Chapter Twelve #4
Things went exactly as predicted. Marley sat on a bench on the porch watching James make wooden planters from scratch and talking his ear off about politics and musical theatre.
Every now and then, the women — who were successfully distracting Autumn by giving her wine and chatting about anything and everything while they simultaneously kept an eye on Benjamin — would hear the two men laugh heartily with each other.
When they were done building, James and Marley sat on the porch together and played their guitars, singing softly into the winter wind.
Nobody acknowledged that Bowie and Marley used to do that together, or mentioned the fact Marley hadn’t done it since they’d lost his twin brother.
Instead, Autumn and Bluebell commented several times on how incredibly wonderful it was that Marley and James got on so well.
Maddie avoided their pointed tones, burying her face in her wine each time.
They were well meaning, but they’d not been there when James had talked so passionately about travelling.
The new experiences. The lack of routine.
The new people. Picking up and moving on with barely a moment’s notice.
He’d told her once that he yearned only for adventure, unpredictability and the open road.
He had talked about settling down today, but she wasn’t inclined to believe he meant it.
Not yet, at least. She was sure he was just swept up in the emotion of what was going on between them and impressed by Marley and Autumn.
It all felt so complicated and confusing.
They put Benjamin to bed at 8 p.m. and, before Maddie knew it, she’d buried her face in her wine enough times that she was unsteady on her feet. Between them, the three women drank copious amounts of Merlot.
By the time they heard Marley and James finishing up outside it was almost midnight, and the three women were not making much sense at all.
“Marley!” Autumn threw her hands in the air when she saw him, as though she hadn’t seen him for months. Marley side-eyed Bluebell, who laughed and shrugged. “Come here, you sexy bastard.” Autumn threw herself into his arms.
“Have you had a good night, darling?” he asked.
Autumn nodded, running her hand across his chest. “Let’s go to bed. I have a present for you,” she tried to whisper, but failed.
Marley raised his eyebrows and laughed. James caught Maddie’s eye and she thought she saw him blush. She held onto the counter to steady herself, embarrassed by how drunk she felt and hoping she was hiding it well.
“Gross,” Bluebell said.
Marley looked at her. “Why is she only ever this wankered when she’s with you?”
Bluebell thought about that. “Because I’m a vibe?” she suggested.
“That’s one way of putting it,” Marley muttered, clutching Autumn tighter to him. “Where is my child?”
“Mum and Dad put him to bed in the back bedroom with Stevie Licks,” Maddie said.
James smiled and shook his head. “She bloody loves your kid,” he said to Marley. “He’s cured her of her fear of being without me. When we arrive in the morning she goes looking for him straight away.”
Marley chuckled. “I’m surprised he hasn’t asked us to get a dog. Though I think it’s her specifically he loves. So as long as she’s around he’ll be happy. Not planning on going anywhere, are you, James?”
James laughed awkwardly and shrugged, but he didn’t say no. That was all the confirmation Maddie needed. Far from feeling perturbed, she felt relieved. She knew where she stood, even if James didn’t.
* * *
As Marley put Autumn to bed in one of the partly decorated bedrooms, Maddie said goodnight to Bluebell, then made her way clumsily to her own bedroom to brush her teeth and check her appearance.
She was eager, so she rushed, marvelling at how secure James had made her feel.
It didn’t matter that her hair was a mess, she was covered in paint and had no make-up on.
This man was driven wild by her and had made it so clear that she didn’t care a jot.
She knocked on his bedroom door and he opened it immediately.
He must have been standing right by the door.
He pulled her into the room and kissed her deeply, shoving his tongue against hers.
She was about to push him back towards the bed when he stopped and stepped away, holding both of her hands in his.
“Are you drunk, Mads?” he asked. Maddie somehow knew the gravity of the question and the consequences of saying yes.
She really wanted to lie, but knew he’d be able to tell.
