Life gets in the way. Everything becomes familiar. ”
Autumn lay back down.
“But honestly, guys, what we have now is so much better. Now that the fog of lust has gone, I can see what we have besides it, and it’s a lot .
Marley is my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my protector.
Nobody makes me laugh like he does. He takes his position as a member of this team we’ve created extremely seriously. I’m not naive, I know that’s rare.”
Maddie smiled. Her brother had made mistakes in his past, but he was a wonderful man now, she knew that. Autumn had undoubtedly influenced him. He was humble, less self-absorbed, more empathetic.
“We’re crazy about each other,” Autumn continued.
“I say that with every shred of conviction within me. I would die for him, he’d die for me.
I truly believe there is no greater living man anywhere on this planet, and, while we’re at it, he got out of the shower this morning and his hair was all wet and he was all shiny, and I knew in that moment I could go up against anyone and compellingly make the case he’s the sexiest man in existence. ”
“You’re straying into non-PG territory here,” Bluebell warned.
“I never get to talk about sex with you, it’s so unfair!” Autumn whined.
“No, you do not,” Maddie said, warningly.
Autumn laughed. They fell into a comfortable silence, and Maddie wasn’t sure if the other two had fallen asleep.
She let her mind wander to James and their tryst that afternoon.
She marvelled at how incredibly comfortable and present she’d felt, how satisfied and happy.
Afterwards, they’d lain side by side, her head on his chest, his hand stroking her hair, talking for two or three hours about all sorts.
She couldn’t remember what exactly, but they had barely taken a breath.
They’d only stopped talking to kiss. They’d contemplated renting somewhere and staying overnight, but Maddie had known such a gesture would cause speculation she’d rather avoid, so they’d trudged begrudgingly back to the car and moseyed on home.
James had hardly left her mind since. She couldn’t wait to see him again.
“Do what makes you happy,” Autumn murmured, so gently Maddie wasn’t sure she’d heard her right. She turned to her friend. “Bowie’s rules, remember? Do what makes you happy was rule number six.”
Maddie did remember. Bowie and Autumn had compiled a list of rules throughout their relationship to help keep them on course.
Do what makes you happy was born from a conversation they’d had not long before he had died, in which he’d told her Marley was falling in love with her.
He had implored her to do whatever made her happy when he was gone.
His words — which he had written on a piece of paper and left in a box before he’d died, trusting Bluebell would give it to Autumn at exactly the right time — had provided the strength she’d needed to admit her feelings for Marley.
“Do what makes you happy,” Bluebell repeated the words. Maddie smiled and snuggled closer to her sister, dragging Autumn with her. The three women quickly fell asleep.
* * *
Maddie slept in longer than Autumn and Bluebell, and woke up in bed alone.
It was early, not yet 8 a.m. She contemplated closing her eyes and catching another couple of hours, but she had too much to do, so she forced herself out of bed and into the shower, smiling goofily as she washed over the scratches carved passionately into her upper arms through James’ expressions of ecstasy. She couldn’t wait to see him today.
She pulled on gold corduroys and a loose grey sweater, swept her hair into a messy bun and slathered sun cream and tinted moisturiser on her face, then headed for the kitchen.
Bluebell, Autumn and her mother were grouped around the stove, stepping enthusiastically from side to side as they cooked what smelled like scrambled tofu.
Autumn and Bluebell had their arms in the air, as though they were dancing.
Emma was jumping enthusiastically from foot-to-foot.
Ben sat at the kitchen table, nursing a coffee and watched them, clearly amused.
“What are you doing?” Maddie asked.
“Getting our ten-thousand steps in,” Bluebell said.
“Why?” Maddie asked.
“Bluebell says it’s good for your heart,” Emma said, shaking her hips. Maddie laughed and poured herself a coffee, sitting beside her father.
“Join in!” Autumn encouraged Maddie. “It’s putting me in a tremendous mood.”
“I do plenty of steps every day walking to and fro around here, thank you very much,” Maddie said.
“That’s not the same,” Bluebell said. She was hopping from side to side and turning around in a circle, staring at the ceiling.
“They taught us about this in Bali. You have to be intentional in your movements. You have to do it while lovingly focusing on the fact you’re doing it as a treat for your body. That’s how you get the best results.”
“Who taught you that?” Maddie challenged.
“Some guy,” Bluebell said.
“Did he also tell you that you have to be weird while you’re doing it?” Maddie asked. Ben chuckled, shaking his head.
“You don’t know what you’re missing,” Bluebell sang, jumping vigorously up and down.
Just then the back door opened and Marley, Benjamin and James stepped into the kitchen.
They froze by the coat stand, as they took in the scene before them.
James bent his head to one side, like a curious cocker spaniel.
Though he had barely left her mind since yesterday, Maddie had almost forgotten how gorgeous he was.
Now that she could see him, she could remember the feel of his lips, the sounds he made, the loving way he’d watched her caress him in such striking detail it made her stomach flip.
“What are you doing?” Marley said, dumbly.
“Ten-thousand steps,” Emma answered, stirring the scramble and gesturing for Autumn to check on the bread toasting under the grill. Autumn danced to the cooker. Bluebell checked the step counter on her watch.
“We have about two-thousand steps left to do, if you guys want to join in,” she said.
To Maddie’s surprise, James immediately started jigging from side to side, clicking his fingers enthusiastically with each step he took, and made his way towards the dancing women.
Her family burst into laughter and cheered.
Their approval made Maddie blush inexplicably.
“Can I do it?” Benjamin asked.
“Go for it, darling,” Marley said, bending to take off his coat.
Benjamin ran to the group, skipping happily, a wide grin on his face.
Maddie could see the top of his little blond head over the countertop each time he jumped high enough.
Spurred on by his son, Marley joined in too, comically sidestepping his way through the group until he reached Autumn.
She stopped dancing for a second to kiss him sweetly.
Maddie cradled her coffee and watched them jig, giggling and mimicking each other until they were hysterically counting down the last few hundred steps.
Marley picked up Benjamin and held out his hand to twirl Autumn around and in that exact moment — watching her blissfully happy friend melt into the arms of her brother and nephew — Maddie gained a clarity she’d never had before about what she really wanted.
She wanted a beautiful, wholesome, unashamedly devoted kind of love.
A love that was certain and steady. A love that was bursting with promises of a future full of fun — of jumping, joyful children, and bread left to burn in favour of dancing in the kitchen.
Without meaning to, she caught James’ eye.
He was watching her, a mischievous grin on his face, his floppy curls bouncing to the invisible beat Bluebell was dictating.
He gestured for her to join them. She smiled shyly, shaking her head, but he held out his hand towards her, insistent.
Despite her better judgement — caught up in the frivolity and driven by the momentous conclusion she’d just come to terms with — Maddie relented, pointedly draining her coffee before standing and making her way to him.
He grabbed her hands and encouraged her to dance, gesticulating wildly in what was, she knew, an attempt to make himself look ridiculous.
He was trying to take the attention off her and she appreciated it, though she knew her family was still looking.
Still smiling. Still nodding their heads knowingly, catching each other’s eyes, daring to dream and full of hope that mournful, marooned Maddie might finally feel brave enough to cast her sails and steer herself in a new direction.
She kept her eyes on James’ and felt warm and fuzzy. She was sincerely hopeful that she might feel brave enough, too.