She wasn’t sure what had tipped him off, she’d thought she was hiding it well, but it was likely she’d done a terrible job. She smiled sheepishly.
“Ah, Maddie, we can’t do this if you’re drunk,” he said, shaking his head. Maddie gazed up at him. Her mouth was open, but her disappointment had rendered her voiceless. “Please don’t look at me like that,” he said, his mouth twitching in what she knew was the start of a smile.
“But I want to,” Maddie said. His stance softened, but she knew the answer was still no.
He shook his head. “Not when it’s all so new.”
“It’s not the first time,” she said, pointedly.
“It’s still new,” he said, squeezing her hand and then opening his arms to receive her.
He kept his lower body away from hers. He was not relenting.
He clutched her face in his hands and planted kisses on her lips, nose, cheeks and forehead, then wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug.
Maddie could feel his erection pressed against her stomach and his heart beating wildly against her temple. “I want to,” she whispered again.
“I want to, too,” he said, pulling away to stare into her face. “But we can’t.”
Maddie stuck out her bottom lip and stomped her foot a little bit. That made him laugh. “You can still stay with me,” he suggested. His tone was gentle but laden with warning. “But no funny business, Maddie, or I’ll leave.”
She agreed to the terms of his suggestion and climbed under the duvet, waiting until he was settled beside her before she found a place to rest her head.
He pulled her as close to him as she could possibly be, so that she was straddling his hip, then turned and kissed her gently on the mouth for the longest time.
They were holding each other by the face as though they were each afraid the other might stop.
While Maddie was appreciative of the thought and care he was putting into this, she was unbelievably frustrated. She told him so.
“This isn’t about me protecting myself from any sort of false allegation, it’s just about doing the right thing,” he said.
“Drunk sex is great when everyone’s drunk and you’ve been together an age, but I think it should be left out of anything new.
Alcohol makes everyone feel different. Nobody should be having sex with you if you’re not your normal self. ”
He rolled onto his side and Maddie took her opportunity to turn away from him so that her back was pressed into his chest and he was spooning her.
His big arms enveloped her and he tossed his leg across hers and pinned her bottom half to his.
His skin was hot and soft, and there was a musky smell present that she’d come to associate with him, a cologne or a shampoo perhaps.
She could hear his heart beating gently against her back.
She was sure she’d never felt this relaxed her entire life.
He nuzzled into her hair, inhaling deeply.
Maddie backed up a little bit, pressing herself against him.
“Stop it,” he said.
“Stop what?” she asked, innocently.
“You know what,” he said, squeezing her tightly to him.
Maddie laughed softly, stroking his forearms with her fingers until he was breathing deeply and she was sure he was asleep.
She was very tired and had been all evening, but she wasn’t ready to surrender to sleep.
She wanted to enjoy the moment. She forced herself to stay awake and be present for a while.
She realised with a jolt that this was the happiest she had ever been, and immediately felt guilty.
Though she knew Bowie would want her to be happy — her brother had wanted everyone to be happy, that’s part of what had been so wonderful about him — she felt bad for acknowledging that the most joyful part of her life so far was a time in which he no longer existed.
It made her feel terrible. She was suddenly wide awake, and wished she had let herself fall asleep earlier.
She sighed, anticipating a restless night.
“You OK?” James asked, sluggishly. Maddie nodded but didn’t answer aloud.
She was afraid she would cry again. She was fairly certain this man must be sick of her teary displays.
“Do you want me to tell you a story?” he asked, sounding slightly more awake.
Maddie giggled and nodded. “All right,” he said.
“Once upon a time there was a dragon named Dragonsworth Roariter... He escaped from a giant, green ogre of a dragon killer and made his way to a big, beautiful castle. In the castle lived a princess called... Margaret. She was the most beautiful woman the giant, green ogre of a dragon killer had ever seen.”
Maddie laughed, snuggling closer to him. Suddenly, it felt very OK to feel happy again.